Wedding Etiquette Forum

adult only affair?....

My family is huge and  very family oriented All our parties/get togethers that we have thrown includes everyone ... I think i will be the first to plan an adult only wedding lol .I love my little family memebers but my venue is elagant everything is glass and honeslty i dont want to be stressed watching all these little ones run around. Plus I want everyone to have a good time and enjoy a night out. One of my aunts does not understand why i would choose a place like that knowing mostly eveyone has kids including me ( i have two daughters and a 8 yr old sister who are part of the bridal party & They will be at the wedding ofcourse) and she is trying to convince me that its not fair and she probably wont  be able to attend. My wedding is 3/23/13 so its more than enough time to figure out who can babysit I love my family but i dont want this to become a big issue and im actually starting to feel bad now ....Am i wrong or being rude? ... How should i deal with thisand still be kind ?
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Re: adult only affair?....

  • You don't have to have kids at your wedding if you don't want them.

    The next time aunt tries to bring it up, be polite and say, "I'm sorry you feel that way.  We will miss you."  Call her bluff and stand your ground.


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  • No, you're perfectly fine in not wanting kids at your wedding.  Just be prepared for people to be upset.

    Be specific when you send out invitations about who is invited (don't write "adults only" on the invitations).  If Aunt Sally calls and whines about why her kid isn't invited, just stick to your guns.  If she says she's not going, then let her know she'll be missed and hopefully you'll all get together soon.
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  • It's not rude for you to not invite kids.  It is rude of her to try and convince you otherwise.  Stick to your guns.
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  • You're not wrong or being rude. Some people just get really offended when their children aren't invited every.single.place that they are. My family is like yours, but we've also had a few weddings where children weren't invited and people got over it.

    Just make a clear cut off, which it seems like you already have by just having your children invited. You're going to get not so pleasant feedback but in the end, it will all be okay.

    I love kids at weddings, but that's not for everyone and they should respect that.
  • No, not rude at all to do adults-only. I would make it very clear on your invitations, however, just who is invited. Also indicate this on the response cards by doing something like printing the names on them, saying that X seats have been reserved in their honor, etc. That way they will know exactly how many people are welcome.
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  • How is it not fair you decided to have an adult only wedding? 

    Tell her if she'd like to pay for your wedding, then she's welcome to choose the guest list. 
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  • It is not rude of you and she should respect your wish.

    But on the other hand, some people rather not attend an event where they can't bring their kids, and you should be prepared for that. She has every right to decline your invitation.
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  • thanks ladies  .. This was really getting to me Most of our friends and some family understand its just that she is one of my favorite aunts ansd she is getting me mad  lol plus she knows my fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves and I wouldnt have a problem inviting kids if i had the money to actually pay for their plates but its just too much But thank you for reassuring me that im not being what she calls  "high class" :-/  Im hoping she gets over it soon
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  • We are doing an Adult Reception as well.  For those with kids, I was thinking about getting a babysitter at the hotel to watch some of their kids (FI's family lives 3.5 hours away, so they have to stay the night anyways).  I want people to come, just not their kids, so I thought that was a nice compromise.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adult-only-affair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:09cf8435-8f35-4ab3-a439-72d9150418a3Post:6bf53e69-4795-42d7-b15d-5fabb0325371">Re: adult only affair?....</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's not rude for you to not invite kids.  It is rude of her to try and convince you otherwise.  Stick to your guns.
    Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

    Ditto :)

    We aren't having kids at our wedding either! FSIL (who has two kids) was not very happy about it, but oh well! She'll get over it.
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  • Ditto Duds.  While babysitters are a very considerate gesture, parents aren't likely to go for that.  And I also feel like that would be another window where kids could potentially "leak" into the wedding, such as "The hotel babysitter called me and said Billy is upset because he misses me. I'm just going to bring him over here just for a couple minutes..." or something like that.  Leave the kid arrangements up to the parents - that is your easiest route.
  • You're not being rude. Don't let people try to guilt you out of the style of party you are planning. 

    I'd probably try to get them excited about it. "Aunt Jane, when is the last time you guys got dressed up and had a really nice date night out? Don't you think it would be fun to have a nice classy evening with adult food and drinks without having to worry about what your kid is willing to eat, cleaning up their mess, taking them to the bathroom four times, basically not being able to finish a single conversation with the other adult relatives you haven't seen in awhile? It's just one night and I think it would be such a nice time for you!"

    If you can, maybe you can hire a couple professional babysitters willing to sit for 10-20 kids or whatever for the evening, for any out of towners or people who are throwing fits about not having a place to send them. That will take that burden off them, and take some of the umph out of their argument towards you.  And your own kids might even enjoy being part of that after the first part of eveing that they are included in. 
  • edited February 2012
    Thank you for posting this question. We are experiencing the same issue.

    My cousin recently informed me that she's having trouble finding a babysitter so she might have to bring her 1 y/o. I was firm and restated our wishes, but I feel the need to claritfy again to make sure she's awre that while I love her son, he's not invited and there is still 7 months to find someone.

    Not sure how to word this to her and others who may have the same view in a polite yet clear way. Any tips?
  • I'm not forcing people to use my babysitter.  If they don't want to use them they can a) leave their kid at home with someone or b) not come to the wedding.  I'm just giving them another option.  Man, people on these boards are ridiculous.  It's not like I'm holding a gun to their head and forcing them to use someone.  It's called OPTIONS.
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  • edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adult-only-affair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09cf8435-8f35-4ab3-a439-72d9150418a3Post:79514600-4f17-4a28-8841-8874ecfe3c13">Re: adult only affair?....</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not forcing people to use my babysitter.  If they don't want to use them they can a) leave their kid at home with someone or b) not come to the wedding.  I'm just giving them another option. <strong> Man, people on these boards are ridiculous. </strong> It's not like I'm holding a gun to their head and forcing them to use someone.  It's called OPTIONS.
    Posted by aloisk57[/QUOTE]

    <div>Really?  You got some very nice replies, FFS.</div><div>
    </div><div>ETA:  heh, just realized you're not the OP, but still, way to apply a general statement to a group of people.</div>
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  • You're not wrong or rude to want to have an elegant, adults only wedding. It a perfectly acceptable, polite choice.  But...a lot of people don't see it that way. 

    If you're wedding requires a lot of travel or an overnight, out of town stay then I think that makes it difficult for people to find sitters which may mean that a lot of people won't be able to come or won't want to leave their kids overnight.  Will you be okay with that?   

    However, even if your wedding is local to everyone, understand that won't stop entitled helicopter parents from making a huge deal out of this.  Some poeople are extremely insulted when their kids aren't included on the invitation and bring them anyway.  I've heard of some families becoming extremely angry and hostile  - refusing to come and even organizing boycotts.  So...what's the liklihood of something like that happening with yours?  Even if no one goes postal, people, like your Aunt, may very well give you a crap load of grief about this.  Are you prepared to deal with it?

    If you think they'll only be a few ruffled feathers but no real fall out, then keep your venue and your adults only party. 

    If you think some people will freak out but you're okay with that, proceed. 

    If however, you think there is a real possibility of high drama and creating rifts within your family, or people you want there declining in droves, you might want to change your venue and your plans.  Just proceed with your eyes open and be comfortable with your choices and their consequences.
  • Starfish0116Starfish0116 member
    First Comment
    edited February 2012
    Any person that would plan a boycott over their kids not being invited to my wedding is not someone I'd want at my wedding to begin with. I would honestly care less if someone got their panties in a wad over it.

    OP, we're having an adult only wedding. The only kid will be my 13 year old sister. A good majority of our guests are coming from out of town. I realize it might be an issue for them to not have their kids invited, but this is the wedding we've chosen to have, and if they can't make it that's okay.

    Weddings are expensive. I don't see why a person should be obligated to invite everyone's children. We have a lot of family that we're not necessary that close with but have to be invited. Likewise, we're really not that close with their kids. I'm not cutting friends, who I really want at my wedding, to accommodate kids I don't really know.

    Then again, I'm jaded. As a wedding photographer, I deal with way to many weddings that have out of control kids. Most parents are responsible and watch their kids, but even the responsible ones get caught up in the fun of relaxing at a wedding and kids always run wild. Our wedding is late evening and formal, at a venue that's not really kid appropriate. 

    Our reception is in a resort community, and we'll be having babysitters at a rental cottage on property. We're paying for it, and our guests are welcome to use the sitters, but obviously aren't obligated. They can either use ours, get their own, or not come.

  • Our wedding is going to have the little fk'ers running around and causing chaos ALL over the place, and we look forward to it! But there is NOTHING wrong with an adults only reception, especially if it's late. Kids get grumpy when they're sleepy. I hate seeing poor little ones out at a wedding at eleven o'clock at night crying because the parents won't stop their good time to take them home and put them to bed.

    Our venue actually gave us the option of having childcare on site, just a few rooms away. But we're just going to bolt everything to the floor and let them run wild. It's early in the afternoon, and who wants to find a babysitter that early in the day?

    It's totally your choice!

    But remember that the children you have coming might be a little bored. I went to a wedding that only had two or three kids that were not close in age and they cried and nagged their parents to go home all day because they didn't have anyone to play with or anything to do. I don't know your children, obviously, but I'd consider how they're going to spend the time, what there is for them to do besides sit there or dance alone, and how they will enjoy themselves without playmates, because watching mom dance keeps most kids occupied for 5 minutes max, and a coloring book is only going to buy the most patient kid in the world another half hour.
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  • I'm not worried about my kids & sister being bored They are party pros lol we go to a lot of family/friend parties and if I'm up dancing they are too they look forward to dressing up, cake and dancing Iam not going to change my mind or make any exceptions about inviting kids, this is my dream wedding so I don't think anyone should expect me to change venues or anything like that Im just going to be as nice as I can about it and like everyone says ,stay firm I spoke to my family from puerto rico and they are coming and if they have no problems making arrangements im pretty sure my aunt is the only one that feels that way Thanks again ladies for all of ur advice im way less stressed lol
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