Family Wreath Compatibility

martha783

I'm not sure if this should fall under a different board but this seems to be where people address family issues...

I'm trying to AVOID drama before it becomes drama.

Our families could not be more different. I come from a traditional family, my parents have been married over 30 years, I have 7 bros/sisses and will be the first to marry. My family is as "perfect" as they come. We are all very close, my parents teach marriage and parenting seminars, and while no family is truly perfect, we look it. Since we are so close, they will be very prominent and involved in the wedding, as moh, bm, gm, fg, etc plus planning. My FI has spent a lot of time with my family and is close to all.

My FI's family is quite different, with the only thing in common being that he is close to both his parents. His father has been married 3 times, my fi is from the 2nd marriage, and there are 2 kids per marriage. He has siblings from age 2 to age 36 and while he loves them all, he's not very close to any of them. Obviously, at the wedding the current wife will be present along with his mother (who never remarried) and the assorted siblings, not all of whom have a relationship. THey won't be gm or bms. Maybe rb for his baby brother but that's it. I am working on my closeness with his parents but really am distant with his siblings--not much oppportunity to change that. One positive is that my FI's father and mother have a friendly relationship and have raised their children together even after an early divorce. I am not worried about a lot of tension there, though it will be a first for them to be at a wedding of a child together, but I do notice the current wife avoids my fi's mother so that might just be wierd in seating, etc...

As if this were not complicated enough, we have two cultures and languages! My family speaks no Spanish and is from the US. His family speaks no English for the most part and is from Peru. We wil have a dual-location ceremony/reception but my entire family will be in both locations and his parents and some siblings will too. That means I can't just sit his mother with other friends/families at the US ceremony/reception.  SHe won't know ANYONE and speaks no English. All the rest of his family will be with his father and current wife. Awkward. I guess we can put her with "friends" at the Peruvian ceremony/reception but...she should be with family but it would be strange to put her with mine. She's kinda "alone" in that sense.

My parents have met his mother but there has been no other inter-family relationship (separated by continents) and probably won't ever be in the future AFTER the wedding either.

I appreciate so much the heritage that my parents have given me in their incredible marriage and that is something I want to honor/recognize in some way at my wedding. But I don't know how to do that without drawing attention to the contrast with his family. 

 Our wedding will be Christian and my father (who is a minister) will do the vows along with our pastors. I want to do a parental blessing but it might be strange to have both my parents and his father/mother but w/one being married and the other not. I also like vows that specify that divorce is not an option which my be awkward?? I mean, his dad has told him "Marry 1 woman for your whole life" but then again...there are his  three marriages ever too present.

I want to be able to appreciate the love of both our families but not draw attention to make his family incomfortable with a contrast of symetricality. I don't want OUR wedding to be different because his fathers' marriages failed either.

Has anyone dealt with this symetricality of families issues? Has it caused any problems/found any solutions?

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_family-wreath-compatibility?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0538fa5a-54ea-4024-95f5-96b3373e5e87Post:f0197932-fdd8-4bde-a0df-c1f0b6f05a11">Family Wreath Compatibility</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure if this should fall under a different board but this seems to be where people address family issues... I'm trying to AVOID drama before it becomes drama. Our families could not be more different. I come from a traditional family, my parents have been married over 30 years, I have 7 bros/sisses and will be the first to marry. My family is as "perfect" as they come. We are all very close, my parents teach marriage and parenting seminars, and while no family is truly perfect, we look it. Since we are so close, they will be very prominent and involved in the wedding, as moh, bm, gm, fg, etc plus planning. My FI has spent a lot of time with my family and is close to all. My FI's family is quite different, with the only thing in common being that he is close to both his parents. His father has been married 3 times, my fi is from the 2nd marriage, and there are 2 kids per marriage. He has siblings from age 2 to age 36 and while he loves them all, he's not very close to any of them. Obviously, at the wedding the current wife will be present along with his mother (who never remarried) and the assorted siblings, not all of whom have a relationship. THey won't be gm or bms. Maybe rb for his baby brother but that's it. I am working on my closeness with his parents but really am distant with his siblings--not much oppportunity to change that. One positive is that my FI's father and mother have a friendly relationship and have raised their children together even after an early divorce. I am not worried about a lot of tension there, though it will be a first for them to be at a wedding of a child together, but I do notice the current wife avoids my fi's mother so that might just be wierd in seating, etc... As if this were not complicated enough, we have two cultures and languages! My family speaks no Spanish and is from the US. His family speaks no English for the most part and is from Peru. We wil have a dual-location ceremony/reception but my entire family will be in both locations and his parents and some siblings will too. That means I can't just sit his mother with other friends/families at the US ceremony/reception.  SHe won't know ANYONE and speaks no English. All the rest of his family will be with his father and current wife. Awkward. I guess we can put her with "friends" at the Peruvian ceremony/reception but...she should be with family but it would be strange to put her with mine. She's kinda "alone" in that sense. My parents have met his mother but there has been no other inter-family relationship (separated by continents) and probably won't ever be in the future AFTER the wedding either. I appreciate so much the heritage that my parents have given me in their incredible marriage and that is something I want to honor/recognize in some way at my wedding. But I don't know how to do that without drawing attention to the contrast with his family.   Our wedding will be Christian and my father (who is a minister) will do the vows along with our pastors. I want to do a parental blessing but it might be strange to have both my parents and his father/mother but w/one being married and the other not. I also like vows that specify that divorce is not an option which my be awkward?? I mean, his dad has told him "Marry 1 woman for your whole life" but then again...there are his  three marriages ever too present. I want to be able to appreciate the love of both our families but not draw attention to make his family incomfortable with a contrast of symetricality. I don't want OUR wedding to be different because his fathers' marriages failed either. Has anyone dealt with this symetricality of families issues? Has it caused any problems/found any solutions?
Posted by martha783[/QUOTE]
I learned a new word today: symetricality. I don't really have any advice, except that you sound really uppity, and maybe this is a stretch, but I'm definitely getting an I'm-better-than-FI's-family vibe.

sister2groom

You're making this way too complicated. For example,

It's really not uncommon to be not very close to half-siblings, especially those born after FI stpped living with FIL or MIL.
 
I don't think divorce is an option either, but wouldn't add that to the vows, especially because it's already included ("til death do us part.")

I like not having options, it means stressful decisions are made for me. His mom has to sit with people who speak the same language, so if the only people at US reception who speak Spanish are FIL's family, looks like that seating decision was easy. Maybe seat her other kid there too so she's not completely alone.

Even if FI's parents had a rock-solid marriage, what would you do to honor parent's marriages? Vowing to spend the rest of your life with someone is honoring your parents legacy. I've seen weddings of kids with parents who have amazing marriages,  but never seen public displays of that. Maybe borrow your mom's wedding jewelry (if she still has it) for the day, or carry her ring down the aisle.

KatyRoseM

I'm also getting that vibe.  Ok I understand that failed marriages sucks, but it might help if you looked at this from a what will make everyone happy and not insult anyone point of view instead of a I want to acknowledge how awesome my family is point of view.  As a hint, it would sound a lot nicer if you didn't call your family perfect, its annoying and not believable. 

sarah0725

I think there's a lot of "I" and not a lot of "we" in what you just said. Your FI also has a significant role in your wedding, and he should be the one deciding where his family sits and how his family is recognized. Also, I think that putting all of your siblings in important roles and leaving his out is kind of weird. In addition, I'd think it would be fairly obvious that adding a lot of rigamarole about how divorce is not an option would be in poor taste, given his family situation.

It sounds like you need to work on developing an empathy button a bit.

LP11509

Marriage is about the joining of not only you and your FI, but of your families as well.  I don't think that you can "honor" one family and not the other without coming across as condescending.  

Every family is different.  That doesn't make one better than the other. Please don't punish your FI's family at HIS wedding just because YOU don't agree with some of the choices that they have made. 

annakb8

Please do not mention divorce in your wedding ceremony. At my cousin's wedding (blessing ceremony, actually, they had already been to the jop but that's a whole other can of worms) the pastor went on and on and on about how marriage is forever and divorce is awful. Not only did it kind of put a sour note into a ceremony that should be a happy one, it was very awkward because there were plenty of divorced people in the congregation. Overall, I thought it was pretty tactless to bring up divorce during a wedding. It is certainly a serious issue, and one to perhaps be discussed in pre-wedding counseling but it has no place in the ceremony.

MissTee83

While I agree that there doesn't seem to be any way to honor your parents in the way you want without hurting his family's feelings, I don't feel that you are being "uppity" or think you are better than them. You seem to want to keep harmony while still having your special day, and understandably so!

My question is this: what does your fiance have to say about this? Have you asked for his input yet? That might help clear up any issues.

I hope you find a way to resolve things and have the day you want, while keeping both families happy, Good luck!

megk8oz

All I really have to say is: do not, do not, do not "specify in your vows that 'divorce is not an option'". Even if every last one of your guests was in a perfectly happy marriage and none of them had ever experienced divorce, it would be tacky and awkward as hell to mention something like that in a marriage ceremony. But the fact that the groom's own parents have experienced it just makes you look like a pretentious little snot that wants to rub your superiority in their face. It may not be your intention, but that's most certainly how it's going to look.

chocoholic4life

I'm agreeing with PPs, but there is a way to honor married couples at your reception.  You can have all married couples stand, then have those that were married an hour ago (you two) sit.  Next have those that were married 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, etc sit until you have one couple left.  Give them your bouquet.  If it happens to be your parents, awesome.  If it is someone else, recognize them and be happy.  This way, you honor your parents as well as anyone else who has been married, no matter for how long.  Way less "in your face" to FI's family.

Also, stop idealizing your parents.  There are things you don't know about their relationship, and it's just going to cause trouble in your own marriage if you set this fake standard for yourselves.