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Massachusetts-Boston

invitation etiquette question

FI and I have a 2.5 year engagement.  We picked our wedding date the night we got engaged.  We had an engagement party about 3 months after we got engaged.  We went to dinner with our families and then had dessert/apps at a bigger party with friends/coworkers/extended relatives at Boston Billiard Club (we wanted to celebrate with a larger group right away since our wedding was so far off).  So a few of the people who we invited to the engagement party we aren't really close to anymore.  Some didn't come to the engagement party and others came, but that was literally the last time we've seen them.  I KNOW that etiquette says that you invite everyone who was invited to the engagement party to the wedding, but where it's been so long (over a year and a half), is it tacky if we don't invite them to the wedding?  Or even more importantly, would you be hurt or offended if you were the drifting friend in this case?  The other question is what about coworkers who came to the engagement party, and I see all the time, but aren't super close to anymore.  A few of them too, I am close to now, but I don't really see myself keeping in touch after I change jobs (most likely about 3 months after our wedding).We are working on our STDs and getting our guest list "finalized" and this has been nagging me.  We'd love to invite everyone, but because of the size of our venues, realistically we need to cut our dream guest list by about half (from 300+ to 135 MAX), and where we are already cutting relatives, I'd feel bad if we included these non-friends instead.  Any thoughts?
Yay! Finally able to update my signature :)
by Shannon Sorensen Photography
My hubby & I rock the frock.
Bio
6.12.2010

Re: invitation etiquette question

  • sunshine1084sunshine1084 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think that if you've drifted from certain people, there is no need for them to be invited to the wedding.For anyone who you're questioning, just ask yourself if your day would be the same without them there. If it would be the same without them, then they probably don't need to be there.
  • edited December 2011
    Hm, I've never heard of that rule (guests invited to engagement party must be invited to the wedding). I know when my mom was planning ours (never happened) she was going to invite all her friends, since she was the host, and they most certainly were not going to be invited to the wedding... The only rule I followed was, if we sent someone an STD, they got invited to the wedding. This includes a couple friends I've since drifted from, and my former MOH, even though we aren't even on speaking terms. I'm finding that when it comes to weddings, people understand. We were just on vacation with FI's family, and half his cousins weren't invited. I thought it was going to be all awkward, but it was fine. They all threw weddings themselves in the past couple years and know how it goes. We're also getting gifts/cards from people that we didn't invite - extended family and stuff. When we boiled down our list from 150 to 100, it was tough, so I can't imagine cutting it in half! Basically, we looked at the list and invited people who we knew would actually come (sent invites to close family who had already given us no's though). And so far, we've had very few "no" responses. It's your wedding - you invite who you want to invite :)
  • edited December 2011
    Yes, per etiquette, they SHOULD be invited.  But I'm sure they've realized that the friendships have fizzled.  I don't think it's the greatest thing not to invite them, but I don't think it's the most terrible thing either. My suggestion:  only send STDs to close family and OOT guests...not everyone needs to receive a STD.  Send invitations to the rest of the guest list later.  Who knows who you will be friends with and close to at work when the invitations need to go out?
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    Kate ~ Mommy to Matthew 3/29/07 & Kylie 12/30/08 & Chase 3/31/11
  • edited December 2011
    When FMIL *accidentally* invited some people to my shower who were on the B-list, they got moved to the A-list per etiquette. But that was only 3 months apart... so I understand your question about timing. I agree w/ PP's, I don't think it's very crucial, particularly if they're not in your close circle and it won't cause WWIII.
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  • jkeprosjkepros member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks, everyone for your thoughts.  I am sure we will figure out....we'll just have to go on a case-by-case basis (and hopefully soon, I wanna get our STDs out since about half our guest list is from out of state!)  Hopefully most people will understand if they get cut.  You all made me feel better about it!  :)
    Yay! Finally able to update my signature :)
    by Shannon Sorensen Photography
    My hubby & I rock the frock.
    Bio
    6.12.2010
  • edited December 2011
    I wouldn't feel obligated to invite them, and if I was the drifting friend I don't think I'd expect one either. If anyone brings it up you can can just say you wish you had the ability to invite everyone, but due to budget/venue size etc you had to limit it to family and close friends. I wouldn't feel obligated about co-workers either. if you don't see them outside of work, you shouldn't see them at your wedding. Its your day! invite who you want to look back on your pictures and see! :)
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