Pre-marital counseling??

laciloo

I understand its traditional to do pre-marital counseling, but does that need to be done by the pastor officiating? My FI and I live together and although I would like to do pre-marital counseling, I don't want us to be frowned upon for "living in sin." This may also be a deciding factor in who marries us.

lilcassers

What religion are you two getting married in? I think the counseling is required depending on the church, not the pastor. Let me know and maybe I can help.

laciloo

We are Christian, and we are planning an outdoor ceremony. We haven't been active in church for a very long time, but I will probably ask one of my former pastors that knows me to marry us. Or we might have a family friend.

lilcassers

I am Christian also. My friend got married at the church I plan on getting married at, and although it is non-denominational, they required that they both have "different addresses" until the wedding. So if you can find your way out of that, I would just do that. (like put yours moms addy down for yours) I think it's unpractical for churches to think now a days that people are all still living separately. If you are actually doing like repeated sessions, i'm not sure how you can lie about it though... hmm, I hope some others have experience with this. Why don't you just call the church "inquiring" about having them marry you and get all the facts first and then decide if you want to go with them.

SarahPLiz

There are other people who do pre-marital counseling.

If you are doing it just to satisfy a requirement of the church, then that is one thing, but if you are doing it because you think its a good thing, then research marital counselors in your area. A lot of nondenominational officiants and family counselors provide it.
I know that in Texas, if you have premarital counseling from a certified provider (not just churches) then you save $60 on your marriage license.

jeanna85

totally depends on what type of christian you are. i am catholic and the requirements and rules were completely different from my friend that is presbyterian.

FutureMrsKnapp2010

I am Catholic and my fiance' is actually going through RCIA classes to become initiated into the Catholic Church. We actually are doing our Marriage prep or counseling with a lady who works at the church and is married. We have found that more useful because she can relate to some of the topics you discuss and can give advice from her own marraige. We are not doing our pre marital stuff with our priest one because we are going to school and our priest is where we are getting married which is over an hour away so we can't drive there that often. We are also living together which is frowned up, but we were upfront with our Priest and it helps that he is a family friend, but I know that if you talk to them ahead of time and explain your situation most of the time they work with you and its not a problem. Good Luck! 

kdqueen16

First of all congratulations on your engagement! I am happy for you! Now to answer your question. You usually do not have to get pre marital counseling from the pastor, however, it depends on the pastor's requirements. I would suggest that you check with him first to make sure that it is okay going to someone else. There are many counselors that you can find who aren't pastors. However, if you are worried about the "living in sin" part then I would suggest you find a non - Christian service. I do highly suggest you get counseling. My whole family is made up of Christian counselors. In fact they are of the largest Christian Counseling organization in the world. They said that you are 70% less likely to get a divorce if you go to counseling! That's something everyone should think about! 

janedoe1113a

I think you should find someone who does not look down upon you living together.  I don't think you should lie to the pastor.

Soon2BeMrsTing

Laciloo, congrats on the engagement!  My fiance and I are going a more "traditional" route (not living together, will both be 28-yr-old virgins when we wed in July, etc) so this will be a different perspective:

A few of my good friends are actually ordained ministers in various denominations of Evangelical Christian churches, and it seems to me that their greatest concern is simply being able to get to know the couple first through counseling so that they can be hopeful for the marriage and believe it can work.  The premarital counseling FI and I have gotten from friends whose marriages we look up to has been so helpful and practical for us as we prepare for marriage.  I personally think any couple could benefit from meeting with older, experienced marrieds and think it's great that you desire the couseling!  I know that for the good friend who will marry us, he married his wife's brother who had also been living with his FI and he was able to do that gladly because he regards marriage highly and he had a positive outlook on the couple.  I think there's a pastor/minister out there who would be glad to work with you and your FI as you prepare to be married.  Best of luck to you both!

maggielou1980

There have been a good number of points pro/con about using a pastor for pre-marital counseling. But since are as you write "living in sin" I would avoid being married by a pastor and get your friend to do it (i.e. Universal Life ordination). Otherwise I hope your friend that's a pastor is okay with it. I know that at a church I used to attend, they made couples that were living together move out until their wedding day if the pastor was going to marry them (and they actually did!). I have no idea what that resolved but there you have it.

hillaryeggert

This varies greatly.  If you have a pastor in mind for your ceremony, simply call and ask about their policies for pre-marital counsiling and cohabitation.  Be up-front about the fact that you are living together - don't try to "get around it" like a PP suggested.  Giving an address that you don't live at is lying and could easily come back to burn you.  Dealing with issues like a pastor declining to marry you is a predictable drawback of cohabitation.  (No judgment here - now-hubby and I lived together the two months before our wedding but we knew beforehand it was not an issue to our pastor - I just believe in owning up to your choices.)  Make some calls and see where it goes - you can certainly find great counsiling and a great pastor out there without being dishonest.  GL!