Bridesmaid regret

lcsnowflake

This is long- sorry!
So today was my shower and it was a wonderful day, but I spent some of the time regretting my bridesmaid decisions.

I have 6 bridesmaids and 4 of them are awesome.  So the two that are not-so-awesome- I already complained about one on Wednesday during the venting.  She lives in the UP and acts like its another planet.  Her family lives down here and she rarely comes home, but she came down last weekend, which meant she couldn't afford to come down this weekend.  Thus, she missed the shower.  I understand you live far away, but you couldn't have scheduled your trip home to match up with my shower weekend? Plus my MOH checked the dates with her to make sure she would be available back in December.  Then when she was home, she dropped off a gift. It was the leftovers from the bathroom basket from her wedding (not joking).  A few months ago when we ordered the dresses, she asked me to ask my mom to pay for her dress.  My mom isn't paying for any part of my wedding, so why would she pay for a bridesmaid dress....  My other not-so-awesome BM came to the shower today late and then proceeded to fill out her card at the head table as everyone watched.  She also didn;t have time to buy a gift so she gave us cash (she explained all this in the card).  Clearly, she did all of this on her way this morning.  She also was absolutely no help during the shower and aimlessly stood around. 

This is all aggravating in its own way, but to add to this, I had an old friend drive from an hour away to come to the shower.  She was on-time and came even though she knew that she wouldnt know anyone.  She was super awesome about not knowing anyone and spent the afternoon talking with my family.  I sat at the head table with my bridesmaids and couldn't help but think that I should have asked this old friend.  She should have been up at the head table.  I am deeply regretting my decisions on my bridesmaids.  They agreed to take on this task of being a BM, but don't seem to care or appreciate it.  I wish I had made better decisions.  Its actually making me sick to my stomach and I cant even sleep because its making me feel so bad.  I'm dreading dealing with the two of them for any other WR activities and I don;t want them to have an honor they don't deserve.  My parents tells me that there is nothing I can do now, but I cant help but continue to think about it.  All I wanted was a group of BMs that act like they care and support me.

emarston1

Your parents are right, there is nothing you can do about it now so there's no point in stressing about it and having it keep you up at night.

And in the grand scheme of things, these are not that big of problems.  You have four fantastic bridesmaids which are making the other ones look not so great.  But ya know what?  BMs aren't required to attend the shower (heck none of my will be there) or even help plan it.  Plus it sounds like your one BM is having major cash flow problems.  She probably gave you the extra bathroom basket gifts because she couldn't afford a gift but felt bad about not getting you anything.  Let it go.

And the UP can feel like another planet.  Isnt it at least a 6 or 7 hour drive?  That's a little ridiculous to expect her to be there when she lives that far away.  You don't know her reasoning for coming the weekend before.  Maybe there was a family emergency that she didn't want to get into.  Maybe she was embarassed about her lack of gift and would rather not face you while you opened it in front of a bunch of people.

Try to forget about your disappointment because it doesn't sound like they've done anything terrible.  Remember that there was a reason why you initially asked them and focus on that.  Be thankful for your wonderful BMs and don't let the disappointment affect you.  If you keep focusing on the negative, you are going to miss out on some fantastic moments.

Cheer up   It will all be ok in the end!

On a side note - do you have pics from the shower?  What was your favorite gift you got?  Any non-registry items that you received that you love?  Favorite game that you played?

mrsbunyip

To add to PP, I was at my SIL's shower last month, and only 4 of the 6 bridesmaids showed up.  

When we go to L'anse/Baraga in the UP, it's an 8 hour drive.  Maybe she tried being able to go to her trip the weekend of your shower and things didn't work out (work, spouse, etc).  Did your mom buy her the dress?  If not, maybe politely ask her if she can pay for it (the BM, not your mom), but if she can't, you'll understand if she doesn't want to be in the WP.  Maybe she couldn't afford to get you a gift after the drive down.  Maybe there's another gift for you at the wedding.  

With the other BM, is there something specific you told her to do?  A lot of people can be very shy around people they don't know.  I'm sure if you had asked her to hang up a streamer or something, she would have helped.  

Lastly, a piece of advice that was given to me by these wonderful knotties: No one is ever going to care as much about your wedding as you are.  As long as they are there on the wedding day is all that matters.  Good luck.

lisa89760

I agree with PP...not all the BM's can make the shower.  I'm only going to have 7/9 there and it's not that big of a deal. 

I wouldn't stress too much regarding what your BM's are doing.  Some people act differently in different situations.  I know I don't really show my excitement for things that well, so I might come off as not really into it when I really am.

Another thing, there are plenty of times (i would say like 99%) that I'm buying a card on the way to a shower and filling the card out in the car.  And with the cash you can go get whatever you guys want!  Sometimes I would rather get cash!

lcsnowflake

Thank you all for the words of support.  I know that everyone has their reasons for doing things and I am not seeing the whole story.  I was just feeling bad that I had an old friend there who I felt like I should have asked to be a BM. 

Liz- I'll post some pictures soon but maybe I'll start a new and not so depressing post!

klreese0213

This is one of the main reasons why we are choosing to not have a wedding party. I know a ton of people have thier friends in their wedding. I have a lot of close friends but would not feel comfortable having them stand up with me. I have heard so many horror stories about relationships falling apart during or shortly after the marriage.

However, as PP said, you have 4 amazing ladies who are pulling their weight. Don't dwell on the negative girls. just don't ask them to do very much so you wont be disappointed in their none involvement.

rcj2rcd

I wouldn't dwell on it. You have a lot on your plate and you are very lucky to have 4 BMs gracious enough to help you out. There may be something going on with the other BMs that you don't know about, they may be unfamiliar with wedding planning and figure it's best to stay out of it, or maybe it's just not a priority for them.

Just keep communicating your info and logistics for the wedding and the BMs that want to and can help will let you know.

lcsnowflake

Thanks this is really helpful.  Someone on my month board also suggested just adjusting my expectations, similar to what klreese said.  I can already see some relationships falling apart after the wedding, which is sad.  I never wanted my wedding photos to have people who my childern would have no idea who they were.  You are all right though, I have 4 great ones and should focus on them and how wonderful they are.  I'm really trying to pull myself out of this funk.  I will post some pictures from the shower later today and talk about the good things that happened!

rcj2rcd

Maybe this will cheer you up...

My sister's cat likes to sleep in paper bags. He burrows out the bottom of the bag, shimmies in, and falls asleep. She calls it a "kitty cannoli". We cannot figure out his weird fascination with paper bags.

July032011

lol i hate cates and i lmao at this! how funny! kitty canoli i love it!

emarston1

OMG Rachael that is awesome!

klreese0213

hahaha the kitty made ME feel better and i'm not even sad!! It HAS to make Snowflake feel better!!

lcsnowflake

It definetly made me feel better!  Kitty canoli- how cute!!

I also talked to one of my awesome bridesmaids and we are now starting to plan the bachelorette party.  I am going to keep realistic expectations for my BMs and focus on the awesome ones!  Plus even though I felt bad that I didn't ask my old friend to be a BM, it was amazing that she came yesterday and that really means alot to me.

Thank you for all your words of support.  I broke down to FI on the phone during his lunch break.  He responded "well from what you told me, sounds like the girls on the Knot already gave you some good advice and you know what you need to do"

Thank you!

mrsbunyip

Kitty canoli!!!!!!!!  I love it!

Snowflake, it sounds like you have a smart FI.