Michigan-Detroit

Can I?

invite someone to the bachelorette party and not invite them to the shower?

I'm having a hard time cutting down the guest list for my shower, basically the only people on the list are aunts, cousins and friends but that is still 85 people.  If I can't cut the list down does anyone have a suggestion of inexpensive places to have the shower?  I checked out Buddy's (my maid of honor is going to look into this more) and it's about $11 per person not including drinks and the 18% required gratuity.  I didn't think it was that bad of a price but not sure if Buddy's has room for about 60 people (assuming at least 30% don't come) and my mom thinks it is too expensive.  Any thoughts or advise?  I know I'm not supposed to plan the shower myself but my mom got all frustrated last night and told me to do what I want and send her the bill, which isn't a good sign either.

Did anyone else have a ton of stress over the shower? 
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Re: Can I?

  • edited December 2011
    I don't think there's any rules about invites to bach. party and shower - I would assume those would have slightly different guest lists since I don't want my Aunts and Mom at my bachelorette party. But if it were a close friend that I was inviting to the bachelorette party, I'd want her at the shower. 

    Are you close with all your Aunts and Cousins or are you inviting all because you invited some?  Is this your family only, or FI's side too? If its both then maybe FI's family (mom, sister, cousin, aunt) would like to cohost and help with some of the expense.

    In regard to the location, are you opposed to doing it at a VFW/Elks/Church hall? Perhaps that would be less expensive and you could do appetizers and cake instead of a full meal. Or see if a brunch may be less expensive.

    I'm going to end up with one huge shower too (about 60-80 ppl) because we're doing both sides at one time so the mom's are splitting the costs.

    HTH - good luck!
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  • edited December 2011
    I am close with most of my aunts and cousins.  I just think that you can't really invite a cousin and not invite her mother (my aunt) without people getting upset.  It does also include FI's side.  I've mentioned to my mom that FI's mom might split the cost with her and the girls in the bridal party can pick up the rest of things (cake and decorations if needed) but she doesn't seem to hear that part I guess.  Maybe it will all get better.  I found I can have it at my work clubhouse but it's a bit further away than I would like to have it.  Gonna compare the difference from having it there verses a restaurant or something like that.

    Thank you!!
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  • Julz629Julz629 member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I think its OK to be invited to one and not the other.  I would prioritize by inviting your family to the shower first, and friends if you have the space/money.  But I think its OK to invite friends to just the bachelorette party.
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  • edited December 2011
    My shower was at my parent's church.  Mom got some croissants, cheese, lunch meat, etc and made some desserts/bought a sheet cake.  It was definitely more cost-effective!
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  • edited December 2011
    If cutting the guest list isn't an option, then I'd look into doing something like appetizers in lieu of a full meal, or making the food, maybe the bridesmaids and FMIL could all pitch in and bring a dish.

    Perhaps I'm strange, but I would be a little confused/hurt if I wasn't invited to my friend's shower unless it were a weird situation like she lived out of state or something. 
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  • HiggyFan42HiggyFan42 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We had my shower at a community center and then had papa romano's cater it.  The food was relatively cheap and we had a ton of food left over.  Would something like that be a possibility?
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  • ms nobodyms nobody member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    can i invite someone to the bachelorette party and not invite them to the shower?

    if you're that close with them (ie potentially to get drunk/have sex talks/have various renditions of a penis around you at all times) they should be invited to both events. especially if they're on the same day and some of the girls are from OOT. JMO

    if they arent on the same day i think you're fine.
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  • edited December 2011
    I would be hurt if I was invited to the bach party and not the shower. I could see if it was one of FI's friends FI (follow me?) who was getting married. Some of the girls I am not close with and would be completely ok with not going to the shower. But most of the time it is the other way around...I would be invited to the shower and not the bach party. The bach party is more for close friends...those friends should be at the shower as well.

    As far as locations go. What about a clubhouse. I know you mentioned your work clubhouse is too far away. Do any of your aunts, friends, anyone live in a subdivision where there is a clubhouse? We are doing that and making the food ourselves. It saves on cost and is more intimate than having it at a hall.

    Remember, Buddy's does not have a seperate banquet room. We thought of having our rehersal dinner there, but I wanted a private room. As long as you are ok with having random people sitting next to your party, go for it. But I was not ok with that. Also, you can ask your FMIL to host a shower as well. If you split them up, maybe you can have the showers at someone's home.
  • terbear_86terbear_86 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I haven't had my wedding shower yet, but when I had my two baby showers they were both brunch/appetizer events and most of the wedding showers I have been to were appetizer/cake/punch type events either in a church hall, or vfw. Coffee, punch, maybe pop. Maybe it is just my family, but doing a shower at a restaurant location would be pretty difficult a) because there are so many of us, and b) you have to take into account the number and size of the gifts you will be receiving and have to open and be maybe on a "schedule" with a restaurant as in only being allotted a certain amount of time. 60 people will not bring gifts small enough to go on one 8 ft rectangular table LOL. You can get great catering at closer to 5-7 pp if you do it at a VFW or something of the like.
  • edited December 2011
    I've attended two showers, and they were very different, but I have to say that as a guest, I actually liked the laid back one more.  One was at a really nice hall type of place with nice catered food, but it just felt too formal to really relax and have fun.  We all just sat at our tables and talked to the people immediately around us, watched gifts being opened, and that was it.  The other one was at the lady's mom's house.  They just put out some lunch meat and bread and people made their own sandwiches.  There was also some other finger food, like desserts, fruit, cheese and crackers, etc.  I'm sure it was super cheap, but it was fun!  People had to get up to get their food, forced people to mingle.  Just all around a more relaxed and happy vibe.  That's how I'd like my shower to be!
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