Legally married, but still planning a wedding... no one knows

amberisthecolor

Okay.. so I don't really know where to post this, and I'm sure I'll get slammed for it... but here it goes.

I am already legally married, but am planning a small wedding and reception with close family and friends in the Fall. We went to the JOP a little over a year ago so that my "FI" could get on my health insurance. We were already engaged and just decided to do the legal thing a little early to benefit us financially [and it definitely has benefited us!].

Believe it or not, it was actually great to get married at the JOP. It was intimate with just the two of us. And it was only about us. It wasn't about anyone else. It wasn't about the party or the decorations or the family or anything other than the two of us being together on that day. We didn't have to worry about anything else. It was a perfect day, and I wouldn't change a thing! but, we still want the party with our friends and family [and are  going to have one].

I know that many people would think it is "unfair" or some bullshit for us to still have a ceremony and reception with family and friends if we are already married. Though I don't see why, what is wrong with having an intimate ceremony with just the two of us and then a ceremony and party with our friends and family? btw, "FI" and I are paying for most of the small wedding we are planning.

Anyhow, we have not told anyone that we are legally married. Not our parents. Not our siblings. Not our best friends. The ceremony and reception with friends and family is still very important to us, and we dont' want anyone to treat the day any less special just because we went to the JOP beforehand.

so the question?

Should we tell friends and family, at any point, that we legally wed before the wedding? The issue could come after the ceremony when we don't need anyone to sign our marriage license... I'm worried that my mom will ask about it. or someone will for sure. My "FI" is convinced that we can just tell them "Oh, that's taken care of" and that no one will question us further. But I dont' think so. Personally, I don't think anyone in my family would care too deeply that I was already legally married. My mom might berate me a little for not telling her.. but for the most part, I think people would think that it was funny... and totally like us. But "FI" thinks that we should never tell anyone. I don't think that will be possible...

kikibaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legally-married-but-still-planning-wedding-one-knows?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:03d40cb9-fca0-46af-aeb1-2227fcf1a926Post:5edfc52c-9534-46d7-b99d-074a2e221cb9">Legally married, but still planning a wedding... no one knows</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay.. so I don't really know where to post this, and I'm sure I'll get slammed for it... but here it goes. I am already legally married, but am planning a small wedding and reception with close family and friends in the Fall. We went to the JOP a little over a year ago so that my "FI" could get on my health insurance. We were already engaged and just decided to do the legal thing a little early to benefit us financially [and it definitely has benefited us!]. Believe it or not, it was actually great to get married at the JOP. It was intimate with just the two of us. And it was only about us. It wasn't about anyone else. It wasn't about the party or the decorations or the family or anything other than the two of us being together on that day. We didn't have to worry about anything else. It was a perfect day, and I wouldn't change a thing! but, we still want the party with our friends and family [and are  going to have one]. I know that many people would think it is "unfair" or some bullshit for us to still have a ceremony and reception with family and friends if we are already married. Though I don't see why, what is wrong with having an intimate ceremony with just the two of us and then a ceremony and party with our friends and family? btw, "FI" and I are paying for most of the small wedding we are planning. Anyhow, we have not told anyone that we are legally married. Not our parents. Not our siblings. Not our best friends. The ceremony and reception with friends and family is still very important to us, and we dont' want anyone to treat the day any less special just because we went to the JOP beforehand. so the question? <strong>Should we tell friends and family, at any point, that we legally wed before the wedding?</strong> The issue could come after the ceremony when we don't need anyone to sign our marriage license... I'm worried that my mom will ask about it. or someone will for sure. My "FI" is convinced that we can just tell them "Oh, that's taken care of" and that no one will question us further. But I dont' think so. Personally, I don't think anyone in my family would care too deeply that I was already legally married. My mom might berate me a little for not telling her.. but for the most part, I think people would think that it was funny... and totally like us. But "FI" thinks that we should never tell anyone. I don't think that will be possible...
Posted by amberisthecolor[/QUOTE]

Yes, or else you are lying to them (not that you care, because um... you've already been lying for a year).  Oh, and it's not a wedding, it's a vow renewal. 

kimheartsscott

Not a wedding.  And if you just loved JOPing so much, why don't you own up to it and have that be considered your wedding?  You know, since it was.

microkelly

Sorry but I don't think you can call it a wedding. You can have a reception and maybe do some vow renewals but you only get one wedding.  I'd be pissed if I was invited and found out. For the record I have major health issues and could have saved a ton of money on insurance by getting married earlier (FI and I have been dating 7 years) but I didn't because you only get one wedding and it meant more to me to get that wedding then save $$. I really think you're going to ruffel some feathers either way in this situation so why not just have the reception. We all make choices and if you needed the insurance thats what you had to do but it's not a reason to have 2 weddings.

eastunder1

I can't get it up for this topic anymore.   I just don't care.  

sweetviolet

Yes, you need to tell them, sooner rather than later. And don't be surprised when people don't think it's quite as funny as you think they will. You two have been lying FOR OVER A YEAR to everyone who loves you about something rather important - there WILL be hurt feelings and people WILL be upset. If my brother/sister/best friend lied to me for that long about being married, I'd be pissed. I'd end up forgiving that person for it because I love them, but there's no way I would think it was funny. I certainly hope that you show your loved ones a lot more remorse over your dishonesty than what you've conveyed in your post.

There's another person on this board (I don't remember which one, but I'm sure someone else does) who was the MOH of a friend who got married secretly and found out about it just before the "wedding." She also did not think that her friend's lies were funny. I hope that someone posts the link to her story on here (or she shares it with you directly) so you can read the perspective of someone on the other end of this type of lie.

JessAndTrav

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legally-married-but-still-planning-wedding-one-knows?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:03d40cb9-fca0-46af-aeb1-2227fcf1a926Post:1647c1bf-e96e-443e-98d1-297ba1bc23d9">Re: Legally married, but still planning a wedding... no one knows</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't get it up for this topic anymore.   I just don't care.  
Posted by eastunder1[/QUOTE]

I didn't even read past the first paragraph.

SparrowSong

So you just plan to have no one you care about ever know when your anniversary actually is? They'll throw you a surprise 10th anniversary party in Sep '20 when really it will have been your 11th anniversary a number of months ago? I mean, you just plan to lie about this forever?

If you want to have a big party, have a party. But you opted out of having a wedding with all the gift hoopla and etc over a year ago when you eloped. I can not imagine wearing a big white dress and accepting wedding presents from people I've been deceiving all that time with a straight face. I just can't.

AmoroAgain

So, you want to be termed a liar forever and ever?  You know, this is the kind of lie that, no matter how well you bury it, is going to come out at some point and people are going to be PISSED.  If you got married for good reasons, people accept that.  But people DO NOT accept being lied to.  How is this difficult for people to understand?  Do you like being lied to?  No?  Then why would you expect all of your friends and family to like it either?  That's just stupid.

ricksang

Meh.

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legally-married-but-still-planning-wedding-one-knows?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:03d40cb9-fca0-46af-aeb1-2227fcf1a926Post:5c0fec66-28b3-40d2-9b80-88dac0a9cfd5">Re: Legally married, but still planning a wedding... no one knows</a>:
[QUOTE]Meh.
<p>Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>Indeed! </p><p> </p><p>And in other news: How are you, dear Ricks?</p>

stillundecided4

Maybe, just maybe, you could have pulled off the "wedding" if it was within a few weeks of your JOP wedding. But over a year later? Not so much. That is a vow renewal, not a wedding. And I would also be pissed if  found out that you were lying and I would talk about you behind your back for lying about it. What do you really have to hide? Why can't you tell people you're legally married?

scoetto

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legally-married-but-still-planning-wedding-one-knows?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:03d40cb9-fca0-46af-aeb1-2227fcf1a926Post:5edfc52c-9534-46d7-b99d-074a2e221cb9">Legally married, but still planning a wedding... no one knows</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay.. so I don't really know where to post this, and I'm sure I'll get slammed for it... but here it goes. I am already legally married, but am planning a small wedding and reception with close family and friends in the Fall. <strong>We went to the JOP a little over a year ago so that my "FI" could get on my health insurance.</strong> We were already engaged and just decided to do the legal thing a little early to benefit us financially [and it definitely has benefited us!]. Believe it or not, it was actually great to get married at the JOP. It was intimate with just the two of us. And it was only about us. It wasn't about anyone else. It wasn't about the party or the decorations or the family or anything other than the two of us being together on that day. We didn't have to worry about anything else. It was a perfect day, and I wouldn't change a thing! but, we still want the party with our friends and family [and are  going to have one]. I know that many people would think it is "unfair" or some bullshit for us to still have a ceremony and reception with family and friends if we are already married. Though I don't see why, what is wrong with having an intimate ceremony with just the two of us and then a ceremony and party with our friends and family? btw, "FI" and I are paying for most of the small wedding we are planning. <strong>Anyhow, we have not told anyone that we are legally married. Not our parents. Not our siblings. Not our best friends. </strong>The ceremony and reception with friends and family is still very important to us, and we dont' want anyone to treat the day any less special just because we went to the JOP beforehand. so the question? <strong>Should we tell friends and family, at any point, that we legally wed before the wedding? </strong>The issue could come after the ceremony when we don't need anyone to sign our marriage license... I'm worried that my mom will ask about it. or someone will for sure. My "FI" is convinced that we can just tell them "Oh, that's taken care of" and that no one will question us further. But I dont' think so. Personally, I don't think anyone in my family would care too deeply that I was already legally married. My mom might berate me a little for not telling her.. but for the most part, I think people would think that it was funny... and totally like us. But "FI" thinks that we should never tell anyone. I don't think that will be possible...
Posted by amberisthecolor[/QUOTE]


You were legally married over a year ago. This new ceremony would be a vow renewal. There is nothing wrong with having one. But yes, you need to tell your friends and family you were already married. It may not be a big deal to you, but it is a big deal to them. Get ready.

ETA: J & I had a JOP wedding for health reasons. We had a vow renewal with our family and friends 11 mos later when he was slightly better. There is nothing wrong with that.

Starmusica

Honestly I don't know what to say... but I will give it a shot. Its great you and FI are happy but look at it from your family's point of view. Its like you lied and now you want gifts. By not telling anyone they are going to treat you as a newlywed and give gifts as a newlywed. Thats pretty underhanded. You don't get to have your cake and eat it to. Just think.. when you are up there PRETENDING to get married... youwill have to remember you are lying to all these people you love!

I am not bashing you.. but you have to think about this! Its really unfair to all the people that support you.

sarabellam

When your families find out, and they WILL find out, be prepared for a shitstorm of hurt feelings. My sister and her husband JOP'd it for immigration reasons and had a vow renewal/convalidation ceremony and reception a year later. I was very hurt I couldn't be at the JOP to witness them get married, and they didn't lie about it. Have the vow renewal and reception, but DON'T lie to those whom you invite.

LesPaul

Here we go again.  You can't have a wedding because you are already married.  Your wedding was the ceremony at which you became married at the JOP.  You can have a vow renewal if you so choose - that's fine.  The part that isn't fine is the lying.  And to answer OP's original question, yes, you should tell everyone that you have been lying to them for over a year.  The truth will come out eventually, and your family and friends will be hurt and angry.  You feel you had a valid reason for the deception - tell them.

ETA:  He isn't your "FI".  He is your husband.

[Deleted User]

I just could not imagine getting married and not telling my family about it. That would crush them. You need to tell them that you are already married now.

sarah0725

Ugh. Why do you care so much about celebrating with your family and friends when you obviously don't give a crap about their feelings?

kd.joseph

Just to clarify he's not your "FI" he is your "Husband"."Quotations" doesn't make it any less true. That's all I got. I just got up,need my coffee first.

WildRumpus

Have fun with that

lizr7313

    I actually just went to a wedding last weekend for one of my high school friends - she had the church ceremony, reception, whole nine yards.  We found out a few days later that they got married in Vegas last year for his military benefits.  I mostly just wish that we had been aware of the situation before the wedding.

laurenclaire1386

If you're so gosh darned happy with your JOP ceremnoy, why the eff are you planning another ceremony? Gifts? I'd be willing to bet that's it. I didn't even read the rest of this thread, just the OP. And it makes my skin crawl. This JOP for benefits, big party later trend makes me wanna blow my brains out. It's ridiculously selfish.

baystateapple

What Laurenclaire and everyone else said.

I had a 'friend' do this a few years ago (I've told this story before).  I found out the night before her "wedding" that she and her husband JOP'd it a year before.  I was furious.  It hurts EVERYONE when you lie. 

Tell the truth, and stop with the "wedding" and "FI" bullshit.  It's not your wedding, it's a vow renewal, and he's not your FI, he's your HUSBAND.

JMN2010

Your family will be hurt - probably more than you realize. My sister did something similar and then lied about it for several months. In fact, she never even told me - I found out on MySpace. Good times. And we were actually very close. But it hurt - a lot. So tell them (and tell them soon) because it will be better coming from you instead of their finding out from someone else.

Moneypenny424

You were happy with the JOP ceremony--and that is your wedding. 

Tell everyone you're married, suffer the consequences, have a vow renewal and call it a day.

temerityjane

The word isn't "unfair." No one is ever going to say, "Hey, that girl got more weddings than me! That's not fair!"

The word is actually "selfish." As in, "Hey, that girl disregarded the feelings of everyone who loves her for her own ends, and continued to do so for a year, and now plans to take advantage of the loving nature of her family and friends to have a special day for herself! That sure is selfish!"

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legally-married-but-still-planning-wedding-one-knows?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:03d40cb9-fca0-46af-aeb1-2227fcf1a926Post:8b150631-e504-44d1-9908-932d9e216112">Re: Legally married, but still planning a wedding... no one knows</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're so gosh darned happy with your JOP ceremnoy, why the eff are you planning another ceremony?
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

That's my question to. 

To answer YOUR question though, if you're worried about people finding out when you don't sign the marriage license, just go ahead and sign it and have your witnesses sign it, then just don't file it with the Clerk's office. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legally-married-but-still-planning-wedding-one-knows?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:03d40cb9-fca0-46af-aeb1-2227fcf1a926Post:5edfc52c-9534-46d7-b99d-074a2e221cb9">Legally married, but still planning a wedding... no one knows</a>:
[QUOTE] Believe it or not, it was actually great to get married at the JOP. It was intimate with just the two of us. And it was only about us. It wasn't about anyone else. It wasn't about the party or the decorations or the family or anything other than the two of us being together on that day. We didn't have to worry about anything else. It was a perfect day, and I wouldn't change a thing!
Posted by amberisthecolor[/QUOTE]
if you really felt this way, you wouldn't be planning a farce. liar.

brookelynpaisley

I'm with the girls who are over this whole thing. You're going to do it anyway, and not tell your families because we just clued you in to the fact that they'll be upset. Enjoy your vow renewal (which you'll continue to wrongly call a wedding) gift grab.

boogerbearoriginal

I don't know how things are done where you live/are getting married, but when you apply for the license, the clerk's office is supposed to check whether you're already married. So there's a good chance their won't be a marriage license for you to sign at your fake wedding.

Logistics aside, I don't think anyone will giggle or find it funny if they find out after, Oh that Amberisthecolor & Mr. - aren't they adorable for lying to us.

Its not cool to lie to the people who care about you.

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_legally-married-but-still-planning-wedding-one-knows?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:03d40cb9-fca0-46af-aeb1-2227fcf1a926Post:be3fd665-32c8-47b0-89e5-3c76f0704459">Re: Legally married, but still planning a wedding... no one knows</a>:
[QUOTE]Logistics aside, I don't think anyone will giggle or find it funny if they find out after, Oh that Amberisthecolor & Mr. - aren't they adorable for lying to us. Its not cool to lie to the people who care about you.
Posted by Booger+Bear[/QUOTE]

This.