Wedding Etiquette Forum

ettiquette seems to vary by region

it is really fun to read some of these posts.  i am in the midwest and it seems here weddings are more laid back.  i have been to tons of weddings with no drining, dancing, and sometimes (GASP) a carry in dinner.

each time i strongly disagree with a poster, they seem to be from a big city or east or west coast.

just thought this was a fun topic.

Re: ettiquette seems to vary by region

  • Customs change by area but etiquette does not.

    There is spellcheck here if you hadn't noticed.
  • LP11509LP11509 member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited July 2010
    FWIW, I was born and raised in the midwest (have lived in IL, IA, IN, and OH at various points of my life).  I can only think of one wedding I went to without drinking/dancing, and it was due to the couples religion.  And I've NEVER been to a wedding with a 'carry in" dinner.  I'm assuming you meant a potluck kind of thing by that? 

    Actually, every wedding I've been to in the midwest has followed etiquette fairly well.  The one I can think of that didn't was here in DC, where I live now.  Go figure.

    ETA: My wedding is also in IN.
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  • What is a carry-in dinner?
  • I don't think etiquette and common courtesy necessarily varies by region, but I absolutely think social norms and what is considered "acceptible" varies by region.

    I am also from the midwest. I have been to MANY weddings with no drinking or dancing. I have only been to three weddings in my life with an open bar (one of which was mine). I have seen the dollar dance more times than I can count, and I never recall seeing anyone act visibly put off by it. In fact, I didn't even know to be offended by these things until I came to The Knot.

    I don't know...it's an endless debate. No one from an area where these things are taboo is ever going to be convinced that is really is acceptible in some  places/social circles. Meh.
  • I think it is true that it's not so much that etiquette varies by region, but what is acceptable does... I think that makes more sense in my head. ANYWAY...


    In my "region" or "circle" or what ever you want to call it, it's understood that the MOH hosts the bridal shower. I didn't even know that wasn't true etiquette until I started coming to TK.
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  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    I've lived in the south, midwest, north and now the east coast.  The only thing that is regional is which rules of etiquette it is okay to break.  I've learned on these boards that what I grew up with (especially with invitation wording and addressing invites) was wrong.
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    AKA GoodLuckBear14
  • I agree- customs and traditions vary- etiquette does not.
  • what the 'norm' is... varies by region. 

    example.-my parents hosted an engagement party for us.  Nothing crazy, 4hour party,  buffet dinner, open bar w/a DJ at a local restaurant where my family hosts LOTS of functions. (I call it a whole in the wall) whenever we're there I always say...HELLO!?! 1962 called...they want there decorations back, because the decor hasn't changed since they opened there doors.  

    BUT!  When my FI's parents attended (they are from a relatively small town in Ohio) his Mom said to me.."WOW! this is what a wedding would be like back home"  then she commented 'oh my garsh (thats how she says it...lol) you guys really didn't get a lot of gifts (the gift table had about 5 items on it, guest list hovered around 80 people) and thats when FI took her around the dais and pulled a STACK of envelopes out of my pocketbook, her faced dropped!  She couldn't believe how many people gave $$$, but thats how it is around here.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • What is considered acceptable might vary by circle, but it really annoys me when people try to paint the whole area of the country with a broad brush.  I grew up in the Midwest (not in Chicago), and have never been to a wedding that was potluck or that had a cash bar, I have never seen a dollar dance, or any of these other things that people try to say are "just done" in the Midwest.
    Married 10/2/10
  • Maybe I missed something but when is it bad etiquette for the MOH to host the bridal shower? Mine did...

    (In response to Simply Fated)
  • I don't think its ever good etiquette (or taste) to have well-dressed guests bring a dish to a wedding.  I am from Michigan, currently living in Minnesota and getting married in Illinois, with a fiance from Wisconsin.  I think i've got the Midwest covered and I've never been to a "carry-in" or pot-luck reception or a cash bar wedding.


    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ettiquette-seems-vary-region?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:086358d9-7919-411a-81a5-d4399006c066Post:246f0dc5-8421-432e-abd6-81e3dd273761">Re: ettiquette seems to vary by region</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe I missed something but when is it bad etiquette for the MOH to host the bridal shower? Mine did... (In response to Simply Fated)
    Posted by Calumet[/QUOTE]

    I don't think she said it was bad etiquette, I think what she's saying is that she has come to realize that having your MOH host the shower is not a true etiquette rule.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Ok - so how about we say that in certain areas of certain regions, some things are more acceptible that others?  Here in Springfield, MO it is not uncommon to go to a wedding with a cash bar. I'm not saying this is a hard and fast rule obviously, because like I said, I did not have a cash bar. I'm just saying that most people I know wouldn't really bat an eye if they went to a wedding and it had a cash bar.

    But I would agree that it does boil down even more to norms within social circles, not necessarily regions.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ettiquette-seems-vary-region?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:086358d9-7919-411a-81a5-d4399006c066Post:82b70662-ae2e-4c17-87e1-ab8d89afd2cd">Re: ettiquette seems to vary by region</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: ettiquette seems to vary by region : I don't think she said it was bad etiquette, I think what she's saying is that she has come to realize that having your MOH host the shower is not a true etiquette rule.
    Posted by bheartsb[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, I meant that although in my area MOH is synonymous with Bridal Shower Host, it's not actually a rule or prope rrule of etiquette  or anything.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ettiquette-seems-vary-region?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:086358d9-7919-411a-81a5-d4399006c066Post:dbcadb70-1278-4373-a250-80425ed93286">Re: ettiquette seems to vary by region</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: ettiquette seems to vary by region : Yeah, I meant that although in my area MOH is synonymous with Bridal Shower Host, it's not actually a rule or prope rrule of etiquette  or anything.
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]


    I agree.  The same for myself + my 'circle'.  However, my FMIL hosted 2 showers forme in my FI's hometown, and my mom wants to host my local shower.  But both my Matron + Maid of honor (along with the 1 bm that lives locally) did offer to host the shower, but since my mom WANTS to host it, I simply asked them to help my mom with the details (she's not very good with that kinda' stuff)
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    Also OP, I will say that every time I've been called out for being wrong, I've checked Emily Post's website and found out 100% of the time that I was indeed wrong.
    image
    AKA GoodLuckBear14
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ettiquette-seems-vary-region?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:086358d9-7919-411a-81a5-d4399006c066Post:53297c8a-6d50-4cf1-8ef3-430cd8bc8268">ettiquette seems to vary by region</a>:
    [QUOTE]it is really fun to read some of these posts.  i am in the midwest and it seems here weddings are more laid back.  i have been to tons of weddings with no drining, dancing, and sometimes (GASP) a carry in dinner. each time i strongly disagree with a poster, they seem to be from a big city or east or west coast. just thought this was a fun topic.
    Posted by ipen44[/QUOTE]

    I'm from/in Indiana too and I know what you mean.  I wouldn't say it's etiquette that varies, more it's tradition/customs that vary.  For example, in my part of Indiana, dollar dances are totally normal and at a LOT of weddings.  Here on the Knot, "everyone" hates them and thinks they are so tacky.  Cash bars are fairly common here too, and again most people on the Knot will tell you they're horrible and tacky.  When it comes to thinks like that, I often say that if your circle of family and friends are used to something then it won't be a big shocker to them and you have some leeway in whether to do it or not.
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Just for the record I am not having a carry i dinner : )  I have seen it done.  I have also seen the family cook and serve everything.

    I didnt notice the spell check and that is not a major issue for me a forum--I already finished with work today.  Funny how the folks more worried about "proper etiquette" are most often the rudest.  I thought the idea was a standard where people can respect and treat everyone well.

    I just have an overall impression that these "rules" are really weighing everyone down--the shoulds and the oughts.  Just respect others, try to make a nice day of it and get ready for your future.  Half of us will be divorced in 10 years and all of the etiquette in the world will not change that.  Careful attention to the commitment you are about to make will help. 

    I think it is  a good point that is may be more by custom or circle.  My family is very religious and to be drunk at your wedding would be unacceptable.
  • Hmm.  My family and DH's family are very religious too. 

    And it's not really a great idea to be drunk at your own wedding but that has nothing to do with our faith and everything to do with being a gracious bride and groom.

    We wouldn't have dreamed of a dry wedding though.  Jesus turned water into wine!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ettiquette-seems-vary-region?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:086358d9-7919-411a-81a5-d4399006c066Post:9fec13a0-c1d0-4461-b9d5-977dec241b47">Re: ettiquette seems to vary by region</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hmm.  My family and DH's family are very religious too.  And it's not really a great idea to be drunk at your own wedding but that has nothing to do with our faith and everything to do with being a gracious bride and groom. We wouldn't have dreamed of a dry wedding though.  Jesus turned water into wine!
    Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

         Keep in mind, not everyone follows the same religion... :)
       I agree that the rules seem to just keep everyone down. I think there is a huge difference between doing things your way and being completely rude, altho people can cross the line. Sometimes people freak out over the smallest of things. I also find it pretty damned funny that people on an etiquette board act so rude!! Whatever happened to "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?" There is a big difference between being helpful and offering advice and being a b!tch.
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  • Nope, etiquette does not vary by region, just people's adherence to it, or lack there of.

    I think in some circles, certain rules of etiquette are over looked, and that is socially acceptable within that circle, but the rules still exist. They don't change.
    Photobucket
  • No offense meant on the alcohol issue.  Debate about this issue will not solved anytime soon.  I grew up about as close to amish as one could get so it is not customary to have ay alcohol at all at weddings.  In fact, I was 27 before I went to a wedding that had a cash bar, toast, and dancing.

    Nothing wrong with a drink from time to time (the bible only says not to get drunk).  Just that my nearly amish family and his would be totally offended by the presence of alcohol.  Luckily, both of our families are in agreement.  I have had friends who married someone out of our religious persuasion who have had knock down drag out over champagne!
  • bheartsbbheartsb member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited July 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ettiquette-seems-vary-region?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:086358d9-7919-411a-81a5-d4399006c066Post:e888da36-0340-4887-aa0d-81ac18d52d43">Re: ettiquette seems to vary by region</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: ettiquette seems to vary by region :      Keep in mind, not everyone follows the same religion... :)    I agree that the rules seem to just keep everyone down. I think there is a huge difference between doing things your way and being completely rude, altho people can cross the line. Sometimes people freak out over the smallest of things. I also find it pretty damned funny that people on an etiquette board act so rude!! Whatever happened to <strong><u>"if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?"</u></strong> There is a big difference between being helpful and offering advice and being a b!tch.
    Posted by cnbrantner[/QUOTE]


    If TK had a 'like' button like FB does, I would definitely 'like' this sentiment!
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ettiquette-seems-vary-region?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:086358d9-7919-411a-81a5-d4399006c066Post:5c6c2f95-94f5-4537-a66d-2347ff59f143">Re: ettiquette seems to vary by region</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: ettiquette seems to vary by region : If TK had a 'like' button like FB does, I would definitely 'like' this sentiment!
    Posted by bheartsb[/QUOTE]

         sometimes i'm just dying for a like button on tk
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  • I still don't know what a carry-in dinner is....was that ever explained?
    **i'm a little drunk on you and high on summertime** Photobucket
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ettiquette-seems-vary-region?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:086358d9-7919-411a-81a5-d4399006c066Post:3a41c193-76e9-4e94-9569-99e3727e76c9">Re: ettiquette seems to vary by region</a>:
    [QUOTE]I still don't know what a carry-in dinner is....was that ever explained?
    Posted by twilight.rose[/QUOTE]

    I'm gonna' go with...potluck, or BYOD-bring your own dinner.  Final answer (I think)
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • "Rules weighing people down..."

    Really?  And here I though they were helpful, since they keep people from looking like assholes.  That's the whole point - not offend people.  But if that's too much trouble, by all means, break the rules.  People WILL judge you, though.

    By the way, what does "nearly Amish" mean?  Do you just follow the Amish rules you like, and ditch the rest?
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  • I live in the NY area, and would never hold anyone to the ridiculous "rules" we do here out of the area.  We do everything bigger, if we can.  Showers cost $2K, weddings cost a lot.  It's just how it is.  

    But it doesn't mean I judge how other people do their weddings. Even in the NY area.
    I get a little jealous when people talk about a catering place that's $50/pp.  That would be a Wednesday night in January here!!!

    But, we chose to be here, and we're choosing to have a moderate NY wedding.  All about choice and priorities, and still staying within regional acceptance and general etiquitte.
  • Yes, the carry in is the pot luck. 


    Myother1 I am going to say nothing at all ; ) 

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ettiquette-seems-vary-region?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:086358d9-7919-411a-81a5-d4399006c066Post:e888da36-0340-4887-aa0d-81ac18d52d43">Re: ettiquette seems to vary by region</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: ettiquette seems to vary by region :      Keep in mind, not everyone follows the same religion... :)    I agree that the rules seem to just keep everyone down. I think there is a huge difference between doing things your way and being completely rude, altho people can cross the line. Sometimes people freak out over the smallest of things. I also find it pretty damned funny that people on an etiquette board act so rude!! Whatever happened to "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?" There is a big difference between being helpful and offering advice and being a b!tch.
    Posted by cnbrantner[/QUOTE]

    That's my point :-)

    To say, "We're religious and don't drink," as a blanket statment can come across as defensive if you don't state the faith. 

    For example, I've seen on here the phrase, "We're Christian and don't drink," and the statement implies that a true Christian does not drink.  The statement however is incorrect as many forms of Christianity are not against alcohol at all.  It's just a small peeve of mine.  I'm not  against those who say they don't drink for religious reasons - just be a bit more specific about it. :-)
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