Family Issue

So the other night my brother made a comment to my stepmom that he will feel slighted if he is not in my wedding. My fiance and I are each having 6 bridesmaids/groomsman, but he is not one of them. We are asking both of my brothers to be ushers. Reason being this brother hasn't been asked yet is bc he lives in Baltimore and we wanted to ask him in person over Thanksgiving. Does anyone think that being an usher is still considered "in the wedding"? I have 4 grandmas & 2 moms. So I want one brother to walk 2 grandmas & a mom down the aisle. (Brothers have different moms)

I was a bridesmaid in my brothers wedding 4 years ago. I really don't want him to be upset, but it also wasn't my choice who my fiance had as his groomsmen. Also, my brother & fiance aren't super close. I think the last time they spoke was last Christmas when my brother was in town....

Re: Family Issue

  • BrittBritt22BrittBritt22 member
    edited December 2011
    I would not consider an usher as being "in the wedding" per se but I do think it is a nice way to recognize him.  If you go that path I would make sure you recognize him in the program and give him a boutonniere to make him feel involved.
    Another option is to have him stand up with you.  He could be your bridesman.
  • edited December 2011
    I would actually say that an usher is considered "in the wedding" because they have a larger role than just being a guest, they are mentioned in the program, and they get "VIP" bout. However, because he's your brother, maybe you could find a slighter larger role for him, as a sort of compromise between an usher and a groomsmen. Perhaps he could do a reading or as BrittBritt suggested he could stand on your side as a bridesman. You and your groom should choose whoever you want to stand by you without having to worry about offending anyone. It's your wedding, and your brother should be as happy for you as you were for his wedding, regardless if he gets the same role you had at his wedding. Good luck!
  • Kllys149Kllys149 member
    edited December 2011
    I know for my sister's wedding she did not have my brother in the wedding and tried to have him be an usher. He did not like it at all and refused to be an usher. He felt the Usher role was just to put him to work but not actually have him as part of the wedding. Im sure not everyone feels this way but I know it caused a lot of drama in my family. Our wedding we are having all brothers and sisters (that already totals 7 people) in addition to a few friends. We will each have 7 people on our side but it is worth it to us just to have them all included. Plus it works out better for photos. Just a warning that it might cause you some stress in the end if he gets upset. My sister tells me to this day she regrets not adding my brother to the wedding and wishes she could go back.
  • edited December 2011
    This is what I'm afraid of. Part of the problem is that I am not having his sister as a bridesmaid and that kind started the well I'm not having your 2 brothers then either...at this point I don't know that there is much to do change things since we have already asked everyone. I didn't put up a fight about it and didn't think it would cause that much drama. Hopefully it works out and thanks for responding!  We thought a nice way to include everyone would be to have his sister do a reading, my godmother do a reading and then 2 brothers as ushers.
  • edited December 2011
    I'd be careful on this one.  In my mind, family comes first.  My mom even told me and my sister years ago that we HAD to include each other in the wedding or she wouldn't help pay for it.  I would be very offended if I had a brother, and I was not asked to be a bridesmaid.  I look at the wedding party as a whole--not bride's side/groom's side.  I am having my FI's sister in my wedding party and wouldn't have it any other way.  One thing to remember is that friends will come and go, but family will always be there for you.  FI and your brother might not be close now, but this is the very beginning of their relationship.  They will see each other over the holidays and other special events for years to come.  Like Kllys said, you might look back and regret not including him as a groomsmen. 

    Don't worry about having even sides either.  Almost every wedding I've been to recently has had uneven sides.  We are 5 on one and 7 on the other.  On the extreme side, my aunt even had 14 BM and 7 GM--haha!

    If you think he will be happy being an usher and you are ok with that situation, then do that.  I would err on the side of caution though.  In the end, it prob won't have a big impact on your or your FI's day whether he is an usher or a groomsmen,  but it could potentially hurt his feelings for a long time.
  • edited December 2011
    I would say that if your FI doesn't want his as a GM then just have him be an usher. If he doesn't want to be an usher then kindly let him know that there is nothing else you can do.  It all comes down to what you and your FI want not what everyone else wants. My older sister isn't even invited to my wedding and I'm not invited to hers.
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  • edited December 2011

    Since you are posting this for some opinions, I will go ahead and be blunt with this - I think you should have your brother stand up for you at the wedding. Whether it means he's an official groomsmen or an usher, at the end of the day, he should be able to stand up with the rest of your friends. In my mind, unless you are estranged from your brother or you two have a very strained relationship, he should be standing up there before any of your friends. I am not exactly in love with my husband's sister (and I really had preferred her be standing on his side), but he asked me to take her on my side, and I did.

  • edited December 2011

    The groomsmen and bridesmaid issue when it comes to family can be very hairy.  I have a 2 sisters and 1 brother and we are all very close.  My brother is 7 years younger than my fiance and I but that did not matter.  I told him that I wanted my siblings to be apart of the wedding.  He has 2 sisters and I nicely informed him that only one of them could be in my party due to that we have a wedding party of 10ppl.  Like others have stated their are ways to make your brother included in the day.  I do not suggest you asking him to be an usher b/c I think is feelings maybe hurt.  Good Luck with the situation! I know it is a lot.
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