Etiquette dilemma...

[Deleted User]

I've always felt the way of wedding etiquette as "it's your wedding, you pay for it unless someone offers to help". I've saved up and was recently blessed with money to make our wedding happen just after we got engaged. I told my fiance from the beginning, I WILL NOT ask ANYONE for help paying.
This past week, my fiance's parents sat us down and said they would like to chip in or pay for the whole thing. My FMIL specifically said, "we'll pay for the whole thing if need be, but we really think you need to ask your dad to help out a little too. Maybe he can put in money and we'll match what he pays? Or if he truely can't, we're willing to pay for everything, we just don't want you spending that money on the wedding, save it for a rainy day or future down payment on a house."
I told her I don't feel comfortable asking my dad as I feel it's my responsibility to pay, to which she responded with "well, he's your dad, technically, he's supposed to pay for the wedding anyway!"
So now I feel kind of obligated to ask my dad, or turn down having my wedding paid for and being able to save my money... dilemma... any advice would be great!

JessAndTrav

Your instinct is right. You shouldn't ask him for the money, but I think it's great that your FILs are offering!

Loopyseven

I would not ask your dad for anything.   It's great that your FIL's are offering.  Would they be willing to split the costs with you and your FI instead of splitting with your dad?  This way they don't pick up the whole tab, and you still get to keep some of your savings for other stuff?

becky659

That's kind of awkward... I think it's really kind of presumptuous of her to suggest that your dad pay for anything. 

I would politely decline her contribution if she presses the issue of him matching/contributing.  I wouldn't want it to cause any awkwardness between all the parents.

Simply Fated

Wow, that was rude and very outdated of her to say that you should ask your dad to pay because he should be paying. I think you should turn down her offer to pay and ignore her comments. Actually, I think you should tell her to pull her ass out if 1955 and your family won't be paying a dowry. Ya know, if you want to start trouble. ;

rsaleh84

Wow...that is so tacky!  Who offers to help with stipulations like that?!  I'm in a similiar boat as you..my parents are barely getting by from month to month, so of course I am not asking for any help nor do I want them to worry about it.  My FILs have offered to help some, but we did not ask for the help, they offered, which was very sweet of them.  I think if I were put in your shoes, I would probably try to clarify WHY my parents or father would not be able to, and as other PP have said, suggest splitting the cost with you and your FI, rather than with your parents. 

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:03a472c6-d714-4b10-b42a-5070607b87c4Post:cbcecf10-f216-437d-b6d1-7ccd4e6ffe43">Re: Etiquette dilemma...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Wow...that is so tacky!  Who offers to help with stipulations like that?! </strong> I'm in a similiar boat as you..my parents are barely getting by from month to month, so of course I am not asking for any help nor do I want them to worry about it.  My FILs have offered to help some, but we did not ask for the help, they offered, which was very sweet of them.  I think if I were put in your shoes, I would probably try to clarify WHY my parents or father would not be able to, and as other PP have said, suggest splitting the cost with you and your FI, rather than with your parents. 
Posted by rsaleh84[/QUOTE]

<div>Offering money with string attached is not a generous offer in my opinion.  They can either choose to split with you and your FI and you and your FI and pay yourselves.  Stick to your guns.</div>

Kate61487

I would sit her down WITH your FI and tell her that you've considered her offer but you will not, under any circumstance, be asking your father for money.  Tell her that if she still wants to help with the wedding you're very grateful, but you've saved up and are prepared to pay yourselves.

willywally5

To me, there is a vibe here that this money will come with strings attached. I think it'd be wise to steer clear of it. 

TheBaney

PP's have it covered. Your dad is not technically supposed to pay for the wedding. Nobody is supposed to pay for the wedding except for those getting married. I definitely wouldn't try to explain to them why your dad isn't contributing, it's none of their business. If they want to help financially, it shouldn't be on a tit for tat basis.

If they're already stipulating circumstances surrounding financial contributions, just think about what they're going to do once you've taken the check.

hoffse

Yeah... I agree with PPs about money and strings.  Even if they pay a small chunk of it, you may not have the wedding you want because they then have the right to take over, at least somewhat.  Honestly to me that depends on your outlook on weddings - some brides just care that they get married, somehow - others want control over every little aspect.  

My FILs paid for FBIL's wedding.  Both the bride and groom were relatively young, and it was clear that they wouldn't get married anytime soon if one of the sets of parents didn't step in to help.  FSIL's parents couldnt, so FBIL's parents did.  It was a lovely event - it was very very tasteful - but I KNOW that FSIL wasn't entirely satisfied because it was basically FMIL's vision and not hers.  It also caused drama when FSIL wanted certain kinds of things and not other kinds of things - they've been married for nearly 3 years, and both sides still occassionally biiitch about it.

My parents are paying for ours as a gift to us - I'm an only child, and they are very able to help.  We're very lucky to have that, and I've had to adjust my expectations about certain things.  But I'm also very close to them both and am able to have candid conversations with them about pretty much everything.  Ultimately, FI and I are really getting what we want.  FI's parents insist on paying for the rehearsal - I think largely because they know that if FI and I paid for it, we wouldn't invite all the long-lost relatives and they really want them there.  That's fine.  But so far, they've apparently done a lot of work for it and haven't talked to us about it at all.  We don't even know which venues they've looked into (but we know they've been looking for months).  I'm ok with that - its the rehearsal and not the wedding - but I would not have been ok if that's what happened with the wedding itself.  Honestly, if you can afford to pay for it without their help, I probably wouldn't take them up on it unless you have a relationship where you can be candid with your inlaws and not generate any resentment.  I just think few people have that sort of relationship.

mbrischoux

I just think it's pretty gross that your FMIL had the audacity to tell you to ask you folks for money.  That's just...I don't have words (and I ALWAYS have words!).

[Deleted User]

Thank you everyone, I'm glad I wasn't the only one to find that rude and odd... I need to sit with FI and figure out where to go from here because I am NOT going to be asking my dad for $