Thanks for everyone's thoughts

aegifford

 Thanks for everyone's thoughts

smokeybailey

Since I can't say something nice, I won't say anything at all.

baystateapple

I think your bigger problem is what your family and friends are going to think when they find out that you intended on lying to them for a year.

arbolita

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-vs-vow-renewal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:02665be1-dcdb-4854-8637-ed4f4c5d1b94Post:1f5bbecc-177c-4d6f-b999-5b53cc45643f">"Wedding" vs. Vow Renewal Party</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay -- here's the deal. My husband & I got married in June of this year. Our plan was to keep it hush-hush and have our actual wedding celebration & reception next year on the same date, so that it would really be on our first anniversary, and we wouldn't have two "anniversaries." Please spare me the negativity, because I know a lot of people don't like this idea and think it's greedy, dishonest, whatever. We chose how we wanted to do it because of financial reasons and ultimately (and most importantly) because of our love for each other. Our goal was to have the actual ceremony and everything else a year later, so that we could save up more money to have the actual event. Not that I owe anybody an explanation, but I just wanted to throw it out there. Bottom line -- I am rethinking this. Mostly because a month later, I'm already sick of continuing to call him my fiance instead of my husband. I have not yet changed my name because it would be hard to keep it a "secret," but we did inform some of our family members and close friends about our decision to elope. I don't regret it one bit, but I'm thinking maybe we should just throw in the towel and call our "wedding" celebration a vow renewal party instead. Would it still be acceptable for us to have a bridal shower, a ceremony at our place of choice (in which I wear an actual wedding dress, because I've already bought one and I AM going to wear it), a bridal party, and a normal reception, just as we would if we were getting married for the first time? I've read before that people have said brides who are already married shouldn't be entitled to a bridal shower. But, number one, I haven't yet had one. And number two, I don't plan on arranging it anyway, so if my mom or MOH wants to plan one, there should be nothing wrong with that, right? If we do decide to let everyone know that we are in fact already married, my invitations will be worded in a way to say "join us in celebrating the marriage of (our names) at a vow renewal ceremony" or something to that effect. Can I get some positive insight on this? I appreciate constructive criticism, which means I'm also willing to take the cons, but please don't put me down because of my original decision of eloping before we were able to afford an actual celebration. I've seen a lot of nasty things on here from people because of others who did it, but our decision to do things in a nontraditional manner does not make us bad or greedy people and it does not mean that we love each other any less than we would if we did things the "right way."
Posted by aegifford[/QUOTE]

No you should not get a shower. Yes you should inform people and call it a vow renewal.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-vs-vow-renewal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:02665be1-dcdb-4854-8637-ed4f4c5d1b94Post:1f5bbecc-177c-4d6f-b999-5b53cc45643f">"Wedding" vs. Vow Renewal Party</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay -- here's the deal. My husband & I got married in June of this year. Our plan was to keep it hush-hush and have our actual wedding celebration & reception next year on the same date, so that it would really be on our first anniversary, and we wouldn't have two "anniversaries." Please spare me the negativity, because I know a lot of people don't like this idea and think it's greedy, dishonest, whatever. We chose how we wanted to do it because of financial reasons and ultimately (and most importantly) because of our love for each other. Our goal was to have the actual ceremony and everything else a year later, so that we could save up more money to have the actual event. Not that I owe anybody an explanation, but I just wanted to throw it out there. Bottom line -- I am rethinking this. Mostly because a month later, I'm already sick of continuing to call him my fiance instead of my husband. I have not yet changed my name because it would be hard to keep it a "secret," but we did inform some of our family members and close friends about our decision to elope. I don't regret it one bit, but I'm thinking maybe we should just throw in the towel and call our "wedding" celebration a vow renewal party instead. Would it still be acceptable for us to have a bridal shower, a ceremony at our place of choice (in which I wear an actual wedding dress, because I've already bought one and I AM going to wear it), a bridal party, and a normal reception, just as we would if we were getting married for the first time? I've read before that people have said brides who are already married shouldn't be entitled to a bridal shower. But, number one, I haven't yet had one. And number two, I don't plan on arranging it anyway, so if my mom or MOH wants to plan one, there should be nothing wrong with that, right? If we do decide to let everyone know that we are in fact already married, my invitations will be worded in a way to say "join us in celebrating the marriage of (our names) at a vow renewal ceremony" or something to that effect. Can I get some positive insight on this? I appreciate constructive criticism, which means I'm also willing to take the cons, but please don't put me down because of my original decision of eloping before we were able to afford an actual celebration. I've seen a lot of nasty things on here from people because of others who did it, but our decision to do things in a nontraditional manner does not make us bad or greedy people and it does not mean that we love each other any less than we would if we did things the "right way."
Posted by aegifford[/QUOTE]

FutureMrsTR

I wish so hard that you had posted this a couple of hours ago.  SO hard.

Anyway, you're wrong, you know you're wrong, but you're going to do whatever the hell you want to anyway and nothing I say is going to change your mind.  So whatever.  Have fun telling your friends and family that you've been lying to them, were planning on continuing to lie to them except that it got to be a pain in the ass for you, but, oh yeah, you'd still like them to buy you a bunch of presents.  Good luck with that.

Mrs.B6302007

Why the need to keep it a secret?

andy71781

No...no...no..and ummmm no.  You got married - Congratulations!  That day is over - sorry no more pretty princess day for you.

Mrs.B6302007

validation central

it's not here

twilight.rose

You chose to elope. I don't care if it was for financial reasons or otherwise. If you wanted to have the wedding of your dreams, you should have waited until next June when you could afford it.

You made an informed decision to have an elopement...that ceremony, no matter how small or simple it was, was your wedding. If you choose to go ahead with this unfortunate decision, as PP said, it is a vow renewal, and you need to call it such.

Also, I do think wearing a wedding dress, having a wedding party, etc. at a vow renewal (particularly after only a month of marriage) is a little bit odd, so perhaps you should reconsider a couple of aspects of your renewal.

Consider this my constructive criticism, since you said you were open to that.

AdeleDazeem

oh boy..  you are married so having a wedding is no longer in the cards.  You are having a vow renewal whether you call it that or not.

The rules of said vow renewal, I'll leave up to you, but I know what the opinions are of the people on this board.

No shower.  No bachelorette party.

Mrs.B6302007

To answer the question about the shower: no, you don't get one.  You chose to get married without including other people so you gave up the pre-wedding parties.  If you're going to do a vow renewal and have a reception, people will probably bring a little something but sorry, no shower for you.

banana468

It's one thing to do things differently but it's another to lie about it.

That's just not cool no matter how you slice it.  It can make a ton of sense to do things as you need to for financial reasons.  It doesn't make sense to lie to people about it.

Call it your vow renewal or marriage blessing.  Wear the dress and enjoy the day.

Personally I'd turn down the shower since you're already married and I wouldn't register since you're already married.  But if someone throws you a shower, enjoy it.

I also wouldn't have a bridal party either.   

Have a big vow renewal and throw a great party - but don't lie about what your'e doing and turn it into something that it isn't.

andy71781

So....my favorite part is that OP eloped (and lied about it) because "of our love for each other"

aegifford

I don't even care about the gifts -- that's the thing. I don't plan on throwing myself a bridal shower. But, if someone chooses to throw me a bridal shower, that's out of my hands. What, let that person throw it and people come, but me not show up? My family and friends that already know about the situation are very understanding of this. I've gotten positive reactions from everyone who knows thus far. And quite honestly, if my friends and family cannot respect our choice to do things the way we did, then they don't belong at any celebration that we choose, whether we call it a wedding, vow renewal, or even a cookout in my back yard.

marisah83

Your friends and family may not be happy with the fact that you kept it a secret, BUT I don't think that because you eloped you can't celebrate.  If you want to wear a dress at your vow renewal and have a big party, go for it.  I'll probably get bashed for telling you to do so, but I DON'T CARE.    I'm not going to judge you for eloping, because I don't know the details and it isn't my place to criticize.  If there are people who are angry, they don't have to come.  But I'm sure most of your friends and family will support you no matter what and will be happy to celebrate with you.  Etiquette-wise, no, you really shouldn't have a shower, but if people are going to give you gifts at the wedding, then they are going to give you gifts.  I, for one, hope you have a great time. 

emarston1

Nothing like lying to all of your friends and family.  Real classy.

Also, people will find out.  They always do and it will not be pretty.  Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't marriage licenses a matter of public record?  And how are you going to find an officient to go along with this scheme.  He is going to want to see a marriage license and OOPS! you can't get another one.

Stop being selfish and wanting gifts.  You gave up your opportunity to have showers/wedding when you eloped.  Be an adult and accept the consequences of your actions.

aegifford

Once again -- it's not about the gifts. Trust me.. if I wasn't interested in gifts, I'd save the money of having the entire celebration and just buy the things I want. It'd be a lot cheaper for me, I'm sure. -.-

Anyway -- I'm also not lying to anyone. I just merely didn't tell everyone. There's a difference. I understand that might not exactly sound right to all of you, but you also don't know the perspectives of our families.

emilyinchile

Step 1: Get out of the lying asap and start doing damage control for the people you've already lied to. I'm glad you realized that continuing to lie to everyone for a year and then invite them to a fake event wasn't the best choice, even if it's only because you're sick of not getting to tell everyone he's your husband.

Step 2: Have a vow renewal with a fancy party and fancy dress - sounds just fine to me. The shower sounds less fine because no, you are not a bride, you're a married woman, and last I checked people don't usually throw married woman showers. I know you're saying "but someone will plan one!" but I really think that you should just tell anyone who offers that while you appreciate the gesture, since you're already married you'd feel uncomfortable with one. That response isn't out of your hands, and it's the classy thing to do.

aegifford

Sorry, that should have read "If I was interested."

And dare I even say -- I've searched up and down online... no record of my marriage. Did it out of state.

twilight.rose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-vs-vow-renewal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:02665be1-dcdb-4854-8637-ed4f4c5d1b94Post:63aa7cfd-39ec-4c45-b4cc-9ad99982127c">Re: "Wedding" vs. Vow Renewal Party</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't even care about the gifts -- that's the thing. I don't plan on throwing myself a bridal shower. But, if someone chooses to throw me a bridal shower, that's out of my hands. What, let that person throw it and people come, but me not show up? My family and friends that already know about the situation are very understanding of this. I've gotten positive reactions from everyone who knows thus far. And quite honestly, if my friends and family cannot respect our choice to do things the way we did, then they don't belong at any celebration that we choose, whether we call it a wedding, vow renewal, or even a cookout in my back yard.
Posted by aegifford[/QUOTE]

It's not out of your hands if someone wants to throw you a shower...you are perfectly allowed to decline showers. Say something to the effect of "Thank you for your generous offer, but I don't feel right having a shower since I'm already married" and leave it at that.

Also, your friends and family are not required to respect the fact that you lied to them. If you had eloped, sent wedding announcement to them, and been honest about it, I could see your point. Nobody is saying they don't respect your decision to have a private ceremony; they're telling you that people won't respect your choice to lie about said ceremony.

ogrady88

Well, I'm going to throw my opinion into the ring.
I don't think a bridal shower or a bachelorette party would be appropriate, but why not have you "wedding".  FI and I thought about doing this same thing, he is going back to school and it would be great if we didn't have to pay the extra money for his crappy student insurance and could just add him to my insurance through work.  Essentially we were going to go down to city hall and file the paper work, in many ways I wouldn't consider it getting married...we are legally consider married by the state, but what does that mean, aside from some changes to our taxes and he can now be included on my paperwork.  We ultimately didn't do it, we are both very close with our parents and siblings and decided we couldn't do it without them.  I've also been to several outdoor weddings where they had a small private ceremony in the afternoon or the day before and then had their "wedding" in front of friends and extended family prior to the reception...I didn't even know this happened at most of them until I saw the photos after.  I didn't care that I didn't see their "real" vow exchange, I didn't feel duped, I love those couples and know that they did what worked for them.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-vs-vow-renewal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:02665be1-dcdb-4854-8637-ed4f4c5d1b94Post:63aa7cfd-39ec-4c45-b4cc-9ad99982127c">Re: "Wedding" vs. Vow Renewal Party</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't even care about the gifts -- that's the thing. I don't plan on throwing myself a bridal shower. But, if someone chooses to throw me a bridal shower, that's out of my hands. What, let that person throw it and people come, but me not show up? My family and friends that already know about the situation are very understanding of this. I've gotten positive reactions from everyone who knows thus far. And quite honestly,<strong> if my friends and family cannot respect our choice to do things the way we did, then they don't belong at any celebration that we choose, whether we call it a wedding, vow renewal, or even a cookout in my back yard.</strong>
Posted by aegifford[/QUOTE]


Well, you can say, "Thank you so much but I just can't accept the offer of a shower."  If they insist then sure you should show up.  But if you can talk them out of it you really are obligated to do so.

Beyond that, the point in bold is a very defensive and somewhat juvenile way of justifying your actions.  If people don't like that you lied to them and didn't include them in the wedding then they don't belong at any celebration of it?  Be prepared that many people who do love you may be quite hurt that you didn't include them in the exchange of vows. 

Yes, you're perfectly allowed to do things that you want as a grown adult. However as an adult, you also need to take responsibility for your actions and that also means understanding that by lying to your guests, you really did something that was wrong.  By not including them in the wedding ceremony, you did decide that they didn't get to witness a large part of your life.  That's your own choice to be private but often people feel that it doesn't really make sense to say, "We exchanged vows in private because we wanted an intimate moment," followed by the next sentence of "And we're throwing a full scale vow renewal with me in a bridal gown next year."

You may not think that it seems like you're tying to "have your cake and eat it too" but please understand that others may feel that way.  And they may be hurt by it.  And the attitude of "Well don't come then," isn't going to help.

qwerty777

I won't address the actual situation, because I would just be saying what everyone else has said so far. However, by not changing your name right away, you may have just made it that much harder on yourself. The laws vary from state to state, but since you didn't change it immediately after the marriage, you may have to go to court and pay for a legal name change, and it may be harder to change it with all the necessary companies as well. You might want to look into this ASAP just in case you still have time to do it without consequences.

Mrs.B6302007

Withholding information is a lie of omission.
At least that's what my pastor always preached.

twilight.rose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-vs-vow-renewal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:02665be1-dcdb-4854-8637-ed4f4c5d1b94Post:fcefdef6-8f4e-433f-99c5-cfa4087bee48">Re: "Wedding" vs. Vow Renewal Party</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, that should have read "If I was interested." And dare I even say -- I've searched up and down online... no record of my marriage. :) Did it out of state.
Posted by aegifford[/QUOTE]
Oh good lord...sorry I'm posting twice in a row. I was typing my previous response while you posted this.

Sweetie, public records are available nationwide. It doesn't matter what state you got married in. All anyone would need to do is call the department of records in the county you were married in (regardless of state) and they could discover your marriage.

smokeybailey

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-vs-vow-renewal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:02665be1-dcdb-4854-8637-ed4f4c5d1b94Post:c6365d0d-1780-4c39-83bf-527ea688a8ef">Re: "Wedding" vs. Vow Renewal Party</a>:
[QUOTE]Once again -- it's not about the gifts. Trust me.. if I wasn't interested in gifts, I'd save the money of having the entire celebration and just buy the things I want. It'd be a lot cheaper for me, I'm sure. -.- Anyway -- I<strong>'m also not lying to anyone. I just merely didn't tell everyone.</strong> There's a difference. I understand that might not exactly sound right to all of you, but you also don't know the perspectives of our families.
Posted by aegifford[/QUOTE]

I can't stay away.  You ARE lying.  In your OP, you said you still call your husband your fiance.  Uh, that's a lie.  Dude, own up to eloping and then tell all your friends and family that you are going to throw a huge party on your first anniversary.

No showers, no weddings, no BP, just throw a fantastic party.  You will probably get gifts, which is fine. But cut out the lie and put it all out there.

kate51485

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-vs-vow-renewal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:02665be1-dcdb-4854-8637-ed4f4c5d1b94Post:c6365d0d-1780-4c39-83bf-527ea688a8ef">Re: "Wedding" vs. Vow Renewal Party</a>:
[QUOTE]Once again -- it's not about the gifts. Trust me.. if I wasn't interested in gifts, I'd save the money of having the entire celebration and just buy the things I want. It'd be a lot cheaper for me, I'm sure. -.- Anyway -- I'm also not lying to anyone. I just merely didn't tell everyone. There's a difference. I understand that might not exactly sound right to all of you, but you also don't know the perspectives of our families.
Posted by aegifford[/QUOTE]

Just "merely not telling anyone" about one of the most important days in your life is just as bad, if not worse, than any lie you could tell about it.

Why don't you enlighten us to these "perspectives" of your families...I'm sure they're truly unique and totally rationalize your behavior, right?

emarston1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-vs-vow-renewal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:02665be1-dcdb-4854-8637-ed4f4c5d1b94Post:fcefdef6-8f4e-433f-99c5-cfa4087bee48">Re: "Wedding" vs. Vow Renewal Party</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, that should have read "If I was interested." And dare I even say -- I've searched up and down online... no record of my marriage. :) Did it out of state.
Posted by aegifford[/QUOTE]
Well aren't you special.  You still won't be able to find an officient to go along with it.  They generally frown upon basing your marriage on a bed of lies.

Also, if you didn't feel you could tell your family you got married, why do you feel the need to have a party with them and have them watch you get married the second time?  So they weren't good enough the first time but now things are all better?

banana468

[QUOTE]Anyway -- I'm also not lying to anyone. I just merely didn't tell everyone. There's a difference. I understand that might not exactly sound right to all of you, but you also don't know the perspectives of our families.[/QUOTE]

I missed that part.

Yes you did indeed lie.  It's a lie of omission.  You witheld information from your families and that is absolutely a lie.

emarston1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-vs-vow-renewal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:02665be1-dcdb-4854-8637-ed4f4c5d1b94Post:c6365d0d-1780-4c39-83bf-527ea688a8ef">Re: "Wedding" vs. Vow Renewal Party</a>:
[QUOTE]Anyway -- I'm also not lying to anyone. I just merely didn't tell everyone. There's a difference. I understand that might not exactly sound right to all of you, but you also don't know the perspectives of our families.
Posted by aegifford[/QUOTE]
Based on your logic:  If your husband cheats on you but doesn't tell you about it, it's not considered a lie?  Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?