Am I being unreasonable? (LONG)

MaggieandJake

Scroll down for the short version

Ok so to preface, I was in my brother's wedding in '92 as the flower girl (he is 17 yrs older than me) and got to ride in the limo from the church to the reception.

I had always known that I would include my nephew (who will be 11 in  January) in my wedding in some special way.  he will be a jr. usher with his job being to escort my mom and grandma to their seats before the ceremony starts.

The week that I got engaged before even talking to my bro/sister-in-law about the wedding other than to call and let them know we were engaged, my sister-in-law got my nephew all hyped up about getting to ride in our limo b/c I got to do it in theirs.  

This peeved me for several reasons:

a) I hadn't gotten a chance to plan anything yet (least of all a limo) and she was already getting him excited about it.

b) We're not even having a limo but more of what I call a glorified short bus.

c) I don't want to be a babysitter on my wedding day or give that responsibility to someone in my wedding party.

d) we will be stopping at 1 place to take wedding party pictures that he will not be in.

e) everyone in the wedding party will be celebratory drinking on the bus and I don't think it's appropriate for him to be around.

My mom thinks it will be fine and told me to tell my friends to just tone it down since he'll be there.  My SIL will insist that he should be able to b/c I got to at her wedding.  FI is dead set against it.  I don't want to be the bad guy and I certainly don't want to cause a rift in family, but this is the ONLY part of the day (1 hour) that I don't want my nephew to be a part of.  

My compromise for the whole situation is give my nephew a joy ride in the "bus" with just me and FI where he can turn the music up loud and enjoy some fun time with just the 3 of us and then he can go to the reception with my bro and SIL.

I should also note that my nephew will be bringing a similar aged friend to the wedding/reception (I told him he could since he'll be the only kid there) and this hopefully will help my cause b/c I even more so don't want to bring TWO 11 year olds with and it would be rude for my nephew to not be with his friend the whole time.

Short version:

My SIL told me 11-year old nephew, without consulting me first that he could ride in the limo from the church to the reception (with one stop on the way for wedding party pictures) and has gotten him all excited about it.  I don't want him to b/c I don't want to be responsible for babysitting and I don't think it's appropriate to be in an atmosphere will there will be a decent amount of drinking.

Am I being totally unreasonable and selfish??  

Steph0871

Is your brother or SIL in the wedding party?  If so, and they'll be with you in the limo/pictures, then I think your nephew needs to go with you.  They can babysit.  If neither of them are in the WP, then, nope. Nephew stays with them and not in the limo.

SSaltzman87

I don't think you're being unreasonable here. Your concerns are VERY valid. 

Like Steph said, if either of them are in the wedding party- then they should be the ones looking after their own kid. They should be the judge of whether they want him around people drinking. I don't think that this should be a responsibility that's pawned off on someone else if neither your brother or SIL are in the wedding party.

I think your idea of having just him ride in the bus with the 2 of you would be a really nice idea, especially if you're close to your nephew to begin with :-) That'd be a cool moment for him to remember.

graysquirrel

I agree with Steph. I'd say that if both of the kid's parents aren't in the WP, then he needs to stay with his mom or dad. I think that it would be ok to stress that the party bus is for WP only. 

musicalsunlight

I think that it was rather rude for your SIL to assume that just because you got the ride in a limo when your brother was married, that you somehow owe your nephew the same thing. That being said, I agree with PP that it is the parents responsibility to watch after him, and if they will be in the limo then he should probably be there too. Otherwise I think it would be fine to do the special ride just with him.

MaggieandJake

thanks everyone!!  I was starting to feel really guilty for feeling this way.  everyone I've talked to has said that I'm in the right.  And no, neither my bro or SIL are in the wedding party.  I totally agree that if they were going with, it wouldn't even be an issue since they could be responsible for him.

 I asked my bro (who is 43) to do a reading during the ceremony, but he declined.  My SIL will be asked to be a greeter/guest book person.

The only thing I could see backfiring on me is that all of the other ushers except my nephew (my nephew we're labeling as a Jr. Usher) will be going on the bus.  BUT, they are also all over the age of 21.

Steph0871

You're totally fine saying no.  Although even that wasn't necessary, I think it was a really sweet gesture for you to offer to let him do a little ride with you guys.  

It was very inappropriate for your SIL to talk to him about it before asking you the plans.  Not to mention a sister-brother relationship is totally different than a nephew-aunt.  

martiac225

You are right and I agree with pp that it was rude and inappropriate of your SIL to tell your nephew that.  One of my bridesmaids (not a JR, this is my sister and she is SO excited to be a "real" BM) is 11 and will NOT be in the limo.  She understands, we are doing a little bar-hopping in between and it was never even a consideration.  Also, my brother is the RB (10 years old) and we are having a baby-groomsman (he will be 20 months), so my parents may be getting their own limo just to take them (the family) from the church to reception for fun...we'll see.

I Want Cake

I agree, you're not being unreasonable at all.  We're not going to let my nephew (RB) ride with us, or the flower girls, although it's mostly due to having a really hard time finding a classic black stretch (non-SUV) limo that'll seat 12 comfortably.

It was really sweet of you to offer to take your nephew for a spin with just you and FI.  That's a prettysignificant amount of time and honor for a kid to get at a wedding.  You're a fabulous auntie for even offering it.

mysticatgal

I feel where you are coming from.  Someone told my cousin that she would be in the wedding because I was in her parents wedding.  This is completely not the case and I am looking like the bad guy.  Your offer to give him a ride alone with you 2 is a great compromise and the fact that he has a friend to spend the day with will help.  Do not feel bad at all!

SarKriHei

You could always blame it on the company... since there is alcohol on the "bus" no one under 21 is aloud on the bus.... Just because someone invites you to do something or to there day, does not mean you have to return the favor, that was there choice. I  think you shold just stick with his own personal ride and say no to the rest.

flower_lover

Your thoughts seem very reasonable to me.

If it was me, I'd just do a quick explanation to my SIL, saying some of the things that you mentioned in your post. For instance, '<sil name />, hey, I wanted to let you know that we're not haviing a limo for our wedding, and I thought you'd want to know because it sounds like <nephew's name> was getting excited to ride in one. We're going from the ceremony to the reception in a short bus, and we're keeping it just to adults because we're going to stop and party a little along the way, and it wouldn't make sense to have kids with us.' If she in any way pressures you to try and have him ride along, just say no and use the reasons you listed above.

I think the situation is on your SIL, not you. She's the one who presumed you'd be having a limo and that her son would be invited, so I'd just be sure to point out to her early what your plans are. Hopefully she'll get the hint that she should ask next time.

MaggieandJake

Thanks everyone for the advice.  I keep going back and forth.  I think about what a great memory it was for me to be able to ride with the "grown-ups" in a fancy limo and how I'd like to be able to create that kind of impressionable memory for my Nephew, but I also feel like he will be very uneasy about riding with a bunch of loud and excited adults, but won't realize it until it's too late and then being the overprotective aunt that I am wouldn't be able to relax.

SarKriHei  I really like your excuse.  I might just have to use that one (make it a liability reason).

kmr333

You could also argue that the "short bus" wouldn't be safe for kids since there may not be any seatbelts. 

emilykathleen511

I would actually talk to the bus company, because I don't think your nephew would even be allowed on the bus if others are drinking. That was the case for my FBIL at my FSIL's wedding. I don't know if it was the company's policy or a law, or what, but he definitely wasn't allowed on with others drinking.