No kids reception...I think I'm going to cry...

vszyman

So, we decided to have a no kids reception, well over a year ago, when we decided we were having a New Years Eve wedding.

Did not think this would be an issue, until I got a response from a friend (from Iowa... this will come up again later) for 2 plus their 6 month old.
No big deal- I sent her an email explaining that the reception was adults only, and I love her daughter, but it wouldn't be fair... blah blah blah; and she said "oops! sorry!  we'll get a sitter- no problem!"

THEN, we got ANOTHER response from one of FI's family friends (also from Iowa) for 2 plus a 3 year old and a 7 month old.  I asked him to let them know that we would not be having kids at the reception and he's FLIPPING out.  I know he just doesn't want to make the phone call as it is potentially an uncomfortable conversation, but he keeps telling me:
"In Iowa, weddings are different, anyone that's not invited just comes after the dinner for the dancing" and
"We shouldn't be deciding if this is an ok party for kids to attend, let the parents decide" and
"I never said anything about no kids!!" (which he did agree with me- forever ago- and probalby didn't even think about where this would leave us).

He just called his brother for advice (the guest of topic is his bro's bff) and now they are both pissed off....

I know that I was never going to be able to please everybody with everything, but I really was not out to hurt feelings- or discriminate against kids or families.  I love kids, but I know there will be a ton of drinking and we have a number of unruly friends, and I would completely hate to have kids around all the drinking.

Any ideas on how I could make everyone happy on this one?  or at least not hate me?  I feel like if ANY kids show up, some people might feel like "why weren't mine invited??"

TIA for your help...

nickandchristinaswedding

I'm sorry your FI isn't helping matters. I definitely understand ur situation.

We are having a small wedding and have started telling pp that we aren't inviting that we are having a small wedding and that although we'd love to invite everyone, we just can't. A lot of pp do understand this and do understand that kids are an added cost/responsibility.

If ur FI is continuing to make an issue of this, an option would be hiring a sitter(s) to stay in a second room at the reception or at someone's house to watch all the kids. That way the kids are "attending" but won't be around the drinking.

jessNlane52804

I don't associate NYE with little kids at all. If I had children, I wouldn't want them anywhere near an adult NYE party. I'm sorry that your FI is not in agreement with you on this one. In the words of my mom "It's your wedding, so you should get what you want". I would stick to my guns and not back down about the kids. If you make one exception you will piss all the other guests off.

angeliu27

We had a no kids rule and my DH is also from Iowa.  We made no exceptions and gently explained to our friends and relatives: 
 
1. We wanted to give people a chance to have fun without their kids.
2. Kids usually do not have any fun at weddings.
3. We cannot make any exceptions and gave everyone ample enough time to find sitters for their kids.

The whole Iowa thing is definitely different, but if you get your future in laws and FI on board with this, it all becomes a lot smoother.

kthame

I'm sorry you're having to go through this; I imagine it's tough considering your FI isn't seeing eye to eye with you now when he did before.

I am in agreement with you 100%; I LOVE LOVE LOVE kids, but I don't want them at our wedding. I was just at a wedding over the weekend, and there were kids everywhere running around and it's just a completely different atmosphere when kids are invited. The only exception to the rule that we made was that we will have our nieces/nephews. That's IT. We are putting "Adult Reception to Follow" on the actual invitation, and on the RSVP card, we will also elude to the fact that we will not have children. Period. If you tell one person you aren't having children, it has to apply across the board. It doesn't matter if your guests are from out of state and their culture allows it; they're coming to YOUR wedding, in YOUR city...

morgie44

I would agree with pp about getting a sitter for anybody who wants to have their kids nearby.  Getting a sitter on NYE is HARD, and some parents are not comfortable leaving their very young kids with a sitter while they are oot for a weekend.  That way guests from OOT can still bring their kids along for the trip and have fun at the wedding sans kids.  Also, it will look like you are trying to be more flexible and accomodating to guests, which hopefully will help make ammends to people who are offended (not that you should have to make ammends, you totally have a right to have a kidless wedding if that's what you want.  but in this situation, I think it might be best to try and keep the peace)

Sparkette19

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else that comes with planning a wedding.

I definitely agree with the PP's that said that it's an all or nothing thing with kids invites. You can't have some kids and not others. People will definitely be offended. There's really no way around it and it's not fair to the other guests that were told no.

Another thing is that this issue is between you and your FI...not you and your FI and his brother. Have you tried to explain this to your FI? It's been my experience that some guys don't have too much of an understanding about wedding etiquette.

I would suggest searching for Emily Post's advise for this situation to show him that it's not just you that has this viewpoint on this issue.

Good luck!

vszyman

Thanks all-

You've all reassured me that I'm not crazy.

Sparkette- you're totally right; I think the problem is that guys don't care or think about the ettiquitte thing; and he's not thinking much further than his not wanting to make this one uncomfortable phone call...

And Morgie- great idea on the sitter; I actually have one on standby and have offered her to a number of people with kids, but all have opted to keep their kids with people they know (like you said!).

Stupid boys!

Fingers crossed that once this is over (i.e. the call to them) he'll calm down a little.

ChiHeatherM

You are right about not being able to make everyone happy. I think they should look at your wedding as if it was just a NYE party. Would they bring their kids to a hotel NYE party that they had to buy tickets for? How are they supposed to have fun when they have to keep tabs on their kids? I think if they actually stopped to think about it, they would see that they are wrong for wanting to bring their children.