After all my mixed emotions on the days leading up to the shower and the actual shower left me kind of emotional tapped.
Sunday I woke up thinking how great it was to have it behind us and now concentrate on only the wedding. How silly of me.
My mother calls early in the morning asking what happened with FI and my cousin. (read other post for complete story) So I tell her. Apparently my cousin told everyone that my FI spoke rudely to her and that he was out of line and must apologize to her. I disagree. I apologized to her for his tone but not for what he said to her. The only person that matter to make what they thought is my dad since that's his niece, but he said that he heard the whole thing and that my FI was never rude to her. So I let it go.
So my mother goes on to tell me that my FI was rude to her. To please not tell him because he is really good with them all the time but that she wanted me to know how offended she was. Naturally, I ask what he said and it was over his comment about ordering such little food. I tell her that he's right and she shouldn't be offended because I, too, told her the same thing at the shower and twice before the shower. She assurred me that it would be enough.
She goes on to tell me that the food wasn't enough because my fat friends and his fat sister and his fat friends got too much food on their plate. That they each got 4 to 5 pcs when they should only get 2. That they were the reason the food wasn't enough. Really? So out of 90 people, only our FAT FRIENDS got too much food. How his sister and her bf got up 4 times to get food. What, her side of the family are perfect right and got the right amount? I wonder how she saw exactly how many pcs everyone got considering she only got up from her chair ONCE all night. Her eyesight is out of this world!
She gets into me how they have no manners and how I have no manners either because I looked irritated with her and with everything she said to me. How I ruined all her pictures and they are not even worth posting or looking at. I have my back turned on all of them and I kept ignoring her.
I remind her how she would constantly stop me each second she saw me regardless of what I was doing or who I was trying to talk to, so she can take a picture. She says that I barely took any of those.
Maybe it was emotions from the previous events that had bottled up, the fact that my back is still killing me or how she is attacking our friends for being fat and having no manners or what... but the more I tried to defend his sister and our fat friends in general the more she bashed them... and I completely lost my temper! I told her I would talk to her later and hung up. FI hears me screaming and crying and comes down. In my little temper tantrum I had flung up the stairs all the wet clothes and shoes his son had left in the living room and I had asked about 5 times already to pickup. So he saw all of it spread out over the staircase. He gets mad at me for doing that instead of getting mad at his kid for not picking it up after I asked him 5 times to do it. So this sets me over the edge even more.
He asked me why I was so upset and I said "nothing" because I didn't want to explain my conversation with my mom with him. I don't want him knowing all the crap my mom said especially about his sister. So he gets upset at me for the "nothing".
My mother calls again like 5 mins later as if that's enough time for me to calm down. I ignore her. She calls again and again and again. My mood goes from bad to worse when I finally pick up and she says "Done? did you let it all out?" I tell her to please not call me, I will call when I'm ready to speak to her. She's like.. hang on, you need to calm down, you need to happy and grateful that everyone spent time and money to drive up there. Ok, I never said anything to the contrary so why are you giving a speech about being grateful? My beef is not with people, it's with you and your comments. How it was only FIs friends and sister and my friends.. the FAT ONES, that ate all the pork and how I ruined all your pics... not how you ruined my conversations or how you annyoed the crap out of me with you constant calling me and stopping me every second for a pic... but apparently I ruined all your pics. ... then she tells me, for the wedding you are gonna need to order more food because if those people are gonna eat like that, then the food will run out there, too. They are like animals, not people. WTF???? I had to hang up on her again. FI asks me again what's wrong... and I again said nothing... he gets more upset and says as he walks away and thinks that I can't hear him "always in a f*&#ing mood... must be PMSing or something." WTF!?! PMSing? Always in a mood? MF I'm here defending YOUR friends and family to my mother and avoid telling you so that you don't get upset and you are gonna say that about me when you don't think I can hear you?? WTF?? So I ask him what did he say? and he repeats it to my face. Goes on to defend his kid's lack of respect for me and complete disregard for what I ask him to do and apperantly I'm again wrong.
By this point, all I want to do is get in my car and drive away and go really far away... if only I could sit down and drive a stick shift without pain. So the next best thing is to lock myself in the guest room and just cry.
My mother calls yet again... and again.. and again. I pickup the phone and tell her "listen, do you not understand the concept that I will call you when I want to talk to you? Right now I don't want to talk to you about anything, stop calling me." I know it was rude but she really got to me. She goes on to tell me how I'm just really stressed and tired and that's why I'm over reacting. UGH!!! I slammed the phone down so hard I broke it and it shut off. Hours later when I turned it back on I had several missed calls and messages from her. Does she not understand?
So anyway, I had time to think about FI's comments earlier and other comments he's made about me when he though I couldn't hear him. None of them have been positive, loving or anything long those lines. I started to analyze our relationship and all the times he's said things to me directly and especially his actions towards me sometimes. It's got me really questioning why we are even together. Not sure anymore if this wedding is such a good idea. With 48 days left I would pretty much loose all the money already invested if I cancel. But what more do I loose if we do go foward? I am not sure if this man even cares about me.
The relationship with my mother has always been a tough one, but now I don't even want to talk to her, at all. She's been such a source of stress throughout this wedding planning. One instance is sticking out in my mind right now. We were at the venue and she asked the guy what would happen if we need to cancel. I was like WTF?? Why would we cancel? She said, you never know, anything can happen. So now I'm thinking, does she not want this to happen? Was she trying to say something? Why does my dad keep asking me if I'm sure I want to do this? He's done that several times. WTF is going on? Is there something they are seeing that I'm not?
I'm gonna take a day or two to try and gather myself and my emotions and get back to some "normalcy" in my life without thinking about any of this or the wedding. I'm really sure what to do right now.
Sorry again girls for these last two especially long posts. I promise there are no more on the way. :-)