Bridesmaid oopsie (this is long)

sarahgoldfarb

OK, so I know I'm an infrequent poster but I feel somewhat close to you ladies, since I read your postings often. And everyone needs advice from semi-strangers once in a while, right?

Today I received a text from my bridesmaid that said " Ugghhh, Sarah's wedding is stressing me out!!!" I immediately assumed she meant to send it to her fiance or someone else, since I am Sarah. My wedding is several months away, and I'm super low-key to the point where I wasn't sure I wanted a bridal shower, I wanted the bridesmaids to just buy their own black dresses, etc. I called my sister (maid of honor) right away and asked if they've all been talking. They exchanged e-mails yesterday about bachelor party, which I'm having two days before the wedding so people don't have to come into town twice. And she also mentioned a bridal shower, but stressed that she doesn't expect everyone to come, especially this bridesmaid because she lives several hours away.

I nicely just texted the bridesmaid back and said -- "Was this meant for someone else? I don't want this to be stressful, please let me know what's bothering you"

She wrote me back several hours later and said it was meant for her fiance about their other friend Sarah's wedding this weekend.

I don't believe this at all. I'm close with her and usually know her plans -- she's never mentioned another wedding this weekend. Plus she just moved several states away, where she knows few people. But I'm not sure if I should call her out on it. I was ready to just move on, since I'm sure it was mortifying for her. But now that she's lying, I'm just bothered. I'm the type that holds people accountable for their actions ... so I need you guys to talk me down and tell me to just let it go. Right??

lesliejenna

Hi Sarah... So sorry you have to go through this. If I were you, I'd have a hard time just letting it go.  She's supposed to be a close friend to you, and I think it's always better to talk things out than hold it inside.  Obviously it's your decision, but I think if it's bothering you, just ask to speak with her and be civil, calm, cool, collected about it.  You'll feel much better airing it out and getting to the bottom of it all rather than just holding it inside for months!  That's my 2 cents, feel free to ignore if you'd like )

RecoveringActor

I know this is strange, but is it possible that you're being so low-key that it's stressing her out? 

My cousin got married 4 years or so ago, and his wife was SUPER low key.  And she told her BMs the same as you--just buy a black dress, I really don't care.  Her now SIL organized all the BMs and they all bought the same black dress because they were all freaking out that the bride was being very vague about what she wanted.  And all she wanted was for her BMs to be comfortable. 

My suggestion would be to try to let it go as much as possible, but have your sister fill you in on anything that happens. 

dibsontop

I know it'll be difficult, but just try and let it go.  Don't let it stress you out.  You gave her the opportunity to share her feelings and she declined (by saying it's not about you).  I've said it before, but if someone wants to ruin their experience of your wedding, then thats on them.  But don't let it ruin your experience of your own wedding.

sarahgoldfarb

Dibs, I never thought about what you said -- I gave her a chance to tell me how she's feeling, and she didn't. I hate letting people get away with such ridiculousness, but it's not going to be a fun 6 months if I start accusing her of lies.

Thanks, ladies. My fiance thought I should talk to her and I even wrote up an e-mail, so I'm glad I cooled off and consulted you all.

Let's hope she reaches out soon. Even if it's non-wedding related.

Ms.BriarRose

I know it's hard, but you have to learn to let it go.  I am going to mention several things; please don't take them the wrong way, because they are not meant that.  Having been there and done all this, with enough drama to cover all the weddings on this board, I am just giving you my advice/experience/observations.  I just don't want you to end up where I did, esp when it can be nipped in the bud now.

first off, you still have 6 months, and since it's considered a big no-no to ask someone to leave your BP, you are stuck with her for the next 6 months.  Do you really want to try and address this, have something go wrong, then it spreads to the other girls, issues pile on top of issues, and now you really are stressed?  For the sake of your own sanity, plus everyone else's (including your FI, trust me on that), letting it go is the best thing to do from that aspect.

You probably are not going to like what I am going to say here, but I don't mean it to be hurtful, so please don't take it that way.  It's okay for your BP and BMs to get stressed.  It happens with every single wedding.  Think about it- the time, money, drama... At some point, every BM has experienced stress.  More than likely, if she was fibbing, she didn't tell you because she was embarrassed- you are the bride, and she doesn't want to upset you.  In that aspect, I would let it go; calling her out and confronting her about it (no matter how nicely you do it) will not help the situation, both now and long term. 

Not to mention that things will not magically fix themselves after the wedding; things won't just go away.  You will still have to deal with the repercussions of whatever fights/disagreements/confrontations/whatever you want to call it after the wedding, and at that point your friend does not have anything tying her to you now that the wedding is done.  Is it really worth losing a friendship over a text message? 

Also, please keep in mind her well-being/reputation/etc as well as the affects on all of this on the rest of the BP.  Word travels- you may slip up, she calls another BM and break down crying, who calls someone else, they form their own opinion...see where this is going?  Gossip is gossip, and we all left it behind in HS.  She doesn't need her reputation damaged, friendships broken beyond repair, and neither do you.

If you want to address it with everyone at some point, I would suggest having a brunch or game night or something at home- you can send personal invites with little notes saying "I know weddings are stressful, and I wanted to give us all a time to relax and wind down together where nothing wedding is around" or something like that.  Don't mention any names- just say (in the note, at the brunch while everyone is relaxing or after a game has ended, or both) you know how stressful this can be for everyone, in many different aspects of it all, and that you want them to know that if they need to talk with you, it's okay; that you are trying to be low-key so that they don't have as much stress, but if it's not enough or you are being confusing, please ask and you won't be offended.  Also mention that if they see something going on that isn't kosher that they feel needs to be addressed, that it's okay for them to come to yo; sometimes they will notice things that you may not or even be aware of, and if they know you are not going to go bridezilla killer on them, that really helps.

In terms of it being another wedding- she may be telling the truth.  My sister was my MOH (younger sister).  She attended several other weddings during the time that I was planning, and helped out (wasn't in, but helped in other ways) for some of them.  I didn't know the people, I didn't know what the details were- sometimes I didn't know until after the fact.  Your friend may well be involved in other weddings in some other way.  Not to sound harsh or mean, but she is not required to tell you every wedding or event that she is involved in.  Heck, for all you know, it may be just a wedding she is attending, but not involved in, and there is drama surrounding it in other ways that is stressing her out.  Don't jump the gun on her (which most brides tend to d); give her the benefit of the doubt.

Finally, let me just say, I have been there.  I know allll about the drama- I lost two BMs because of the drama, and it continued all the way up past the wedding.  And I can tell you from experience- it's not worth it.  You have enough on your plate, trying to plan a wedding while still living a normal life, and the drama not only makes everyone uncomfortable, but it will add stress that manifests itself physically- headaches, aches and pains, tummy troubles, etc.  You don't need any of that, and neither do your BMs (because trust me, they experience it too, they just don't bother you with it!).

This is just one of those things where it really is best to let it go.  Take a deep breath, have her over for a glass of wine, don't mention anything about the wedding, and show her that you are a friend and not just a bride (bc trust me, no matter how lowkey or nice you are about everything, thanks to the show "Bridezillas", all BMs pretty much always claim their bride to be a Zilla or a drill sergeant or something horrible, even if it's not true)

Now go have a glass of wine yourself, relax, and enjoy that before you know it, you will be married to your love- and that drama has no place in your life!

Mattsbride10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_delaware_bridesmaid-oopsie-this-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:77Discussion:d9d60343-3ac8-4256-a402-dc9df002ca21Post:975a983a-4948-4a53-a910-95f7c826269b">Re: Bridesmaid oopsie (this is long)</a>:
[QUOTE]  It's okay for your BP and BMs to get stressed.  It happens with every single wedding.  Think about it- the time, money, drama... At some point, every BM has experienced stress.  More than likely, if she was fibbing, she didn't tell you because she was embarrassed- you are the bride, and she doesn't want to upset you. Posted by Ms.BriarRose[/QUOTE]

Agreed. Also keep in mind she lives several states away as well.  She is going to have stess, period. Not only does the money that goes into being a bridesmaid(lots of girls don't realize the responsibility when they welcome the oppurtunity) stress every bridesmaid out but in your friends defense the cost of travel must really be affecting her as well(I know from experience). Recieving invitations to parties she probably can't attend may be affecting her as well because she probably wants to be there but may not be able to afford it. Obviously you wouldn't expect her to do that and she probably knows that but its still stressful. All in all just try to put yourself in her shoes and appreciate her not confiding the stress of YOUR wedding in you the BRIDE. Hey it could be worse too... imagine dealing with a whiney maidzilla or a lazy bridesmaid that complains to your face.

RecoveringActor

WHINEY MAIDZILLA.  OMG.  One of my good friends had one of those.  She complained about EVERY. SINGLE. THING.  And she was the MOH.  I thought the other bridesmaids were going to strangle her.

misscastle

Sarah! I can't even fathom you being a stressful bride to be a bridesmaid for! Do you think it's the long-distance aspect of it? One of my bridesmaids kind of gives me grief about the money she's spending to be part of my wedding, but you just have to grin and bear it and remember that she could have said no at the beginning. 

At this point, I'd let it go. If she even insinuates there being a problem in the next couple months, that's when to call her out on it. (and, yes, that's my professional wedding editor opinion :-p )