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October 2011 Weddings

Why am I bothered by this?

I may have posted about this before, but I don't remember.

One of my BMs is getting married this year and I will be in her wedding. Her situation is pretty similar to what ours was, she get pregnant with the guy she was dating for a short time and they eventually got engaged. That's where the similarities end.

Her guy is in the service and they had bounced around the idea of a JOP before he deployed (before their baby was born) but she told me they decided against it. This was in 2010.

On our wedding weekend I noticed that they both appeared to be wearing wedding bands. She had an E-ring and an eternity band, plain as day. She doesn't list a last name on FB, just first and middle, and relationship status is Engaged To hisname. He referred to her as his wife on a status the other day....

I do not take issue with having a JOP with a reception later. I personally think it's a little silly to do the big white dress and all that, but to each their own. No offense if anyone here did that. I do think that pre-wedding parties should not happen in that case though.

Anyhow, I feel weird not really knowing. I don't know if she's intentionally keeping the marriage a secret, if there is one. She's a good friend and I love her, but I just don't know what to think on this one. Do I ask her? Do I pretend like I already know? How does one approach such a conversation? Should I just smile, suck it up and leave it alone?

Re: Why am I bothered by this?

  • quirky75quirky75 member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited January 2012
    Ask her about it. I would be pissed if she secretly got married and is lying about it. If she is being open to everyone that she's already married and the "wedding" is a vow renewal or reception or whatever, then I'd be fine with it.

    Edit: to explain myself better.
    image
  • It just seems like such a wierd conversation to have. Ugh, awkward!
  • Oh, I agree it'll be awkward. If you're going to be standing by her side in her "wedding" though, I think you have the right to know what is really going on. It sucks she's being sketchy...
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2011-weddings_am-bothered-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:650Discussion:908255d7-263a-4491-a389-161b792d54eePost:71aae060-a077-4384-ab43-e178a8c58aa0">Re: Why am I bothered by this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, I agree it'll be awkward. If you're going to be standing by her side in her "wedding" though, I think you have the right to know what is really going on. It sucks she's being sketchy...
    Posted by deeegoalie[/QUOTE]
    This. I would be more upset if she didn't tell me right after it happened and has been hiding she's married from me. I would happily stand next to her knowing the truth.
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  • I would ask her flat out. My younger sister did something similar and my older sister still isn't talking to her because she kept it quiet that they were doing it.  The whole situation has been super awkward, but believe me from experience, it's better to talk about it.
  • Another thing to think of is, they may have gotten married already because of everything involved with him being in the service.  I don't speak from first-hand experience, but I know that my cousin eloped with her bf because she wanted to move with him on base and if he got deployed or something she wouldn't have been able to live there (or something like that).  They didn't end up doing the whole big wedding reception, though (in fact, they only told people they were married after she got pregnant a few months later).

    I say talk to her about it, but she may have her reasons as to why they got married already w/o telilng anyone.
    ExerciseMilestone image
  • edited January 2012
    I keep looking at your post title -- why am I bothered by this? -- and thinking, "because it's super sketchy." I agree w/PPs that you should ask her.

    ETA: I just saw the post from jobell and wanted to add that I'm sure the whole service thing is exactly the reason why they got married by the JOP when they did. But that doesn't change anything about the fact that hiding it -- especially from close friends -- is super weird.
  • Sure, that's most likely the reason for it but it doesn't make it right to lie to people and tell them they are coming to your wedding. Like I said, I take no issue with having a reception later, but call it what it is.
  • Mmm...I guess I would ask even though it would be awkward. My MOH was wearing a fat ring after she told us she was expecting with the guy she was dating for a short time, but one of my other friends asked her about it and she said they were just doing it as a formality since his aunt really bugged him about it. But really they have no plans to get married anytime soon - at least that's what she said.
  • Honestly, if she wanted to tell people she would have. It really is not anyone else's business how she and her fiance/husband deal with their personal life. You are obviously very close to her if you are in her wedding, and yes it would be nice if she was forthcoming with the information, but there must be a reason why the situation is being handled this way.

    If you do ask her, I would be prepared for her to not be thrilled about it.  If it really is that big of a deal to you, then ask her.  I know it personally would not matter to me either way, as I would only be concerned with being there for my friend on her day.  I do tend to be more laidback and am very familiar with this type of situation since H is a Marine and we have several friends who were married before deployment and had their "wedding" after.
    Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Smile
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  • I am going to have to say that I agree that it's her choice to do what she wishes, but if it does bother you as much as it sounds like it does, then just ask her about it. Honestly I think I have become pretty numb to the whole JP marriage thing after being in a military relationship. Before DH deployed there were so many people who got married at the JP and then weren't telling people, do I think it's right? No not really, and I most certainly wouldn't do it, but that doesn't mean that she has to tell the world about it if she doesn't want to. I do think it's weird though with the two of you being so close that she hasn't told you. I mean not telling your aunt and uncles is one thing, not telling your closest friends and family is another.

    Good luck!
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  • Just out of curiosity (and this an honest question) -- what would be a reason why someone would hide the fact that they had a JP wedding? The only reason that I can think of would be to have a wedding later & get all of the perks -- guests, gifts, attention, etc. But maybe there is a reason that I can't think of. I'd be interested to hear...
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