Am I a Bridesmaid or Not?

raven154

A few months ago I posted here that my long term boyfriend's sister had called off her wedding about 3 years ago. I had been asked to be a bridesmaid back then. Now, we were finally told that the wedding is in July (his parents and sister failed to even tell us, I overheard his Mom discussing it on Christmas and said "she set a new date?") His Mom looked shocked that neither her son nor I had been informed. She kept apologizing (part of the problem is that the bride does not take on the responsibility of communicating anything). Anyway, I also found out that the wedding is an all weekend affair (I'm sorry, but why do marrying couples really believe that people want to attend a 48 hour wedding?). No mention has been made of my being a bridesmaid. People kindly responding the last time I posted said to consider myself "not" in the wedding party until I hear otherwise. What if I never hear either way?? What if his sister or Mom just start acting like I am in it without ever verbalizing it? There is a second part to this as well. His sister had inferred that my boyfriend (her brother) would be asked to be a groomsman. He was never asked 3 years ago, but I think his Mom believes he had been asked b/c of comments she made back then. My boyfriend and I are not hoping to be in this wedding party, believe me, but what if I am in it and he is not? I would never dream of telling someone who to have in their wedding party, but I would prefer to just be a guest if my boyfriend is not in the wedding party. What should my basic attitude and mental stance toward this entire situation be?

dumdumfroggie

I don't really think there is much you can do.  You'll pretty much have to ride it out and see what happens.

I would think that since it has be 3 years, if you were to be a BM she would have asked again.

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-bridesmaid-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0634c6a5-2642-4f10-bd8e-3a32897d1453Post:a18d20b2-4e1e-4b1a-ae05-9e98222ac26c">Re: Am I a Bridesmaid or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't really think there is much you can do.  You'll pretty much have to ride it out and see what happens. I would think that since it has be 3 years, if you were to be a BM she would have asked again.
Posted by dumdumfroggie[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. Surely she would ask you again. I would just wait it out and see.

strlzfan11

If the sister and mom both start mentioning things that infer you are in the wedding (like buying a dress) then I think it is safe for you to come right out and ask.  Otherwise I would assume that you are not in the wedding and not ask any questions about the planning process, etc.

Mrs.B6302007

Well this is just me, but I would flat out ask.  I would say something along the lines of 'You asked me several years ago and now that it's getting closer, I just need to know what the deal is so that I can plan financially if you woudl still like me to stand with you.  If not, that's cool - I'll be happy to be a guest."

But again, that's ME and my personality. I would seriously not have my feelings hurt about being booted (in this case) because it kind of sounds like an obligatory thing at this point.  I would be HAPPY not to have to spend money on a dress I'll never wear again and all that jazz.   If you don't want to go that route, I would put some money aside for a dress and stuff just in case and go along my way.   She really needs to let you know.

raven154

The wedding is in early July. The problem is that, as you could see from the background information, there is zero communication. So much so that her only brother was not even told, yet they think he was told. So, that is why I can certainly see a situation where it is just assumed that I would be in the wedding party again.

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-bridesmaid-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0634c6a5-2642-4f10-bd8e-3a32897d1453Post:fff23d32-5d70-4aa3-a794-7285ecb32d07">Re: Am I a Bridesmaid or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]The wedding is in early July. The problem is that, as you could see from the background information, there is zero communication. So much so that her only brother was not even told, yet they think he was told. So, that is why I can certainly see a situation where it is just assumed that I would be in the wedding party again.
Posted by raven154[/QUOTE]

Then I would ask straight out, "Am I still in the wedding party?"

raven154

I would feel really funny asking...it's just not my personality. I would not be hurt if the wedding party has changed, I'm secretly hoping that I can just be a guest. The situation is different than 3 years ago, including that the wedding is in a completely different state than originally planned. I was originally told that her brother (my boyfriend) would be in the wedding party. But, he was never actually asked. His Mom seemed to think he was definitely in the wedding party (this was 3 years ago) but I told her that he was never actually asked, then the wedding was called off, so it was moot. I would never dream of commenting on who someone has chosen to be in a wedding party, but I would feel really awkard being in it when her brother is not. It's just a whole big CRINGE!

Meghannsix

If you don't want to be involved, I wouldn't say anything, you don't want them to think you still want to be included.  If they bring it up, then you can go with the "while I'm honored you still want to include me, I'd rather participate as a guest".

raven154

Thanks for everyone's input. I did try on and send my size for a dress, but the wedding was called off before any dress and money was exchanged. Does this change anything?

rebarobert2012

You can ask if you want to, but you said that it is not in your personality, and I understand that completely because I would feel the same way.  As frustrating as it would be, I would just wait it out.  I think it would be kind of weird if she didn't ask you to be a bridesmaid again, but it sounds like you won't be hurt if she doesn't, so I'm sure it will work out either way.

Cortney1982

I would not plan on it.  The bride has to ask again.  She can't assume people will assume! 

mollyehren

Next time I saw hwr I would comment that I had headr she was getting married. Once she confirms I would work into the conversation how many bridesmaids she was having. If she plans on using you she will bring it up then.

RaptorSLH

If the bride is this bad at communicating, I think it's fair to ask, for both you and your bf.  You don't want to ask, but it's his family, so why can't he?

"Hey sis, raven and I have been getting some mixed messages about your wedding party.  Have you decided yet?"

Ljacks87

There are 2 ways to approach this.
1) Put yourself out of misery and ask.You can bring it up casually and ask " have you chosen your WP members?".

2) Be patient, stop stressing and wait for her to ask you again. If she doesn't bring it up by March, it's safe to say you're not chosen, most likely. And is she waits until May or something, I would decline and say she didn't give you enough warning to purchase the dress. It's her own damn fault.

Either way, she has to let you know at some point. This isn't something you should stress about. And remember, you can decline to be in the wedding. No one is forcing you and there are tactful ways of saying no. IMO, there's nothing worse than having a bridesmaid that cleary does not want to be a part of the wedding.

bmoruzzi

I would have to know, so if I were you I'd have my boyfriend ask his sister who is in the wedding party.  I don't understand why that is so difficult.  Isn't it better than stressing over it?

Kate61487

It sounds to me like you don't even want to be in the wedding party, so I'd just assume you're a guest and if she does ask at some point down the line politely decline, since you don't want to anyway.

If you would feel obligated to say yes down the line then either suck it up and ask (or have BF do it), or plan financially as though you will be in it; and if she never asks then yay! extra money!

Frankly, I don't think much will change other than the cost of the dress itself whether you're in or not.  I'd assume her brother would be invited to the RD whether you two were standing up or not, so you'll be spending the same amount of time there either way....

RebeccaB88

If it was me, I would assume I'm not in the wedding unless I'm specifically asked or given necessary information (like, here's the dress info, etc).  She may be planning a totally different kind of wedding than she was before - smaller, no attendants, family only, destination, etc.  I would also insist that any invitation to do this come directly from her - not through her mother or brother.

If the bride isn't mature enough to figure out how to communicate effectively, then she needs to deal with those consequences herself.  I mean, how difficult is it to say that the wedding is this date, are you still interested in being a bridesmaid?