Wedding Etiquette Forum

small wedding... big family....

Ok, so ever since I was a little girl I've wanted a small wedding. My fiancé has had the same vision (what little he's imagined). The only problem is that a small wedding to me is around 100 people. This in mind, my mom wants me to invite all 73 members of her family. This includes aunts and uncles who I haven't talked to in years with children who treated me like crap in high school because I was overweight. To add on to that I have an estranged grandpa who pretty much disowned the family to start a new life with another woman. I'm only close to one of my aunts on my mothers side, and at that I only ever talk to one of the others when I'm at home and I answer the phone for my mom and it's her. 

My Fiancé's family is a total of 38 people... while on the other hand my step dad has 4 sisters who are all married and two kids who ALWAYS have to be the center of attention. They were mean to my mother and I because we aren't my step dads "real" family.  

 I'm not sure what to do about my dads family... My father and I aren't exactly on close terms because he was abusive when I was a child and now suddenly has amnesia of all of this. I don't want him there but my mother thinks it would be a good idea.

So,, any suggestions on how to keep my wedding small? I've considered booking a small hall and just inviting only the closest of the close so not to have any hurt feelings... 

Re: small wedding... big family....

  • To stay in control of your guest list, pay for the wedding yourselves.  Then you get the final say on who is and isn't invited and you can invite just the people you want to be there.
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-big-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:060a54f6-87d8-4141-b858-781c6bae99edPost:54d1324a-ac6a-40cb-838a-cdb0e92976a3">Re: small wedding... big family....</a>:
    [QUOTE]To stay in control of your guest list, pay for the wedding yourselves.  Then you get the final say on who is and isn't invited and you can invite just the people you want to be there.
    Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

    <div>definitely.  </div><div>
    </div><div>There are going to be people (sometimes not even family) who all want to push you to do your wedding their way.  This is one of the only times where I'll say this, but you HAVE to think of it as "your special day".  If you don't want 300 people there, don't let someone pressure you into having 300 people there.  All decisions only need to be confirmed through you and you FI.</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>However - if your family or his family starts paying for the wedding, then they get say in how the wedding goes.</div>
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • what if they are only contributing small amounts of money?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-big-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:060a54f6-87d8-4141-b858-781c6bae99edPost:d2cf436f-ae52-455a-a446-7bfdc10e514e">Re: small wedding... big family....</a>:
    [QUOTE]what if they are only contributing small amounts of money?
    Posted by LindsayB2217[/QUOTE]

    Then you guys just need to learn to say no.  Make your guest list with the family and friends that you two want to be there, keeping it at max 100 (if that's what you guys decided).  Once you make that list, if you have space leftover then give each set of parents a certain number - like "okay Mom, we have space to give you and step-dad 4 people to invite.  So pick 4 and let us know their names and addresses."  Then when they try to talk you into inviting more people, you and your FI are just going to have stand up for yourselves and say no.  "We'll think it over, thanks for the suggestion!" and then move on.  Or just be honest and say "we really want a small wedding and since we don't even know or see these people, we aren't going to invite them"
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Ditto all the PPs- maybe do some advanced scouting with your FI and find a reception/ceremony venue that will ONLY hold 100 people, then go ahead and book it.  Might be a good way to nip everything in the bud. Parents can still have their opinions, etc... but you'll maintain control.

    When you say they are contributing small amounts of money, have they said specifically what they'll give/pay for? Ie: could you say "Oh, FMIL, we're going to use the money you contributed for the flowers!" and then let her help a bit with them... or "Mom, we're using some of the money you contributed for the food, do you want to come to the tasting with us?"

    This could be helpful in maintaining control and making them feel involved.
  • It doesn't make sense to me to invite family that you don't like or haven't seen in ages. I wouldn't invite them.
  • We had our wedding which was in IL and my family is from MN. We also had wanted a small wedding, but my husband has a large family.  Since it was an out of town wedding for half, this made it a little more simple.  We "had" or decided to invite all people anyway which ended to be about 230 people.  130 people including the WP was there.  I thought it was the perfect size and 30 people over was not too much for me.
    Good luck-I know it's tough!
  • Thanks guys! It helps to know I'm not crazy for not wanting my wedding to be a family reunion!
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards