Venue Too Small...Guest List Etiquette??

randiekay215

Hey all,
 Long story short my venue that I have booked is going to end up being too small to accomodate all of our guests on our list right now. Just inviting family from both sides (cousins, great aunts, etc) we are at 182. Like I said, thats not including close family friends, church family, etc. Our venue is gorgeous and within my budget, but now that I look at our guest list it looks like it will be almost impossible to invite everyone. Family is very important to me, and not so much my FI. Do we not invite some of his extended family if he wants to sacrifice that for me? I guess what Im getting at is what is the proper way to handle this situation? Can I invite main family and friends and do another "reception" at my home church and invite extended family? HELP PLEASE!!!

baystateapple

The big question is, have you sent out save-the-dates already?

georgia_bride09

You should have booked your venue BASED on your guest list size.

Either find a new venue or cut the guest list. If your FI doesn't mind you unfairly cutting his side down because you didn't plan very well, then I guess go that route.

twilight.rose

Ditto georgia.

Though particularly if STDs have gone out, you'll need to find a location that can accommodate 100% of your invitees. You must send invitations to everyone who received an STD.

randiekay215

I have not sent out my STDs yet.
We are still trying to scale the guest list down right now but are having a hard time in doing so. We booked the venue based on our size: we aimed for 150. BUT now FIs mom has pulled out the "family phone book" and added about 35 more names, which has kicked out a lot of close friends and coworkers.
I guess what Im asking is how do I go about including people in our wedding fun (showers, engagement party, etc) without inviting them to the wedding? I know this is HORRIBLE etiquette but I just dont know what to do and Im hoping some people here may understand my situation.

georgia_bride09

If you're paying, then your FI needs to tell his mom that she can't invite anybody else, and since nobody has been officially invited, take them off the list. If not, that's her call.

Also, if they're not invited to the wedding, they're not invited to pre-wedding parties.

randiekay215

FI and I are paying for EVERYTHING on our own so eventually we get the final say. I guess what Ill do is go through the list and cut out the more distant relatives that we dont really see that often. There are certain coworkers and church friends that Id rather have there instead, but my mom told me that it would be rude not to invite family....Tough call.

quotequeen

Just because his mom wants to invite those people doesn't mean you have to do it.  FI needs to decide whether he actually cares about those people being there.  If your friends are more important, he needs to tell his mom no.

I guess what Im asking is how do I go about including people in our wedding fun (showers, engagement party, etc) without inviting them to the wedding?

You don't.  You can't invite people to pre-wedding parties who are not invited to the wedding.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

You have to do what you have to do. People understand that weddings come with space and money constraints. Don't invite people to pre-wedding parties or a second "reception." They don't want to celebrate with you THAT badly and if they do, they'll invite you to dinner after the wedding. They'll understand that not everyone can be invited.

baystateapple

If you haven't sent out your STDs, you can still cut the list drastically.

Have FI tell FMIL "Mom, sorry, but we can't afford all of these extra guests."  Then sit down with him and hash out the list.  Cut out seconds cousins, coworkers, etc. if need be.

randiekay215

Thanks for the suggestions guys. Looks like Ill be sitting down tonight and doing some "revisions".

Kristin789

>>I guess what Im asking is how do I go about including people in our wedding fun (showers, engagement party, etc) without inviting them to the wedding?
>>You don't.  You can't invite people to pre-wedding parties who are not invited to the wedding.


Ditto this.

Beachy730

If you and FI are paying for everything for the wedding, then the parents guest lists are "wish-lists" of people they would like invited.  What you can do is ask them to rank their list of who is most important to be there.  Do what you can to accomodate that, but also keep in mind who you want invited.  I wouldn't want to take off close friends for someone who isn't paying for anything to add people I've never met. 

And no, nobody is invited to any pre-wedding events that isn't invited to the wedding.  The only way it is acceptable to do that is when people at work throw you a shower at the office or whatever.

randiekay215

Thanks guys. I really appreciate the input. This weekend is going to be dedicated to redoing the guest list! Like it or not....

catemeg

Take the list, divide it into 3 sections - bride's family & their guests, groom's family and their guests, and friends of the bride & groom.

Figure out how many people you can allot for each - if the venue allows 150, then you can do 50/50/50 or you can do 60/60/30.  Neither family should get more or less invites (at least not significantly).  Your FMIL's family phone book is not going to work here - make a clear cut rule that if you or your FI haven't spoken to this person in over a year, chances are they're not going to make the cut (unless there's some particular reason you want to make an exception).  Widdle the lists down as much as you and FI can (perhaps highlighting the people he really wants to come), then pass his family's list to FMIL and tell her, "We can invite 50 (or 60) people from this list and no more.  Please tell us which people should receive invites."  Do the same with your family.  Then you and FI sit down and widdle down the friends to the correct amount.

There's no reason your friends should be cut because Great Uncle Stan who hasn't seen your FI since he was in diapers is in FMIL's phone book.

randiekay215

Thats a great idea catemeg! I will definitely be using this over the weekend...