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Money money money

I'm trying not to be bummed out, but I just found out some news that changes everything. I started planning our wedding with the assumption that FI's parents would be contributing some money towards it. He finally asked them last night (after I've been asking him to for 2 months now). I never imagined they would tell him they're not giving us anything.His dad told him that "it's tradition for the bride's parents to pay for everything." FI tried to explain that times have changed, and that's not how it is anymore. And even if he wants to play the tradition card, the groom's family is responsible for things like the rehearsal dinner....his dad wouldn't even listen. He's convinced that he shouldn't have to pay for anything. His mom lets us live in her old house, so she said that's her contribution. I can understand that...but I didn't know she would say that and wasn't planning for it at all.I don't mind working hard to pay for a lot of it, but I am going to really struggle now just for a simple wedding. My parents have given us some money, but it's not enough. FI is in medical school with a quarter million dollars out in loans already. I am working basically an entry-level job.I can't go to Oahu next month, which is completely depressing. I need to save every penny now, and I'm afraid to spend my airmiles bc I need them for my Maui ticket. I'm going to have to get a second job and work at night and on the weekends now. Planning was fun at first, now everything just stresses me out. I know everyone else has money troubles too, so thanks for letting me whine.
andrea and ryan . june 2010 . maui.olowalu
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My Planning Bio

Re: Money money money

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    edited December 2011
    oh no... :( i'm really sorry to hear that. as cliche as it sounds, know that everything happens for a reason and it will work out in the end.on the bright side, the wedding can be a lot more "personalized" because you could do a lot of DIY stuff...maybe? :) plus, you still have your free AHR :)keep your chin up!
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    mauidandymauidandy member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks Carole-Anne....yeah, the AHR is the bright spot in all of this, I am definitely thankful for that! I shouldn't have jumped ahead with planning, it's my fault. I will totally try to DIY a lot....I'm just worried about lugging all of it on the plane with us when we finally fly over! Or the shipping expenses. Blah.
    andrea and ryan . june 2010 . maui.olowalu
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    My Planning Bio
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    japnezdolljapnezdoll member
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    edited December 2011
    Wow, that is a tough one!  I'm sorry to hear about all this added stress.  I agree, at least you can try to personalize your wedding more.  And, now at least you and your FI have a lot more say in the wedding plans, guest list, etc.  In regards to lugging all your stuff, can you maybe go to Maui early and get stuff out there so you don't have to fly with it? Or, if you are ordering things online try to find a company/vendor that is based out in Hawaii so delivery expenses are cheaper.
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    maui2011maui2011 member
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    edited December 2011
    Wow that is a shocker...I'm so so sorry to hear about this and that you cannot go to Oahu next month...that's ashame.  Wedding's as we are all know are not cheap...especially in Hawaii...and every contribution no matter how small is greatly appreciated.  Do you have a WC on Maui...i'm sure she will be able to help you find ways to save.  For your floral needs i believe it's Maui Flowers that works with costco that have very good prices on flowers and floral arrangements...you go to their farm, pick the type of flowers you want, and then you can pick them up at costco.  I really hope they change their minds and decide to contribute to the wedding in some way.  At least you have some time to figure out where you can save.  Hang in there. J. :-)
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    edited December 2011
    no, i don't think it's your fault at all! you were an excited bride. of course you wanted to plan. who wouldn't?definitely agree with pp and look for vendors, etc out there to help you out. for example, we're buying vases and flowers in hawaii and doing stuff the morning of. rough, yes, but cheap! :)
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    amyj513amyj513 member
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    edited December 2011
    Yikes sorry to hear that.  It's too bad that they don't understand.  They aren't paying for the rehearsal dinner?  I don't think thats ever been the bride's responsibility.  Hmm, hang in there and really try and still enjoy the planning.
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    edited December 2011
    that sucks!!  I'm really sorry you can't go to Oahu next month after having looked forward to it... Do you already have your venue booked?  I'm going to go look at your bio. I hope everything works out... maybe not everything you wished for, butting spending a little more (though not as much as you were counting on from the 'rents) to make it something you are still happy with. Is there any part-time work you can do?  even the seasonal hiring at the malls for christmas season.I'll be brainstorming ideas for you to cut costs!
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    edited December 2011
    oh, and maybe if they happen to see (you somehow show them) a bridal magazine like real simple or Martha that points out the rehearsal dinner is traditionally FI's side responsibility, they will at least pay for that. dang, it's sort of rude!  I feel for you sweetie!
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    vanilla15vanilla15 member
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    edited December 2011
    I am sorry...stressing about money is such a bummer, especially when it comes to wedding planning.  We paid for the wedding ourselves too...my parents gave us some $, but DH's didn't.  He didn't want to ask them to pay for the rehersal dinner & since they had all boys, we thought they just didn't know traditionally the groom's family pays for it.  Then one day right before the rehearsal DH's dad made a comment about traditionally the groom's family pays for the dinner, yet when they were ready to leave the rehearsal dinner, they told us how nice it was & left!  I am not complaining b/c they have helped us out a lot, espcially DH.  It was just more weird than anything.  We saved money buying all of our flowers (except leis & cake flowers) from the local farmers market the day before & putting it all together the night before.  I bought the vases at Walmart two days before the wedding to avoid shipping or luggage fees.And we didn't have a WC.If I think of any other $$ saving tricks, I will post.  And try not to stress...it will all work out.  :)
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    carrieoz_76carrieoz_76 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm really sorry that happened to you.  I have some very practical advice/ideas.  Some of this is really hard, but it's what I would do if I were in your shoes, and the sooner you figure this stuff out, the better.1) Figure out how much money you have to work with.  Then, plan from the budget, not vice versa.2) Consider changing venues.  Olowalu is drop-dead gorgeous, it's $2460 more than a beach wedding will cost you.  Plus, you're going to incur rental and catering costs that will probably be greater than what you'd pay at a restaurant for food.  Consider other options, like the Five Palms Restaurant - you can get married on their grass area by the beach for free if you reserve space there for the reception.  They have a $2500 minimum to reserve half of the patio, which maxes out at 35 ppl (whole patio is more), but that would still be much less then Olowalu.3) Seriously cut back the guest list.  This is also hard to do also, but it has a big impact on cost wherever your have the wedding.4) Don't go into more debt for this.  You may need to work another job.  You may need to consider postponing so you can save money (awful, I know), but now is not the time to go into debt for a wedding.  And you don't have to.  If you do the above things, you should be able to afford a reasonably priced wedding.5) Hawaii is gorgeous.  You really don't need to spend a lot on flowers, decorations, and other extras.  Spend money on these things as you have it.  Focus most of your money on the reception and any travel arrangements you need to make.I wish you the best of luck.  Take care!
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    diorgrl8diorgrl8 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    :( oh girl, you are not the only one on this boat, believe me! FI parents also originally offered to pay for the reception since most of our guests are from his side of the family...well, they have been dodging us on it, and we're now pretty sure they don't intend to pay for anything...which is ok if they didn't offer in the first place! I've also had to scale back the wedding plans, decor and guest list months back...esp. with our new home purchase and other unplanned non-wedding expenses...life is expensive! but weddings are (hopefully) a once in a lifetime event...so I agree with the other girls and be creative in substituting to save some money....and know that your wedding will be awesome because of your hard work and passion towards planning :)
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    eacernaeacerna member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The pp made good points. Sorry to hear that both your parents did not offer to give money for the wedding. DH & I planned and paid for our own wedding. We did not ask our parents any money. We're adults and can fend for ourselves. But, my ILs paid for rehearsal dinner and my parents also offered to pay some small stuff. ILs also gave us money AFTER the wedding which also helped. You can still have the wedding of your dreams without spending a whole lot. Like what the girls said, you can DIY stuff. I was a bride once so I know how very easy it is to want this, want that, etc. Being on TK sometimes doesn't help :-). It's a matter of choosing your priorities. Would you rather have a nice location but skimp on the food or have more guests but not have elaborate centerpieces? Set a budget and work around it. Just spend what you can afford. I honestly don't think it's worth getting into more debt just for this. I didn't go to Oahu for a scouting trip but everything still worked out well. The ladies here on TK are a very good resource so you already got that to your advantage :-). Hang in there! :-)
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    jrossbjrossb member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am sorry that this has happend to you!!! I guess the only thing that I can thing of to tell you is hey atlease you won the at home reception so that is a weight off your shoulders!!! I have a similar experience... my parents are willing to give to my wedding but my FI parents one is a real tight wad and has decided to only give 1k to the whole thing and he won't give it to us until we are physically on the island!!! I guess a 1k is better than nothing but man, his mother asked us a thousand times what my parents were giving but we never told her and she doesn't like that. I am sure that everything will work out for you! Good Luck and we are always there to help out!!! Maybe this means more DIY projects :)  
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    pbkmompbkmom member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Your future father in law is very wrong. I am the mother in law and we are splitting the wedding with the brides family ( I am planning it for them because the bride just wants to "show up" and enjoy lol). We also paid for half of our other sons wedding. At the very least, they are responsible for the rehearsal dinner and the brides bouquet and the minister and license. I know you can look it up on wedding etiquette sites that the grooms family is responsible for at least that. I do not know of one couple where the grooms family hasn't  also paid for either the flowers, the bar, a band or the DJ and honeymoon. If they are not willing to pitch in, then you need to severely restrict their guest list!
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    ETweetETweet member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am so sorry that you aren't receiving more help financially. We can definately relate. FIs parents said the exact same thing, whipping out the tradition card. It's hard to have to modify the wedding of our dreams to fit our small budget. Luckliy I couldn't have done it without the girls here and their amazing advice. I've never checked it out, but there's a budget board here too and I am sure they have some budget friendly advice. In the end, yeah you'll probably have to change some things, but it will still be beautiful and something that you two created together.
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    licia9880licia9880 member
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    edited December 2011
    I agree with the previous posts...you can definitely still have an amazing wedding! HI's natural beauty (and you on your special day!) will take center stage and you won't need to spend lots of money on decorations, flowers, etc. You may need to change your vision a little, consider another venue, and do some more DIY but you can still make if fabulous!FI and I are paying for the wedding 100% on our own and its becoming more and more common. Most of my friends have gone this route as well. I know its overwhelming to think of spending that much money and not having much to spend (my FI went to law school so I understand what you mean about student loans!) but seriously, don't go into debt over it and don't stress yourself out too much! Your wedding is supposed to be fun! Best of luck!!! :)
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    edited December 2011
    Sorry to hear about the trouble. My FI is a student as well so we are on a total DIY budget as well. We're having our wedding on Oahu because its the cheapest island to fly to, we also found a private estate which is letting us have the wedding at no charge. We're buying all the alcohol at Costco just doing everything we can to keep to costs down. It doesn't sound like these ideas will work with your current plan but if you change your plans and need some ideas let me know.Good luck!
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    edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry to hear about your added stress!  Take a deep breath.... I'm sure that you will find a way to make things happen.  Is there anyone else in your family that can help if possible?   Hang in there sweetie.. things will work out.
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    AngelshannAngelshann member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Planning a wedding is very stressful and when you add the whole money factor it is even more stressful. FI and I are paying for our own wedding and we never expected my father or his father to pay for anything....thats why we are only having a guest list of 50 people and it will not be an extravagent wedding. No way are we going broke over our wedding. I have had to do lots of DIY stuff and I have enjoyed every minute of it. Trust me you can still have a wonderful and fantastic wedding on a limited budget!!
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    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry to hear about the money stress. I will say that some of the most beautiful weddings I've been to have been on a small budget. I know you have the creativity to pull it off no matter what the limitations. Hopefully you will find the fun in planning again.
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