Shower Dillemas

Allycat11

So I would put this on the pre-wedding parties board but I feel like I will receive more constructive criticism here.   First, I would like to start off by saying I am absolutely not asking for anyone to throw me a shower...at all.

Right when we got engaged FI's mother informed us she would be throwing a couples shower for us along with her daughter (one of my bridesmaids) and FI's 2 aunts.  Yesterday they brought up the guest list again, and every time we ask how many people they are thinking, they say to invite whomever we want. 
This is great, but my side of the guest list is at least 3 times longer (due to a larger family) and at that point we have practically another wedding.

Second dilemma, my mom doesn't like the idea of couples showers very much and feels like the men in my family wouldn't be caught dead at a a shower...my father included and apparently my brother would be too busy anyway (Even though we don't even know the shower date yet).  However, I feel it is offensive to their family to only have women from my side attend because we are pretty much dissing their traditions.  Okay, I guess that one was more of a vent But I needed to get it off my chest.

Final dilemma, I had a solution that won't quite work.  I thought about only inviting immediate family and immediate biological family (I was adopted and am close with both my adoptive and biological families now) and the members of the bridal party to the couples shower.  This makes the guest list more manageable for his family and eliminates the "plus men" issue with my extended family.  However; my mom feels her family will expect to be invited to a shower and we need to find a way to have one for them (this is where I swear I am not asking for a shower, this is more my mom's concern than mine).  No one on her side has offered to throw one, and none of my bridesmaids are related to her or even know my extended family so it doesnt make sense for them to throw one.  My aunts have thrown their daughters showers but have put the bridesmaids names as hosts (much easier for families with multiple girls).  My mom has discussed the option of throwing the shower herself but still feels like it's a big ettiquete faux pas. 

So after that mile long rant...thanks for listening by the way.... is it still a faux pas for the MOB to throw the shower?  And what else would you do in this situation? Thanks in advance for your help

Meg1036

I would not invite your entire extended family to a shower thrown by FI's family unless you are absolutely, 100% sure that your FMIL won't mind.  Even outside of that, it sounds like you don't really want all those people at the shower, so I wouldn't do it.    I think your idea of immediate family is really reasonable.  I also think that at least the men in your immediate family should suck it up and come, even if they think it is weird.  I know you can't make them come, but I think your dad should be willing to come to a few hours of an event celebrating your wedding, and I do think it would look rude if at least a few men didn't come to a couples shower, since as you noted, it sends a message of rejecting the idea if none do.  Also, I doubt a couples shower would be the same as a regular shower (i.e., girly games, etc.)  What does FMIL have planned?  That might make the men in your immediate family more comfortable.

Second, showers are not a guarantee, so I think it would be unreasonable for your aunts to be offended that they don't get invited to a shower.  Especially if they can't be bothered to throw one (want to come to a shower?  throw one!)  That said, I don't think its the big faux-pas it used to be for the mother of the bride to throw a shower.  Everyone knows a shower is about gifts, regardless of who throws it.

Finally, and this is a bit unsolicited, it sounds like your mom is worrying way too much about this (i.e., your mom thinks the men in your family won't like it, your mom thinks her family will be offended, yadda yadda).  I would try to politely tell her to back off a bit - as she is not (currently) hosting a shower, it is not her concern who is invited.

emarston1

First of all breath.  Your wedding is not until October so I'm not quite sure why you are worrying about shower stuff now since they generally don't happen until at least  a few months before the wedding.

But regardless of that, your FMIL is the one hosting the shower so she gets to dictate what type of shower it is.  If she wants a couples shower, a couples shower it is.  If your mom isn't comfortable with that, that's her problem.  If she wants something different, she can have a different shower for you but she can't dictate the other shower since she's not hosting.

As far as the guestlist is concerned, I would draft a few different guestlists (sort of like you did for the wedding.)  Must invite, Would like to invite, and Maybes.  Then bring the lists to your FMIL so she has an idea of how many people this would be and then you can discuss it for a final list.

If people don't get invited from your family that your mom wants to invite, again, your mom or someone on your side could throw one.  If not, they don't get invited.

As far as the men in your family are concerned, they should be invited since it's a couples shower.  If they don't show up, they don't show up.  You can't force a guest to come if they don't want to but at least you offered.

As far as the MOB, some people still find it gift grabby but many don't since many brides are no longer living at home when they are getting married and they are paying for their own weddings.  But if your mom isn't comfortable hosting, she shouldn't.  She could certainly work out a deal with your MOH or other BMs that they would help plan together (if they wanted) but she would pay.  Then the BMs could technically be the host without the financial burden.