Just Engaged and Proposals

Telling parents who don't approve..

Hey I just got engaged April 12 2010.  I'm 20 years old ( 21 in Feb)My fiancé and i have been dating almost 2 years (November).
Here's my issue......

My mom know about my fiancé, just not that we are engaged.. Sadly she does not approve of him. My father,poor thing, has an idea i have a "boyfriend" but knows nothing about him.. and we already know that he is not going to approve either.  I know some people wouldn't date or marry a guy their parents didn't approve of but in my case I fell in love and he makes me soo happy. When I was younger ( really young) I was raped and beaten (at 13) so i started dating online where I knew i could only be hurt emotionally, which i was fine with..... Nov.  2008 (18) i met my fiancé. We talked everyday and he made me feel different than anyone else... . So in Feb. 2009 he flew out to come and meet me and well I fell for him even more. So about every 3 months he would out to see me, and April 2010(lol) i flew out to see him and he proposed. He accepted the fact I have a back injury and could possibly never work a real job, and has bee willing to help me and take care of me, even though I keep fighting him on it. He isnt rich but makes good money. For me it's a huge deal to know he ok with my injury, cuz what guy would want to take care of some one who may never be able to take care of themselves financially, and sadly unless they have known u for a long time... no one. 
Reason parents don't approve- Age difference ( 14 years) i know big but .. well you would have to meet him to understand, mom thinks im settling cuz i didnt date normally in HS ( i had 2 boyfriends who dumped me a few days later cuz i would sleep wth them)

Re: Telling parents who don't approve..

  • If you are old enough to get married then you are old enough to tell your parents. Just sit down with them and tell them. The longer you keep it from them the worse it will be. Lying is never good.

    Just explain to them what you told us. Sometimes people surprise you. If they don't approve at first they may come around.

  • I agree with bethsmiles. Hopefully they will support your decision to get married. If not, perhaps them spending more time with him and getting to know him better, and seeing how happy he makes you, will help. Good luck!
  • Obviously their approval wont matter since you are already engaged to him. This should be the happiest time of your life and you should definately tell your parents and just explain to them your decision to spend the rest of your life with the person you love. They should be able to understand, but if it takes them some time to accept it you'll have to understand they are only wanting to protect you.
  • Just tell them. Don't worry about what they think, it is your life and you have to be happy. I am in the same situation, my dad likes my FI, but my mom and him don't get along. I don't care. We haven't talked much throughout the whole planning process nor has my mom helped with anything. It is hard, but it is something that you might have to face, and as long as you can deal with that reality, you will be fine. For me, it has been a process, but each day definitely makes it better. Good luck and congrats on the engagement!
  • Thank you all so much.. its been so hard. Im the youngest and it hurts to know she cant be happy for me, since im soo happy. I havent been this happy since i was prolly a kid, but of course life was so easy then lol.
  • Woah, he's 34 and you are 20?  And he's your first relationship?  And he lives across the country?  And you've only met in person 5-6 times over the about a year or so?  

    I know this isn't what you want to hear, but your mom has a point.  I'd suggest sitting down with both parents (without your FI), and having an open and honest conversation about your relationship and about your engagement, and for you to listen with an open mind to what your parents have to say.  This had red flags all over it.  
  • im so sorry to hear you had such a brutal experience i your life! it is unbelievable how terrible people can be. but i am glad to hear you are finding happiness in your life! congrats on your engagement :)
    as for your issues with the parents, i agree with the previous pp that you should definitely sit down and talk to your parents. but i also think that being ready to get engaged and being ready to get married can be 2 different things. i think that since you have been in a long distance relationship, you shoud definitely spend some time living in the same city at least before getting married. but congrats all the same :)
  • i agree that you need to sit down and speak with your parents about it. i vote a long engagement where you both live in the same city and maybe after a year or so of that live together. i also think you should both think about pre marital counseling.( it does not have to be at your place of worship) taking some marriage classes will help with your decision. you also need to take some time to think about what is happening, i vote you treat yourself to a dinner and a movie (all alone) and have a talk with yourself. Smile
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_telling-parents-dont-approve?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:5888c877-638f-4ff0-870c-8101a2d4377fPost:951ffbac-dec3-4cab-9eb9-4ad940c134ee">Re: Telling parents who don't approve..</a>:
    [QUOTE]Woah, he's 34 and you are 20?  And he's your first relationship?  And he lives across the country?  And you've only met in person 5-6 times over the about a year or so?   I know this isn't what you want to hear, but your mom has a point.  I'd suggest sitting down with both parents (without your FI), and having an open and honest conversation about your relationship and about your engagement, and for you to listen with an open mind to what your parents have to say.  This had red flags all over it.  
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree with all of this. I'd be devastated if you were my daughter. There is a reason why your parents don't approve - they have your best interests at heart and probably know / feel something you didn't include in your posts.</div><div>
    </div><div>By the way, the difference between a 20 year old and a 34 year old IS HUGE! The maturity levels are different, you're at different stages of your life. </div><div>
    </div><div>Are you sure you feel comfortable getting married knowing your parents don't approve? They have probably lost a lot of sleep over your relationship. I would hate to put that kind of stress on my parents.</div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • The age doesn't bother me. We have the same interests  in some things and of course we have our difference. We have fought and yelled over small things. I know that my age is young, but I don't feel my age. I had to growing up at a young age.
    After what I went through with the abuse and then at home I was on my own a lot. I helped raise all my nephews and nieces. So for me I feel 27. I know its hard for  some of you to understand. Also i know you guys are the outsiders looking in.

    I know my mom feels like im settling but I feel its right. Honestly if any parent had to pick qualities  of a man for their daughter , besides age, he would fit. he treat me like a women, he treats me as an equal, he has helped me though rough spots in life. He's been there when I had a break down (long story a lot of stress, and death in my family). He wants me to go to school and work. He supports me in all that I do. He is always behind me helping when needed but he does make a point for me to make my own mistakes.

    As far as distance he is moving closer. After my 21st b-day I will be moving in with him so we can make sure that this is what we want, and also make sure we can live together. So yes the engagement is long. I wanted that way, obv. you don't want to marry some you can't stand to live with.

    I know in life people and feeling change. I just know that after 2 years of being with some  feelings dont change to much.  I know that I love him, i mean for me the thought of even trying to be with someone else makes me sick. You can't tell me that the though of your  Fi, or Husband or B/f with someone else doesn't make you want to puke, and cry. I mean if we dont work at least we cant say we didn't try.
    I always expect the worse out of life because those are the cards I'm always dealt, but meeting him was one set of card I wouldn't trade.

    I know that we have only met face to face a few times but we talk all day till im about to fall asleep and right when I get up. I recently flew out to Al and spent a week there and it was great! We didnt fight all we did was sight see and spend time talking and cuddling. :) ( i love to cuddle)  We spent time making fun of each other, in a playful way.. it seems that its always the butt that gets made fun of.. oh well. If he ever goes to far he ends up feeling so bad, and will apologize a million times. I would have to kiss him to make him stop.

    I think he a great match, im more the wild crazy one, and a sociable butterfly, and hes more the quiet hardly social one. We are like Ying and Yang. He keeps me grounded when I need to be, and I've help him come out of his shell more and more.

    Im not saying we are perfect, we have our moments. We fight and argue and piss each other off to no end, but give it an hour and we are making up and back to our normal selves. We say we are sorry then start joking around.

    I do thank you for the support and the advice, but  for one moment think of you significant other 13 years older, would u still love him, would u still want to be with him.. Would anything change??

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