Trouble Compromising...

scotqueen7

Hello!

I am pretty new to being engaged (12/25/09) and my fiance and I have had to stop talking about wedding planning becasue we just can't seem to agree on how the day is going to go.

I want a very traditional wedding with a church ceremony and reception following at a nice venue with all of my family and friends. He on the other hand, just wants to do a destination wedding or something that is super small with only our closest friends and family.  I'm having such a hard time with this because I have a somewhat big Italian family and really want to celebrate with all of them.

Is anyone else in this position?  How have you compromised?

emarston1

Ditto PP.  You need to sit down and talk (not argue) about what is important to you and WHY.  Then when you figure out why you want certain things, you are in a better position to compromise.

Does he want a destination wedding because he's worried about the cost?  If so, then figuring out your budget (and who's contributing) is your next step.  Does he want one because he doesn't like being the center of attention?  Then cutting the guest list is a good compromise. etc. etc.

emilyinchile

As PP mentioned, talk about the reasons behind things. WHY do you want what you want? Because the religious aspect and having all of your family there is a huge part of the day? If his reason for wanting a DW is to be outside rather than in a church, maybe you can incorporate that with a priest doing a religious ceremony on a local beach. If his issue is more that he wants it to be intimate, with fewer guests, that's a harder compromise, but you could do a DW and AHR.

Don't get stuck in the plans themselves (ie. I want a church, and nothing else will do), focus more on the motivation behind what you each want and find a compromise based on that.

redheadfsu

I ditto all the  PPs. They gave good advice.

spaje

So far w/ our planning... it's helped to sit down, write out an invite list w/ a number of people who'll actually show up in that "party".  Theoretically plan for if everyone you invite WILL show up.   Sounds okay, until we've started talk to the vendors and venue's and find out prices can be up to $100/head and it don't matter wether that person is a child, minister, or what not.  Then the reality sets in and we had to say... okay, no more than family, and perhaps even friends who are close as family.  That slashed the list REAL fast.  Not that we don't want them there, but finances are just harsh, and that's reality for us.  It also was an eye opener when I saw his list was just about 32 and mine was like 60! and that included possible plus ones on both sides.  The other thing we had to keep in mind, was I have a bigger family than he does.  and they all (for the most part) live in state. Where all of his family is in TX.  (we're in CO)... so We're both having to accept...ok... this is what we've got, we're not cutting family... we're gonna have to figure out how to fit it.  We know that not everyone will show up. (my family is on the OTHER SIDE of the state.. so..) so the numbers and Keeping it at 100... were pretty reasonable.  We may have to rediscuss once invites go out and RSVP's start comming in.

Good luck w/ things... It's a hard thing to do, I'm finding out.