How to get around Absentee MOH

thurmanpowell

So my MOH has been pretty MIA the entire wedding process, which has been fine. She's OOT, so I didn't really expect her to make it every vennue walk through or things like that. As has been repeated here, all she really needs to do is buy her dress and show up to the wedding on time.

She has however, offered to throw my bachlorette party. Normally this would be great news, but she hasn't done a very good job of this. In fact, my other bridesmaids and a SUPER helpful friend (seriously, I'll have to get her a gift too after all this, lol) have already planned what sounds like the PERFECT party for me. I've tried to get my MOH in touch with them a few times (different friend circles, they don't directly know each other), and each time she'll send one email then disappears.

I know she's SUPER busy, and I respect that. I won't be offended at all if the party planning doesn't come from her. How do I tell her this?

I suspect that part of the reason she wants to do this so badly is that she hasn't been a big part of some of the other wedding things (since again, she's OOT). How do I respect that, and also greenlight the party everyone else has planned for?

thurmanpowell

I should also add that this party would be in about 6 weeks from now, so this is something I need to resolve soon!

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:05fe1456-a5f8-4f9e-8d1d-c88717c207a1">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]Keep your nose out of it.  You have given everyone the other's contact information.  It is out of your hands.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]


I think you're answering the wrong question... I'm not asking how to get them in contact with each other, I'm asking how to get my MOH to stop feeling like she has to take things on herself that she probably won't be able to achieve.

Loopyseven

I agree with Crfb.  They have each other's contact information.  Your MOH volunteered.  It it up to her to make the arrangements with or without help.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:8be0489b-0fad-4353-9de5-80144853dada">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>6 weeks is a really long time</strong>. You do not need to resolve anything.  It is not your problem.  Keep your nose out of it.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]


I disagree. It wouldn't be a "everyone go to the bar we always go to" party, arrangements with vendors have to be made, invitations have to be sent out, and due to some people's work schedules people need advance notice to request off.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:09641355-9a99-436b-969c-0989e90a8fd7">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get around Absentee MOH : Keep your nose out of it.  <strong>If she ends up being able to do something, awesome.  If not, fine.</strong>  Don't put any pressure on her one way or another.  If you say that you don't want her to take something on, then <strong>she might feel like you don't really want her involved at all</strong>. Just let everything go.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]


All she needs to do is approve the party that's already been planned. I DON'T really want her to do anything because there's nothing else to do. My question is how to tell her that.

Fancypantsamy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:c63c603e-043a-4793-a3ea-8f8e8816d162">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get around Absentee MOH :<strong> All she needs to do is approve the party that's already been planned.</strong> I DON'T really want her to do anything because there's nothing else to do. My question is how to tell her that.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This isn't an inter-office procedure. This is a party. Just as how the MOH really doesn't have any responsibilities other than to buy the dress and show up, she doesn't have any veto power, she doesn't need to sign off on anything. Just tell the other girls to plan the party however they want, and if your MOH says anything just say that she seemed really busy so they just pulled it together, and tell her not to worry about it. </div><div>
</div><div>This is really a non issue. Just chill out and it won't be a problem.</div>

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:c63c603e-043a-4793-a3ea-8f8e8816d162">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get around Absentee MOH : All she needs to do is approve the party that's already been planned. I DON'T really want her to do anything because there's nothing else to do. My question is how to tell her that.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

<div>You don't. She wanted to plan your party.  Let her plan it.</div>

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:79c3eb82-784d-4d70-94a1-5822fa1a46db">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get around Absentee MOH : This isn't an inter-office procedure. This is a party. Just as how the MOH really doesn't have any responsibilities other than to buy the dress and show up, she doesn't have any veto power, she doesn't need to sign off on anything. <strong>Just tell the other girls to plan the party however they want, and if your MOH says anything just say that she seemed really busy so they just pulled it together, and tell her not to worry about it. </strong> This is really a non issue. Just chill out and it won't be a problem.
Posted by Fancypantsamy[/QUOTE]


This is exactly where we are. I'm asking for feedback on how to do this without making her feel excluded (although yes, she basically has excluded herself from the planning process).


Basically... how do I phrase it?  It seems rude to ignore it and have everyone else throw a party without giving my MOH a heads up that that's going to occur.  I don't want to wait until she asks to throw it in her face then like, "Oh yeah, you did say you were going to help with that. You seemed busy so everyone else did it instead."

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:323fcbb5-13d2-4c2f-af4c-8cad22706eb8">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get around Absentee MOH : This is exactly where we are. I'm asking for feedback on how to do this without making her feel excluded (although yes, she basically has excluded herself from the planning process). Basically... how do I phrase it?  It seems rude to ignore it and have everyone else throw a party without giving my MOH a heads up that that's going to occur.  I don't want to wait until she asks to throw it in her face then like, "Oh yeah, you did say you were going to help with that. You seemed busy so everyone else did it instead."
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

<div>You leave it alone.  Seriously.  You will offend her - this is basically a "I wanted a party and you weren't planning it well enough so I had my other friends do it instead."  </div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:c63c603e-043a-4793-a3ea-8f8e8816d162">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get around Absentee MOH : All she needs to do is approve the party that's already been planned. I DON'T really want her to do anything because there's nothing else to do. My question is how to tell her that.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

You don't. It's not a party you're throwing. Your other friends have it handled. THEY get in contact with her. In the end, if she's not responding, THEY decide to move forward without her, or not. You don't have to address this at all. IF she comes to you and says she hurt because other people planned a party for you, you can tell her you are very sorry, but she needs to take it up with them.

Since she is OOT and so busy, it's perfectly understandable that other people took on this job. No worries.

Fancypantsamy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:323fcbb5-13d2-4c2f-af4c-8cad22706eb8">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get around Absentee MOH : This is exactly where we are. I'm asking for feedback on how to do this without making her feel excluded (although yes, she basically has excluded herself from the planning process). Basically... how do I phrase it?  It seems rude to ignore it and have everyone else throw a party without giving my MOH a heads up that that's going to occur. <strong> I don't want to wait until she asks to throw it in her face then like, "Oh yeah, you did say you were going to help with that. You seemed busy so everyone else did it instead."</strong>
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Personally I'd just let the other girls invite her and then say that it's really nice that they planned the party, and isn't that great, since she's so busy she can just relax and enjoy it - maybe mention if she acts concerned that you didn't ask her to be MOH because she's a party planner, you asked her because she's your friend. One of my BMs got left out of the planning process for my Shower/Bachelorette because she was too busy, and I think she was just relieved when I said after the fact that it was okay, she seemed busy, being in my wedding is supposed ot be an honor not a job. </div><div>
</div><div>I guess preempting it would strike me as you're trying to guilt her into planning it, which isn't what you're doing, and seems slighlty dramatic. If it isn't a big deal, don't make it a big deal, or maybe just say to her "Hey listen, I know you're really busy, and the other girls have planned this, which is great, since you don't have to worry about it. Why don't we grab dinner or something sometime this week?" - keep it simple. </div>

Fancypantsamy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:f7f3eac9-9385-4216-82dd-e65b0dbdc140">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get around Absentee MOH : You don't. It's not a party you're throwing. Your other friends have it handled. THEY get in contact with her. In the end, if she's not responding, THEY decide to move forward without her, or not. You don't have to address this at all. IF she comes to you and says she hurt because other people planned a party for you, you can tell her you are very sorry, but she needs to take it up with them. Since she is OOT and so busy, it's perfectly understandable that other people took on this job. No worries.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Actually forget my most recent post. I totally second what msmerymac said. </div>

peekaboo2011

Fancy, please stop.

OP - your MOH wanted to plan your Bach party.  I don't care who else is making plans, I would honestly tell them, "I think this is great, but Suzie really wanted to plan this, and I think she'd be hurt if we went ahead with this instead."  Your MOH should be your best friend.  Think of how you would feel if you really wanted to do something, and someone else pulled the carpet out from underneath you because they didn't think you were capable of doing it.

Fancypantsamy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:5191bc35-7cfc-4976-b668-f0c0d939dbe4">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Fancy, please stop.</strong> OP - your MOH wanted to plan your Bach party.  I don't care who else is making plans, I would honestly tell them, "I think this is great, but Suzie really wanted to plan this, and I think she'd be hurt if we went ahead with this instead."  Your MOH should be your best friend.  Think of how you would feel if you really wanted to do something, and someone else pulled the carpet out from underneath you because they didn't think you were capable of doing it.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Please stop what? </div>

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:f7f3eac9-9385-4216-82dd-e65b0dbdc140">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get around Absentee MOH : You don't. It's not a party you're throwing. Your other friends have it handled. THEY get in contact with her. In the end, if she's not responding, THEY decide to move forward without her, or not. You don't have to address this at all.<strong> IF she comes to you and says she hurt because other people planned a party for you, you can tell her you are very sorry, but she needs to take it up with them.</strong> Since she is OOT and so busy, it's perfectly understandable that other people took on this job. No worries.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]


Not taking issue with the rest of your advice, but this bolded part seems really passive agressive. I am not at all a passive agressive person. Clearly, I'm here posting this thread because I don't trust that she will plan anything, it seems disingenious to tell her to take that up with others.

That why I I feel the need to address it now, as well. I know the world hasn't ended and I'm not suggesting this is a huge deal. I just want to avoid hurt feelings and confrontation in the future, especially when this is something I see happening right now. The hope was that someone had been in a similar situation, had repsonded in a more direct fashion and was willing to offer advice.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:5191bc35-7cfc-4976-b668-f0c0d939dbe4">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]Fancy, please stop. OP - your MOH wanted to plan your Bach party.  I don't care who else is making plans, I would honestly tell them, <strong>"I think this is great, but Suzie really wanted to plan this, and I think she'd be hurt if we went ahead with this instead."  </strong>Your MOH should be your best friend.  Think of how you would feel if you really wanted to do something, and someone else pulled the carpet out from underneath you because they didn't think you were capable of doing it.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]


Half of that is what happened, it was like, "I think this is great, but Suzie really wanted to plan this, Here let me get you guys in contact." Suzie cannot be contacted.

I get what you're saying, but roles reversed, I'd be grateful if this happened to me. My MOH is in the mist of 3 jobs, grad school, a bunch of certification stuff for her job and buying a house. It's meant that she's been completely MIA for much of the process (as in MONTHS at a time). I'm still trying to get confirmation that she's ordered her dress (she went to a store that I have had no contact with in another city). I understand that she feels like she needs to do something "bridesmaid-y" to make up for all this, but I don't need her too. Not just because I don't need her help with this particular thing, but also because I really truly don't want her to kill herself trying to do everything.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:be08288e-cd7b-4272-a1e9-0d463aa4415f">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]No one has been in this situation because they all realize that is would be best to keep their damn nose out of it! LET IT THE EFF GO.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]


I'm sorry I've chosen not to take your advice, but don't take that offensively.

Peledreamsofrain

If you insist on wading into this though it's really not your place, I would suggest that you approach it at an angle. Say something like: "Hi Anne, I was talking to Christy yesterday, and she started talking about bachelorette party plans. I wanted to make sure she was including you, since you said you wanted to be involved..." Not ideal, but at leastyou dont look like you are pressuring her, and open the door for her to confess she's too busy.

Fancypantsamy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:be08288e-cd7b-4272-a1e9-0d463aa4415f">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]No one has been in this situation because they all realize that is would be best to keep their damn nose out of it! LET IT THE EFF GO.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>crfb, you do realize how unintentionally hilarious it is that you're freaking out on someone for not taking your advice... to let something go? I see you have a really easy time letting it go, haha. </div><div>
</div><div>Don't let people on the internet get you like that. </div>

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:18f783d4-af2d-4af6-a885-b66b5ba56836">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get around Absentee MOH : Half of that is what happened, it was like, "I think this is great, but Suzie really wanted to plan this, Here let me get you guys in contact." Suzie cannot be contacted. I get what you're saying, but roles reversed, I'd be grateful if this happened to me. My MOH is in the mist of 3 jobs, grad school, a bunch of certification stuff for her job and buying a house. It's meant that she's been completely MIA for much of the process (as in MONTHS at a time). I'm still trying to get confirmation that she's ordered her dress (she went to a store that I have had no contact with in another city). I understand that she feels like she needs to do something "bridesmaid-y" to make up for all this, but I don't need her too. Not just because I don't need her help with this particular thing, but also because I really truly don't want her to kill herself trying to do everything.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

<div>I would be seriously offended if I were your MOH.  Back off, let her deal with it in her own time.  She will.  Your best friend will make it happen for you, and if she doesn't, so what?  It's a party.  It's not your friendship.  It doesn't matter in the long run.  All she has to do is show up in her dress.  Anything else is extra.</div><div>
</div><div>And by telling her that you don't want her to plan it, that comes off like you're a spoiled brat and her party isn't good enough for you.</div>

Fancypantsamy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:18f783d4-af2d-4af6-a885-b66b5ba56836">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get around Absentee MOH : Half of that is what happened, it was like, "I think this is great, but Suzie really wanted to plan this, Here let me get you guys in contact." Suzie cannot be contacted. I get what you're saying, but roles reversed, I'd be grateful if this happened to me. My MOH is in the mist of 3 jobs, grad school, a bunch of certification stuff for her job and buying a house. It's meant that she's been completely MIA for much of the process (as in MONTHS at a time). I'm still trying to get confirmation that she's ordered her dress (she went to a store that I have had no contact with in another city). I understand that she feels like she needs to do something "bridesmaid-y" to make up for all this, but I don't need her too. Not just because I don't need her help with this particular thing, but also because I really truly don't want her to kill herself trying to do everything.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Now, you know how I feel about it, but I can respect that you want to take a direct approach. How about this:</div><div>
</div><div>"Hey Suzy, Jessica and Lauren have planned a bachelorette party for me. I was thinking this is great because you're really busy - I mean seriously, I get tired just thinking about three jobs, not including all of the other things. I know you were thinking about planning something, but I feel too bad being another burden in your life - why don't you just unwind at the party with me? Don't worry, obviously you're still my MOH - it's a title and honor for a best friend, not a summons to become an impromptu party planner." - obviously reworded so that it sounds like you, but covering all of the bases. Basically you want to make the following points:</div><div>
</div><div>- You know she's busy</div><div>- Someone else is planning the party</div><div>- You're not mad and she's still obviously the MOH</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

KellyBrian2013

In Response to Re:How to get around Absentee MOH:[QUOTE]Now, you know how I feel about it, but I can respect that you want to take a direct approach. How about this:"Hey Suzy, Jessica and Lauren have planned a bachelorette party for me. I was thinking this is great because you're really busy I mean seriously, I get tired just thinking about three jobs, not including all of the other things. I know you were thinking about planning something, but I feel too bad being another burden in your life why don't you just unwind at the party with me? Don't worry, obviously you're still my MOH it's a title and honor for a best friend, not a summons to become an impromptu party planner." obviously reworded so that it sounds like you, but covering all of the bases. Basically you want to make the following points: You know she's busy Someone else is planning the party You're not mad and she's still obviously the MOH Posted by Fancypantsamy[/QUOTE]

This sounds SO beyond passive aggressive. All her MOH is going to hear is, "I think you're too busy to throw me a party so I'm having other people do it, even though you told me you would. It's fine, though, because you can come enjoy the awesome party they're throwing for me that you didn't. And, yeah, you're still my MOH but I considered the possibility of you not being it because you didn't throw me that party you said you would." I mean, really, why would you even bring up "you're still my MOH"?!

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:bb5c097c-b85c-432b-a4f7-15b831c026c2">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get around Absentee MOH : Now, you know how I feel about it, but I can respect that you want to take a direct approach. How about this: "Hey Suzy, Jessica and Lauren have planned a bachelorette party for me. I was thinking this is great because you're really busy - I mean seriously, I get tired just thinking about three jobs, not including all of the other things. I know you were thinking about planning something, but I feel too bad being another burden in your life - why don't you just unwind at the party with me? Don't worry, obviously you're still my MOH - it's a title and honor for a best friend, not a summons to become an impromptu party planner." - obviously reworded so that it sounds like you, but covering all of the bases. Basically you want to make the following points: - You know she's busy - Someone else is planning the party - You're not mad and she's still obviously the MOH
Posted by Fancypantsamy[/QUOTE]


Thank you! This is much more of what I was looking for!

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:d68482cc-6624-421b-a523-11c24a6f9490">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get around Absentee MOH : You think it is getting to me?  Bahahaha.  that is a really good one. Just trying to help TP (for whatever reason, this girl has been a pain for months) not make an ass of herself to her friend.  Meh, whatever.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]


So I'm not getting to you yet you've taken the time to apparently remember me from some other thread (I don't remember you), and you describe me, someone you don't know who's planning something you won't see with people you won't meet, as a "pain?" AND, this person you have nothing to do with is a "pain" because she doesn't agree with you about something trivial?

Ha... keep being so chill.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:8ba86c7c-5e14-40c2-9eb8-6221e75dd279">Re:How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How to get around Absentee MOH: This sounds SO beyond passive aggressive. All her MOH is going to hear is, "I think you're too busy to throw me a party so I'm having other people do it, even though you told me you would. It's fine, though, because you can come enjoy the awesome party they're throwing for me that you didn't. <strong>And, yeah, you're still my MOH but I considered the possibility of you not being it because you didn't throw me that party you said you would.</strong>" I mean, really, why would you even bring up "you're still my MOH"?!
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]


That's a good point... that section does kinda read that way and that's not at all how I feel.

kd.joseph

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:2daf0ad4-73be-42b3-ace3-d9cc9c11b72b">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get around Absentee MOH : So I'm not getting to you yet you've taken the time to apparently remember me from some other thread (I don't remember you), and you describe me, someone you don't know who's planning something you won't see with people you won't meet, as a "pain?" AND, this person you have nothing to do with is a "pain" because she doesn't agree with you about something trivial? Ha... keep being so chill.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

What everyone here is trying to tell you that you are choosing not to listen to is you should have NOTHING to do with any parties being thrown for you, other than a guest list.

If you knew your MOH was planning to take care of this, why are you even allowing these other people to throw you a party at all. If your MOH doesnt get around to it you dont get a BP, but it seems to me you've decided to let these other girls do it to ensure you get your party. And now you need to find a way to tell your MOH to suck it.

Good Luck with that.

Girlie1030

Whatever drama might come from this TP, you've created yourself.  Like others have said, you should have declined the 2nd party offer to begin with and if your MOH didn't get a party planned for you, you don't get one.  Continuing to be involved at this point is just a bad idea.  Let the girls work it out themselves - even if they can't get a hold of your MOH. 

LetsHikeToday

OP- After you decide to bring up something which you shouldn't, come back and tell us how it went. 

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:032ad7c7-14fa-4f6c-a542-e2de52d245d9">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get around Absentee MOH : What everyone here is trying to tell you that you are choosing not to listen to is you should have NOTHING to do with any parties being thrown for you, other than a guest list. <strong>If you knew your MOH was planning to take care of this, why are you even allowing these other people to throw you a party at all.</strong> If your MOH doesnt get around to it you dont get a BP, but it seems to me you've decided to let these other girls do it to ensure you get your party. And now you need to find a way to tell your MOH to suck it. Good Luck with that.
Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]


Actually my MOH started this after she missed my bridal shower last month. Another Bridesmaid (part of the second group) had been the most enthusied about the whole thing and has been trying to get together with MOH for Months to plan something.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-get-around-absentee-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:095f1d58-5dd6-44bc-81a3-c5dac338273cPost:cc2e3639-cc99-4aa8-ba1a-4b98d24ea342">Re: How to get around Absentee MOH</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get around Absentee MOH : Not taking issue with the rest of your advice, but this bolded part seems really passive agressive. I am not at all a passive agressive person. Clearly, I'm here posting this thread because I don't trust that she will plan anything, it seems disingenious to tell her to take that up with others. That why I I feel the need to address it now, as well. I know the world hasn't ended and I'm not suggesting this is a huge deal. I just want to avoid hurt feelings and confrontation in the future, especially when this is something I see happening right now. The hope was that someone had been in a similar situation, had repsonded in a more direct fashion and was willing to offer advice.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

It's true I tend to be more laid back with this stuff, whereas you may be more of a type A personality, but that doesn't mean there aren't times when it's better for me to be really proactive, or it's better for you to cool your heels and let things lie.

I don't know when your wedding is, but obviously there's a deadline, here, and a finite amount of time to plan any possible bachelorette party. If MOH is not doing so, has nothing in the works, etc, then I can't blame someone else for starting to take charge. As long as she has been contacted about it and KNOWS the party is going on, with or without her, then she can't reasonable be butthurt about it. It's possible she was waiting and was going to plan something more low-key closer to the wedding. In that case, yeah, your friends might be stepping on toes, but that's up to your MOH to address with them. It's just not your battle.

I really don't see how you can proactively address this with her without making it seem like she sucks at planning and therefore you took a "better" party offer from your other friends. I know that's not exactly what happened, and that you've just had offers from all of your close friends to do *something,* which is awesome. 

Perhaps you can be specific about what she is saying to you? First it was that she's not getting back to the other girls. Now it's that you think she's feeling hurt. How exactly are things going down?