havent even started planning yet -- but need to vent!!!

misspeach1084

So, my fiancee and i got engaged about two months ago.  (which was about a month and a half before we closed on our first house.) because i wanted a fall wedding, and wanted the possibility of next fall (i know some engagements are long, but i dont want to wait two whole years.) my parents and i figured we should start with at least calling places that we might be interested in. i figured that it might already be too late to get the general time i wanted, so we should probably jump on at least that task. i asked my fiancee for him to ask hs parents for just a general IDEA for a count, and he did so ... but they freaked out. (this was about a month ago.) they thought that we should wait until we moved into the house and planning a wedding is too much to take on. (i wasnt there, but it caused a huge explosion in their house.) now that we moved in to the house a couple weeks ago, he mentioned setting a date, and i said that maybe he could gently bring it up with his parents again, but when i wasnt around, because i don't feel comfortable being there if it is going to cause a huge fight. so, saturday night, we were going out to dinner with his parents and his older brother, and they came to meet us at our house before we all went out. i felt under attack from the moment they walked in -- his father is very critical and started picking things apart -- questioning why i had the boot tray/mat by the front door rather than the back and telling me to move it, saying we should have set the living room up a different way, even looking in our freezer and telling us that we should wrap up our chicken individually so they dont get freezer burn!! so imagine my horror when FI brought it up to his parents again, in front of me. his father immediately questioned, 'whos paying for this wedding anyway?!!?' (my father had a talk with me and told me an amount that i think is very generous -- $10,000 ... but im still expecting for us to have to pay for some ourselves. especially since it didnt sound like his parents were up for it after that comment/question.) and his brother started firing off questions about friends who get to come and who gets to bring who and who doesnt get to bring a date -- asking me questions in the most accusing tone about 'say one of your friends doesnt know ANYONE there, not your family, none of your other friends, do THEY get to bring a date??' and talking about FI's friends, and if so-and-so should get to bring a date. after being basically yelled/questioned for 10 minutes, it was time to leave for dinner, and i finally snapped that if he 'would like to pay for justin's (an example of FI's friends) blind date's $100 dinner, he can go right ahead.' and walked away. I dont think its his business AT ALL to make comments about. is there anyone else out there feeling like this? i am just so discouraged -- if the wedding cant even be discussed for 5 minutes, how are we supposed to even MAKE IT to the wedding? ... another thing is, his parents are VERY opinionated. they dont just suggest things, they force their opinions down your throat. im afraid that once we really get into this, i will be subjected to nasty opinions and have to go along with it to keep peace. i have already tried ignoring comments, i have already tried politely explaining my thoughts (for instance, on why i have our living room set up the way it is) and changing the subject, but the comments just keep rolling on it!! its so discouraging that i am going to be joining this family!

chosen175

That stinks that they're doing this to you!  Unfortunately, when weddings roll around, everyone seems to lose their mind.  It happens to a lot of brides... myself included.I think you're on the right path - it needs to be your FI who puts his family in line, and he needs to do it when you're not around.  He never should have brought the subject up that night, given his family's poor attitude and an already stressful situation.  I would have him sit down and tell his family that he will not tolerate their negativity and that if they continue to be disrespectful he will leave or end whatever activity is going on.  Come into YOUR home and give you grief over where you put things?  Sorry - if they don't like where you put the couch, there's the door.  It doesn't matter how long they've been doing it, there is absolutely no excuse for them to treat you guys like that.As for the wedding plans, if you don't need any money from them for the wedding, I would COMPLETELY stop talking about the wedding in front of them.  If they ask you a question, tell them "We've decided not to discuss our plans with anyone." and leave it at that.  Let them keep badgering you, but don't give in.  It took my family 6 months of harassing me before they realized I meant what I said.  They will find out my wedding plans on the day of the wedding, just like all the other guests.  I love my family dearly, but we're having a long engagement and there was no way I could handle that kind of stress for 2+ years.  It's difficult sometimes to not be able to share the plans with my family but if I shared our plans with them, I'd just get grief and have to listen to them try to change my mind... which would result in a wedding THEY would love but WE would hate.  Not worth it at all!

misspeach1084

i like your point about not filling them in on plans -- i am not sure what their plans are for money as of yet, and obviously would feel uncomfortable assuming they are going to help, which is fine. and my dads offer is more than generous based on what my parents can afford, and i am very grateful, but if his parents were to not help, we would most likely be paying for a good portion ourselves. which would stink, considering the amount of family i have and huge amount of friends that FI has. maybe it would be better that way though -- afraid i would HAVE to listen to their crazy opinions if they did help out. and i AM a girl -- ive had this wedding planned out in my head since before i met him! nothing extravagant at ALL, but i have a lot of specific ideas that i dont know if id be willing to change if someone else suggested something else. (haha does that make sense??) such a bummer! ive always wanted a wedding, but am almost thinking about just using the money to remodel our kitchen instead-- he offered me the money towards a wedding, or to forgo a wedding and use how we choose to. it makes me sad to think of not having a wedding at all, but it makes me even sadder to think of having a wedding that i will think back on as something that made me incredibly miserable and wasnt a happy occasion at all.

chosen175

I hear ya! In the end, we decided on a destination wedding and it has alleviated 98% of the problems. :-)

simplemachine

Do your in-laws approve of this marriage?  If they aren't respectful of your relationship, that may be the problem, not guest count.If they're OK with the marriage, then it sounds like you've tried all you can to let them have input into the size of the wedding. There's only so much you can do if they won't give you an answer! At this point I think you're entitled to make the decision without them. Decide on your number of guests and tell them they can invite half that number, including "and guest"s.If you take their money though, realize that you're opening yourself up to threats of them withdrawing funds unless you do it all their way. How many people are you having that you can't do it for $10,000+?

misspeach1084

we finally got an answer from them, and thats about 60. (that is including FI's friends.) for my brothers wedding a few months ago, my parents invited 55-60, and we will most likely have just about the same guest list. (FI has a TON of friends, and could include the entire town if money wasnt an issue, but says he can cut down to where it needs to be if he has to) after looking at prices at one place that i really would like to consider, it will probably cost around $7000 (and THEN tax and everything.) ..and thats one of the cheaper places in the area, and thats without even a cocktail hour. so, ... we'll see what happens.

misspeach1084

(and no ... they dont object to the wedding. they actually LIKE me ... they just are like this with everyone. even FIL's own cousins joke about him because he never smiles. and MIL is usually pretty sweet and nice, but they just both get super touchy and a little overly sensitive about werid things.

chosen175

I agree with pp - first decide on your budget and figure out how many guests you can afford to invite based on your dad's contribution and what you and your FI are able to contribute.  Don't count on your FIL's at all for one red cent, because once you accept their money they're going to want a say and they're going to demand that you tell them all your plans since "they're paying for it."  Then divide your guest list into tiers - the first one being immediate family and 1 or 2 best friends ONLY.  The second tier is for people you can't imagine having your wedding without - close friends and extended family.  The third tier is people you would LIKE to have there but who you are ok with cutting if your list is too long.  The 4th tier are your pity invites (all the +1's) and people you feel you have to invite but don't really want there (ie your parents' coworkers.)  Personally, I would save room for tier 1 and tier 2, then see how many more people you can afford to invite and offer each set of parents half that number.  If they want to invite more than that, and your venue will hold more people, tell them "Any additional guest you would want to invite would put us over budget and would therefore cost you $xxx. You would need to pay for them in full before invites go out." - that usually shuts up parents who feel the need to invite the whole dang state.  lol

wednesday51

WTF!!!

Most people don't even HAVE house yet by the time they are married! They should be proud of you! Also, don't get talked into doing anything you don't want to do (or paying for any random dates/friends you don't want to---especially if it's your parents and you who are footing the bill!) Listen to Chosen178---maybe they won't even show up if you do a destination wedding and I'm sure it would be much more relaxing!  God sometimes I think my FI's family is bad but if they were that bad I would totally elope in a heartbeat.

Congrats again on the house!