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Michigan-Detroit

Question for the younger brides

Let me preface this by saying I'm not trying to insult anyone or say young people shouldn't get married.

I'm old (haha ok 28) and I just heard FI's cousin who is 20 or 21 is engaged and getting married in July. IMO its really young, I guess I think back to when I was 20 and even though it wasn't that long ago I didn't even want to be married then so I guess I'm not understanding the appeal.

I know we have some younger brides around, so I was wondering what made you decide to get married young and how do you know 'he's the one'?
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Re: Question for the younger brides

  • edited December 2011
    Good question, Erin!  I've always kind of wondering the same thing.  I sure as heck wasn't ready to get married at 20 or 21...but that's just me.

    I look forward to reading the posts in this thread. :)
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  • edited December 2011
    Sorry, I like to think that I'm still young. I'm 31 will be 32 by the time I marry.

    But I did get married when I was 22 and now I'm divorced.  :-(  Let me tell you, it really really sucked!!   My first marriage lasted  4 years and I thought he was the one, after I grew up I realized we were too different and both needed to grow. Sometimes you don't grow together, you grow apart.  Very very sad.
  • edited December 2011
    Wow! 20?!   IMHO (not that you asked..LOL) But..
    Age ain't nothing but a number, but when it comes to marriage, that is REALLY young. At that age, you really have to be prepared to understand "growing" together with someone b/c growing and changing is the #1 issue when getting married so young. What a person wants and is interested in at 20, may not be the same thing you are interested in at 25.
  • edited December 2011
    Big heart directed at Kayla.  You're only as old as you feel!
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  • becandjim10becandjim10 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Im 26, Ive been with my FI since I was 19 and yes I knew then I wanted to marry him. Does that mean the majority of 20-22 year olds are ready NO!! I didnt like hearing it then but I am glad my Dad always said, grow up a little, make sure you are able to grow together, love together and accept each other for the normal changes that come with adulthood. SO GLAD!! Luckily I am still with the same man and we are getting married in less than 6 months BUT BUT BUT most 19-22 year olds are not ready. The idea of playing house is a lot easier than the reality. I also am glad my Dad told us to live together first because your ideas of someone can change when you see how they actually live day to day.


    We went through about a year of "growing pains" getting used to be less selfish and not being 100% the boss (even though I like to tell myself I am the boss 100%)



  • emily1004emily1004 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
     I'm gonna be 30 this year and I couldn't even dream about getting married at such a young age. Like Booger+Bear said, I also am not trying to insult anyone, but at that age I was too busy with college, having fun with my friends, traveling and seeing things I've never seen before. I know they say some people are more mature than others, but IMO at that age I think everyone still has a lot of growing up to do. I really like that question, and I too am curious........
    x
  • edited December 2011
    Kayla - I guess I should point out I defintely don't feel old either lol! I'm sorry to hear about how your first marriage ended but I'm glad you found happiness now!
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  • edited December 2011
    I really, really hope some of the younger brides (I think we have some that are 20/21/22??) come forward and enlighten us, help us understand.

    My parents got married at 20 and are still married 35 years later.  I certainly don't think it's impossible for it to work out. 

    I want to hear others' stories...pretty please share!! :)
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  • edited December 2011
     I'd have to agree with everything everyone said.  I got engaged when I was 23, and am getting married at 26.  My parents thought 23 was young, and I did too...which is why we chose to wait 3.5 years before getting married.

    We moved in together about 6 mo. after getting engaged.  Which I would highly recommend to ANYONE getting married.  You've got to be able to LIVE with the person, and I'd rather not get married and then realize that we are completely incompatible in the living realm.  We finished up school, lived together, made rules, discussed how things would be and play out once we were married.  Discussed how finances would be divided and maintained.  By giving ourself 3.5 years of engagement, we learned what we needed to know about each other.  And most important, we learned that over 3.5 years we'd grown TOGETHER and not apart. 
  • edited December 2011
    I got married at 23 and people always give me the "OMG! You're that young, didn't you just get married!!" I get it DAILY! 

    To put things in perspective - I graduated college right when I turned 21- lived on my own from 17-21 at college. I was a wild child before that & did a total 180 & settled down when I turned 21 (doesn't make sense, right?). I started dating my now husband right before I turned 22 & he proposed before I turned 23 & then planned a wedding before my 24th birthday. We both knew right away that we had met the person we wanted to marry (I made a comment to my friend before we started even TALKING that I would marry him, which makes it even more weird) so we figured why wait. 

    We both have very stable & great jobs - there really wasn't any reason to wait.
  • edited December 2011

    Aww, thanks Erin and Taryn!  (Hey, that rhymes, LOL) I'm a dork!!

    I have to say I agree with Taryn too. My mom met my dad on her 18th birthday in June married the same year in November and have been married for 37 years come this November.  Every marriage requires work, just like every relationship be it friendship, bf/gf, co-workers, etc.  I will admit that I sometimes feel like I gave up too easily. It's still hard but I am a lot happier in my current relationship and it makes me feel good when my loved ones point it out to me. 


    I would love to hear stories as well.

  • edited December 2011
    FI and I are both 24 and getting married this July. We've been together for almost 8 years (high school sweethearts!). We have known for years that we would get married one day (the proposal was no surprise!), but for us it was a financial thing. We couldn't afford to move out and live on our own while we were still in school full time, so we both still live at home. Both of us have changed a lot since we were 19 or 20, but thankfully we grew in the same direction. I think that, relationship wise, we would have been fine if we had gotten married at 21, but it didn't hurt anything to wait. Heck, I still feel too young sometimes! If we had been 30 when we met, we probably would have gotten engaged within a year! It just took 8 years for us to be old enough!
  • GwenwhyfareGwenwhyfare member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I wasn't married at that age, but I was engaged at 20.

    I also agree that age really doesn't reflect how you feel on the inside, or how mature you are. I was ready to be married then, my now ex- not so much (and he was the one who proposed..). We weren't on the same page as far as things we wanted out of life. Kids, a house, secure jobs, he wanted absolutely none of that and I did.
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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks for sharing, Meghan!!

    Edit: And thanks to Jen as well. 

    I truly believe age is a number...and that there are mature 20-year-olds and very immature 30-year-olds (ahem, my BIL). 
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  • edited December 2011
    My parents were the same way.  They met when they were 16 & 18.  But, they didn't get married until they were 26 & 28...and that was only because my mom put her foot down and said either we get married or I'm gone.  They've been married for 27 years (together for 37). 

    My sister got engaged at 21.  But, she's holding off on the wedding until she finishes school.  So, she'll be at least 23 before she gets married.  However, she's been with her FI for 6 years now.

    My cousin got married at 18.  Divorced 3 years later while she was in college because she met someone else.

    A friend of mine got married at 18, and 8 year and 3 kids later they're still together and very happy.

    I think it all depends on how mature the two of you are and how hard you are willing to work.  I think it's harder when you're younger because you're still growing and changing as a person.  Once you get old you're all stubborn and stuck in your ways :)  Kinda like FI and me!!
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_question-younger-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:88Discussion:52d66416-35ec-4b99-bed1-b6dfd717fbb2Post:16bc7de3-44ef-446f-b560-9d6d25decf6c">Re: Question for the younger brides</a>:
    [QUOTE]  We moved in together about 6 mo. after getting engaged.  Which I would highly recommend to ANYONE getting married.  You've got to be able to LIVE with the person, and I'd rather not get married and then realize that we are completely incompatible in the living realm. 
    Posted by melhunny[/QUOTE]

    <div>See I took the complete opposite approach on this. My major thing was that I wanted to live alone before we got married. I had always had roommates & when I moved down to FL I lived with his parents & just thought THIS is something I HAVE to do before I get married - I will never have the chance ever again. I guess it gave me a sense of accomplishment that I could live on my own with nobody's help. </div><div>
    </div><div>Was it hard moving in together... yes and no. There were outside factors that made it really hard; H lived with his parents until we got married & his fam would constantly call him to mow the lawn or do other jobs around the house. He still had a 19 year old brother living there... I just would get so angry that they expected him to do all this work when he now had a house of his own to take care of. </div><div>
    </div><div>I think it made it easier for us to get married so quickly was that we knew each other basically our whole lives & our families were really close friends. We knew so much about each other already that there weren't any surprises. </div><div>
    </div><div>If we had started dating when we were younger & he proposed when I was 20... I dont know if I would have had the same feelings. Me at 20 was completely different than me post-college & 20 still just seems so much younger to me than 23. </div>
  • edited December 2011
    I guess my query isn't as much about maturity as goals in life, knowing yourself, etc.

    At 20 I was paying bills, had a job, etc. Pretty much responsible but as I reached about 25, my priorities changed and what I wanted out of life changed. Even some of my friends changed because some of the people I was friends with in college went in a different direction and we just have nothing in common any more.

    I guess I just wonder, as a 20-21 year old what motivates you to get married? Not sure if that makes any sense lol.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_question-younger-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:88Discussion:52d66416-35ec-4b99-bed1-b6dfd717fbb2Post:4399288b-796e-46f1-874e-a677b86f4278">Re: Question for the younger brides</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question for the younger brides : See I took the complete opposite approach on this. My major thing was that I wanted to live alone before we got married. I had always had roommates & when I moved down to FL I lived with his parents & just thought THIS is something I HAVE to do before I get married - I will never have the chance ever again. I guess it gave me a sense of accomplishment that I could live on my own with nobody's help. Posted by MeghanAshley00[/QUOTE]

    I lived on my own too, for about 2 years before FI moved in with me.  I would very much agree with you that living on your own is very important.  I had that nag in my head too that I felt I had to be out on my own and do my own thing, so I did it and it was great!

    But, I still think it's important (to me at least) to live with someone before you get married.  You have to know that both of you are willing to compromise and make changes in your lives to fit the other one in.  I think I feel like this because I watches two relationship go south because they just couldn't LIVE together.  One was messy, and one was neat and neither would change or compromise.   
  • edited December 2011
    I guess my query isn't as much about maturity as goals in life, knowing yourself, etc.

    At 20 I was paying bills, had a job, etc. Pretty much responsible but as I reached about 25, my priorities changed and what I wanted out of life changed. Even some of my friends changed because some of the people I was friends with in college went in a different direction and we just have nothing in common any more.

    I guess I just wonder, as a 20-21 year old what motivates you to get married? Not sure if that makes any sense lol

    THIS! Yup, that was pretty much where my head was at as well. Some of my friends that I had at 20, are not in my life at 28.

    I think it's kind of a "to each his own"  thing. Everyone's situation and priorities are different. Some people's motivation could be they had a kid together,some could be they just really want to start early with life as far as starting a family, some could be financial -like not coming from a family that is able to support them, so they  go off on their own, meet their mate and they support each other. Its so so many situations.

    But then, you have the one where boy meets girl, they fall in love/lust and jump right to marriage. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt'. :)
  • edited December 2011
    Yay for a good, lively thread today!!  Keep it going! :)
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  • GwenwhyfareGwenwhyfare member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Totally agree with Brandi, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

    Both sets of my grandparents were married in their early twenties and both were married over 50+years. There was even a 15 year gap between my father's parents. I think it just depends on the two people and where they're at in their lives. I was paying bills and living on my own at 18 also, so I felt like I was ready - my ex just wasn't.
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  • klreese0213klreese0213 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    i had a serious boyfriend when i was 20/21... he wanted to get married and i broke up with him. i reevaluated the relationship and although i spent a year with him i just really felt he was not the person i wanted to spent my life with. the break up was very easy for me... what if i had married him and later realized, ya know. i'd be just another statistic. and maybe that's why the divorce rate is so high... people jump into marriage way too quickly. marriage is so glorified for young love, i just don't think late teens/early 20's realize just how hard a real relationship is. (i dont mean everyone, but most).

    I met my Fi when i was 22. we've been together 4 1/2 years. i knew instantly that he was THE ONE... but even after 4 1/2 years, i know we aren't ready for marriage just yet. our relationship moved very quickly, honestly, without each of us realizing it. I would not change anything. and as badly as i want to marry him, i know we aren't ready yet. BUT when the time comes, you better believe i have everything already planned out! :) It took 4 years for him to propose.

    Also, he got married at 19. 3 kids, 9 years together they got divorced! They got married because he comes from a VERY conservative Christian family, and she got pregnant before marriage. so in his eyes (and his family's eyes) there was no other option. 

    I agree, that in order to be happy with someone else you need to know who you are. I am finding me now. as i said, we moved quickly. and if that means living alone, them maybe thats the right route for you. but i do agree that you should live together before marriage. living with your partner is HARD! i still get mad when John leaves his stinky socks in the living room! i'll even let them pile for a few days so he can SEE them. but really just ends up me being more mad and picking up 3 days worth of socks! lol.

    Know who your marrying and know yourself. If marrying "young" (late teens/early 20's) is something you insist on doing, there's nothing wrong with that.... i just knew it wasn't for me and i would strongly discourage any of my family from doing so.
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  • ms nobodyms nobody member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    i'm 25, and i think i'm too young to get married (although i'd say that at 30, too.) lol


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  • edited December 2011
    LOL...hi, Patrice!  Have missed you (and your wit) lately.
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  • edited December 2011
    I can't imagine getting married at 20/21. FI's cousin got engaged around Christmas time and his FI just turned 21. She's in school and I don't think he has a secure job. They've been together maybe 2 years. They're getting married next year and while I'm happy for them, I'm not sure why they are jumping the gun with marriage. There's so much more to live and learn when you're 20 and 21.

    I remember when I was 20 and 21. I was out partying, having a good time at Central. I was far from marriage mode. Even if I had met the right guy at that age, I would have waited until I graduated from college and got a secure job.

    I also am a believer that you should live on your own before moving in with a s/o. I lived on my own for about 5 years and really learned alot about myself. You really learn to mature and take on more responsibilites. I have a friend who moved from her parents right in with her FI. She's the most dependent person I know. Living on your own gives you a chance to explore yourself (likes and dislikes) and how to become an independent person.

    Its great that if you meet the right guy at 20/21, but that doesn't mean you HAVE to get married at that age. Live your life! I'm 26 and I know that's still young, but at this point in my life I'm happy with where I'm at and things are stable (as much as they can be in this economy).
  • weddingcourtweddingcourt member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Sorry so long...this is a "fun" family topic!

    My stepsister is getting married in August, she is 21 her fiancé is 22. They have been together since 8th grade, so I think they believe it is the next logical step. They both live with my dad and step-mom and I know they have plans to move out, but neither one has ever been on their own. I have no idea the stability of their jobs, but I know neither one has had their job for over a year as of right now. I do know they want to have kids early so they can "party" with them like his parents do, so that was a reason to get married too. That was awhile ago she told me that...I hope it changed. 

     I also think the fact that my dad and step-mom are encouraging this is a factor. They think it’s great! She has been engaged for 2 years and my step-sister wanted to hold off the wedding until she was be able to drink legally, but I believe my dad and step-mom would have been supportive even if she was to get married at 19. I do however believe these people are off their rocker, as they told me I should wait a few years to get married so my step-sister has her “spot-light” and so I can be sure I am ready. Please note: I am 27 (28 next week) have a decently stable job, own a house and have been with FI for almost 4 years/vent.

    Anyway, I agree with pp I know that I have completely changed since I was that age. FI and I actually met when I was 20 and he was 18, we dated for a year then broke up for over 3 years. Once we "reunited" I knew he was the one, but that I was too young to realize it before and to be honest I just wasn't ready. I am sure some people are ready and will have very successful marriages, but I don’t think they are the norm.

    Oh and back to the young thing. My step-sister and her FI just registered and they registered for 2 plates, 2 mugs, 2 bowl...I guess they don't think they will ever have company…  

    Edit:the knot hates my post!
  • edited December 2011
    My mum married my dad when she was 17 and they were married for over 30 years. Then again those were the days. I was still trying to figure out who I was at 20.
  • edited December 2011
    I think that it is a maturity thing as much as it is a personality thing too.  FI and I got engaged a month before my 20th birthday, I'm 21 now, and when we get married I'll be 22.  I went away and lived at college for a year (he was still here so it was a 3 hour long distance thing) and I just didn't find the "college scene" to be anything I was interested in.  Even now that I've turned 21 and I try to go visit my friends at their various colleges, I would rather be home with FI building our life together.  I feel blessed in that I have a great family that I love, friends that I've had since forever and still keep in touch with although most of them are away right now, and a wonderful FI whom I love with all my heart.  To me I guess it was just a matter of preference in my life.  Living with my friends in the dorms wasn't fun or productive to me, I felt like some kind of weird outsider that was a 30-year-old stuck in an 18-year-olds body or something.  So I moved back home when I was 19-20 and then moved in with FI after that.  And things are going great now, we're about to move out of our apartment and find a house to rent.
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  • edited December 2011
     LMAO @ this:

    Oh and back to the young thing. My step-sister and her FI just registered and they registered for 2 plates, 2 mugs, 2 bowl...I guess they don't think they will ever have company…  

    That is super hilarious!
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_question-younger-brides?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:88Discussion:52d66416-35ec-4b99-bed1-b6dfd717fbb2Post:9e8f0a08-1008-41a6-a003-cb92606b8a3f">Re: Question for the younger brides</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think that it is a maturity thing as much as it is a personality thing too.  FI and I got engaged a month before my 20th birthday, I'm 21 now, and when we get married I'll be 22.  I went away and lived at college for a year (he was still here so it was a 3 hour long distance thing) and I just didn't find the "college scene" to be anything I was interested in.  Even now that I've turned 21 and I try to go visit my friends at their various colleges, I would rather be home with FI building our life together.  I feel blessed in that I have a great family that I love, friends that I've had since forever and still keep in touch with although most of them are away right now, and a wonderful FI whom I love with all my heart.  To me I guess it was just a matter of preference in my life.  Living with my friends in the dorms wasn't fun or productive to me, I felt like some kind of weird outsider that was a 30-year-old stuck in an 18-year-olds body or something.  So I moved back home when I was 19-20 and then moved in with FI after that.  And things are going great now, we're about to move out of our apartment and find a house to rent.
    Posted by sammichele[/QUOTE]

    Yay...thanks for sharing, Sam!  I really appreciate you taking the time to type all that out. I've been reading your blog (on and off) for a while and I will say, you definitely have a maturity that not a lot of people your age have.  I wish you and FI all the happiness in the world. :)
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