Wedding Etiquette Forum

XP From local:WWYD? Long.

So I just got a FB message from one of my BMs today. 
Basically she was giving me permission to kick her out of my wedding. She said that I "left her in the dark" about my wedding planning. Honestly she knows about as much as any of my BMs do. One went with me to my inviations and another went dress shopping and to the fitting with me. 
So..that's 2 out of my 4 bridesmaids and two events out of all my wedding planning that they have been involved in. 
They all know the same basic stuff (Colors,venue...etc). 

She somehow got the impression I didn't want her there. She came to the BM dress shopping and asked to try on long dresses (she knew I wanted short, so yes I was annoyed TBH) and at the bridesmaids dress thing I asked her to come to the fitting! She said she would, but that was the day of her housewarming party and I guess she was too busy. 

I sent her an "I'm going to try to make it to your party but no promises" text on Friday and I'm just now hearing ANYTHING from her. 
I haven't replied to her because I think she's way off base and I don't even know what to say to her. 
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Re: XP From local:WWYD? Long.

  • Is she hurt because you're going to your dress fitting instead of her housewarming party? Or am I reading that wrong? I'm distracted because I'm trying to catch up on Once Upon a Time while knotting lol n
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  • I would maybe just have an honest conversation with her and let her know that you are not trying to force her out, that you are just a hands on bride that likes to handle things on her own. I guess if she really wants to help maybe you could give her some crappy stuff you don't want to do liek prepare invites, ect
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-localwwyd-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:05385ff5-174e-4cb3-93b3-9214d03d7466Post:077c615c-3a21-4c7d-a3aa-bb33801c3627">Re: XP From local:WWYD? Long.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would maybe just have an honest conversation with her and let her know that you are not trying to force her out, that you are just a hands on bride that likes to handle things on her own. <strong>I guess if she really wants to help maybe you could give her some crappy stuff you don't want to do liek prepare invites, ect
    </strong>Posted by mollyehren[/QUOTE]
    She actually asked about this at the bridesmaids dress shopping and I told her I would let them know when we could do it. Except that I don't have invites yet since we just bought a house I figured it would be better to do it there because it has more room than the apt.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-localwwyd-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:05385ff5-174e-4cb3-93b3-9214d03d7466Post:1ee52c34-31dc-4886-976a-de712c544e2c">Re: XP From local:WWYD? Long.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP From local:WWYD? Long. : Jealous :-)
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
    It's been a hassle that's for sure. :)
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  • I mean, it sounds like she wants to be really involved in the wedding, and I would totally let her, even if you're having to make up stuff. Like, have her over one night to discuss flower arrangements or something.

    Just talk to her and ask what she has for expectations as a bridesmaid, and tell her you didn't want to overburden her. So, you just didn't expect her to do everything with you.
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  • I agree w/ Whit.  Let her know that, as of right now, there's not a lot that you "need" anyone to do for you, but as the wedding gets closer, you'll let her know what you need help with.  Maybe put her in charge of a few "projects" that you don't particularly care about.
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
    http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
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    Lilypie Third Birthday tickersLilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-localwwyd-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:05385ff5-174e-4cb3-93b3-9214d03d7466Post:3e6d3c30-6bd0-4b07-9d53-70afd10ce176">Re: XP From local:WWYD? Long.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree w/ Whit.  Let her know that, as of right now, there's not a lot that you "need" anyone to do for you, but as the wedding gets closer, you'll let her know what you need help with.  Maybe put her in charge of a few "projects" that you don't particularly care about.
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, one of my BMs ended up acting this way, when I had been thinking my entire engagement she didn't care much about the wedding. She was actually upset at me for having done everything myself. So, I had her over one night and we made the favors, and a second night we tied ribbon on the bubbles. Small stuff, but it's what she expected.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-localwwyd-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:05385ff5-174e-4cb3-93b3-9214d03d7466Post:5b62a660-903e-4012-a60a-86d955e3d99b">Re: XP From local:WWYD? Long.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP From local:WWYD? Long. : Yeah, one of my BMs ended up acting this way, when I had been thinking my entire engagement she didn't care much about the wedding. She was actually upset at me for having done everything myself. So, I had her over one night and we made the favors, and a second night we tied ribbon on the bubbles. Small stuff, but it's what she expected.
    Posted by whitsy[/QUOTE]

    I mean I have some DIY stuff to do, but I was planning on waiting until after we moved to do it just because there will be more space. I haven't really spoken of it because there's still about a month until then.
     Maybe I tried to hard to NOT be a brideszilla. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />
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  • cbvcru67cbvcru67 member
    100 Comments
    edited January 2012
    People here say all the time, all a BM has to do is buy a dress and show up.  But the thing is, if you aren't on TK all the time, some girls really DO think you're supposed to do more to be a good bridesmaid.  I know the first time I was a BM I did.  It was confusing, because I thought I should throw a shower or plan a weekend get-together, but the bride really didn't want all that and didn't need help and I kind of worried it was more a reflection on me or our friendship than her.  It wasn't, but she could be overthinking this.

    Also - is there a chance that she was hurt you didn't make it to her housewarming party?  I'd be a little frustrated with a friend  who couldn't come if I had taken the time to plan a get-together, especially if it was someone I was close to.  I know you said you had plans with your FI, but it probably wouldn't have killed you to stop by and drop off a gift or something on your way to meet the ILs.  It maybe wasn't something you could have helped, but if I were her, I'd still be bummed.
  • I'm in a wedding and I practically have to beg the bride to let me do anything. She is not used to people genuinely wanting to help her, but I do. Before I finally came out and said " Hey I'd love to help you do whatever you need, but if you don't want help then I will quit asking" I was semi upset. Like why does she not want to tell me anything/do anything? I love weddings and for me doing grunt work so the bride doesn't have to makes me feel good, like I am taking stress off her. Maybe share some details you don't think anyone would care about with her or have a favor assembly night with her. Sounds like she just needs some reassurance :) 
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