The Guest List Will Be The Death of Me

ericak926

This will be a long one ... FI and I got engaged, talked about who we'd invite and our guest list was 110. We started looking for venues, fell in love with Casa Feliz, and booked it. I then get a guest list from FMIL with 65 people on it (57 in addition to our 110). We can only have a maximum of 118 guests and even with that many people it is like sardines in a can. I have a large family but have decided only to invite my immediate family, family that I have close relationships with and close friends so that I can make room for FI's family. I tried explaining this to FMIL and she did take some people off the list but I am still at 132 people. The bulk of the list is FI's cousin's, who are all 40+ years old, married, and all with 2 to 3 children. I should mention that none of the cousin's or children were on the original list that FI made, nor does he have any relationship with these people. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry; not everyone is going to show up but I am really, really uncomfortable inviting more than we can fit in this place. FI refuses to change venues to solve this problem and the other option I can think of it to take his cousin's off but I have tried reasoning with FMIL and she is adamant about inviting them. She even went so far to say that if everyone RSVP's yes and there are too many people she would "take care of it", as in, uninviting his cousins. Can we say tacky?I am trying to be fair to everyone so my latest idea is that we make it an adult only wedding. Most of the people I plan on inviting don't have children and eliminating his cousin's kids would be like 15 people right there. The only possible problem with that for my guest list is that my cousin Parker is 12. Do I not invite him then? And my cousin Marni would be coming from Boston with her husband and son (4 yrs old). I obviously can't say, my people can have their kids but your side can't, right?I need some kind of middle ground where everyone is okay. I just don't know what it is. Any thoughts or ideas?TIA!

John and Charisma <3

May I ask who is paying for the wedding? Because if they are not contributing financially, I would keep to my original guets list.

ericak926

His parents, my parents and us are all paying equally.

AlexiaANDRobert

Ditto Charisma. It's hard to be a biitch, but I think in this case, you just have to put your foot down. You CANNOT plan for people to not RSVP.  In fact, some of the people on our list that I really thought would not come are coming and others that I thought would come are not. You need to make it even.  No 2nd cousins or extended family.  No children under 18.  No relatives that do not have a relationship with you.  You said FI doesn't even know these people!  There is your answer right there.  Thankfully FI and I were on the same page...  It's not easy, but I highly recomment against inviting more than you can accomodate. GL!

John and Charisma <3

If everyone is paying equally and moving venues is not an option, then like Alexia said, you have to make a set of rules. There is no reason your FMIL should uninvite people if everyone rsvps....that is not something that you want to have to deal with. Set a number that is a little under what your max is at your venue and sit down with FILs, FI, and you parents to come up with a game plan. The guest list is one of the hardest issues to tackle and you have to remember to stick to your guns. There is no reason people who either or you know need to be there.

jackx18

Going no kids is a start.  If you are concerned you can set up a babysitter at your hotel or at least provide names of babysitters in the area for parents.  I get your frustration - guest lists are tough.  Are you dealing with your FMIL or is your FI?  I would make him step up and say no, not you.  If he has to fight the battle he might either give in to another location or settle it with his mom.  Either way, you are out of the middle.

skhynes

She even went so far to say that if everyone RSVP's yes and there are too many people she would "take care of it", as in, uninviting his cousins. This is absurd.  If FMIL absolutely insists on inviting them, then I would suggest creating a b-list so that the cousins are only invited AFTER others respond that they cannot attend.  Inviting them and then un-inviting later them is way more offensive than waiting to invite them until you know there will be room.  Also, are any of these people OOT?  Because if I bought a plane ticket for a wedding only to be uninvited later, I would be really pissed.

AlexiaANDRobert

Hynes brings up extremely valid points.

ericak926

FI is not taking a side unfortunately. He is the middle man listening to both me and his Mom. I have told him that if it means that much to have these people there I will make it work but he reached his breaking point with me yesterday and was like "Just take them all f-in off and be done with it". I think he only invited them to make his Mom happy. I think his Mom is only inviting them because if they don't come "no one will be there to represent his side/family other than 10 people." Yeah, she said that. WTH? Since when did a celebration about us become about sides and representation? I love this woman, but she has shown a whole side of her that I want to rip out and beat to a bloody pulp. That would be my bridezilla moment. I am trying to compromise so I thought by eliminating the kids would be a start but what about my 12 cousin who I want there? How do I deal with that?

AlexiaANDRobert

With the 12-year-old cousin, you might just have to forgo someone you want there to have it even across the board. It sucks, I JUST went through all this guest list bullshiit recently and it's so hard, but you just need to do it.

ericak926

Almost all his cousins are from DE so that is her logical on why they all wouldn't come. I completely agree that uninviting is rude as all hell so I that is why I want to resolve this ASAP. Would it be completely rude to say that he can invite all his cousins and spouses but not their kids? (I would not be following this rule.) The only other option is to cut our friends off. =(

AlexiaANDRobert

Well, I don't think you can tell FI no children, but include some yourself.  Well, you can, it just would be pretty crappy. I know if I had to make arrangements for my child to stay home, I'd be pretty annoyed to see some kids there. Also, where friends are concerned.  REALLY think and evaluate your relationships.  Yes, time changes relationships but if you're going to look back a year from now and be so upset you didn't invite someone, then invite them.  If not, B-List them. For family, I think you need to be consistent.  All first cousins ONLY, or NO children AT ALL under the age of 18.  You have to be somewhat equal for both sides.  While the quantities might be different, the parameters should be the same.HTH.

skhynes

What if you made the kid cut off under 12?  I don't know how old the rest of the kids are and if that would help you at all?  I agree with Alexia that if someone had to arrange for childcare and then saw other kids at the wedding, that would suck (unless they're in the wedding party). I think you really need to do a b-list for these other people.  Are you going to be mailing out your invites yourself?  Just tell your FMIL that you are not sending an invite to someone that may buy a plane ticket to come to a wedding that they may not be able to attend.  It is so ludicrous.  If I were a somewhat distant or uninvovled family member I would rather not be invited at all due to space issues.  I see nothing offensive about that.  Weddings should not be an excuse for people to have family reunions.

ericak926

His cousin's kids are 13 to 27. Only 2 of the 7 families have both kids over 18 so I took them off the list. My youngest cousin is 12 but I just remember my other cousins on my Dad's side, who are 15 & 17 so I don't think I would be able to do an adult only wedding because I want them there. I think I am going to do a "B" list with some of our friends. They would be the most understanding. This crap just makes me want to cry out of frustration. I can't believe I have to take people off that I want there for his cousin's and their families who are basically strangers! I don't want to celebrate our day with strangers! And then I am back at square one. I feel I am the only one who is compromising or am I being a bit selfish?

ChenoaF

Do NOT count on the "no's". We thought we'd have a ton of no's and it turns out that we are going to be way over what we thought. The babysitting idea is cool, maybe you can have a brunchthe next day with all the kids. If there are older cousins in the kids bunch maybe try can babysit and make a little money. They may be cool with that. Good luck!!!

mruiz0128

I say F* it and punch everyone in their face the next time they suggest who should come!  Only invite who you want and let everyone piss and moan about it. They will eventually get over it besides if you have no relationship with them you dont ever have to worry about an awkward phone call or running in at holiday party conversations! Ok sorry about my rant! Im just saying.

gorjush

the fairest way i thought possible was to settle on a guest count we were comfortable with and then giving all parties an equal allotment of guests to invite, since all were paying equally (we paid a bit more but whatever). so there were 25 on my guest list, 25 on DH's, 25 on my mom/step-dad's list, 25 for dad/step mom, and 25 for DH's parents. we told everyone ahead of time that if they went over on their figure they would just need to pay a per head charge to cover the additional expense. so DH's parents end up inviting like 75 people, telling us "oh they're all from overseas, no one will come, we'll be lucky if we have any guests at all!" sure enough, they went over by 10 (in asian cultures it's typical for people to invite friends or relatives who aren't invited and they just SHOW UP). they ended up having to pay for the cost of those 10 extra people. in some cases you can't do that b/c you have space limitations (such as your case). but have you thought about giving everyone an equal guest count?

Theresa626

OMg, I know what you're going through.  My parents added 25 people to the guest list after we had decided and booked a venue.  We had to end up inviting them because my parents are paying so we didn't get a say but my fiance only has 25 guests and now I have 80 on my side!  It's crazy and I don't know a ton of those people and it made me sick to send them all save the dates just recently because I so didn't want them to come.  I had a million fights with my parents over it but ultimately, they're paying and it's their decision.  Is your mother in law paying for the wedding?  Maybe you can tell her there just isn't the money.  Have you told her that you can't fit that many people at the venue?  She doesn't care?  I would never ever invite more people thant he venue can hold.  Have your fiance put his foot down and just tell her they can't come.  If you can't change her mind, tell her she has to pay for the extra guests and she has to refund you the deposit money you'll lose from changing venues. 

Theresa626

I'm so glad to have someone to relate to about this. I didn't send any of my friends save the dates either because they are now on the B list because there are a million people I've never met on the list now. It frustrates me sooo much.  I posted about it earlier too.  My parents thought I was being really selfish not letting them invite all of these people that they haven't seen in years so they could have their big ole family reunion.  My poor fiance.... our wedding is going to be more like a family reunion for my side than an actual wedding.  I guess you can't call anyone selfish.  My parents felt that the only way they'd see these people is through a wedidng because they wouldn't come visit just for the heck of it and they're paying so ultimately, my fiance and I just shut up about it. 

ericak926

When I first got the list I had FI sit down with his Mom and I got 4 people off the list. The second time, I called her and asked for names, ages and how they were related. I found out she invited a bunch of FI's great aunts and uncles. She is still adamant about sending them an invite even though she promises me they won't come because they are old. She doesn't know I stuck them on the announcement list along with her cousins. So I weeded down her side of the family but it is his Dad's side that is eating up the guest list. I have tried numerous times to explain "we don't have a lot of room for everyone" and she always replies with "not everyone will come". I refuse to send out more than we can fit in this place.I had a civil conversation about the damn guest list, again, with FI last night. He basically said to take all of his cousins off the list. He said he would "like" them there but we can't fit them but if had a bigger venue they would definitely be on the list. Now I just feel guilty. I am getting what I wanted but I was willing to compromise a little and I feel like I am going to get crap from his Mom when she finds out.=(

AlexiaANDRobert

I got a little confused... Did you remove the great Aunts and Uncles or the cousins or both? If you're removing the cousins instead of the Aunts and Uncles, I'd switch it.  If she's so sure they won't be able to make, I wouldn't invite them and save the invites for the cousins he actually wants there. If not, you might want to consider a venue that has room for your guest list...

AileeneG

Honestly, if you're talking about inviting 14 people over what you can accommodate, my guess is that at least that many will no be able to make it, so it would probably be ok, but I'd still be very uneasy to invite then at first. I would tell her that you are going to B-list those relatives that your FI doesn't have a relationship with and that you will send them invites after you get some "no" RSVP's back. If she's so certain that they won't come, then it shouldn't make a difference to her if they get the Invitation a bit later than the others, since it's basically just an announcement then.

ericak926

I know it is very confusing. Even for me! So this is the short run down.Venue at capacity at 120 people.132 are on guest list.All FI's great aunts and uncles, and Mom's cousins are getting an announcement.Can't do adult only wedding because I have 3 cousins under 18 that I want there.FI's cousin's and their families account for about 30 people.FI doesn't have relationship with cousin's or their families.FI wants to invite them (only b/c of his Mom) but doesn't want to upset her.Both parents and us are paying for wedding equally.We cannot change venues because FI doesn't want to. I want to kill FI and FMIL. I don't want a wedding anymore. I am going to the JP and calling it a day. =(