How Pushy?

Leeny14

So FI and I are thinking of (essentially*) eloping.  Probably with separate girls' and boys' weekends prior to our wedding - not bach/bachlorette necessarily, but an excuse for friends to get together.  After our wedding, we would like to have a nice party for family and friends, no registry, no wedding tie-in, just another reason for loved ones to join and meet new people.  From reading this board, I believe all of the above is acceptable, but if you see any red flags, I'm all ears.  

 

My real question is how vehemently and in what ways can I protest a shower? Some of my close girl friends are very interested in putting together a bridal shower.  No specific host, timing, etc. at this point, but I know that some will be conspiring on plans for one.  Not only is this inappropriate for an elopement, but I personally have no interest.  I want to do what I can to verbally communicate this position, but frankly I think some of my friends think they know better.  Any ideas on how I can prevent this from taking place? 

 

*In reading the boards, I see that eloping connotes a degree of secrecy.  We will be eloping with the blessing of our family and closest friends.

 

Thanks in advance for any input!

J&K10910

I think I would say to them "I appreciate you wanting to throw me a shower, but I'm just really really uncomfortable with it.  Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I don't want one.  Let's all grab some lunch that weekend instead!" or something like that.

If you're comfortable with it, you can even say the above plus add in that you won't be attending any parties thrown in your honor. 

Leeny14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-pushy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09cfdca1-6937-4e2a-be9a-cdc56ca4511cPost:eff0fa2f-6591-4038-a641-bb89f4f505b5">Re: How Pushy?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think I would say to them "I appreciate you wanting to throw me a shower, but I'm just really really uncomfortable with it.  Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I don't want one.  Let's all grab some lunch that weekend instead!" or something like that. If you're comfortable with it, you can even say the above plus add in that you won't be attending any parties thrown in your honor. 
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Thanks so much, and your furbaby is adorable!  I'm on board with the first part of your suggestion, and my preference is to also abide by the second part, I was just worried that that could be seen as ungrateful, but it is definitely the way I'm leaning.</div>

MyUserName1

I'd say what J said.  And then if they keep insisting, maybe suggest something that isn't a gift-givivng occasion instead?  Like they could just take you out to brunch instead with no gifts?  That might be a good compromise if they're super insistent.

OliveOilsMom

I don't think it would sound ungrateful to me.  You are expressing how you feel about a shower and they should respect your wishes. I would go with J&K's wording.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-pushy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09cfdca1-6937-4e2a-be9a-cdc56ca4511cPost:ac1a2664-eba1-41fd-994f-ec907e5eb920">Re: How Pushy?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How Pushy? : Thanks so much, and your furbaby is adorable!  I'm on board with the first part of your suggestion, and my preference is to also abide by the second part, I was just worried that that could be seen as ungrateful, but it is definitely the way I'm leaning.
Posted by Leeny14[/QUOTE]

Thanks!  She knows she's adorable too.  Ha.

It probably COULD be seen as ungrateful, to be completely honest, but hopefully if these are your closest friends, they'll understand.    I'd prefer to sound ungrateful than to suffer through a party (a gift giving one, at that) that I was totally against having.

Leeny14

Thanks ladies!  I agree and point taken that since these are my closest friends, I do have some leeway.  

I really appreciate the reassurance - as an eloper, I wasn't sure that I would hang around much, but your warm, honest advice speaks to the value of this board.  Maybe I'll see you around sometime:)

SB1512

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-pushy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09cfdca1-6937-4e2a-be9a-cdc56ca4511cPost:cafa3e68-1249-4aea-a645-1818b49f8ffd">Re: How Pushy?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd say what J said.  And then if they keep insisting, maybe suggest something that isn't a gift-givivng occasion instead?  Like they could just take you out to brunch instead with no gifts?  That might be a good compromise if they're super insistent.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

I agree that this could be a good compromise.  Or, what if they did something like a recipe shower?  Everyone invited can write down their favorite tried and true recipe to pass along to you (if you like to cook).  No gifts would be involved but everyone could still get together.  Even though my wedding is a long way off, my mom knows how much I like to cook and am always on the hunt for recipes so she has already hinted that she's going to buy blank recipe cards and include them in shower invites for guests to bring back if they want.

Leeny14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-pushy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09cfdca1-6937-4e2a-be9a-cdc56ca4511cPost:85a8fa04-c1fb-4428-9523-c9e9ac5e9e1b">Re: How Pushy?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How Pushy? : I agree that this could be a good compromise.  Or, what if they did something like a recipe shower?  Everyone invited can write down their favorite tried and true recipe to pass along to you (if you like to cook).  No gifts would be involved but everyone could still get together.  Even though my wedding is a long way off, my mom knows how much I like to cook and am always on the hunt for recipes so she has already hinted that she's going to buy blank recipe cards and include them in shower invites for guests to bring back if they want.
Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Love this!  Might be a great compromise. Thanks.</div>

kateguess22

I'm in the same boat- I don't want any bridal showers. Since these are your close friends I'm sure you can be honest and direct with them about how you don't want them to throw you a shower- you and your fiance are completely against them- and you are worried that the girls want to put together a shower for you and you really want for them to know that you truly do not want them. Be honest about how a shower would make you feel- embarrassed, upset, ignored. Tell them that if they would like to do something nice for you before the wedding they can help you get the word out that you don't want a shower!

I know how it is- some friends think that you're just being modest and that you would be flattered if they put together a shower for you and you'd really appreciate it but once I told my friends how strongly I feel about it they completely understood! We're also doing a casual-type bachelorette party where it's just a girls weekend that isn't any different from our other regular girls weekends. I can tell that you worry about proper etiquette and you should be commended for that but I think that with your best friends you can be straight-up and honest about everything you feel and nobody will be offended. Good luck! :)

n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-pushy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:09cfdca1-6937-4e2a-be9a-cdc56ca4511cPost:3615600b-7fd8-4103-9af8-bd5d34d59cfd">How Pushy?</a>:
[QUOTE]So FI and I are thinking of (essentially*) eloping.  Probably with separate girls' and boys' weekends prior to our wedding - not bach/bachlorette necessarily, but an excuse for friends to get together.  After our wedding, we would like to have a nice party for family and friends, no registry, no wedding tie-in, just another reason for loved ones to join and meet new people.  From reading this board, I believe all of the above is acceptable, but if you see any red flags, I'm all ears.     My real question is how vehemently and in what ways can I protest a shower? Some of my close girl friends are very interested in putting together a bridal shower.  No specific host, timing, etc. at this point, but I know that some will be conspiring on plans for one.  Not only is this inappropriate for an elopement, but I personally have no interest.  I want to do what I can to verbally communicate this position, but frankly I think some of my friends think they know better.  Any ideas on how I can prevent this from taking place?    *In reading the boards, I see that eloping connotes a degree of secrecy.  We will be eloping with the blessing of our family and closest friends.   Thanks in advance for any input!
Posted by Leeny14[/QUOTE]

SB1512

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-pushy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09cfdca1-6937-4e2a-be9a-cdc56ca4511cPost:ba8b0551-e775-49af-9478-737bbc053db8">Re: How Pushy?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How Pushy? : Love this!  Might be a great compromise. Thanks.
Posted by Leeny14[/QUOTE]

Cool, well hopefully it's something that can be worked out.  Just don't have your friends call it a "recipe shower" as people still may feel as though gifts should be brought.  If they really want to plan something just tell them it would be great to get everyone together and what you would really like is if they would be willing to write down a recipe to pass along to you. 

melb2013

My FSIL really wanted to throw me a shower.  In fact, during one conversation, she just wouldn't let it go.  I REALLY don't want a shower.  Nobody in my family has showers and it's just not for me either.  At first I told her "Thank you for offering! but I don't think I want a shower."  After the 10th time she told me was going to throw one anyway, I had to say "I'm not just trying to be nice or demur- I really don't want a shower.  I'm just not into all these pre-wedding parties.  They're just not for me.  We'll have plenty of time to celebrate and party at the wedding!"

I think she was more insistent she do one for me because I'm helping to throw her shower.  Hopefully, your friends will just take no for answer when you thank them and decline.