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Sorry, been MIA!!! Going through a LOT!!! NWR Vent, Need Advice/Support/ I just need YOU GIRLS!!!!

Okay...some of you have been around to know my gripes with my FMIL and her wanting to buy an inappropriate dress for our wedding, and then some of you have also been around to know that she asked FI to purchase a new car under his name since her credit got messed up due to her greediness and buying all of these "investment" homes at the height of the market, then when eveything went to the crapper....so did her dreams of reselling the homes for a huge profit. 

ANYWAY!!! My FMIL has NEVER been nice to me....even when I was pregnant with our daugther she would go around telling everyone that her son was not the father since I was sleeping around (<----SOOOOOOO NOT true, but she's crazy).

Anyway, after our daugther was born she decided she was the "chosen" one to pass judgement on everyone around her saying that we were such sinners and we were living in sin since we did not just go ahead and get married.

NOW, we ARE getting married...and she's KNOWN for a while....but YESTERDAY, while adding 20 people to our guest list that we DON'T EVEN KNOW!!! <- She says it would be RUDE to NOT send an invite since they were already informed...but guess what?!?!??! Invites and postage still cost money, and what if they DO decide to come!!! We don't even know them....but she gaurantees that they will not come, but it's just the principle.  Then she goes on to yell at me about how I am not a good person since I didn't even plan on inviting her familiy in the Philippines...but we just weren't even going to send an invitation because FI is not even close to them at all....<- but that's besides the point

Here's where the real drama goes down.  She decides to ask me WHY we want to get married NOW when we haven't been married for so long???? WTFF!!!!!!!! <- This coming from a women who basically said we were the spawn of Satan for not marrying right away.  Then she says we shouldn't have done it now because the economy is so bad and we have no money (<- well it's not like she's even offering to help so I don't know what she's talking about).  Etc. etc.

In the middle of this heated argument his brother starts talking smack about myself and my profession as a teacher since he says I should have joined him in ACN <- some freaking pyramid BS!!! And that if I would have I could be making money like him.  At which point, I BLOW UP because when we asked him for the money for the insurance and the car, he said he didn't have it because he was broke.  I told his mom, my FMIL I don't want my FI's credit to get messed up and she basically does a hand gesture sugguesting that she is WASHING HER HANDS OF THE SITUATION because she NEVER SAID SHE WAS GOING TO PAY!!! OMFG!!!!!! I am sooo upset at the moment because FI and I fought long and hard about it and I told him NOT TO DO IT!!!! Well he said it was for his mom, and he felt like he had to....I start getting upset....and he yells at ME!!!!! <- I feel like I'm the only ONE looking out for him...because he's the one that will have to face the ramifications...and then I tell him if we're going to get married, we need to make decisions together, and he tells me to keep out of HIS family business... :c/  I can barely see what I'm typing from all the tears and puffiness in my eyes....

Am I a crazy wife to be?  Am I overreacting?  Please help me see the light!!!!! CryCryCry
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Re: Sorry, been MIA!!! Going through a LOT!!! NWR Vent, Need Advice/Support/ I just need YOU GIRLS!!!!

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    edited December 2011

    I am so sorry to hear youre going through this - disagreements with the FI's family are the worst because I feel like they don't know what direction to go in. 

    I don't think youre overreacting - when it comes to credit issues - once youre married that is your credit too and will effect you so you are comppletely valid in that fear and honestly I feel like good credit is everything in his world!  Also, if you are sharing finances that is your money too and effects what you can or can't do in the future and you need to make those decisions together.  If you have an agreement where a certain percentage of each persons earnings are theirs to spend however they want than fine let him do with that as he wishes but if you share it al than he needs to talk to you about it in a civil level headed manner and really listen to your concerns.  I know its his mom and honestly if one of my parents really needed something I would maybe ignore my FI and give it to them - but I also know they would never ever ask me for money unless it was some sort of dire situation - I honestly can't even imagine it happening so it would be a completely different situation. 


    I would give it some time so you can cool down a bit - get a glass of wine - and maybe write him a letter - sometimes I feel like I can get my feelings out so much better in a letter or email because I have time to think and redraft. 


    Also what is ACN?? I didnt understand that part of the story :)

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    edited December 2011
    OMG Cat! 

    I am so sorry you are going thru this STILL with her! It is none of her business when you decide to marry, you have a daughter with him and she should respect you as the mother of her grandchild. I say talk to Fi calmly and not in her presence, because mothers tend to throw the guilt trip ( My mother included) to get their way...I would suggest you start adding cost for those 20 people and show it to your Fi and let him break it to his mom. When Fi's mom started adding cousins of cousins of cousins , I worked up a spreadsheet on excel and show him numbers  on Black and White! It worked for us....Hang in there! If you want to get a coffee and have a shoulder to cry on, Im here! Hugs <3
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    RaquelSRaquelS member
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    edited December 2011
    Oh Cat, I'm so sorry to hear that you are experiencing all of this. I definitely do not think your crazy. I agree with you hole heartedly, on everything in this predicament. However, it sounds like you are marrying into a very strong willed family, and I'm not sure how far you are going to get with this fight. I am a very outspoken individual and I can not even begin to imagine what would happen if I was in your position. I do feel that you are correct in making big financial decisions like that together, because in the end it will affect both of you, not just him. Okay, and I know she is your FMIL, but I can not believe the things coming out of her mouth. (Well actually, I can, I was in a previous relationship with the father of my children and his family was from DR and your FMIL sounds alot like my ex's mother - grr) I don't understand what goes through peoples heads that they think they can say whatever they want to whomever they want and then don't understand why you aren't all la-di-da with them afterwards. (sorry, about my own little rant, but I've been through it too, and it still pisses me off).

    Anyway, the only thing you can do, is to keep talking to your FI, and try to make him see your side of the ordeal. As for the 20 extra people she wants you to invite, I say talk to FI and see what he says. If he says he really doesn't feel they should be invited, then I would flat out just tell her: I understand that you are saying that you know for sure that they will not come, but I am on a strict budget and am unable to even afford those extra 20 invitations, sorry. 

    Unless she is offering up some money that those extra 20 people may incur, then I really think that you should feel obligated to pay for these people that you had not planned on inviting anyway.
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    edited December 2011
    WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU!! 

    I would be in your same boat.  I honestly think this is a point where you clear up what a husband and wife are.  A NEW FAMILY, together! So any decisions with his mom do affect his new family.

    AND STUPID JERK ABOUT ASKING WHY NOW?!?  Well maybe because you were mature adults to wait until you were ready to become husband and wife and not jump into it solely because you were pregnant! You dealt with her judging you because you waited, and now she still isnt happy.

    Maybe the next time these heated discussions come up you should just ask if she is terrified her son will no longer need her for everything.  Where will she turn to since her other son isnt willing to help!

    ****SORRY VENTED MYSELF BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE THAT GET ME FIRED UP!!!!!

    Now more of a rational response is what the other ladies said about talking to your FI without the momma around.
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    edited December 2011
    :( I'm sorry. I can't stand my FMIL either...but she's like an angel compared to what you're dealing with. I don't have much to say, except just try remember why you love FI and do your best to communicate with him about your feelings while letting him know how loved he is. Good luck!
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    edited December 2011
    So sorry to hear you're going through this! I think you are completely in the right for feeling the way you do. Keep your head up and don't let her get to you.

    Have a serious talk with your FI and paint things in black and white. She said it infront of him that she wasn't planning on paying so how does he expect that to work? He will obviously be the one to end up paying which will also affect you and your daughter because you are a FAMILY and it is no longer only his family business.
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    ssolo98ssolo98 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sorry to hear about your situation! As a fellow bride to be that is not the stress you need right now.  As a marriage counselor I would say no matter how hard it may be you HAVE to get this situation straightened out between you and your fiance, even if that means bringing in a third party.  As one of the post said you are starting a family together and need to be on the same page with each other about what that means and where the boundaries are between his "old" family and his "new".

    Good luck with everything! 
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