Rehearsal Dinner

maggiejeanne831

I had a question about rehearsal dinners.  My fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, but I know it makes our families (his in  particular), feel a little bad.  Since we have a limited budget, we're trying to think of ideas for the rehearsal dinner.

 I think it would be most convenient to have a cook-out at my parents as they have a nice back yard and could accomodate the extra OOT guests that would break our budget, but my fiance is concerned it would make his family (who live in California-- we're in Wisconsin) feel even more left out of everything.  We already don't have a very good relationship with his family where he doesn't communicate enough with them, and they just plain don't like me but will pretend to when they're not being passive aggressive.  I guess he thinks that having the rehearsal dinner, which is traditionally the groom's family's responsibility, on MY family's "turf" would be weird for them.

 Is that right?  Is it uncool for a RD being paid for by the bride and groom to be hosted at the bride's parents house?

LesaBear

If his parents haven't offered to host, I don't see the problem. You can still include them in different aspects of the wedding.

jasmineh7777

They aren't hosting, and they must realize that you will be having a rehearsal dinner. I think you are fine. It's not as if they offered to host a dinner, and you are turning them down.

EmmaBride2B

If you're paying for it you can have it wherever you want. I don't think it's uncool, you're trying to save money and it sounds like a good option - there's nothing wrong with that.

andyandhillary

I don't think your idea is weird at all!

maggiejeanne831

Well that's just it... his mom offered, but we KNOW they cannot afford it, just as my parents can't afford to pay for the wedding.  As such, my fiance and I have turned down both of their offers saying we wanted to do it ourself as we're more in a position to do it, and what's more to do everything without going into debt over it if we plan carefully. 

I know that hurt his mother's feelings that he refused her assistance, but part of their relationship issues is the problem he has with what he sees to be her financial irresponsibility and emotional neediness.  

So they are WILLING (though oddly begrudging, largely because they not-quite-openly dislike me), that's just not the route we want to choose.

What other ways can I/do I want to involve her when she's on the other side of the country and has been incredibly rude and disrespectful to me in the past?  The last two years of our relationship we just haven't really communicated.  The whole thing's pretty awkward and not at all ideal with his family.

EmmaBride2B

In that case if they'd offered, and you instead chose to have it at your parents house, I can see why they might be a little upset by that. It's not really your choice to decide what they can afford, you know? What you see as a favor to them, they might choose to see as a slight against them. I'm not saying that's right, but I certainly can see why they would feel that way.

jasmineh7777

Well, what was there idea for the rehearsal?
If you want to involve them, you could ask for help setting up the BBQ. If fmil is feeling needy, you could talk to your FI about having a special mother-son dance at the reception. Maybe, get them each small thank-you gifts for their love and support (even though it doesn't sound like you're getting much of that).

andyandhillary

Maybe then you could host it at a park?  Somewhere a bit more neutral? 

jasmineh7777

If his parents really want to do it, could you opt for something affordable like pizza and bowling?

EmmaBride2B

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-17?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:008a5d0b-8677-4fe5-a233-64dcd60367e8Post:5007a2ca-a813-44c4-b139-ed13ac54fab6">Re: Rehearsal Dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]If his parents really want to do it, could you opt for something affordable like pizza and bowling?
Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]

<div>Sounds like an awesome idea for a rehearsal dinner! My MIL planned ours and basically made it a second reception. It was nice, but I would have rather had something a little more low-key and relaxed like pizza/bowling the night before the wedding. It get's kinda stressful the week before anyway.</div>

Catwoman708

First of all, you don't have to include OOT guests at the RD.  Well, maybe if they're staying with you or your parents.

When people offer to help, always ask them what they have in mind, and suggest a date when you can talk about it again, to see if they're still willing and able to help.  Often, offers of help are made before really thinking things through.  A rehearsal dinner is usually pretty casual, and doesn't exactly have to be planned months in advance.

You might remind FI's parents that you would appreciate any help they want to contribute, but don't want to put a burden on them, because their time and resources might be limited as they are traveling from out of state. 

And you might tell all the parents, if they still want to help, that you might suggest you furnish the food, if they could possibly furnish the DIY work of the RD backyard BBQ at your parents house.  It will give them something to do, to feel like they contributed, but without costing them much if any money.