How to handle those that are making it all abou them

mccoshr

I have been engaged for about two months and my fiance and I have been so busy looking into reception halls and doing what is "expected of us". That I've just realized that I have never really wanted a wedding with all the bells and whistles. My fiance supports this and likes the idea of a destination wedding. Any idea of how to break this to my mother who is going to be crushed?

BubbleJ

Hmmmm we may have been separated at birth...Your mum will get over it, really. I told my mum I'm thinking about eloping and she freaked out but at the end of the day I'm gonna be happy so she will come around.Hope that helps, there is no easy way to disapoint people but just know she won't be upset with you forever.

laurenclaire1386

I don't know who's paying for all this, but if your mom is contributing a substantial portion of the money, sadly, she does have a say.  But if you're paying for it yourself, tell her what you what you want to do.  She might not be as crushed as you think.  I am usually pretty good at predicting my parents' response to things, but sometimes they surprise me.

katanne9

I was worried that my mom wanted something more formal than what I had in mind. I sat down with her and showed her pictures I had saved of what i DID like and the feel I'd like to go for.I think that helped her visualize the kind of day I want to have.It depends what kind of relationship you have with your mom/who is paying. If you just sit down and explain what you DO want rather than what you don't I think that usually helps to paint the picture.

mwhitson14

My family flipped when we talked about eloping, and said they wouldn't come (especially my elderly grandparents) so I decided having my family there was more important than a DW. You can still have an at-home wedding without all the bells and whistles.

jagore08

Just tell her that it's a vacation for everyone.

Simply Fated

As someone else said, you can have a home weddign without bells and whistles.But if you really want a DW... and you think your mom will be crushed... well, she'll be invited, right? I think that's what really matters... her seeing her baby walk down the aisle and get married. So even if you opt for a DW, let her at least have that, the sight of seeing you get married where ever it is you decide to get married.... just my opinion, though.

chosen175

My family flipped out when I told them we were doing a DW. I got all sorts of guilt trips, bribes, etc to have the wedding at home. I gave in for a while and realized that not only would it take 3 years to save for it (because, of course, THEY weren't offering any $$ to pay for it) but FI and I would be completely miserable. So we went back to the DW plan and basically told people "This is what we want. We're not changing our minds. Come if you want, or stay home. But either way, our wedding will be the day WE want, not the day everyone else wants us to have." Now we ignore the temper tantrums and surprisingly, they're all coming. Go figure. Several companies also will broadcast weddings live online so you can go away and your family can still "be there." Come over to the DW board - you'll get great advice from great ladies.

jjax214

I told my mother the same thing and she straight up told me, "no". So we are having a tropical themed wedding in Maryland...My mother is one person I can't stand up to.Good luck, sister-friend!

shelly.cody

Our family wanted us to elope!! They kept saying it was cheaper. I was all for it too.(I'm not the kind of girl who wants to plan a wedding) The FI actually wanted a wedding with all the bells and whistles, so we comprimised and we are having an actual wedding...I just hired a wedding planner to do everything.

tommyandy

Destination wedding as in out of the country or destination as in out of Boston? Will a large number of your guests have to travel if you got married at home anyway? Costal Georgia is nice this time of year as is Florida. If you want an island wedding, the US Virgin Islands do not require a passport.

ngiguere

You know, my mom and grandma were "expecting" a ton of stuff for me too. Basically, they thought it was their right to dress me, choose my style, and shoes and jewelry, hair style, veil....UGH! Not to mention, it's possible that they both have the tackiest taste...on earth. I love them, but their choices in style scare me. I finally had to sit them down and be like, "I know you guys are really excited about all of this, and you want to share your ideas, but I feel like you're projecting your idea of your own wedding on me. That's not fair. This is my big day, and hopefully I'll only do it once. I don't want to have memories of how I'd rather have done *this* or *that*. It will really make my day a lot more special for me if you take a few steps back and stop assuming that I want any of this stuff. If I need something from, though, you'll be the first people I'll go to." And you know what? Their pushiness stopped. Like that. And ever since then they always ask me what I want and support my wishes, since it's sadder to them that I may not have the wedding of my dreams than it is that they won't get their way. Tell your mom that you love her and want her to be involved, but this is your day, and you only get to do it once, and if you're really going to enjoy it and remember it fondly, you need to start planning a destination wedding. I'm guessing your mom already had her own wedding? So, it's your turn now. If she let everyone else push their ideas on her, it's her turn to be the bigger person and let you do things in a way that will bring you happiness. Because, honestly, moms really just want their kids to be happy. After their protectiveness and control issues, they just want us to be happy.

ericalarue

First, I second what ngiguere used to talk to her mom and grandmom- if you're honest about what you want and sympathetic to the fact that they're excited too, things will likely go over better with them.Remember too that this celebration is about your whole family, and while its style should reflect you and your partner, it's also about your families and what they'd like to see. So try to strike that balance (as hard as it can be) between accommodating their needs and still being true to your own.

Lolyalyssa

This about you and him but it is also about the family.  Before you do a destination wedding, think about whether or not certain people would not be able to attend because they wouldn't be able to afford the travel cost and how close these people are to you.  You don't want to exclude a favorite Aunt or a sibling because they simply cannot afford to travel. If everyone can afford it, then I say go for it and see how they react. If not, consider having it closer but maybe a one to two hours away at a resort type hotel or a bed and breakfast.  This will give you the feeling of getting away and the expectations will be lowered for a venue everyone is not as familiar with.  This may be a nice compromise.

lharri12

My fiance and I decided to invite some immediate family and best friends to our destination wedding in the Caribbean. We expect 20-25 people will attend (parents, grandparents, siblings, nieces, nephews, and best friends). Everyone knows a year in advance so they can plan their Caribbean vacation next year!

MissJosGettinHitched

Many destination wedding... destinations... offer very formal settings, decorations, etc. So may be wherever you end up you can have a few things that will please the traditionalist in your mother.

Lanyer

What I've learned about mothers (from my own and FMIL) during the wedding planning process is usually they just want to feel included. When you tell her about your idea make it clear that her support is important to you and perhaps get some ideas from her on invitations, favors, (whatever things you'd involve her in if you were getting married at home). If she realizes a vacation wedding can still involve her she'll probably be more open to it. Good luck!

hillaryeggert

I don't understand why your mother would be crushed unless you telling her about the DW ended with the statement, "and you're not invited."  If she's contributing money, I agree she gets some input, but I would have a serious issue if "gift" money came with rules, like "no DW allowed" attached.Like PP have said, though, you can certainly have a bell and whistle-free non-DW wedding.  To me, a simple wedding means going to the courthouse or getting married in a park... not flying to a foreign country.  Also, in these economic times, really think about the expense that your guests will have to face.  Talk with your closest family and friends to make sure they can swing it before you make a final decision.  Personally, hubby and I will probably need to skip a wedding just a few states away this spring because of the cost and not being able to take time off work.  Be certain the people you really want to be there will be able to come.If you decide to go the DW route, sit down and literally list the reasons why it's the best choice for you two.  If it's well thought out, I don't see how anyone can argue with you.

coleandalexia2010

jagore8, hahaha!! I think a DW has more bells and whistles than a simple, tasteful, quaint wedding at home. There are ways to go about having a wedding without all the hype that doesn't lead to a DW.

FutureMrs.McC

Just tell her it's not what you want for your wedding day.  I think you should involve your mother in the planning process, it's an important day for her too, but ultimately your wedding needs to reflect you and your FI.  Some people seem to be confusing eloping with a DW wedding.  I agree with pp, come over the DW board.

chosen175

Remember too that this celebration is about your whole family, and while its style should reflect you and your partner, it's also about your families and what they'd like to see.With all due respect, a wedding is NOT about a family's preferences. or what THEY would like to see.  It is about 2 people joining their lives together.  Period.  Where, when, and how they do it is up to the couple.  The style, the decor, the location, the menus, all of it.... it's the couple's choice.  Giving the guests what THEY want (assuming you can predict with 100% accuracy what every single relative would like) while sacrificing what the couple wants is ridiculous.