Bored Fiance! :-( Help!!

sep72fendr

My Fi is not at all enthusiastic about planning and everytime I ask him if he wants to go over stuff, I get a sigh and then a very slow and drug out "oookay". We have only been engaged for a month!! How can I get him more involved with stuff without feeling like I am causing him pain and suffering to do it? I can't plan this wedding alone (well, I mean I could) but I would love some of his input on things such as choosing a venue for the ceremony and reception which needs to be done in the next month or so if we want any chance of getting some place good that we both like. HELP!!
-Sarah

lannerjarv

if he doesn't want to be involved, and has no interest in it.. HE'S NORMAL.
planning is such a girl thing.. on the rare occasion guys get interested, but most do not.
don't force him to be involved.  I'm sure you have lots of family/friends that would gladly help you if you really need it.

laurenclaire1386

If he honestly doesn't care where you get married, or what food you serve, or details like that, then I'd just leave him be. Remind him that it's his wedding too, and he'll have to stand in the venue, eat the food, cut the cake, etc. If he truly doesn't care about any of that, then start making decisions on your own. If he's got the option to give his input, but has no interest in it, then I'd just leave him out of it. Or, find one aspect that he's really interested in, and assign it to him.

JessAndTrav

HALP!!!!!

It's normal. Don't sweat it. Find something that he won't mind doing, like finding the getaway car.

DH did that part and he went with me to meet the DJ because he loves music.

Other than that, he was watching sports or something.

Get a few friends that you like to spend an afternoon with and they can help you.

danieliza1127

Join the club!  Most guys aren't interested, and that's okay.  When I was planning, I asked my H what he wanted to have choices in and he told me 1) no pink, 2) he wanted to help pick the food and the music.  Other than that, he really didn't care.  I did all of the planning, he never even saw our venue until two weeks before the wedding.  When I made our wedding invitations, I went over the design with him and he gave his input but I did them all myself.  I picked our flowers and colors and everything.  I would usually just try to catch him in a good mood or at a time when HE brought up the wedding, and then I would just ask him a bunch of questions that I'd been saving up or tell him ideas I'd been working on and that worked well for us.

betrothed123

My H took care of the music because that's all he cared about.  If he doesn't care he doesn't care.  There's nothing you can do to make him care.  If you try to force him to help you out he's just going to drag his feet the whole time (at least my H is like that), which will make it even less fun for you.

What you can do is sit down and talk to him.  Ask him what parts of the wedding he cares about, and have him do those things.

hayleymajayley

My FI wanted to pick out his suit, and taste cake. That was all. Sometimes I'll just send him an email with a picture of 2 different vases and ask what he likes better. One quick question at a time. I've never sat down with him to go over things, I'm pretty sure he would hate it. They're guys, that's how they are. They just want to get married. The rest is up to us!

temerityjane

Whenever I'm booking something or deciding something, I basically just run it by Buddy, like "you ok with this?" If it's something that really matters to him, he speaks up. If he's indifferent, he doesn't.

The wedding as a WHOLE does matter to him, but there are very few details that he feels are specifically important. We stumble on them here and there. It's not surprising - there are details I don't really care about either. Like flowers - eh, whatever whatever is fine by me. Just like you have certain things that you really want to be a certain way, he does too. Just probably not as many as you. You'll find them.

lannerjarv

yeah mark was all about the food, cake and for some reason fussy about the invites. lol.

beatlesgirl25

Sorry, but chances are you're going to get the *sigh* or indifference from your FI. In general, guys aren't excited about planning weddings. One of the things that can help is figuring out a planning aspect that he is interested in (i.e., food, cake, music), and let him brainstorm with you on that, call vendors, do tastings with you, etc. This will be more manageable than including him in every little detail, especially when you're still in the beginning stages of planning, so I'm sure a lot of it is just talking and talking about the wedding.

So the talking... try to have at least one day a week where you don't talk about the wedding. At all. Talking about it all the time is a surefire way to burn him (and you) out on the whole planning thing. Good luck!

Stackeye210

DH picked the colors........and basically everything after that I would pick a style or gather an idea and ask for his yes or no input.  I didn't make him go through the process of wandering through stores, or helping to stuff envelopes, or make favors. 

He was very involved for some things (food, music, car and photographer) and didn't care about anything but the final product of others. 

FutureMrsTR

Ditto what everyone else said.  Plus, since you've only been engaged a month, depending on when you're wedding he, he may feel like you don't need to be hard core planning yet.  We're 8 months out and most of the time my FI just says, "We can worry about that when it gets closer". 

You may need to gently explain why you need to do certain things now and make sure he knows if he says, "I don't care" that you're going to take him at his word and make your own decisions.

JessAndTrav

I agree with whoever said he does care about the wedding as a whole, just not the details.

DH just wanted to get married, he didn't really care about the logistics. It wasn't until I had already had the invitations and programs printed that it dawned on me to even run it by him to see that he liked them, because at that point, he'd always say, "If you like it, I like it."

Most men know that the wedding details are usually left to the bride because it's usually her thing. If I would have left the details to DH, we would have had footballs for centerpieces and notebook paper for invites.

JK10910

What I did was sit down with my FI and say, "Ok, what things do you care about want to help with?"  Those were things like venues, photog, music, food.  Then I asked him what did he not care about at all, and those were things like decor, invites, flowers, etc.  So for the big things that he cares about, I do the research, narrow things down a little and then show him three or four choices, instead of saying "here's the computer, there's google, get to work".

ac_in_dc

Yeah, most guys don't care too much about wedding details. Just make sure to run the big decisions by him before pulling the trigger on anything big.

And if you're feeling overwhelmed and need help give him specific tasks. My DH didn't do much until about 2 months before the wedding, but then he totally stepped up and did as much or more than I did to take care of last minute details. Very much appreciated.

SarahPLiz

YOu aren't getting married for over a year. He probably thought he had some time to relax between the engagement and the wedding planning. Its hard to be excited for 15 months, and I bet you experience some burnout as well.
Once you get your venue, just come here and look for ideas. No need to make any other decisions for like 6 months...

ScarletGem

The things my H got most involved in were choosing the venues (after I did the leg work to pick out options, then we went with our parents to visit the top choices and make the decision) and writing the ceremony.  And for a few things where I couldn't make up my mind, I'd give him 2 or 3 options and he would pick.  Other than that, he just liked me running the final decisions past him, so he could comment on things before they were finalized. 

Nebb

I actually just saw a casting call for a new show - rich groom poor groom, a show "for dynamic grooms". I will be shocked if they find enough guys to do an entire season of that show.

Just plan the wedding yourself. Its just easier if you do that rather than continuing to get his help, you will just get frustrated and disappointed.

beatlesgirl25

One thing that worked for H and I was for him to do a lot of the negotiations with vendors re: price and contracts. Since he wasn't emotionally invested in the little details of the services we were getting, he wasn't easily swayed by cutesy extras (like I would have been) and therefore was in a better position to haggle with our vendors. I gave him the specs of what we had decided to spend on and he did the dirty work. It worked out well.

squirrly

FI is picky.  And he has an opinion on everything.  I showed him design on invites as I went along, and once he was cool with it, I designed all the other papergoods to match, and he's fine with that.  He's compiling a list of music, he did the second draft of our ceremony, and he vetoed one crafty project.  But, mostly I pick stuff, narrow down to a limited number of choices that I like, and either let him pick between them, or something similar.  If I ask him for help it's on very specific topics and he's pretty good at doing so since I don't ask much of him.

sarah0725

What I generally do is spend most of the wedding planning by myself researching different options and narrowing down what I like, and then I go to FI with a few options and see what he likes. I know he doesn't care about a lot of the little details, like colors, flowers, decor, etc., and my mind keeps changing on those anyway, but he's been involved in the big stuff like choosing venues and making the guest list. When it comes to choosing a venue, you might want to do a lot of the legwork yourself and get it down to a few big choices, then enlist FI to take a day with you to visit the places. It might seem more real to him when he's actually sitting down with vendors.

One other thing to be prepared for: I've seen a lot of women on here posting that suddenly, two months before the wedding, their FI suddenly realizes he's getting married and wants to review and change everything that has already been decided. I'm fully expecting this to happen with my FI, and you may experience something like that.

beatlesgirl25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bored-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:03c6f04d-8d2e-4670-b74f-43208aa2b490Post:3e6856b1-e24f-4987-ad38-3be26bebb679">Re: Bored Fiance! :-( Help!!</a>:
[QUOTE] One other thing to be prepared for: I've seen a lot of women on here posting that suddenly, two months before the wedding, their FI suddenly realizes he's getting married and wants to review and change everything that has already been decided. I'm fully expecting this to happen with my FI, and you may experience something like that.
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]

YES, what is up with this? It's such a paying attention at the last minute guy mentality thing. H did this a month out, and suddenly realized he that our wedding was "cookie-cutter" and didn't represent him or me. But he didn't have any suggestions as to how to make this less so or even to describe why he thought that. It was infuriating to hear at that time. Finally we were able to throw in some unique touches that he facilitated, and he felt more a part of the planning. I don't know why guys do this. Maybe it's because they don't stress over the planning until right before the wedding when we have been doing it for months and months, then they come in all guns ablazin' when things are already set. So OP, I'd be prepared for the possibility of that too down the line. It will all work out.

tenofcups4me

Wow, I don't think it's "normal" for a man to be completely uninterested in the day he's committing to spend the rest of his life with someone AND what's most likely the most expensive party he's ever going to throw in his life.

Lots of generalizations here about these poor helpless clueless men. I guess some of them do exist (as evidenced by this thread), but there are also a lot of men who are interested and involved in their own lives.

The first question I would aks if if your FH often does not want to discuss things or is it particular to the wedding? The second is if he's aware of the timeframe that things need to be done in, because that is kind of shocking (it's hard to wrap your head around booking a venue a year in advance if you haven't gone through it with someone else or done some research).

Other than that, I'm sure I'd be having a conversation about how it's OUR wedding and I hope WE can work on it together. If there's a detail like invitations that he's not interested in, fine, but I personally would have had a really hard time if someone didn't even have an interest in the ceremony and reception venue.

beatlesgirl25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bored-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:03c6f04d-8d2e-4670-b74f-43208aa2b490Post:45f4c646-ab1e-4a36-9f85-44d76d18f8e7">Re: Bored Fiance! :-( Help!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, I don't think it's "normal" for a man to be completely uninterested in the day he's committing to spend the rest of his life with someone AND what's most likely the most expensive party he's ever going to throw in his life. Lots of generalizations here about these poor helpless clueless men. I guess some of them do exist (as evidenced by this thread), but there are also a lot of men who are interested and involved in their own lives. The first question I would aks if if your FH often does not want to discuss things or is it particular to the wedding? The second is if he's aware of the timeframe that things need to be done in, because that is kind of shocking (it's hard to wrap your head around booking a venue a year in advance if you haven't gone through it with someone else or done some research). Other than that, I'm sure I'd be having a conversation about how it's OUR wedding and I hope WE can work on it together. If there's a detail like invitations that he's not interested in, fine, but I personally would have had a really hard time if someone didn't even have an interest in the ceremony and reception venue.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

What you say makes sense, idealistically, but it seems like the majority of ladies who posted here experience the same phenomenon of male indifference/acceptance toward wedding planning. Or at the very least, guys not being as interested in frou-frou wedding details. I admit I did generalize in my posts about the guys, but I don't think it's inaccurate for many FI/H's either. And I don't think it's a direct indicator of how much they are/n't interested in or care about their own lives. It's a wedding, not an advanced directive.

anna.oskar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bored-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:03c6f04d-8d2e-4670-b74f-43208aa2b490Post:45f4c646-ab1e-4a36-9f85-44d76d18f8e7">Re: Bored Fiance! :-( Help!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, I don't think it's "normal" for a man to be completely uninterested in the day he's committing to spend the rest of his life with someone AND what's most likely the most expensive party he's ever going to throw in his life. Lots of generalizations here about these poor helpless clueless men.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

They aren't disinterested in the day, it's the details that they couldn't care less about.  My DH requested, "no girly colors, lame dance songs or stuck-up food".  beyond that, he was 100% confident that I could plan something that he would love.

tenofcups4me

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bored-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:03c6f04d-8d2e-4670-b74f-43208aa2b490Post:c724406f-9296-4ee5-a33f-032e553ae6f2">Re: Bored Fiance! :-( Help!!</a>:
[QUOTE] And I don't think it's a direct indicator of how much they are/n't interested in or care about their own lives. Posted by beatlesgirl25[/QUOTE]

I'm actually really curious about that. I don't know if it's an indicator or not. But I DO wonder if these men who aren't interested in their weddings are the same ones who can't be bothered to write a thank you note after the wedding or are among the multitudes who don't ever do their share of housework later. Honestly, I don't know -- my guess is that there's a connection, but I don't know the answer.

sarah0725

Ten, I agree with you in a lot of points, especially that it's a potential red flag if a guy doesn't even want to look at venues, but I still think that a certain amount of generalization can be done. It may be because I'm a girl, or it may be because I'm a grad student used to doing lots of research, but I'm much less likely to get overwhelmed looking at lots of wedding options than FI is. I care about things like style and etiquette, and FI is less aware. I spend a lot of my free time on the internet hanging out on the Knot and absorbing info about the wedding world, and FI mostly looks at porn and web comics. He's interested in wedding stuff if I ask him in the right ways about it, but it's up to me to figure out what those ways are. And I would never show him a bunch of pictures of bridal bouquets and ask him which one he liked best.

I don't know what you would call it, but for some reason we seem to be conforming at least somewhat to traditional gender roles when it comes to wedding planning. We can argue until we're blue in the face about why that is, but still, it is what it is.

sep72fendr

I've tried talking with him about being an active planner vs. being a passive planner and I think he gets it. It's still just really hard when I'm all excited about planning (what should be) the most important day of our lives, and all I get is an "eh, it's okay". I really don't think he has this whole timeline thing figured out. He doesn't get it unless I look him square in the eye and punch every single point at which he gets upset because he says I'm treating him like a child.  Is a little bit of enthusiasm (fake, forced, or real) so much to ask for?

I told him if he hasn't liked any of my choices for venues that he should start looking at some on his own and that way HE can see how stressful it is to find a nice venue that is in our budget that we would both like. I work evenings and he works days, so it's not like he can't putz around through all the wedding literature, advertisements and stuff when I'm at work. I don't bring up wedding stuff to much with him because he sees that as the only thing I do when I'm at home, look through wedding stuff, on theknot.com, researching.

Just a little bit of appreciation, understanding, and enthusiasm. That's it. (sorry for the vent!)

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bored-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:03c6f04d-8d2e-4670-b74f-43208aa2b490Post:40488c4f-9237-4adb-adc8-0c3cb8c49f13">Re: Bored Fiance! :-( Help!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bored Fiance! :-( Help!! : I'm actually really curious about that. I don't know if it's an indicator or not. <strong>But I DO wonder if these men who aren't interested in their weddings are the same ones who can't be bothered to write a thank you note after the wedding or are among the multitudes who don't ever do their share of housework later.</strong> Honestly, I don't know -- my guess is that there's a connection, but I don't know the answer.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]
My H cared about 3 wedding details: the colors, the food, and the music.  I planned the rest of the wedding.  That doens't mean he didn't care about the wedding, because he did.  He just didn't give a flying fluck about the details.

He wrote all of the Thank You cards for his side of the guest list, and he does his fair share of the housework, if not more.  I'm not sure where you're seeing a connection at all.

You know what's really shocking?  I didn't give a flying fluck about the wedding details either.  I still cared about marrying my H, and I still wrote my own Thank Yous and do my own fair share of the housework.

sarabellam

tenofcups, you've got yourself a nice thesis or dissertation research topic for a women's studies degree. My (then)FI wasn't the least bit interested in flowers or bridesmaids dresses, but he did all of the music, decided (with my input) the menu (since he was going to be doing most of the cooking, it seemed right), helped decide cake flavors, and had definite opinions on what should be included in the ceremony. Yet in the 16 months since we have been married, I can count on my phalanges (with no repeats) the number of times he has done laundry without prompting, vacuumed without being asked, etc.

beatlesgirl25

Okay, can I change my answer to sarah's? She said it much better than I did. Tenofcups, I don't think we can find a reliable correlation between a FI's interest in wedding planning and how considerate he is in everyday life and relationships. There are so many reasons for an imbalanced interest in the planning IMO.

In H's case, he didn't jump into the wedding planning because he wanted to elope, and that meant the most to him to just marry me, but then we decided to have a wedding so he was like, "fine, whatever you want for your day is fine. It'll be fun, but we both know you're more into this than I am. I just want to get married." In all other aspects of our life we share decision-making and he is very invested in balancing the household. So I feel, in our case, his attitude toward planning our party was unrelated to the dynamic of our relationship.