Invitation Etiquette

Betsyk2000

My fiancée has been married before and had a 450 person reception. Needless to say, he doesnt want to go through that again, and that is my worst nightmare, so we decided on immediate family only. The problem is We have friends and work associates who want to see the ceremony. We have informally told our closest friends that we are only having family at the reception, and they are all fine with that and understand. So my question is: do we formally invite our friends and colleagues to the ceremony, with them already knowing the reception is only family, or do we just casually let people know that the ceremony is at such and such time and place, if they are interested in coming.

I've heard some pretty strong opinions about how inviting people to the ceremony and not the reception is in poor form, but if we have already been upfront about it, does it really matter. And by the way, we are asking that no one gives us gifts/money. This is just about seeing us get married.

Meegles4

I'd stay away from this. Inviting people to one but not the other is poor form, even if you're upfront about it. I think it could also make for possible confusion and headaches the day of.

If you truly want an intimate wedding, you shouldn't have extra people at the ceremony. When people express an interest you firmly and continuously state: "We are having a private wedding with our family." Don't give them details on where/when and definitely don't issue invitations. It just muddies the waters, even if you are clear on the fact that the reception is family only and they're supposedly fine with that.

H's best man is getting married this weekend. He and his FI are having an immediate family only wedding. MANY of their friends are sad about their decision and wish they could celebrate with them. Even their families have given them a hard time about keeping things intimate. But it's what they want and they're sticking by it. And the rest of us just have to get over our disappointment and be happy for them that they're getting married and doing it their way.

You can't have it both ways (intimate reception, big ceremony). If you want intimate, you get intimate for everything, not just some of the things. 

gurrlballa10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitation-etiquette-20?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:043b0854-2dea-4f70-bb1b-9f68440d0d28Post:450a7572-bdf2-4de1-b935-b361a6d1dd53">Re: Invitation Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd stay away from this. Inviting people to one but not the other is poor form, even if you're upfront about it. I think it could also make for possible confusion and headaches the day of. If you truly want an intimate wedding, you shouldn't have extra people at the ceremony. When people express an interest you firmly and continuously state: "We are having a private wedding with our family." Don't give them details on where/when and definitely don't issue invitations. It just muddies the waters, even if you are clear on the fact that the reception is family only and they're supposedly fine with that. H's best man is getting married this weekend. He and his FI are having an immediate family only wedding. MANY of their friends are sad about their decision and wish they could celebrate with them. Even their families have given them a hard time about keeping things intimate. But it's what they want and they're sticking by it. And the rest of us just have to get over our disappointment and be happy for them that they're getting married and doing it their way. You can't have it both ways (intimate reception, big ceremony). If you want intimate, you get intimate for everything, not just some of the things. 
Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE]

ITA

Also, I don't know if you planned on it or not, but DO NOT put no gifts/money anywhere on anything.  It's rude to assume.

Betsyk2000

I'm really surprised by everyone's reactions. This year, I've been invited to 2 wedding ceremonies, but not the receptions, and I didn't see it as a big deal. In this day and age, people have limited budgets and I understand that. I was told no gifts for these weddings, and again I thought that was fine. I wanted to see these people get married, and that's all that mattered. Not whether or not I got fed afterwards.

Meegles4

Your friends went against proper etiquette.

In some regions, members of a church are invited to weddings in that church. The ceremony is announced in the church bulletin and members are invited to attend, knowing that it's ceremony-only a reception invitation isn't part of it. That's the only instance where this works, IMO.

I don't understand why you want an intimate wedding, but are fine with having a larger ceremony. If you truly want intimate, it means you don't want a lot of people IN GENERAL. So why have more people come to the ceremony?

And you can have a limited budget and still have guests besides immediate family at your wedding (both ceremony & reception). People do it on here all the time.

Betsyk2000

No, I think it's acceptable. I was asking about how to invite people to the ceremony, verbally or with an invitation.

Betsyk2000

Yes, my ceremony is in the church, and most of my friends attend the church as well. So, that's what I wanted to know: how to invite them to the ceremony. Now I know it's acceptable to place an announcement in the bulletin, that's what I will do. Thank you!

Meegles4

And we're answering you: you don't invite them, verbally OR with an invitation. You just skip it.

ETA: Is your church one that typically runs their wedding schedule in the bulletin? If not, I'd think putting an announcement in there would be weird. Again, if this is a practice your church is known for doing and is commonly understood, then it makes sense and I'd think the church would handle publicizing their upcoming wedding schedule, not the brides.

Peledreamsofrain

I personally would be super uncomfortable with having someone verbally tell me to come to their ceremony, but stay away from their reception. 

It's awkward, and makes me question their motives/ the value of our relationship.  Do they think I have a drinking problem?  Are they ashamed of their relationship with me, and want to hide our friendship from their family?  Do they hate how I dance and think I'll embarrass them?  Why am I being excluded so blatantly?  I'm not even worth the paper of an invitation?  Wow.

Betsyk2000

Tthe wedding is in the middle of the week and the reception is just a family dinner- no drinking, no dancing, no cake cutting. We are eating and that's it. That's how I chose to have it.

Betsyk2000

I am serving refreshments and appetizers after the ceremony, before I leave for photos. I can't stop people from coming to the ceremony. They know the deal with the reception, but they still want to come to the ceremony. All I wanted to know is if they still get an invitation. Now I know. Thanks for all your info and input.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitation-etiquette-20?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:043b0854-2dea-4f70-bb1b-9f68440d0d28Post:4930721d-9e0f-4163-83de-22e745aa3f7d">Invitation Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiancée has been married before and had a 450 person reception. Needless to say, he doesnt want to go through that again, and that is my worst nightmare, so we decided on immediate family only. <strong>The problem is We have friends and work associates who want to see the ceremony</strong>. We have informally told our closest friends that we are only having family at the reception, and they are all fine with that and understand. So my question is: do we formally invite our friends and colleagues to the ceremony, with them already knowing the reception is only family, or do we just casually let people know that the ceremony is at such and such time and place, if they are interested in coming. I've heard some pretty strong opinions about how inviting people to the ceremony and not the reception is in poor form, but if we have already been upfront about it, does it really matter. And by the way, we are asking that no one gives us gifts/money. This is just about seeing us get married.
Posted by Betsyk2000[/QUOTE]

Honestly? Most people are being polite by saying, "I'd love to see that!" If they aren't invited, they really won't care. If they're invited to the ceremony but not the reception, they'll wonder what the heck is up with that. If you give them details of the ceremony without a formal invitation, they'll smile and nod and then find something else to do that day. I promise.

I'm not saying this to be mean. I'm just saying that unless you are William and Kate, no one is really "honored" to be able to witness your wedding ceremony only. No one cares about your wedding as much as you.