Michigan-Detroit

NWR: I have a secret..please help!

Ok, hi knottie friends! As I have mentioned before, I have been neglecting the knot... the system runs so slow for me now with al the changes!!! But anyway, I really need comments, opinions, advice!


I have been holding a secret and it has been burning me up on the inside. I have cried, been sick to my stomach and have lost sleep over this secret and I just don't know what to do? Please help me, what would you do? This secret is not about me, it is about a family member of mine, not a sister or brother. I found out that one of my cousins has been sexual with another cousin. They are both the same gender and both are around 13 years of age. I am deeply disturbed and I just don't know what to do! One of the cousins told my sibling and my sibling just had to talk to me about it b/c it was so disturbing. We don't know what to do? Please give me some advice.

Re: NWR: I have a secret..please help!

  • Julz629Julz629 member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Wow.  I'm sorry to hear that you have to be in the middle of this.  Which part of this are you having the hardest time with?  Is it that they are experimenting with the same sex?  Or cousins?  I know that both can be very hard to take, but is it the fact that they're cousins that is making this so difficult?

    And why did the one cousin tell your sibling?  Did they tell them to confide in them?  Maybe seeking out help?

    Just trying to understand a little more.
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  • edited December 2011
    Wow.

    Was this a consenual thing? Do you know how long its been going on, was it a one time thing? It could be experimental, maybe they are practicing kissing or something?

    Since they are both quite young, its tough because my first instict would be to talk to the parents about it. But if you have a good relationship with them, perhaps you could talk to them and see what's going on?

    To me, it sounds like they both need some good non-judgemental guidence to help them understand the sexual feelings they are having and help them find ways to properly and safely explore those feelings. Sometimes family, especially parents, can be biased so perhaps a pastor would be a good person?

    I will be sending some prayers for you and your family - that's a tough situation. Good luck!
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  • edited December 2011

    Well I am upset one b/c they are cousins.They are also  boys. I guess I'm just confused. One of the boys is handicapped, but mentally stable.The other is a sort of distant cousin that has been away from the family for years and just returned a few years ago. I don't know what to do. I'm not judging them, but I am feeling sick about the whole thing. One of the boys confiding in my brother, I guess just to get it off of his chest, but I just don't know if I should say something to my cousin - the one who told my brother, or what?? I don't know you guys. I know that if my family found out, it would be a WORLD of DRAMA!

  • sunkissed212sunkissed212 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am so sorry that you're going through this, I'm sure it is tough, and very confusing as to what is best. I don't have much advice to give but I don't think I would say anything to the boy that confided in your brother. Even if he did so as a means to indirectly ask for help or advice, or whatever. I'm sure that he confided in your brother for a reason and if someone else comes to him he may lose trust in your brother. Obviously someone needs to talk to the boys to figure out what is going on and what they're thinking/feeling but I think that it needs to start with the 1 person that the boy confided in. Maybe he should initiate another conversation and then ask who else the boy might be comfortable talking to. You don't want to humiliate the boy by advertising that the person that he trusted enough to confide in, told someone else, who told someone else, etc. You know what I mean? That's just my opinion though. I will be thinking about you and your family.
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  • edited December 2011
    Woah thats a lot for you to take in I'm sure.

    The first thing that came to my mind was that they are young and are experimenting, and they don't feel comfortable with anyone else so they decided to stick to someone they know and feel comfortable with.  I know that sounds really creepy and weird but it happens, I had a client who's daughter was doing this with her half sister at the same age for that reason!

    At this point I don't know if I would tell the rest of the family becuase like you said it would be nuts, but maybe you and your brother could talk about how you want to handle it.  Maybe since they confided in your brother, your brother could be the one trying to get through to them.  Maybe he could ask the cousin why they're doing this and just talk to him about his feelings about it and why it happens to get a better understanding.  Then maybe have your brother gently give him some information about how it's not safe and etc etc etc...

    Good Luck!
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  • edited December 2011
    Well if it would cause them more pain than help if everyone found out then perhaps try talking to them yourself. Or if your brother is comfortable talking with them, at least the one who confided in him, maybe your brother could talk with them?

    It sounds like they need guidence. If the one confided in your brother then it seems like he is reaching out.

    I can't imagine how I would feel if this happened to me but its perfectly understandable to be upset and confused. Although oddly enough I learned this morning on the news its legal to marry your cousin in 26 US states, Canada, Mexico and Europe.
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  • Julz629Julz629 member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I agree with April that you need to work through your brother initially.  You don't want to break his trust by confronting him directly.  As uncomfortable as this may be for him, the one cousin came to him for a reason -- he must feel comfortable with him.  Your brother obviously can't fix everything, but I think he needs to convince him that this is something that might need to be addressed on a higher level. 

    I also agree with Erin that they need guidance on their sexual feelings and someone to help them understand what is and isn't OK.  Maybe your brother can help the one cousin realize that this is the case and help him find someone to talk to who can give him this guidance.

    How old is your brother?
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  • ms nobodyms nobody member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    ditto pretty much everything april said. 

    Since it sounds like they aren't first cousins, they probably feel that it is a safer, more acceptable space to experiment- which is especially critical at their age. I'd def keep it quiet, and have your brother talk to them and try to guide them from experimenting sexually with one another, or at all (since they're so young... 13 is crazy young in my mind). he went to your sibling for a reason, and it's more important (IMO) to keep that line of communication open at this point to maybe prevent more risky behavior in the future (unprotected sex, etc).
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  • edited December 2011
    thank you all for so much input. I feel a little bit better. I definitly agree with you about not wanting to break the trust between my cousin and brother. That would be terrible. My brother is upset b/c he kind of feels that the distant cousin took advantage of my handicapped cousin, so he is confused and naturally by him being a "typical" guy, he is grossed out. I tried to comfort my brother, but he is just upset about it all. I told him this has to remain between us. Hopefully m brother will be okay to open up communication with my younger cousin about this situation and they can go from there. Like I said before, the worst thing that can happen is have my family find out about this. Especially my handicapped cousins father. I'm also scared b/c if this ever gets out, and my aunt found out I knw about it, she would be so upset with me b/c her and I are VERY close. i'm going to pray about it and go from there. I thank you all for your advice. This really helped me out alot!

    thanks ladies :)
  • terbear_86terbear_86 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If the boys are 13, I doubt they are in High School yet.

    MAJOR IMPORTANT : As PP said, do NOT break the trust that has been given to your brother. Help your brother, but do not directly go to the boys. Very important that they have Somewhere they can go, especially in the future and if you break that trust, well, good luck getting it back.

    An idea: Maybe your brother could talk to a local High School guidance counselor, ask if the cousins would agree to speak to him/her as more of a prep session for high school. I suggest a high school counselor because going anywhere religious, is bound to have hard feelings for one side or the other, given the fragile balance of today's homosexuality in religion. An unbiased high school counselor has probably had experience in this sort of thing, and is paid to not judge someone who may need help. 

    Also, 13 is awfully young to be experimenting sexually. Has either boy exhibited signs of something else, such as depression or anxiety? 13 is a rough age. At least it was for me- landed myself on Prozac from 12 - 14 ( mostly better now, * shudder*) and maybe they are acting out because they feel something is not right but they don't know how to fix it. 

    I am sorry I may not be much help, but if you ever want to talk, please feel free. I am available 24/7, and I have a pretty screwed up family  :)


  • edited December 2011
    I agree with PP,I am sorry you have to be put through this.
  • edited December 2011
    thank you so much.

    I do agree that maybe setting them up with a pastor is a bit too sensitive right now. I say this b/c homosexuality is frowned upon in my religion as well as many other religions and I already know how that conversation is going to go. I want the boys to be able to open up and talk about what is going on.

    Yes, they are both in middle school, soon will be in high school.  Its going to be hard to get my cousin out to talk to someone without his parents knowing, but we will try.

    Thanks again.
  • edited December 2011
    I hope your brother is able to help them either directly or indirectly by encouraging them to get some counseling.

    Good luck with everything. Stay strong - it will work out. 
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  • terbear_86terbear_86 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You want to take him to a game, or something. I would say if you have to get him away from his parents, don't make the whole day a "downer" for him. Give him something to look forward to as well, a dinner out, or a movie, or something that he likes to do. That way, he can still tell his parents that "uncle johnny and I did this and that", and it creates only a small omittance, not an outright lie.  Plus, if he returns home sullen, moody, upset, parents will know that Uncle Johnny didn't take max to the theatre and will want to know what is up.

    I don't advocate lying, but sometimes you have to protect people, so its better, in my eyes, to not outright lie, just slightly omit something. For example : Cuz I KNOW people will bash me and disagree with me on this: When I got pg at 18, I did NOT go to my parents first. I went to a woman whom I called Aunt my whole life but is in actuality my dad's best friend. She kept my secret, she calmed me down, offered to go with me to speak to my parents, and was a major rock for me. She engineered a way to bring my parents together without letting them know what was going on, but creating a neutral environment so there was no "home-field" advantage for my parents and so that it would keep the temperature down. My parents were really happy that she was able to be a go-to person for me, when I felt that I couldn't go directly to them, and it was my PARENTS who pushed the religious and abortion issues at me.  Sometimes a small lie is necessary to protect someone.

    Sorry again for the book-- seems to be all I am good at these days.
  • edited December 2011
    thank you so much terbear. Seriously, awesome advice. And I totally agree with you. I have been in situations where I went to an aunt or god mom before my parents to help ease the situation. Thank you so much! I will follow up in the near future on what happens. From my heart..thanks.
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