Vent/ FMIL advice

jess&lane52804

So to make a long story short, FMIL was upset because I hadn't involved her in any of the wedding planning, even though there hasn't been a whole lot to do and when I showed her my dress, she just said "oh" and didn't care about it much at all. Also, she hasn't offered to help with anything, which I do not expect at all. So to be a big person, and to be nice, I invited her and my parents along to meet with the bakery today. Today she has done nothing but complicate things and FI's sister (also a BM) is just making planning difficult and trying to change plans last minute. (I'll spare all the details.) Hopefully everything goes well with the bakery and we have fun- I'm really excited about our bakery because they get rave reviews around the North Suburbs (Lovin' Oven Cakery) and their cake is just so good!But, for those of you are married and who have difficult MIL's , how do you keep them under control on the wedding day? FI's sister said she would be in the bridal party as long as I wasn't a Bridezilla (direct quote) but she just tries to make everything revolve around her and changes plans last minute. I'm pretty much counting on FI's mom and sister to make a big deal about something right before the wedding, but does anyone have any advice on how to keep me out of it? I don't care what they do, I just want to be far away from it on my wedding day.

deedeedor

Short answer: have your FI handle his mother and sister when things get difficult (and even when not), and introduce the word "we" in place of "I" or "she" (referring to you) when discussing your wedding. "We would like..." instead of "Jess would like..." (assuming that's you). It sounds like you need a bit of a shield, and your FI should be more than happy to protect you from his family's unpleasant antics. I'm still two weeks away from my wedding, but the "we" approach has worked wonders. I know FMIL knows that at times, "we" means me, but it's better coming from FI than me. I'm so sorry your FMIL and FSIL are being difficult. There's always a story, so I know you have your reasons for why you think they're difficult. I just hope it's a phase through planning that will pass. Or that his sister is much younger/immature. On that point, I'd say to just ignore her and go through with your plans. You can't please everyone, even if they are your future in-laws. Trying to be nice and inclusive of everyone can eventually make you batty. It's OK to stand your ground and say no to them. Whatever it takes, reduce stresses in the month/weeks leading to your wedding. Good luck!

kthame

First of all, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this; I'm not sure why weddings can bring out the WORST in people, but it has been proven time and time again, that it does happen. That being said, if I were in your shoes, I would address it ASAP. If something bothers me and I let it fester, after not addressing the issue over time, I explode. I would try to be sincere, and go to my FMIL and explain that you really want to include her on the wedding planning, but she doesn't seem interested (at that point I would mentioned the "Oh" to the wedding dress comment). I would try my best to make "I" statements instead of "You" statements, so you don't come off as combative. As far as the FSIL, first tackle your FMIL and I'm guessing (if the FMIL talk goes well and you clear the air), things between you and her will also chill out. Just remember, that's her Mom and she's probably acting this was to protect her. I know how I am with my Mom and I'd probably not be so nice (or even semi-b*tchy) to a FSIL if I thought my mom wasn't be included or if my mom felt that way. Not saying you aren't including her...not at all, but if the FMIL is acting that way, more than likely they have spoken about it. Anyhow, my two cents! I hope everything works out well and you can enjoy your appointment with the bakery. This should've been my 1st question: has she cut the cord from your FH?

jess&lane52804

Thanks for the advice! Cake tasting went well and the drama subsided- it's hard to be upset when you have lots of delicious cake in front of you!

jewishmilitarybride

when you said "But, for those of you are married and who have difficult MIL's" that is a good starting point on how you should begin to think about this. for the married knotties, their MIL's are part of their family now so they may have a different way and a different right to deal with situations, and how they handle them. since you are not yet married, it might make the most sense to have your fiance handle any dilemmas on dealing with his side of the family. you want to start your marriage on a good note with them, and every son/daughter has already been through ups and downs with their own parents so if anything said gets taken wrong, its better that he have to deal with it than you.

jess&lane52804

The rest of the question was specific to the wedding day. I know that our relationship will change after marriage, but I was only wondering if anyone had specific wedding day advice.

Sparkette19

One of my favorite phrases is "you can't control what other people do, you can only control what you do." Don't let the FSIL take control of things. If she can't make it, then she'll have to miss it. I wouldn't worry too much about her. I think your FMIL wants to feel included in the planning process. I am kind of having issues with my FMIL and the planning process. I really want her to take an active part in the planning. I want her opinion, but she seems to want to stay out of it. If it means inviting your FMIL along to make her happy, I would just do it. I would always have my mom or BFF around though. You don't have to listen to her, it's just nice to be included.

duckie1905

My MIL was the queen of difficult during wedding planning and I too was really worried about her behavior the day of the wedding.The truth is, like pp said above, you can only control your own actions and truthfully, even if she is a bit much to handle on the big day, it will be up to you whether or not she ruins it for you.DH and his brother and stepsister did the best they could to just keep her drama away from me.  She got her hair/makeup done first so she was out of the room early and bugging DH instead of me.  I warned all of our vendors about her behavior (especially the photog as she tends to be a huge butt-in-sky when it comes to pictures) and between the photog and the DOC they managed to keep her quiet and away from me.I talked to her briefly at the reception but honestly she was so busy entertaining her own friends and family that we barely crossed paths all evening.Just keep a cool head, warn any specific vendors about problem behavior that might affect them, make sure your FI knows how you feel and enlist his assistance if necessary, and do not let her get to you.