Minnesota-Minneapolis and St. Paul

Possibly eloping because of in-laws...

Hey ladies,
I haven't been on here in awhile, but I'm just about to burst. For the past two months my FI and I have not really been speaking to FSIL. Now the FMIL and other FSIL has been dragged in and none of them support him marrying me anymore. The whole fight started because the one FSIL kept complaining about the dresses I wanted the BM's to wear, so my FI got in the middle of it and just told her that if she didn't like the dress she could wear a jacket or shawl, and if she still wasn't comfortable with that, we didn't want anyone feeling like they had to be in the wedding. And we didn't mean it in a mean way - we really don't want people wearing stuff they're not comfortable with, or spending money they don't have. Also, this had been the THIRD time I had accomodated to her specifications on dresses - it couldn't be more than $120, it couldn't be tea length, and it couldn't be strapless, and it couldn't be form fitting. How much more limitations can a bride have?? Anyways, so the whoe thing snow-balled and she took herself out of the wedding, the FMIL has openly expressed her feelings about me to my FI, and the other FSIL has openly stated that I'm ruining the family. It makes me sad because I'm not looking forward to the wedding anymore, I don't want to do any wedding planning, and I just want to "get it over with". We're going to talk tonight and seriously consider going to the court. I'm the type of girl that's been planning her wedding since I was like five. I'm the only kid in our family to have (maybe) an actual big wedding - my other siblings and my parents all went to the courthouse. I'm just sick to my stomach about this and have been breaking down randomly during the day.

Sorry this is long, but I feel like venting to other future brides or recent brides is better then venting to people who don't really understand how important this is. I just don't really know what to do anymore. Also, if you do read this, you should know that my family has treated him like their own son since day 1...I've never felt welcome in their family, and have been called "just his girlfriend" by his family during this whole ordeal...also, I'm the 3rd SIL that his sisters have ganged up on. I'm convinced the women in his family do not like outside women coming in AT ALL.
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Re: Possibly eloping because of in-laws...

  • hkieslinghkiesling member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    <hugs>

    I think the ladies on here have generally found is that the best policy is to let each person deal with their own sides of the family (so here, your FI should step up handle the family drama).  It's really hard sometimes to take everyone's opinions into conseration. 

    Finding BM dresses was the hardest part of planning for me, too (I had three girls sizes 0, 6, and 24 and the 24 didn't want satin, silk, lace, chiffon, taffeta, or cotton and had ample stuff up top.  The 0 couldn't afford over $100 and was stick thin all over, and the 6 looked great in everything which pissed everyone off.  Oh, and the 24 pretty much insisted on being able to try a sample dress on in the store before ordering). 

    Hang in there.  We found something everyone could live with, even if they didn't love it.  You will, too.
  • edited December 2011
    **more hugs**

    Whatever you decide to do, don't let them ruin your dream of having the wedding you've been planning since you were 5.  This is supposed to be the day you'll remember forever, the day you marry the man you love and will spend the rest of your life with.  Do not let them take that away from you.

    Sometimes, when dealing with my FI's family (and they really are wonderful, except for a few little things that his mom has taken a stand on), I have to choose my battles carefully.  Maybe for the bridesmaid dress thing, just choose a color and let everyone pick the dress they want?  Different bridesmaids dresses aren't what every bride would want to do, but maybe its worth it to appease FSIL and avoid any futher drama on her part.  I'm sure it has totally spiraled out of control since then... but my thought would be to go to her individually without the rest of her family around, tell her its very important to the both of you for her to be in the wedding, and ask her to reconsider.  Hopefully once you patch things up with her, the other FSIL and FMIL will see that since she's over it, they'll get over it too.

    She sounds crazy, by the way.  You are totally not at all out of line in what you've done so far... but there is no negotiating or rationalizing with crazy.

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  • edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you are dealing with difficult in laws. I understand how that goes, definitely. I also can understand how this can make you less motivated for wedding planning. All I can say is that you should keep going with what you have been planning, and try not to think about them. Even if they are at your wedding and aren't the nicest, ignore them because the rest of the people there will just realize how rude and childish they are being. Good luck and I hope things get better soon!
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  • edited December 2011
    :(

    Don't give up on your dream wedding! I hope everything turns out for you and everyone stops butting in on you and your fiance's special day.
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  • maybe984maybe984 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, I could see this stemming from two different, equally likely scenarios. Either your FI's family is just a bunch of crazy meanies... or his sister is just self-conscious about her body and you made her feel like that made her unwelcome in your wedding party because of it. Honestly, it sounds like it was a little bit of both.

    Have your FI talk to his ENTIRE family and explain how you're both feeling (about their general behavior, not the BM dress issue)... and don't be there when he does. Make him defend you. Make him talk you up. THEN, and only THEN, reapproach the FSIL. Have a heart-to-heart with her about why she doesn't like the dresses. If you still have time, see if you can find a coordinating dress in a different style for her. Most BM dress lines offer all of their styles in the same set of colors... I'm sure you could find something she'll be comfortable in that will look perfect with the other dresses.
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with PP...you def should not give up on your wedding day that you have been dreaming off.  Even if you decide to not have the big day with everyone...plan a destination wedding and whomever wants to attend, can attend.  That way you give the option to his family to attend if they want.

    I also think that your FI needs to talk to his family about this.  I feel really lucky about my soon to be IL's and have no problems with any of them.

    Good luck and keep us posted.
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  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_minnesota-minneapolis-st-paul_possibly-eloping-because-of-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:81Discussion:9c100edd-4c2e-4d1e-9d58-31a94b2892baPost:080ea715-503c-4105-983e-0326fb4f2e1d">Re: Possibly eloping because of in-laws...</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Honestly, I could see this stemming from two different, equally likely scenarios. Either your FI's family is just a bunch of crazy meanies... or his sister is just self-conscious about her body and you made her feel like that made her unwelcome in your wedding party because of it. Honestly, it sounds like it was a little bit of both.</strong> Have your FI talk to his ENTIRE family and explain how you're both feeling (about their general behavior, not the BM dress issue)... and don't be there when he does. Make him defend you. Make him talk you up. THEN, and only THEN, reapproach the FSIL. Have a heart-to-heart with her about why she doesn't like the dresses. If you still have time, see if you can find a coordinating dress in a different style for her. Most BM dress lines offer all of their styles in the same set of colors... I'm sure you could find something she'll be comfortable in that will look perfect with the other dresses.
    Posted by maybe984[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is an excellent point to consider. </div>
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  • Cascasbaby53Cascasbaby53 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Don't let them take this away from you two!

    If they don't approve, they don't have to come. OR if they don't approve, they can still be supportive of their family member, show up and keep their mouths closed!

  • hjw002hjw002 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I totally understand--my inlaws got super nasty two weeks ago and it culminated in me walking away to avoid further insult.  They don't like any of my wedding choices because it is not extravagant enought for their tastes.  Nevermind the fact that they have not offered to help pay for anything and instead presented me with a list of what the bride and groom traditionally pay for, which was incredibly insulting.  I have not spoken to them in 2 weeks.  I became emotionally drained and very upset for ~4 days, then I realized that I am not the only that has been in this same scenario in the past and that the only people that I should really worry about are FI and myself.  I was about to give up on the entire wedding, but really do not want to give them that satisfaction and most importantly, want FI and I to cherish that day.  My FSIL gave me a motto to remember, "stay calm and carry on."  However, I also learned that it is best for FI to deal with his parents!
  • Sara191431Sara191431 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow - Pretty much the exact same thing happened to me, but it was with my Sister and then my mother getting in the middle.  She hated the dress, and her an my mom are more alike than me and them, so it turned into the brawl of the century, where my sister said she wasn't in it at this point, then my parents weren't going at one point, then Christmas was canceled if we didn't work it out, lol.  Of course Christmas wasn't canceled.  In the end, my sister and I talked, she's in the wedding now, and it's fine.  Not back to normal but fine.

    It's hard though cause it's your in-laws, and not your family, whereas for me it's my own family and we were bound to work it out eventually I guess.  At one point in all this I told my FI screw it, let's just go to Vegas ourselves and get married.  But that was just me pouting.  I got to the point of, well screw them if they don't want to be a part of it, their loss.  So if I were you, I'd just keep on with the plan and don't let it ruin your day.

    I still cannot believe what drama our dress situation caused, and am amazed how vocal they got with the dress.  If I was in a wedding and didn't like the dress, which I have been, I would never voice those opinions to the bride.  People just need to keep their opinions to themselves sometimes!

    Moral of story IMO, keep on with your plan, and try not to let them get the best of you.  It will call come together in the end.
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks ladies for all the support and kindness! A little update, my FI has been completely 110% on my side and won't stand for his family being the way they have to me especially since I have gone out of my way to try to get to know them and be nice...anyway. He finally had a long talk with his mom only a couple days after posting this and she seemed to FINALLY understand because her in-laws did the same stuff to her. So, as far as I know, me and her are just going to try and start over with each other. As far as the FSIL go, they just started more unnecessary drama this morning claiming that the FI and I are spreading rumors...it's just ridiculous. But, we both decided to stick with it and we agreed that as long as his sisters are not in the wedding and we don't have to talk to them, we'll be happy as can be and excited for the wedding. I've come to realize no matter what, they're going to try and ruin our day and we're just not going to let them get to us anymore whether that means completely ignoring them or whatever. At least his dad and brother love me Smile
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