Vegan wedding! Yikes!

pumpkin314159

I am vegan and I'm not going to buy anything nonvegan for my wedding. The big problem is, of course, what will I feed my guests? I live in Nebraska, so steak country, and neither my family nor SO's is very accepting of "my lifestyle." Not to mention the caterers here are either incapable or unwilling to come up with a vegan menu more inspired than "bowtie pasta with marinara." No joke.

My idea is to have a late evening 8pm ceremony followed by a dessert/cocktail reception I DO know a competent vegan bakery. I think our friends would be fine with this and my family as well this is my second wedding, I'm being a bit more chill this time, but I am worried about SO's family. Particularly, SO has older grandparents. They live in the same town so travel is not a problem, but would 8pm with reception following be too late for a surprisingly vigorous 95yearold? Not to mention, is a dessert reception just too trashy?

TIA!

bridalmarch

Could you do a few savory appetizers, too? I'm not a huge sweets person so I probably wouldn't eat very much at a dessert only reception, but the timing of that is fine I think. Not trashy. 

As for the grandparents, I'd ask them. My dad told me last night that his father (my grandfather) hadn't completely made up his mind but that he probably wouldn't be attending the wedding because it would be too overwhelming for him - and our reception ends at 8:30. If he doesn't come, FI and I are planning on taking grandfather and his wife out for dinner or lunch after the wedding and maybe showing them some pictures. If your FI's grandfather can't attend that late at night, maybe you could do that?  

misssunshine17

I would do your last ceremony with a few apps and dessert. It is not trashy at all. I think you'd end up spending a lot for dinner where people aren't happy with it. 

This is not to be rude, but why are you not willing to have vegan and non-vegan meals? I have one vegan guest, who I've gone out of my way to accomidate, as well as vegetarians and several gluten free. You say they're not accepting, but by not accomidating them, it seems like you're not accepting their choices, either. Or maybe I'm way off base. 

Stina51286

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegan-wedding-yikes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:072c9a05-2083-4530-be36-f20f7acd85c0Post:a4b1a67c-57d5-4e18-9a2f-ca00e71e00b8">Re: Vegan wedding! Yikes!</a>:
[QUOTE] This is not to be rude, but why are you not willing to have vegan and non-vegan meals? I have one vegan guest, who I've gone out of my way to accomidate, as well as vegetarians and several gluten free. You say they're not accepting, but by not accomidating them, it seems like you're not accepting their choices, either. Or maybe I'm way off base. 
Posted by misssunshine17[/QUOTE]

This...

itzMS

As wedding receptions are intended to be a thank you to your guests, it seems unreasonable to not provide meals to accomodate all tastes.

I know plenty of people who don't eat tofu or many vegetables...both key items in many vegan recipes...

[Deleted User]

I would see if you can come up with a list of apps that work with your dietary choices & try to find a caterer who will accomodate. This way you have more of a selection of food & the apps will be especially great if you are having booze.

Check out any local resturants in your area that you know have food choices that you like. Maybe one of them would be willing to cater or maybe even do just a large take out option that will work.

Doing just an dessert reception or app & desserts I don't belive is tacky. Your ceremony is late enough that I wouldn't expect dinner if I were a guest. But you could also put on your invite "please join us for desserts/apps at ..... after the ceremony" Then your covered letting your guests know there won't be a dinner so people will plan accordingly and have dinner before coming.

Good luck finding someone that will help you with your menu & hope that everything else goes easier for you.

emilykathleen511

There is absolutely nothing "trashy" about a dessert reception (as long as it's not during a meal time). I think it sounds delightful! I agree with PP though, about having other options other than baked goods.

misssunshine17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegan-wedding-yikes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:072c9a05-2083-4530-be36-f20f7acd85c0Post:d926e431-7a13-4c1a-aeb0-1c843410fe99">Re: Vegan wedding! Yikes!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>MissSunshine, if it is an ethics thing for OP can see her not wanting to spend money on something she thinks is unethical. It would be like expecting a Southern Baptist to spend money on an open bar.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUO</strong>TE]

<div>Absolutely, I totally agree here. However, if it's not, I see it as a little rude to not accomidate her guests as non-vegans would if the situation were reversed. </div>

pumpkin314159

Thanks all for your helpful and speedy replies! And sorry for the weird formatting, I didn't realize my phone would make it all strange. For now, I will move ahead with the late evening wedding. I'm glad to hear that it's not tacky. : I'll have SO talk to the grandparents and make sure they have a ride if they want one. I'll also look into some substantial savory appetizers to supplement the desserts. And very special thanks to Liatris for trying to explain the moral conflict of providing nonvegan food. While I would never presume to dictate my guests morals at any other time, when it is my party and I am footing the bill, I will allow my morality to guide me. It's hard to explain, but maybe the closest is to imagine you are, say, devoutly catholic. It would be your prerogative to have a catholic ceremony, even if your guests follow other religions or would prefer a secular ceremony.

misssunshine17

OP, maybe it's silly, but I know some vegans/veg/gluten free that do it as a fad, not a lifestyle, so if you are morally vegan, that I think it is acceptable to have a vegan wedding. However, I wouldn't waste money on a full dinner. 

Peledreamsofrain

I'm not sure why you are forcing your guests to eat a type of food you know they wouldn't really want. If it were the other way around, and a bride refused to serve you vegan food to accomodate you, you'd be hurt or insulted. Just weird, and not good hosting to purposely and knowingly upset guests.

lyndausvi

I think a dessert receptions is fine.  However, I would be annoyed at one at 8pm.  That is dinner time for me.  I would much rather attend one in the afternoon.

If you are planning a party with alcohol I would suggest adding more food.  I would not last long at a party with alcohol and just sweets.     I don't eat much dessert to begin with and not a fan of any of the vegan desserts I've eaten in the past.  I didn't down right dislike them, but it never left me wanting more either.  If I'm going to eat dessert I prefer eggs, milk and butter.


Just curious is you FI vegan?    You just said his family does not approve of "your lifestyle" not "our".  

[Deleted User]

I think that a dessert reception is fine. Just make sure people know it's a dessert reception. I've been to weddings that the reception starts around 8 or 9 and it's still a full meal. You don't want hungry guests cranky that there's only some cake and fruit!

Simply Fated

I was going to say the same as vonclancy, I've seen receptions start at 8 and 9 that served a full meal.
I think as long as you put it on the invitation that it's a dessert reception, you should be fine.

femme55

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegan-wedding-yikes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:072c9a05-2083-4530-be36-f20f7acd85c0Post:40264d52-95c9-47b9-bba1-80aefe97a869">Re:Vegan wedding! Yikes!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Vegan wedding! Yikes!: I completely disagree. I accommodated my guests who needed a kosher meal. I would never expect them to violate their beliefs by preparing a nonkosher meal for me. It's the same thing as this. A bride who is not vegan presumably has no moral or ethical issues with serving vegan friendly fare. The reverse is not always true.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>This.  Also, a non-vegan can always eat a vegan meal (even if it is just pasta primavera or whatever) but a vegan can't eat meat and dairy, usually for moral reasons.  Would it really kill the guests to not have meat/dairy/animal products for one night? </div>

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegan-wedding-yikes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:072c9a05-2083-4530-be36-f20f7acd85c0Post:75fc6340-8f43-43fc-86ab-48e521426f73">Re: Vegan wedding! Yikes!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think a dessert receptions is fine.  However, I would be annoyed at one at 8pm.  That is dinner time for me. <strong> I would much rather attend one in the afternoon.</strong> If you are planning a party with alcohol I would suggest adding more food.  I would not last long at a party with alcohol and just sweets.     I don't eat much dessert to begin with and not a fan of any of the vegan desserts I've eaten in the past.  I didn't down right dislike them, but it never left me wanting more either.  If I'm going to eat dessert I prefer eggs, milk and butter. Just curious is you FI vegan?    You just said his family does not approve of "your lifestyle" not "our".  
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
I eat lunch at 1 in the afternoon, that's a mealtime for me so I would be annoyed by that.

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegan-wedding-yikes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:072c9a05-2083-4530-be36-f20f7acd85c0Post:40264d52-95c9-47b9-bba1-80aefe97a869">Re:Vegan wedding! Yikes!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Vegan wedding! Yikes!: I completely disagree. I accommodated my guests who needed a kosher meal. I would never expect them to violate their beliefs by preparing a nonkosher meal for me. It's the same thing as this. A bride who is not vegan presumably has no moral or ethical issues with serving vegan friendly fare. The reverse is not always true.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Right, but Kosher is mainly a way of preparation and does not eliminate entire food groups. Vegan eliminates many major foods that the majority of the population eats.

I'm curious to hear if the OP's FI is Vegan too, or if she is just imposing her own beliefs on their wedding and not accomodating her FIs.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegan-wedding-yikes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:072c9a05-2083-4530-be36-f20f7acd85c0Post:4ebea3b7-200c-459d-9280-ab628884623b">Re: Vegan wedding! Yikes!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vegan wedding! Yikes! : I eat lunch at 1 in the afternoon, that's a mealtime for me so I would be annoyed by that.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

It's meal time for me too.

But yeah, I meant I would prefer to attend an afternoon dessert wedding than a 8pm dessert wedding.  

lyndausvi

I have know idea why I'm always centered.   Stupid computer.

CrazyCatLady3

At my wedding I will not be serving any pork, not because I am kosher or halal, but because the pork industry is the cruelest of all the meat industries and is horrendously pollutive to the environment. 

http://www.thescavenger.net/environment/us-hog-farm-pollution-threatens-human-health-and-the-environment-796.html

I'm telling my caterer to take the bacon out of the mashed potato bar, no pork products at the antipasto station, etc.  If people want to eat pork they can have it on their own dime, but i am not supporting the industry by paying for it.  So I totally see why the OP wouldn't want to pay for non-vegan food.

I have actually had some really delicious vegan cakes; you can't even tell they're vegan.  You can also add fruit, veggies, and savory items like bruschetta with olive oil and fresh tomatoes, veggie spring rolls/dumplings, hummus and pita chips, falafel balls and sushi rolls with veggies/without the fish.  Here are some other options:

http://www.marthastewart.com/856365/vegan-appetizer-recipes/@center/852566/vegetarian-recipes#261090

CrazyCatLady3

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegan-wedding-yikes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:072c9a05-2083-4530-be36-f20f7acd85c0Post:c05ef363-eb98-41de-8278-2d909ca5290d">Re:Vegan wedding! Yikes!</a>:
<strong>[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Vegan wedding! Yikes! : Right, but Kosher is mainly a way of preparation and does not eliminate entire food groups. Vegan eliminates many major foods that the majority of the population eats. </strong><div>
</div><div>She's not asking them to become vegan for life; she's just not serving meat/dairy on her dime for one night. We don't tell people having dry weddings for religious reasons or whatever that they are "imposing" their beliefs on their guests.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegan-wedding-yikes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:072c9a05-2083-4530-be36-f20f7acd85c0Post:c270f4f7-41d5-4d5e-bbdf-188fc255d064">Re: Vegan wedding! Yikes!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vegan wedding! Yikes! : It's meal time for me too. But yeah, I meant I would prefer to attend an afternoon dessert wedding than a 8pm dessert wedding.  
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
That makes sense, I guess. I'm just the opposite lol.

And your posts don't look centered to me, so quit worrying! :)

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegan-wedding-yikes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:072c9a05-2083-4530-be36-f20f7acd85c0Post:7f60b177-6ad3-4d15-8be4-1ede62e2ba09">Re: Vegan wedding! Yikes!</a>:
[QUOTE]At my wedding I will not be serving any pork, not because I am kosher or halal, but because the pork industry is the cruelest of all the meat industries and is horrendously pollutive to the environment.  <a href="http://www.thescavenger.net/environment/us-hog-farm-pollution-threatens-human-health-and-the-environment-796.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.thescavenger.net/environment/us-hog-farm-pollution-threatens-human-health-and-the-environment-796.html</a> I'm telling my caterer to take the bacon out of the mashed potato bar, no pork products at the antipasto station, etc.  If people want to eat pork they can have it on their own dime, but i am not supporting the industry by paying for it.  So I totally see why the OP wouldn't want to pay for non-vegan food. I have actually had some really delicious vegan cakes; you can't even tell they're vegan.  <strong>You can also add fruit, veggies, and savory items like bruschetta with olive oil and fresh tomatoes, veggie spring rolls/dumplings, hummus and pita chips, falafel balls and sushi rolls with veggies/without the fish.</strong>  Here are some other options: <a href="http://www.marthastewart.com/856365/vegan-appetizer-recipes/@center/852566/vegetarian-recipes#261090" rel="nofollow">http://www.marthastewart.com/856365/vegan-appetizer-recipes/@center/852566/vegetarian-recipes#261090</a>
Posted by CrazyCatLady3[/QUOTE]

Not having pork in no way compares to eliminating anything containing or derived from seafood, dairy, eggs, and meats.

I'm not trying to be insensitive...it's just that my DH and lots of people I know don't like veggies and tofu.

emilykathleen511

OP, at the bottom of the invite, or on the reception insert if you have one, just word it something like this:

"Dessert reception immediately following ceremony"
or
"Cocktails, dessert, and dancing to follow"
or
"Light refreshments to follow" 

This way your guests will know to eat beforehand.

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegan-wedding-yikes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:072c9a05-2083-4530-be36-f20f7acd85c0Post:a9c90530-e4d1-443f-8bd4-b9e078ebf78b">Re:Vegan wedding! Yikes!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Vegan wedding! Yikes! : This is 100% spot on.  I have many vegetarian friends who believe meat is murder. They do not shove this belief down my throat, but I would never  expect them to buy or prepare meat for me at an event that they were hosting. 
Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

But I believe that meat is tasty....and I still have to accomodate vegetarians at my events even though I think veggies are gross and can't tolerate soy products...

Elminating major food groups is rude to guests who eat those major food groups.

Peledreamsofrain

It's just that things can get obnoxious if the event is supposed to be moral and ethical via food. I mean, if it's about food ethics being important, then why not ensure all growers of the vegetables used sustainable farming, aren't growing on stolen lands from the native americans, etc etc etc. I get where she's coming from, and I personally have eaten and enjoyed vegan food, but some people seriously don't and may have unknown allergies to food substitutes like lavendar that are used in vegan food. It's just a mess, and doesn't seem kind to guests. I do like the compromise of cutting out the meal and keeping it to appetizers and/or desserts. That way people don't go hungry and just abandon the reception in search of McDonalds.

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegan-wedding-yikes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:072c9a05-2083-4530-be36-f20f7acd85c0Post:7181fd04-c8f3-49b6-a1f4-c4b8afaf2b83">Re:Vegan wedding! Yikes!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Vegan wedding! Yikes!: You're being ridiculous, and i get the feeling you just hate vegans honestly. It's less about it being gross and more about it being morally abhorrent. If you had a guest that was a cannibal at your wedding, no one would expect you to serve human flesh to satisfy them. They may serve human flesh at their wedding, but we would expect them to serve you something else so you could eat SOMETHING. You CAN eat veggies, you just don't like to.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

And bringing up cannibalism isn't ridiculous. Okay then.

Being Vegan is a lifestyle. I don't think it should be forced down the throats of the normal world who prefers other foods.

Religious issues (Kosher, Hindu, etc) are a completely separate category to lifestyle issues.

daria24

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegan-wedding-yikes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:072c9a05-2083-4530-be36-f20f7acd85c0Post:63c48e02-a0d2-4966-a523-02d7d1e86db8">Re:Vegan wedding! Yikes!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Vegan wedding! Yikes! : But I believe that meat is tasty....and I still have to accomodate vegetarians at my events even though I think veggies are gross and can't tolerate soy products... Elminating major food groups is rude to guests who eat those major food groups.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

<div>First, if you keep strict kosher you ARE eliminating entire food groups (either avoiding all meat, or all dairy at a reception). You can't serve cheese + crackers at the cocktail hour, and then have a steak for dinner. </div><div>
</div><div>Second, your attitude is obnoxious right now. A preference is completely different from a moral belief/way of living.  We often tell posters to treat a reception as if you were serving a meal at your home (ie to explain why cash bars are rude, it's rude for the WP to get better food, etc). <span style="font-size:11px;line-height:14px;">Would you expect a vegan to cook + serve ribs at her home just because her guests like bbq?</span></div><div><span style="font-size:11px;line-height:14px;">
</span></div><div><span style="font-size:11px;line-height:14px;">OP-i would try to find more common foods that are "naturaully" vegan. My family would run screaming from tofu and seitan, but if you put out crudites with a vinegar based dressing, spring rolls, hummus + crackers, fruit + (vegan) chocolate dip, etc they wouldn't bat an eyelash. Also seriously consider vegan donuts, they are the best vegan dessert I have ever had, and I really can't tell the difference. </span></div>

CrazyCatLady3

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vegan-wedding-yikes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:072c9a05-2083-4530-be36-f20f7acd85c0Post:ca0f57a5-4e07-4e47-86f7-8fa46a9d4ea3">Re:Vegan wedding! Yikes!</a>:
[QUOTE]It's just that things can get obnoxious if the event is supposed to be moral and ethical via food. I mean, if it's about food ethics being important, then why not ensure all growers of the vegetables used sustainable farming, aren't growing on stolen lands from the native americans, etc etc etc. I get where she's coming from, and I personally have eaten and enjoyed vegan food,<strong> but some people seriously don't and may have unknown allergies to food substitutes like lavendar that are used in vegan food. </strong>It's just a mess, and doesn't seem kind to guests. I do like the compromise of cutting out the meal and keeping it to appetizers and/or desserts. That way people don't go hungry and just abandon the reception in search of McDonalds.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

<div>Um, lavender is not all over vegan food.  My sis is vegan and I've never heard of her using levander in anything.  Do you know that pasta is vegan?  Tomato sauce?  salad?  I'm pretty sure those are all things that non-vegans eat all the time and could handle having for dinner one night.  If there was a bride on a very small budget, would we tell her it was inconsiderate to her guests to serve just pasta and salad for dinner with no meat to keep costs down?</div>

SJM7538

In Response to Re:Vegan wedding! Yikes!:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Vegan wedding! Yikes!:In Response to Re:Vegan wedding! Yikes!: You're being ridiculous, and i get the feeling you just hate vegans honestly. It's less about it being gross and more about it being morally abhorrent. If you had a guest that was a cannibal at your wedding, no one would expect you to serve human flesh to satisfy them. They may serve human flesh at their wedding, but we would expect them to serve you something else so you could eat SOMETHING. You CAN eat veggies, you just don't like to.Posted by StageManager14And bringing up cannibalism isn't ridiculous. Okay then.Being Vegan is a lifestyle. I don't think it should be forced down the throats of the normal world who prefers other foods.Religious issues Kosher, Hindu, etc are a completely separate category to lifestyle issues. Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

I get where you're Coming from. I'd probably be annoyed if I got an invite to a wedding and was only given vegan options but I wouldn't want someone to give up their morals just bc I didn't think I could go one meal without meat so I would deal with it.

I think OP is providing a good
Alternative with a dessert reception so she doesn't offend her guests which is great. I think the only issue problem that could come into play is if her fianc is not vegan bc it's his day as well.

pumpkin314159

Thanks again, everyone who replied...even the people who think my hosting a vegan wedding is a terribly idea. I know at least some of my guests may feel that way, so I think it's a valid perspective to hear. I'm very glad, though, to see that there are a lot of people who understand it's a moral decision, and I hope most of my guests will see that, too. Hopefully they'll be having so much fun and enjoying the snacks and desserts so much they won't care! I really appreciate all your input. We're still in the early planning stages, so I'll poll the "VIPs" and see whether a early afternoon or late evening event would be better. Also, I appreciate the reminder about food allergies. I will definitely make sure we have allergen information posted or available. And someone mentioned fresh fruit...that is definitely going to be included in the dessert...maybe a sorbet sundae bar as well. And thank you for the ideas on savory appetizers. AND the reminder to post on the invite "dessert reception to follow." You all are full of incredibly helpful ideas! Oh, and to respond to the question of whether SO is vegan: no. But SO loves my vegan cooking and is also very lactose intolerant so we eat vegan at home almost all the time. It's never been a matter of forcing our view on one another. We just respect each other enough to support each other even when we disagree. For example, SO is the one who wanted a very traditional religious wedding ceremony. And I wanted a vegan reception. We each acquiesced to what was important to the other. Personally, I think that bodes well for our relationship. Thanks again, everyone!