ADVICE NEEDED -- first wedding oops

susandstanek

ladies i need your help

My invites are out, my beautiful invites -- except oops the two little words black tie were left off, i mean they were on the proof but fell off the invite

the printer has vowed to make it right and will send at her expense a letter press note to everyone saying that the attire is black tie it would match my invites perfectly-- and worded well.  Should i go forward with this second note -- i think it is a little tacky.  Should i insist that my programs, placecards or menus be done for free instead?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Why is it a black tie event? If your venue insists on tuxedos, let the guests know - but I would spread it by word of mouth. If it's just a very formal wedding - again, spread it by word of mouth, but the invitations are supposed to convey that anyway, so I'm sure you're fine.

FutureMrsTR

I guess it depends on how important it is to you that your wedding be black tie.  I would let it go and try to get something else for free if it was really her fault and they got changed between the last time you saw the finished product and the time they were sent out.  Did you have the printer send the invites?

ac_in_dc

Does your venue require that guests be in tuxes? If not, I'd just spread via word of mouth and the web site that the wedding is black-tie optional. (make it optional at this point).

And lobby for free programs. I think it's a little weird to ask your guests in a separate note to go black tie.

Sorry about the mix-up...in the end it won't be too big of a deal though.

goheels05

Please tell me more about this black tie wedding.

SwedishChick2011

That would be beyond tacky.  Also, having a black tie dress code to a wedding is insane in my opinion.  Do you truly expect your guests to wear tuxedos and long evening gowns to your wedding.  I think it's good it got left off. 

ac_in_dc

Actually when a wedding is black tie it typically does get listed on the invite. Totally acceptable etiquette-wise.

danieliza1127

I would have been fine if the invitation said Black Tie, but a letter being sent out just sounds tacky to me. 

How important is it to you that your guests wear tuxes and formal gowns?  Like someone else said, I think at this point, I would just spread by word of mouth and on your wedding website that it's Black Tie Optional and be done with it, unless it really is that important that people get THAT dressed up.

ac_in_dc

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-first-wedding-oops?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0100fefe-3ab0-4bdb-a72f-23546dceeccfPost:a355c690-37ee-499c-b6b3-66534577b148">Re: ADVICE NEEDED -- first wedding oops</a>:
[QUOTE]That would be beyond tacky.  Also, having a black tie dress code to a wedding is insane in my opinion.  Do you truly expect your guests to wear tuxedos and long evening gowns to your wedding.  I think it's good it got left off. 
Posted by cocoreo3[/QUOTE]

IMO just because something's not your style doesn't make it insane or poor form. Black tie weddings have been going on for decades. If the poster wants to have one, that's her choice. Just like if someone wants to have a barbecue for their wedding and wear jeans it's their choice. It's not like she's asking folks to wear pink or show up in halloween costumes.

susandstanek

I do expect tuxes actually, but i dont care if people dont wear one.  That person may feel uncomfortable.  i think the note is tacky.

I dont think it is insane because i am having a very formal wedding and frankly, it is appropriate to wear a tuxedo or gown.

susandstanek

ac_in_DC thanks!

SwedishChick2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-first-wedding-oops?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0100fefe-3ab0-4bdb-a72f-23546dceeccfPost:6979c205-9c73-4f1d-9744-9bef200cb171">Re: ADVICE NEEDED -- first wedding oops</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: ADVICE NEEDED -- first wedding oops : IMO just because something's not your style doesn't make it insane or poor form. Black tie weddings have been going on for decades. If the poster wants to have one, that's her choice. Just like if someone wants to have a barbecue for their wedding and wear jeans it's their choice. It's not like she's asking folks to wear pink or show up in halloween costumes.
Posted by ac_in_dc[/QUOTE]
True, just because it's NMS doesn't mean it's not OK.  However, a lot of the time people don't even know what black tie really means - and it's not what they really want.  I guess I came across kind of harsh.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-first-wedding-oops?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0100fefe-3ab0-4bdb-a72f-23546dceeccfPost:6979c205-9c73-4f1d-9744-9bef200cb171">Re: ADVICE NEEDED -- first wedding oops</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: ADVICE NEEDED -- first wedding oops : IMO just because something's not your style doesn't make it insane or poor form. Black tie weddings have been going on for decades. If the poster wants to have one, that's her choice. Just like if someone wants to have a barbecue for their wedding and wear jeans it's their choice. It's not like she's asking folks to wear pink or show up in halloween costumes.
Posted by ac_in_dc[/QUOTE]

Yeah, totally agree with you AC.  Black tie weddings are fine, every wedding has a different level of formality.  What's rubbing me wrong is a letter going out after the fact.  I would go with word of mouth and wedding website I think.

Kati0105

IMO just because something's not your style doesn't make it insane or poor form. Black tie weddings have been going on for decades. If the poster wants to have one, that's her choice. Just like if someone wants to have a barbecue for their wedding and wear jeans it's their choice. It's not like she's asking folks to wear pink or show up in halloween costumes.

While I agree with it being her choice, I think asking guests to shell out money to rent tuxes and buy long gowns is just as obnoxious as asking them to buy pink clothes or halloween costumes.  I personally would never expect each and every one of my guests to drop $100 or more on attire for my wedding.

baby green bird

It's up to you, but after all the fuss,  I truly hope your affair is a high end everything, because that is what BT is. Very few people can pull this off and know what they are doing. So all the ladies in ultra formal dresses too?

polichik

We don't know anything about her circle, so I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that it's the norm or at least something that's not an imposition.

Assuming you're going to go forward, I'd put it on the website and mention by word of mouth. I'm not sure what your invitations looked like, but if they were pretty formal, I'm assuming most people will get the idea.

Then again, I received a heavy engraved invitation with extremely formal phrasing, and everybody wore sundresses and khakis. Hm.

danieliza1127

Kati - maybe in her crowd it's customary and the men already own tuxes and the women already own gowns.  There are people like that in the world.  I'm just sayin'.

SwedishChick2011

OK, apparently it is what the OP wants. 

Here's what I don't get though.  Anytime someone mentions dress code on here we tell them it's not okay to tell your guests what to wear.  But it's okay to put black tie on an invitation?  Unless your venue requires it, I don't really get why that's okay because you're still dictating what your guests wear.  Someone help me out here.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-first-wedding-oops?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0100fefe-3ab0-4bdb-a72f-23546dceeccfPost:379bac0f-a2d5-4e85-a06a-cfc5f0b61dcd">Re: ADVICE NEEDED -- first wedding oops</a>:
[QUOTE]  Anytime someone mentions dress code on here we tell them it's not okay to tell your guests what to wear. 
Posted by cocoreo3[/QUOTE]

Unless it's black tie or a specific requirement of the venue.

Kati0105

Here's what I don't get though.  Anytime someone mentions dress code on here we tell them it's not okay to tell your guests what to wear.  But it's okay to put black tie on an invitation?  Unless your venue requires it, I don't really get why that's okay because you're still dictating what your guests wear.  Someone help me out here.

This is what's confusing me too.

Kati - maybe in her crowd it's customary and the men already own tuxes and the women already own gowns.  There are people like that in the world.  I'm just sayin'.

If that's the case then wouldn't her guests expect her wedding to be black tie even without any note? 

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-first-wedding-oops?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0100fefe-3ab0-4bdb-a72f-23546dceeccfPost:f2c0a0b6-ede4-44e1-8275-3274a385dbb5">Re: ADVICE NEEDED -- first wedding oops</a>:
[QUOTE]While I agree with it being her choice, I think asking guests to shell out money to rent tuxes and buy long gowns is just as obnoxious as asking them to buy pink clothes or halloween costumes.  I personally would never expect each and every one of my guests to drop $100 or more on attire for my wedding.
Posted by Kati0105[/QUOTE]
That's the thing, though, maybe in her circle Black Tie weddings are the norm.  In that case she's not asking anyone to shell out for attire.  We don't know OP or her guests, so that's not a determination we can make.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-first-wedding-oops?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0100fefe-3ab0-4bdb-a72f-23546dceeccfPost:83b1e796-5204-436c-b96f-b414ca3d4d07">Re: ADVICE NEEDED -- first wedding oops</a>:
[QUOTE]If that's the case then wouldn't her guests expect her wedding to be black tie even without any note? 
Posted by Kati0105[/QUOTE]

I don't know.  I'm not in that crowd so I don't really know what is common when it comes to black tie weddings. 

ac_in_dc

Traditionally when something's black tie it goes out on the invite. You see it on sample wedding invites all the time (classy ones, too ). DH and I go to a shiit-ton of fancy dinners and whatnot in the military and the dress code is always specified on the invite.

What isn't specified is what color or style of clothing to wear. But formal, semi-formal, black-tie, are all appropriate designations. It's not usually a good idea to use "formal" and "semi formal" descriptions on a wedding invite because those designations mean something different in official old-school wedding parlance than they do in common usage today, so your guests would get confused.

goheels05

I'm just curious if she's having a top-shelf liquor, filet and lobster kind of black tie affair, or if she just randomly wants her guests to wear tuxes and formal gowns.  Because 9 times out of 10, when a bride comes on here talking about "black tie," they aren't really having a black tie wedding.  That's why i just can't give the benefit of the doubt. 

Assuming you are having a legitimate black tie wedding, then I agree--word of mouth, note on the website, negotiate some free menus or something. 

SwedishChick2011

Well, I get the venue requirement thing.  But I guess the way I'm looking at it is this - A person is not even supposed to tell their guests not to wear shorts to the wedding, which is actually almost a reasonable want (still not appropriate to dictate, I know).  However, that same person could decide to tell their guests that they have to wear tuxes and gowns.  See what I mean?

Anyway, if that's the etiquette, that's fine - I just think it's kind of a dumb rule.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-first-wedding-oops?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0100fefe-3ab0-4bdb-a72f-23546dceeccfPost:9d2cc189-0cf4-452b-8599-45b2579902f9">Re: ADVICE NEEDED -- first wedding oops</a>:
[QUOTE]Kati - maybe in her crowd it's customary and the men already own tuxes and the women already own gowns.  There are people like that in the world.  I'm just sayin'.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

Expat. (She did mention that her H and their male friends own tuxes because black tie is customary in their circle, although her wedding was simply formal-ish.)

SwedishChick2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-first-wedding-oops?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0100fefe-3ab0-4bdb-a72f-23546dceeccfPost:255d8299-04ba-4af0-8221-038d41902b8b">Re: ADVICE NEEDED -- first wedding oops</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm just curious if she's having a top-shelf liquor, filet and lobster kind of black tie affair, or if she just randomly wants her guests to wear tuxes and formal gowns.  Because 9 times out of 10, when a bride comes on here talking about "black tie," they aren't really having a black tie wedding.  That's why i just can't give the benefit of the doubt. 
Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]
This was my reasoning too but I didn't say it nearly as well.

crfische

All I know is that she has invited over 360 people. So there's that.

beatlesgirl25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-first-wedding-oops?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0100fefe-3ab0-4bdb-a72f-23546dceeccfPost:b0840ad1-5da2-4203-993f-441e288bb473">Re: ADVICE NEEDED -- first wedding oops</a>:
[QUOTE]All I know is that she has invited over 360 people. So there's that.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

Holy mother. That's a lot of penguin suits.

sucrets4

Actually, I disagree that she should get something for free and bring it up NOW.

Did she not look them over before mailing them out?  If she didn't, it's her fault.  If she noticed it then, she could have asked for them to be reprinted free of charge, but she didn't.

emilyinchile

She's on the March board, and from everything she's said (I'm there too), it sounds like a true black tie wedding. Also in this post she mentions the second note being letterpressed - that makes me think the invites were letterpressed, and that's not cheap.

From what I've learned on the boards, "black tie" is the exception to putting attire on the invites, although I agree the second card would be weird.