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October 2011 Weddings

I Need Some Outside Opinions

Ok, this is gonna be long ladies and I apologize in advance but I need some outside views on this situation from my fellow girls.

Ok, FI's real dad lives in TX, honestly, he's kind of an ass to put it bluntly.  I've never met him (which disturbs me somewhat) but he's put Ray (FI) and Ryan (FI's brother) through hell so-to-speak.  When he and their mom were together he didn't pay much attention to the boys and when he did EVERYTHING they did was not good enough.  He made them work with no compensation or even a "thanks" it was just "you didn't do this or that good enough."  He basically never uplifted the boys...ever.  Well he ended up moving and divorcing their mom and my FMIL did her best to keep the boys visiting their father (he was in OK at the time) but he made NO effort.  When they would go see him he'd leave them at home for hours upon hours and just never really cared.

So fast forward to now,  Ryan (my FBIL) never talks to his dad.  Ray has very bitter feelings for him obviously but he does talk to him on the phone every 3-4 weeks.  At first, he wasn't going to tell him about the wedding and I'm fine with whatever decision he makes because there are bitter feelings there and I'm not going to come in between something I was never a part of to begin with.  Plus, it's Ray's decision.  Well, he did tell his dad about our wedding websites and his dad did look at them.  3 weeks or so after that they talked last night and his dad seemed impressed and made the comment that "I've got my shiit together" which means I'm a crazy planner (I already know this lol) 

Anyways, Ray told me he did tell his dad more about the wedding last night and his dad offered to pay for our venue, he said "he didn't really know what he's supposed to do but he would be happy to help" Our venue is $1,000.  It would REALLY help out but like I told Ray if he does pay (which I would appreciate and so would Ray) we would need to keep him in the loop a little bit because he'll be a part of the process.  Ray's just not too sure about everything right now (it's still new) because his dad got married a second time without even telling the boys.  That's where some of the bitterness comes from with the whole wedding thing.  He's divorced since then but I understand where Ray is coming from.

So anyways I'm not sure what to do or go about this.  I mostly just stay out of it because it's a Ray/his dad thing and I feel like I shouldn't get involved.  But from my side of it, first, I'm really curious to meet his dad (just because I want to know the man that sort of raised them) and I dunno...any wedding help is nice obviously.  BTW, my FMIL is amazing and re-married.  Ray's stepdad is AWESOME. 

Cliff notes: FI's dad has been a huge d**k in the past and FI hasn't really wanted to include him.  He started to include him last night and his dad now has offered to pay for part of the wedding.  I've never met him and am curious to more than anything.  I'm not sure what to do or how to approach the situation or even approach FI. 

Just need some feedback, thanks girls so much.  And sorry that post is HUGE.

Re: I Need Some Outside Opinions

  • future mrs,

    That is some serious situation.  I would definately see how your FI feels about it especially when a good relationship doesn't exist.  Does your FI want to invite him to the wedding?  How does FI family feels about him contributing?  If he helps out in the wedding, he has a bit of a say in it and he will be there.  I don't know if your FI wants him involved, since the guy was never really around before. 

    In short, talk to your FI about this.  Also, remember you are marrying your FI and you might have stayed out of the family affair before but now you are involved just as much.  HTH.
  • Kristy,
    talk to your FI and find out what he thinks and feels about his Dad being at the wedding and paying for the venue and maybe then both of you can decide on what's best for the two of you.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Good Luck though...I just think your FI needs some time to process all of this and then you guys can make a mutual decision after thinking things through. 
  • Does your FMIL know about the  gesture? If she does, what was her take on it? She maybe able to give you and FI some insight into whether or not you should take him up on the offer.

    The situation is hard and is really one that you both will need to discuss and then make a mutual decision. As PP stated, the relationship was damaged and estranged long before you were involved but NOW it will completely involve you as you will be apart of the family.

    My parents are divorced and we were estranged from my father for about 7-8 yrs after they initially split up. When we reconnected he was re-married and had another son. It was hard in the beginning to give him the time of day because I know how much my mother struggled to raise us when they split but my mother and maternal grandmother encouraged me to accept his invitation to visit. It was probably the best decision I've made to date. I now have a relationship with my father and my step mom is awesome. With that being said, I know that a lot of things that my dad does is his way of saying I'm Sorry and trying to make up for the past.

    So this "maybe" your FI dad way of trying to make up for the past. Although it by know means makes up for the past but it "could" be a gesture. Whatever you decide proceed with caution in case it is his way to manipulate the situation.

    Good Luck!!!
  • I would give FI some time to think this whole thing over. I know FI don't talk to his real dad at all and has not since his dad up and left the house with no warning. Which was about 9 years ago. I have met his real dad once, but that is because FSIL took me over there since she still associates with him. I know FI has told me no matter what his real dad said if he wanted to contribute or anything he didn't want anything to do with him there and I have never pushed the subject. I am sure FI is overwhelmed with all this and maybe after he processes it all he will have  a better understanding and know what he would want to do. I know it may cause some conflict if he comes to the wedding since you said FBIL don't speak to their real father and you wouldn't want there to be drama on your special day. Good Luck though on deciding.
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