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Just Engaged and Proposals

just engaged...and already MOG drama!!!

So i have been engaged for less than a week and ALREADY am having problems with my fiances mother.  His family was at my house literally minutes after he popped the question (my dad was at work and the ring was just burning a whole in his pocket so he couldnt wait any longer).  His mom and 2 sisters were really excited but immediately after seeing my ring, the first words about of his mother's mouth was "Well I hope you dont expect me to pay for anything because you know I really can't."  And that would be fine...if it were true!  She goes out to dinner, to the movies, has the latest and newest cell phone/lap tops/TVs/game systems and basically supports her 26 year old daughter who refuses to get a job and still lives at home, but when it comes to my fiance, she always gives him the cold shoulder and reminds him that "shes about to lose her house" and "is in so much debt that even her cash isnt good at times."  We aren't asking for support, and never have but she is already barking orders about the wedding.....who she wants to invite, what we should eat, where we should have it (and her requests certainly are anything but cheap!).  My dad has offered to help pay for our wedding (and a very large part of it, at that!) but he is learning to stand on his own feet again following a nasty divorce from my mother (who is also not contributing and is not invited).  And most of the people she has expressed interest in inviting are people my fiance and I dont even know!!!  So I confronted her about her having to pay for those individuals that she wanted to invite because my father, my fiance and I simply cant afford to invite everyone under the sun, especially when she isnt willing to contribute to anything else.  Less than a week and already my head is spinning!!!!  My fiance is completely on my side but doesnt know how to communicate with his mother so thats my job....what do I say? 
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Re: just engaged...and already MOG drama!!!

  • edited December 2010
    Wow. It sounds like you just have problems all around. I think a lot of it is MUD and you quite possibly are a troll.

    Edit: please use paragraphs, it makes your thread a lot easier to read
  • HobokensFuryHobokensFury member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2010
    Um yeah... your wedding is in 2 years.  Chill out.
     
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  • I think that if she is not willing to help you pay for the wedding, then you decide who gets to go and who doesn't. It is your wedding after all but if she is not willing to pay for those people that you and your fiance do not even know, then you should stand your ground and tell her they cannot come.
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  • 1) It's two years out. Both you and your FMIL need to slow your rolls.

    2) Your FMIL's finances are your FMIL's, not yours. She has every right to spend her money on what she wants to spend it on, even if it's not smart investing. That's not for you to judge.

    3) It's not your job to talk to his mother. It's his job to talk to his mother. If he's not mature/adult enough to sit down and have a serious, adult conversation with his mother, then he's probably not adult/mature enough to be married.

    4) Anyone that financially contributes to your wedding has a say in the day, especially the guest list. If she is not contributing, she does not have a say. She's welcome to offer her suggestions, and you should genuinely consider them, but she doesn't have a say.


    Whenever she throws a "suggestion" at you, simply smile sweetly and say "it's still really early for planning those kind of details, but we'll definitely keep it in mind when the time comes." If she pushes strangers on your guest list, let her know that your budget allows for a smaller guest list and that if she would like to add more to the guest list, she's welcome to do so if she can help cover the cost of their attendance. If she's still riding you about things, then your FI needs to man up and have a conversation with her.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_just-engagedand-already-mog-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:f5cb6f40-6ace-45bc-9387-85f114a3def4Post:c1524dfb-3085-413b-a899-5a57eb5f6a38">just engaged...and already MOG drama!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]So i have been engaged for less than a week and ALREADY am having problems with my fiances mother.  His family was at my house literally minutes after he popped the question (my dad was at work and the ring was just burning a whole in his pocket so he couldnt wait any longer).  His mom and 2 sisters were really excited but immediately after seeing my ring, the first words about of his mother's mouth was "Well I hope you dont expect me to pay for anything because you know I really can't."  And that would be fine...if it were true!  She goes out to dinner, to the movies, has the latest and newest cell phone/lap tops/TVs/game systems and basically supports her 26 year old daughter who refuses to get a job and still lives at home, but when it comes to my fiance, she always gives him the cold shoulder and reminds him that "shes about to lose her house" and "is in so much debt that even her cash isnt good at times."  We aren't asking for support, and never have but she is already barking orders about the wedding.....who she wants to invite, what we should eat, where we should have it (and her requests certainly are anything but cheap!).  My dad has offered to help pay for our wedding (and a very large part of it, at that!) but he is learning to stand on his own feet again following a nasty divorce from my mother (who is also not contributing and is not invited).  And most of the people she has expressed interest in inviting are people my fiance and I dont even know!!!  So I confronted her about her having to pay for those individuals that she wanted to invite because my father, my fiance and I simply cant afford to invite everyone under the sun, especially when she isnt willing to contribute to anything else.  Less than a week and already my head is spinning!!!!  <strong>My fiance is completely on my side but doesnt know how to communicate with his mother so thats my job....what do I say? 
    </strong>Posted by kmd0501[/QUOTE]

    This is never your job and really isn't your place.  If your FI cannot stand up to his mommy, you have bigger problems here.
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  • Ditto Oceana and tldh. 

    He needs to learn to stand up to his mommy of you have a looong road ahead. 

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  • It's his family which means he should deal with it personally...

    It shouldn't matter what his mother spends her money on, you & fiance should be able to pay for the wedding yourselves. It's great that your dad offered which means your DAD decides not fiance's mother which should have no say.Your dad and you can control the guest list, invitations, venue choice, etc.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_just-engagedand-already-mog-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:f5cb6f40-6ace-45bc-9387-85f114a3def4Post:3bd6d015-68e0-4e4b-8188-df6348e02c29">Re: just engaged...and already MOG drama!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]1) It's two years out. Both you and your FMIL need to slow your rolls. 2) Your FMIL's finances are your FMIL's, not yours. She has every right to spend her money on what she wants to spend it on, even if it's not smart investing. That's not for you to judge. 3) It's not your job to talk to his mother. It's his job to talk to his mother. If he's not mature/adult enough to sit down and have a serious, adult conversation with his mother, then he's probably not adult/mature enough to be married. 4) Anyone that financially contributes to your wedding has a say in the day, especially the guest list. If she is not contributing, she does not have a say. She's welcome to offer her suggestions , and you should genuinely consider them, but she doesn't have a say. Whenever she throws a "suggestion" at you, simply smile sweetly and say "it's still really early for planning those kind of details, but we'll definitely keep it in mind when the time comes." If she pushes strangers on your guest list, let her know that your budget allows for a smaller guest list and that if she would like to add more to the guest list, she's welcome to do so if she can help cover the cost of their attendance. If she's still riding you about things, then your FI needs to man up and have a conversation with her.
    Posted by oceana919[/QUOTE]

    THIS.  Is good advice.  Chill out, respond calmly to her suggestions, and your FI should be the one having the "serious talks" with her.
  • It is very simple... she does not get a say on who is invited, where you have the reception or what you are getting at the reception if she is not paying for any of it. The people who pay make the decisions and you need to tell her exactly that.
  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2010
    ditto what everyone said.

    If you are real (to reinforce what everyone said) ...

    1. He needs to be able to deal with his mother. If he can't, then  I would suggest not marrying him. You need to sit down & explain that he has responsibilities and you two are a team. Basically, he needs to deal with his mother.

    2. No one has to pay for your wedding. Even if his family was wealthy, they don't owe you a wedding.

    3. If someone pays, they get say.

    4. The flip is true. If she doesn't pay she is not in control. However, still be nice. Just don't talk about the wedding with her. Also use the bean dip/ weather method. If she won't let an issue drop.  "have you tried this bean dip? It is great." or "the weather is lovely today isn't it?"

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  • edited December 2010
    Agree with everyone here. When my FI & I first got engaged, our respective families did pretty much the same thing. Started talking about who's paying for what, where the wedding should be, who they're going to invite. It's now 6 months since we got engaged and everybody's pretty much settled down and let us plan it ourselves.

    So my advice to you is...be patient, step awaaaaay from the drama and let it all smooth itself out.
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