Intimate 2nd Wedding.... difficult MOB

timsflower81

FI and I have been planning our "perfect" intimate wedding that we are paying for completely on our own..... Our vision is to have our parents (all out of state) and FI's daughter.  That's it.   Both my parents are remarried, so I have a stepfather and stepmother.... I also have 2 step brothers, 2 step sisters and a biological brother.   I'm not close with any of my siblings really.  My mom told me that she wants to not bring my stepfather and bring my bio brother and GRANDMA.  So essentially adding another person....

We rented a 7000 square foot Bed and Breakfast that has 5 rooms.... So this means that my mom and grandma would be staying in the same room and my brother would be staying in another "closet type bedroom" on the 3rd floor away from everyone else.    Meanwhile, I have not invited anyone else from the family, and I also have 2 living paternal grandparents.  Our ceremony will be at the bed and breakfast in the garden and then we have a limo coming to pick everyone up to go to an italian steak house that we reserved a private dining room in.  All of this - again paid for by us.  

Its not really about the money, but more of the principle of it.  I wanted my parents, his parents and fi's daughter - that's it.   I don't see a need for my brother or my grandma for that matter.  I just wanted it quiet, stress-free, intimate but elegant.  To me this is drama - and maybe I'm overreacting.  My stepfather is not very social and according to my mom "doesn't do well with just sitting around talking" and "stresses her out when they go places".  

So I have this "guilt" that if my bio brother is invited, then my other step sibling should be too along with my paternal grandparents?  Am I overthinking this?  

AdeleDazeem

If this is what you want, then this is what you want.  There's nothing wrong with it and you are paying for it.

I do find it odd that you don't want your grandparents or your biological siblings at your wedding, though.  Are you close with them?

biz717

I think you need to stick to your guns, friend. If you just want parents, invite the parents. If your step dad doesn't want to come or your mom doesn't want him there (and we'll just ignore the weirdness of that situation), he doesn't have to come. No grandma, no bio brother. You're paying, you get to decide.

Also, that all sounds lovely! I hope it is.

nlindsay17

I think you should talk to your mother and tell her you just want the parents there. If she brings the brother and grandmother that will open a whole can of worms with the step siblings and other grandparents. Your dad may be upset that your mom's mother got to go but not his parents etc. If you end up feeling guilty and adding these other people you will no longer fit at the bed and breakfast or in the limo. It's really ridiculous that the stepfather can't come to such a small gathering and I think your mom is using that as an excuse to bring brother and grandma. You should have your wedding the way you want it and not let other people force you to change it especially when you are paying for it.
Best of luck!

mfeo24

I started out planning a wedding like this, 8 guests, we'd pay for everything for the weekend. Then my mom started up... "Well, your grandma won't like it that none of her kids (my aunts) can come."  I canceled that wedding really quick. If that's clearly what you want then I think you need to tell your mom no right away. Talk to her about your vision, and why you made the decision she did. If she wants to leave stepdad at home, she can, but she can't bring substitutes.

specialk84

Invite whomever you want. While your stepfather may not want to attend, his invitation is not transferrable.

timsflower81

Thanks for the responses.. I've explained my vision to her several - she tells me that my "brother should be there" and can't understand why I don't want him there.. it's not that I don't "want" him there - I just don't think he belongs there.  I want parents and fi's daughter - plain and simple.  A chance for my parents to get to meet his parents and get to know them... my dad and stepmom have not met fi's daughter yet...... so I just wanted this intimate - low key - hang out -adult thing.  My brother is 25 - mostly anti-social - not sure he's ever had a girlfriend in his life and he's awkward.. how would he possibly enjoy a bed and breakfast with a bunch of strangers that is all about my Fi and I ?    My mom keeps saying "don't worry about it, i'll take care of things, it'll be fine, don't stress over it."  How can I NOT stress about it?

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-2nd-wedding-difficult-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:06088d4e-60e0-4a79-9a70-b2704b602c4ePost:c856a283-28f2-4205-be61-a90f339e2296">Re: Intimate 2nd Wedding.... difficult MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]If this is what you want, then this is what you want.  There's nothing wrong with it and you are paying for it. <strong>I do find it odd that you don't want your grandparents or your biological siblings at your wedding, though.</strong>  Are you close with them?
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this. I cannot IMAGINE my mom being ok with not inviting my grandma to my wedding, even if it was going to be "intimate." No way. And I don't think I'd consider that being difficult either--it's pretty normal to want grandparents at a wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>BUT. Invite who you want and what makes you happy--I don't know your family dynamic. I will say that if you're that stressed about it and you really want a TINY wedding, I'd consider eloping. You could still do the whole thing you want--only without the 5 or 6 guests.</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-2nd-wedding-difficult-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:06088d4e-60e0-4a79-9a70-b2704b602c4ePost:77e3874b-34bd-433e-9297-aa0d2d8c55c3">Re: Intimate 2nd Wedding.... difficult MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the responses.. I've explained my vision to her several - she tells me that my "brother should be there" and can't understand why I don't want him there.. it's not that I don't "want" him there - I just don't think he belongs there.  I want parents and fi's daughter - plain and simple.  A chance for my parents to get to meet his parents and get to know them... my dad and stepmom have not met fi's daughter yet...... so I just wanted this intimate - low key - hang out -adult thing. <strong> My brother is 25 - mostly anti-social - not sure he's ever had a girlfriend in his life and he's awkward..</strong> how would he possibly enjoy a bed and breakfast with a bunch of strangers that is all about my Fi and I ?    My mom keeps saying "don't worry about it, i'll take care of things, it'll be fine, don't stress over it."  How can I NOT stress about it?
Posted by timsflower81[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm not sure this is a great reason not to invite someone to your wedding. I'm inviting some socially awkward people, because they're important to me. They may choose to not come, but I at least showed them they were important to me by inviting them.

</div>

bonge

I could never imagine having a wedding without all my immediate family BUT it is not my wedding, it is yours, which means unless you are being extremely rude not invite your parents s/o's (which you are not doing) then i see nothing wrong with how you are doing it. 

Let your mom know that this is how it is, that it is up for discussion. Let her know that it is fine if your stepfather does not want to come, that is his choice, but that you are not giving her a +1 to substitute, that you are inviting by name & that is it. 

Your wedding vision sounds lovely in concept. i would still invite my immediate family, but your eloping essentially which can be a bit different. Good luck talking to her. 

RYLZ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-2nd-wedding-difficult-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:06088d4e-60e0-4a79-9a70-b2704b602c4ePost:77e3874b-34bd-433e-9297-aa0d2d8c55c3">Re: Intimate 2nd Wedding.... difficult MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the responses.. I've explained my vision to her several - she tells me that my "brother should be there" and can't understand why I don't want him there.. it's not that I don't "want" him there - I just don't think he belongs there.  I want parents and fi's daughter - plain and simple.  <strong>A chance for my parents to get to meet his parents and get to know them... my dad and stepmom have not met fi's daughter yet...... so I just wanted this intimate - low key - hang out -adult thing.</strong> My brother is 25 - mostly anti-social - not sure he's ever had a girlfriend in his life and he's awkward.. how would he possibly enjoy a bed and breakfast with a bunch of strangers that is all about my Fi and I ?    My mom keeps saying "don't worry about it, i'll take care of things, it'll be fine, don't stress over it."  How can I NOT stress about it?
Posted by timsflower81[/QUOTE]

Your vision sounds lovely, and I don't think you need to justify why you don't want your brother or anyone else there (people have all kinds of different family dynamics), however, if your mother is going to be crabby and uncooperative, you should consider whether it will be possible to achieve the vibe you're going for if you insist on your current guest list-- she doesn't sound like she's going to just simmer down and participate in your plans.  So while I think you're in the right, you may shoot yourself in the foot by inviting just her and your step-father.  Will she be pleasant and friendly with the in-laws, or will she be sulky and uncooperative?