Awful BM's Vent!

blondii428

First off--to anyone who hasn't chosed their wedding party yet please take the advice that I didn't and don't choose them until at least 6 months out! You don't know how your relationships will change and some that may seem excited at first may slowly start to not care at all.

Out of 8 BM's I have 3 that are excited and supportive of me.  I know that I can count on these girls and I should be lucky that I at least have them.  Two are pretty wrapped in their own lives, but at least when I talk to them they sound excited.

The other three are hurting me and frustrating me beyond belief!  The first of these is my MOH.  She rarely replies to my texts and when one of my BM's realized that she wasn't going to be planning a bachelorette party she tried to step in and help, but she started ignoring her too!  She also decided that she can't afford a dress so I offered to buy one for her even though it's going on a credit card because I can't afford it either, but anytime I send her a pic she ignores me!  The second also decided that she can't afford a dress even though she still goes out a lot, so I bought her dress.  She hasn't responded to me anytime I ask when she would like to meet up so that I can give it to her.  The third has been utterly bitter both to my face and behind my back.  We had to move the wedding a month before hers because we got pregnant and she does nothing but complain about it and look down on me for getting pregnant before marriage.  She isn't a "wait until marriage" kind of girl either so it doesn't make any sense.

I don't know how to approach any of these girls.  UGH!  Thanks for letting me vent!

ChiGirl2013

Psh.... kick them all out and keep the 3.  You don't need this right now, and you shouldn't be spending money you don't have on people who don't even appreciate you.  You have a baby on the way, and it's pitiful that they don't realize that YOU don't have the money either.  Maybe they were using the dress cost as an excuse to back out of the wedding. 

I woudl sit down with them one at a time and ask them if they still want to be part of the wedding party.  Tell them that their recent actions make you think that they don't, and you don't want to force them into doing something they don't want to do.  I would also tell them that you won't be paying for the dresses because your own financial situation can't handle the extra expenses so if they need to back out because of the dress, you understand. But let them know that you're hurt by their lack of response when you ask questions and that you need them to answer you because time's ticking and you don't have time to play games.  In the end, THEY need to decide if they want to be in the wedding party, but if they're in it, they need to be IN IT and not ignore you whenever you try to get in touch with them.

adawn1981

I agree with ChiGirl about kicking them out!  I would throw etiquette out the window on this one,  I know you are not supposed to uninvite people or kick them out of your wedding party, but I most certainly would if they were being A Holes to me.  If they are making the months leading up to YOUR special day stressful, you don't need that.  Why stress about people that are clearly not being great friends as it is?  Especially with a baby on the way, you don't need the extra stress. 

[Deleted User]

I'm going to disagree with PPs, here, sorry. Kicking them out will make even MORE drama. Plus, it seems like, with all of you, emotions are running high. If you kick them out now, you will, most likely, perminently destroy the friendship. I just don't think 2 months before a wedding and 2 months pregnant is the state of mind to do this with people who were, just a few months ago, your nearest and dearest.

Tell your BM who wanted to plan something for a bach to just go ahead and do it, without consulting your MOH (as the parties are a "gift", MOH has no responsibility to throw one - conversely, if she doesn't, it doesn't mean others have to follow her lead if they DO want to throw one). CALL the BM you bought the dress for telling her that she needs to set up a date to get the dress from you or you are returning it. Call MOH, tell her the dress she needs to get, and when she needs to get it by. If she doesn't do so, she has removed herself from the WP. Do not "promote" someone else to MOH, just don't have one. For the one being snarky, just stop talking to her. Seriously. She's probably really stressed about her own wedding being three months out and feels that you're focusing a lot on your own wedding and your baby and not considering her life. The easiest way to avoid this drama is to stop talking to her about these things.

Then really. Just stop talking to all of them. You have several BMs already happy and willing to listen to wedding stuff. The others will either show up and celebrate your day or not. Kicking them out is a friendship ending move and could lead to a whole world of drama, hurtfulness, and other things that I just don't think you need to deal with right now.

tiny speck

Yeah, don't kick them out, that won't do anything for your relationship with them! It's one thing if they decide the don't want to support you and step down by their own choice, but don't kick them out unless you're willing to end these friendships and cut ties with them.

blondii428

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2013-weddings_awful-bms-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:820178d7-4f43-4671-bcab-c5c2c01eef1eDiscussion:b11447b6-d70e-402a-8470-04552a51b226Post:74dd4ec7-7601-48de-96dc-72257a33a398">Re: Awful BM's Vent!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to disagree with PPs, here, sorry. Kicking them out will make even MORE drama. Plus, it seems like, with all of you, emotions are running high. If you kick them out now, you will, most likely, perminently destroy the friendship. I just don't think 2 months before a wedding and 2 months pregnant is the state of mind to do this with people who were, just a few months ago, your nearest and dearest. Tell your BM who wanted to plan something for a bach to just go ahead and do it, without consulting your MOH (as the parties are a "gift", MOH has no responsibility to throw one - conversely, if she doesn't, it doesn't mean others have to follow her lead if they DO want to throw one). CALL the BM you bought the dress for telling her that she needs to set up a date to get the dress from you or you are returning it. Call MOH, tell her the dress she needs to get, and when she needs to get it by. If she doesn't do so, she has removed herself from the WP. Do not "promote" someone else to MOH, just don't have one. For the one being snarky, just stop talking to her. Seriously. She's probably really stressed about her own wedding being three months out and feels that you're focusing a lot on your own wedding and your baby and not considering her life. The easiest way to avoid this drama is to stop talking to her about these things. Then really. Just stop talking to all of them. You have several BMs already happy and willing to listen to wedding stuff. The others will either show up and celebrate your day or not. Kicking them out is a friendship ending move and could lead to a whole world of drama, hurtfulness, and other things that I just don't think you need to deal with right now.
Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]


Thank you, very well put.  I'm not the type to create drama or controntation as it is which is probably how I ended up in this mess in the first place.  I've already talked to the snarky one and you were exactly right she feels like I wasn't considering her feelngs at all and we've cleared the air.  As far as the one who I bought the dress for, I will just let it play out and if she doesn't get back in touch then that's her choice.  The dress was from David's online and I've already passed the 14 day return policy so I"ll just have to eat the cost.  And for my MOH, I'm just going to let that play out as well.  If she doesn't get a dress then she is making her decision.  I appreciate the feedback, I'm feeling a little better now!

vk2204

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2013-weddings_awful-bms-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:820178d7-4f43-4671-bcab-c5c2c01eef1eDiscussion:b11447b6-d70e-402a-8470-04552a51b226Post:74dd4ec7-7601-48de-96dc-72257a33a398">Re: Awful BM's Vent!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to disagree with PPs, here, sorry. Kicking them out will make even MORE drama. Plus, it seems like, with all of you, emotions are running high. If you kick them out now, you will, most likely, perminently destroy the friendship. I just don't think 2 months before a wedding and 2 months pregnant is the state of mind to do this with people who were, just a few months ago, your nearest and dearest. Tell your BM who wanted to plan something for a bach to just go ahead and do it, without consulting your MOH (as the parties are a "gift", MOH has no responsibility to throw one - conversely, if she doesn't, it doesn't mean others have to follow her lead if they DO want to throw one). CALL the BM you bought the dress for telling her that she needs to set up a date to get the dress from you or you are returning it. Call MOH, tell her the dress she needs to get, and when she needs to get it by. If she doesn't do so, she has removed herself from the WP. Do not "promote" someone else to MOH, just don't have one. For the one being snarky, just stop talking to her. Seriously. She's probably really stressed about her own wedding being three months out and feels that you're focusing a lot on your own wedding and your baby and not considering her life. The easiest way to avoid this drama is to stop talking to her about these things. Then really. Just stop talking to all of them. You have several BMs already happy and willing to listen to wedding stuff. The others will either show up and celebrate your day or not. Kicking them out is a friendship ending move and could lead to a whole world of drama, hurtfulness, and other things that I just don't think you need to deal with right now.
Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]

I 110% agree with this.

adawn1981

The other posters are probably right - don't kick anyone out.  For the record, I didn't mean just send a text saying "you're out!"  I was thinking more along the lines of letting them know that you are getting stressed not being able to get ahold of them etc. and letting them know that if it is too much for them to handle right now, it's ok with you if they would like to back out of being a BM.  I am also thinking that these "friends" are not being very respectful of OP, and sometimes friendships can end over stuff like this, and that is ok sometimes.  NOT if you are best friends, have know each other for awhile etc (and I do not know OP's story or relationship with the BMs but if it is more of an acquaintance type of deal.. sometimes those friendships end when people grow apart).  I have no BM's, just a MOH who is my sister, so I have zero clue how hard it is to be a BM or deal with one, but what I mean is that if it feels like you aren't very close to these friends anymore, give them the option.  They may even be ignoring you because they do not want to be in the WP anymore and feel bad telling you, so they hope you kick them out!  Maybe, maybe not.. but talk to them.

vk2204

I agree that they are being very sh!tty, but don't give them the ammunition to say that YOU KICKED THEM OUT OF YOUR WEDDING BECAUSE YOU'RE A MEAN AWFUL PERSON... ya know? Let things play out, their true colors are starting to show and other people will see it.

Maybe you can try calling them and talking about NWR stuff and see how things are going and take it from there?

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2013-weddings_awful-bms-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:820178d7-4f43-4671-bcab-c5c2c01eef1eDiscussion:b11447b6-d70e-402a-8470-04552a51b226Post:b6ae5737-064e-43de-be2f-1e23e61f676e">Re: Awful BM's Vent!</a>:
[QUOTE]The other posters are probably right - don't kick anyone out.  For the record, I didn't mean just send a text saying "you're out!"  I was thinking more along the lines of letting them know that you are getting stressed not being able to get ahold of them etc. and letting them know that if it is too much for them to handle right now, it's ok with you if they would like to back out of being a BM.  I am also thinking that these "friends" are not being very respectful of OP, and sometimes friendships can end over stuff like this, and that is ok sometimes.  NOT if you are best friends, have know each other for awhile etc (and I do not know OP's story or relationship with the BMs but if it is more of an acquaintance type of deal.. sometimes those friendships end when people grow apart).  I have no BM's, just a MOH who is my sister, so I have zero clue how hard it is to be a BM or deal with one, but what I mean is that if it feels like you aren't very close to these friends anymore, give them the option.  They may even be ignoring you because they do not want to be in the WP anymore and feel bad telling you, so they hope you kick them out!  Maybe, maybe not.. but talk to them.
Posted by adawn1981[/QUOTE]

The problem with this is that even giving the option can VERY easily be interpretted as trying to kick someone out. I agree that relationships grow, change, and end. However, I don't think that doing something that might insight an incident or a fight is really very helpful. If the girls remove themselves, great. If they dont' by the dresses and thus remove themselves, fine. But saying anything, even if it's nicely "are you still interested in being a BM?" just opens the door to OP being painted as the bad guy and starting drama.

I do agree they aren't being the best friends but...I dunno...maybe I'm too non-confrontational, but I just wouldn't even want to go near the can of worms that that could be so close to my wedding.

adawn1981

Von - I totally see what you are saying.  And I am just offering advice on what I *might* do in that situation.  Having not been in it, I might do the exact opposite of what I said in my post - I am not sure.  I just think things would be alot easier if they could talk like adults to figure out what is going on and work out the best plan for them.  I wouldn't want OP to be "the bad guy" for kicking someone out, or asking someone if they are still interested, but I also wouldn't want her to have added stress because of BMs being unresponsive and bitter to her and about her behind her back.  That is a tough situation OP, let us know how it goes.  I wish you the best and hopefully everyone can start communicating better

[Deleted User]

adawn - fair enough and I do agree. I think I'm just jaded. I've tried way too many times to have adult conversations with irrational people only to end up having it blow up in my face. So, I think my natural reaction is "how to get out of this without being the one who gets blamed." Possibly not the best reaction but...c'est la vie.
 
I also agree it's a sticky situation. Hopefully you all can communicate, OP (it sounds like you did with the one - which is WONDERFUL). And, if not, hopefully you can just back off from the relationships and still just have a great, drama free wedding.

adawn1981

Yep Von, that is very true.  You never know how somebody will act in a conversation, they can be very irrational out of nowhere!  That, in turn, creates more stress because then you feel bad for bringing (whatever it was) it up anyway!  Ugh... Either way, it's not easy.  Remeber in the beginning of planning us girls were stressing over what flavor of cake, or what colors we should use for our weddings!!?  Now, we have a whole new level of stress.. dealing with people!  We should be a bunch of happy campers come May 2013 when we are all married and done planning/stessing over a wedding