Shower drama with FMIL! (kinda long - sorry!)

ipuella

Ok so. My shower's not til the end of July, but my MOHs (I have 2) asked me to start putting together a guest list. I started, and, as I have a huuuuge family, my list alone of friends and family already comes to around 50, which already feels like too many. I asked FMIL for her list, expecting her to come back with 10 or so family members...and she sent me TWENTY-FIVE, saying "oh but I can eliminate 4 if that's too many!".  Are. You. Serious.  

She and I are close and normally have a great relationship, but she is also full of drama and has been our only source of stress throughout 9+ months so far of wedding planning. The same thing happened with the wedding guest list and ballooned our "175 tops" wedding to 228 invitations. FI's family is contributing about 1/4 of the wedding costs, which is super-generous of them, so of course we just let it happen and figured they're helping pay, nothing we can do.  

In this case however, with the shower - I feel like 

a) inviting 75 people looks ridiculously gift-grabby, which is the last thing I want!

b) out of her 25 people, I probably know/have met about 5 of them;

c) I know she mentioned to my bridesmaids that she would help contribute to the shower, but they don't know her very well and I am afraid they will be hesitant to ask her for money, which means this puts a HUUUGE burden on them.  More than anything I am concerned because they're way too nice and I know they'll never tell me if the costs are out of control, because they don't want me to stress about it. But that stresses me out more than anything! I know they don't have a place for it yet, just a date, so if I tell them there are 75pp on the list, that makes their search even more difficult.

What do you think? Should I just let the MOHs & BMs deal with it and not worry? Is there a way to suggest nicely to my FMIL that she host her own shower for their side (obviously this would be ideal but I can't exactly come out and ask her to throw me a party!)? 

Ugh. Times like this a girl just needs her mom.

october010bride

I'm in a fairly similar situation to yourself.

My sister (MOH) is planning my shower and spoke to my fmil. My fmil gave my sister a preliminary list of people (which was 15 too many) and my sister said that the space they wanted could not hold that many people. At the time though, the space was not confirmed.. just thought of.

What if they tell that fib to your fmil. Tell her that the space where the shower will likely be held can't simple hold that many people.

Also, are you sure that all of her list will attend? I know that my fmil listed OOT's who will not, under any circumstances attend my shower, but needed an invite anyways.

hth and gl!

kfay707

Would you be willing to do two separate showers - one with your family and one with your in-laws' family? That way, it's sort of the best of both worlds...you won't put the strain on your bridesmaids to pay for 25 additional people and your FMIL could have her guests at a shower that she's completely in control of. Not sure if that would work for you - just a thought. Good luck!

LoveAdopted

Could you talk with her, or have FI or a bridesmaid talk to her, and mention that you were uncomfortable having a large shower or that you want to keep it as a small gathering with the people you know the most?

jwatts23

Tough situation but I think instead of leaving it up to MOHs and BM's you should maybe step in.  I try and talk to FMIL about having a smaller list beause you are having the shower at a smaller venue and want to keep costs down for your bridal party. 

Sometimes with a big family the list does get out of control and even if you try your best to make it smaller it just doesn't happen.  Try not to stress too much and just talk to FMIL about your concerns.  Hopefully she gets it.

GL!

jay10

I would just you want to keep it small and for people you know personally.....I think its stupid to invite family that you dont even know! its your day not for strangers....
if that doesnt fly I would make it clear that you do not want to put financial pressure on your bms.....at which point it might be very clear for your FMIL to cough up the extra cash that it will cost.
In a weird way I luck out as my family do not live in the same country so my shower will jsut be a few close friends and some of FI cousins and aunts.....:)

EKobrenski

welcome to my world!  Luckily my mom is paying for the hall and the food for the shower, and my bridesmaids are planning the rest.  First off FI and I have a huge family who are mostly not OOT, so with just aunts and cousins, that is 60 people.  Then my bridesmaids and close friends and my mom's close friends who are like aunts to me brings you to like 75.  FMIL wanted to invite a bunch of friends (like 10 maybe) that I haven't met. 

I had the whole gift grubby concern, but in the end, it would be her that looked gift grubby and she knows her friends and how they will react, so my mom just invited them.  I think  my mom said we're ending up with about 78.  People will flame you for having this big of a shower, but it is not your faux pas (if it is one at all)

So I think what you need to worry about is the money situation with your bridesmaids.  I would have them go the route of saying they can't find an affordable place that is big enough, which will prompt FMIL to either pitch in or book a second shower.

Good luck!  These things are tough!

ipuella

Thanks all! I guess the bottom line is I just need to have a H2H with FMIL...wish me luck!! I would love it if she'd step up and offer to host a 2nd shower - that would solve all of the problems - but I don't really see it happening.  I just don't want to offend her as she gets SO dramatic and acts happy with me but then gives FI a guilt trip about things that bother her. Why must these things be so difficult...ugh!  Anyway - thanks for the advice, I'll keep you posted... )

noodle_oo

Commenting as a BM:  75 people is a LOT to ask your BMs to host.  We did a shower for a friend and she invited 50 people (+ the four of us BMs!) and it was so much.  We would never have thought to tell her that it was too many, but it ended up costing us so much more than we could really afford to spend.  We would never say something to bride (it is her day and we wanted her to be happy) but it was a HUGE burden and stress on us. 

i would definitely talk to FMIL and either ask her to host the shower or just tell her that it is not possible for your BMs to accomodate that many guests at the shower they are throwing.  Also,  do you have to invite people that you haven't even met?  (If they are family, I guess so, but would they really be offended?).  I think it is weird to be invited to a shower where you don't actually know the bride.

AlwaysABridesmaid...

I am going to play devils advocate here    If you have 50 people on your list, I think it seems fair that she would have 25. I struggled a little with this too and my list is pretty large now but I had to remember that this is just as much FI wedding as it is my so his family really is just as involved. The gifts you get at your shower are for both of you so it seems to make sense to me that you would both have a fairly equal amount of people attending. A 2nd shower is always an option but personally, I like the idea of our families merging, because that is also a big part of a marriage. I hope it works out for you. Guest list are BY FAR the worst part of planning a wedding!

Areden

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-boston_shower-drama-fmil-kinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:89Discussion:9729f15e-ff1c-410c-90d9-dbb3d0f010c8Post:51ec0bb8-0c01-4ae0-ad1c-e9e192aef1a4">Re: Shower drama with FMIL! (kinda long - sorry!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Would you be willing to do two separate showers - one with your family and one with your in-laws' family? That way, it's sort of the best of both worlds...you won't put the strain on your bridesmaids to pay for 25 additional people and your FMIL could have her guests at a shower that she's completely in control of. Not sure if that would work for you - just a thought. Good luck!
Posted by kfay707[/QUOTE]

I think this is your safest route!  That way your girls deal with their thing and FMIL's friends fall on her shoulders.

Starmusica

I think you need to talk to her. I agree about feeling gift grabby. I talked to my FMIL and we agreed to invite JUST FI's aunts and female FIRST cousins. All of FMIL extended family and friends are not invited to my shower.. I simply do not know them and it felt rude to ask for more gifts from them. My FMIL understood after I explained it (and we have butted heads on a lot). See if that works. 75 is really big for a shower so I understand ur concern.

LMKINSER

We are inviting just over 100 people to my shower.  In my family we invite all the women to the shower that are being invited to the wedding.  My mom is taking care of the shower so it hasn't been a problem ( the bridesmaids are a part, my mom is just the financial backer)  If the bridesmaids have a problem, or if the venue they picked doesn't hold that many.  I would ask your mother in law if she could hold a party for her family.  Stating that either the venue is to small to hold that many or you would like a small one where you could really get to meet and know your new family.