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November 2011 Weddings

Married a few hours ago, have MAJOR rants!!!

I married my DH, and I got to dance with my friends, but other than that, tonight SUUUCCCCKKKKEEEDDD!  I seriously hated most of it.

Arrival at church
I walk in the bride's room to find that ALL, not some, but ALL of the stephanotis in my rose and stephanotis bouquet are dead, brown, falling off, and do NOT have the pearls in them that I requested.  Gee, that oughta make for some pretty pictures.

1:30 p.m.
My BMs, mom, and I were supposed to be brought food in the bride's room.  One of my SILs shows up in there with some cokes and water and says "they're not allowed to eat, they're in their dresses."  I said "um, excuse me?  We're eating.  They have BLACK dresses, and I can get a napkin.  We will literally faint, most of us have not eaten all day."  So while the BMs went to the kitchen to get us some food, SIL put on her WHITE dress.  Are you F#$$%ing kidding me, b#$%?!

2:00 p.m.
One of the GMs was an HOUR late to the church.  And very confused about why he was in trouble.  He thought he was supposed to just show up whenever.  Luckily we were able to make up the time with the pictures, which shocks me because we had to take them 100 times because THAT SAME GM WOULD NOT SHUT UP!  He was talking in all of the pictures.  I actually lost my cool and yelled out "EVERYBODY SHUT UP!  We are an hour late taking these pictures [looking at that GM] and we need to get these done!"  He's a F&#@$#^%ing moron though, so he didn't take the hint.  We stood there for several more attempts at the shot.

4:00 p.m.
The ceremony was great.  But our (otherwise awesome) DJ read my instructions wrong.  I gave him a song and told him to use it for the processional for both the mothers and the WP.  It was a long song, so it would cover both.  You know what he did?  Played the 5 MINUTE song for the mothers, made everyone sit through the whole thing, then started it over for the WP!  WTH?  I said use it for both, not play it twice!!!  WTH would someone want to listen to a 5-minute instrumental TWICE?!  After that, the ceremony went off without a hitch and the recessional was pretty fun.

4:30 p.m.
After that we took some more pictures, which is where DH's family decided that my family was s#!t and they were going to hog me and take 143,456,375,975 pictures with me, but my family got two shots.  I didn't get to talk to half my guests because MIL and crew wouldn't F#$^^ing leave me alone!

5:00 p.m.
Then I FINALLY  got to go back to the reception area for the last few minutes of the "cocktail hour" (dry wedding) to discover that people were eating the cupcakes off of our cupcake tower!  That would be like walking up to a wedding cake at the beginning of the reception and just cutting yourself off a piece.  One of my SILs (not white dress one) came up to me and said in a rude tone, "well we're all just standing around, so can we eat now?"  Sidenote:  my SILs are 36 and 38, they're not teenagers.  I almost punched her in the face, but luckily my (AMAZING) DOC walked over and asked if I wanted to go ahead and do the grand entrance early and start dinner, so I said yes.

5:10 p.m.
We lined up to do the grand entrance, and the WP was annoying the crap out of me by talking to ME, asking ME what the entrance song was, and completely ignoring the DOC.  The grand entrance song was completely wrong, but whatever.  We did the grand entrance and first dance, which was awesome.  Around this point, one of the GMs disappeared without saying goodbye.

5:25 p.m.
DH and I sat down to eat, but no one would let us.  UGH!  I wanted everyone to leave us alone.  A wish that was unfortunately granted as people starting LEAVING EN MASSE about 20 minutes later.

5:45 p.m.
DH and I were getting ready to make our rounds to the tables before people started leaving, when our DOC grabbed us and said it was time for toasts.  So we walked back over to our sweetheart table to sit down.  DH bumped the table and a candle fell forward and got a little wax on the floor.  Oh well, no big deal.  White-dress SIL had a F#$%#%^ing conundrum and ran over screaming into the table, which dumped THREE MOTHER [email protected]#$%&ING RED CANDLES all down my white wedding dress.  Instead of trying to clean it while it was still liquid, she stood there going "OMG, DONT' MOVE."  My only consolation is that she got it all over HER white dress too.

About 2 dozen people who were LEAVING stopped at our table and crowded around.  They stood in front of me talking, while my DAD WAS GIVING HIS SPEECH!  I literally said "everyone shut up and move," but I still missed my dad's entire speech (which I was REALLY excited to hear) and all but literally about 4 words of the BM's speech.  DH missed it too.  All the while people are STILL RUBBING MY DRESS WITH DRY NAPKINS!  I'm like WTF?!  GTFO and leave me alone.  THE DRESS IS RUINED, GO AWAY!

5:55 p.m.
When time came for the cake cuttings, the crowd of concerned dress onlookers had us so flooded we couldn't get to the cakes.  The song that was supposed to play while we cut the cakes?  It ended before we cut the first slice.  We first went to my cake, on which I had SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED NO FLOWERS, and it was so covered in flowers I literally had to remove a double handful of wilted roses before we could cut it.  Then someone had put an upside down styrofoam plate on the top of it?!  WTH?!  We tore the cake all to shreds trying to cut it.  UGH!

6:10 p.m.
We played the Newlywed Game, which was a ton of fun, then we did a group picutre.  After the group picture (literally everyone on the dance floor for a pic), literally about half the guests left.  AND THE F#$%#$^ING STAFF STARTED BREAKING DOWN!  They started taking down decorations, removing centerpieces, and putting away chairs.  My DOC tried to stop them to no avail.

6:15 p.m.
The dance floor opened up, and only DH, myself, the WP, and like 3 of our friends danced.  Everyone else started leaving, and the church staff continued to break down the room.

7:00 p.m.
At this point I got p!$$3d that they were still breaking down the room and angrily stomped to MIL, who was cleaning, and asked her what they were doing.  She said we were supposed to be out of there by 7:30.  UM, EX-F#$%^ING-SCUSE ME?!  I have a signed contract that says the space was ours until 8:00 and we could clean until 9:00.  Either MIL lied, or the church broke their contract.

7:05 p.m.
I said to myself and the WP, OK fine then.  You guys are gonna break your contract?  I'm breaking mine.  NO MORE CLEAN MUSIC.  We went to the DJ and requested every unapproved song we could think of and danced as dirty as we wanted to.  I walked over to the sweetheart table to get some of the food and drink we had left there, and those [email protected]$^&#ds had THROWN IT AWAY!  I actually confronted the guy who was standing there tossing everything in the trash.  He was like, "Who did what?  Someone threw away food?  What food?  Where?  THIS table?  Are you sure?"  My adorable DOC was P!$$3D and got some food together for us AGAIN and left it with my mom, who watched it like a hawk.  We did the garter toss and bouquet toss, then danced some more.

8:00 p.m.
We tried to keep dancing, but it was getting depressing with ALL of the decorations down.  We went ahead and did our grand exit a half an hour early.

8:05 p.m.
I realized that we had forgotten my cell phone, which I left with my mom.  I tried to use DH's phone to call my mom, but her phone was dead.  So I called a GM, but he didn't answer.  So I tried the next number in the recent calls list, and it was the moron GM who showed up an hour late.  I asked him if my mom was around.  He said he was sure she was.  I was like, "um, I need to talk to her."  He said, "oh, well she's probably in the lobby."  F#$%ing moron wasn't picking it up yet, so I said "JUST YELL OUT WHERE'S [my mom's name]!  ASK FOR [my mom's name!"  His genious response was, "yeah, she's probably still here."  At this point I just hung up on him because DH and I were on our way back to the church.

When we got back to the church, my mom dumped a double armload of stuff that I had used that morning to get ready into my arms.  She was supposed to take that stuff home.  Then she couldn't find my phone, which was in her purse.  So I'm running all over the church looking for my phone, while DH is running around looking for some of the stuff we're missing.  My mom finally found the phone at the bottom of her purse, and something was wrong with it.  I had to restart it.

Can-we-eat-now SIL comes up to me with some OPENED envelopes (someone stole all the money - MIL PROMISED me that someone would watch that gift table) and tried to hand them to me.  I had a double armload up to my chin of crap, so I just looked at her like she was stupid and walked away.

Overall opinion
I wish I had eloped.  :(

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