and guest or not for small wedding (complicated)

Megan91511

So the situation I am in is now slightly complicated. I'm having a small wedding (probably around 25 guests), and am trying to decide whether or not to write "and Guset" for one of my fiance's family members. She's not a blood relative, but close enough that we need to invite her. Apparently word got to her that we were going to make sure she got to bring a guest, even though it wasnt officially decided for sure, and I didn't really think it was necessary, since we're trying to keep the wedding so small.

I now found out that she is apparently dating a married man, and possibly wants to bring him to the wedding (not so happy about the married man part). And I mostly really just want to keep the wedding as small as possible. Do I need to write "and Guest" on her inviation since she's already under the impression that she will be invited to bring a guest? Or is there some way around this?

I mean, my fiance and I are keeping the wedding to JUST FAMILY to keep it as small as possible, and not including our friends even... and I don't know how to deal with this.

SarahPLiz

If she has already been told that she can bring a guest, then I think you need to invite her with one. You don't get to pick who that guest is. 

aragx6

If it were me, I'd invite her on her own and be prepared to have to call and explain once she sends in the RSVP for two. That's an incredibly small wedding.

That said, sometimes you gotta pick your battles. if your FI's family will be upset, maybe it's not worth it.

mica178

I'd talk with over with your FILs.  Who told you about the married man and that this family member wants to bring him?

fluffymunky

Personally I dont think you have to. You never told her anything about a guest, that was the fault of someone else.

andy71781

Are they serious?  By "married man" do you mean somebody who is going through a divorce?

ootmother2

mmmm

I know the rule but I would also have a very hard time with a guest married to someone else being the "and guest"

wow,good luck with this one!

Megan91511

The issue is, most people are not even supposed to know she's dating this person (apparently there's been a bit of gossiping), and I hadn't even ever officially decided whether I was inviting people with guests. She was told because someone mentioned to someone who mentioned to her... that she probably would be. I haven't even ever spoken to most of the people in that chain. This is partially what is frustrating me so much.

But so basically, I can't talk it over with my future in-laws, because I'm not even supposed to know she's dating anyone at all!

I'm just so conflicted because there is a family member of mine who I wasn't planning on inviting with a random guest, and so now I feel that I have to, in order to be fair.

ootmother2

sorry, I'm changing my stand.

Married man, as in someone who is not seperated and living with his wife?

NO effing way!!

MattsPenguin

Well, if she didn't hear it directly from you (or through someone else from you), then she shouldn't be assuming anything.

Invite her w/o a "plus one". 

andy71781

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-not-small-wedding-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:09d7f079-c751-46f7-81b0-7aa34835c4caPost:9b494315-e17d-4752-a4e0-805ac08cf2fc">Re: and guest or not for small wedding (complicated)</a>:
[QUOTE]sorry, I'm changing my stand. Married man, as in someone who is not seperated and living with his wife? NO effing way!!
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

Did she say this was the case?

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-not-small-wedding-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09d7f079-c751-46f7-81b0-7aa34835c4caPost:f8dc7c11-4af5-4aa9-9dba-5e077ee77976">Re: and guest or not for small wedding (complicated)</a>:
[QUOTE]The issue is, most people are not even supposed to know she's dating this person (apparently there's been a bit of gossiping), and I hadn't even ever officially decided whether I was inviting people with guests. She was told because someone mentioned to someone who mentioned to her... that she probably would be. I haven't even ever spoken to most of the people in that chain. This is partially what is frustrating me so much. But so basically, I can't talk it over with my future in-laws, because I'm not even supposed to know she's dating anyone at all! I'm just so conflicted because there is a family member of mine who I wasn't planning on inviting with a random guest, and so now I feel that I have to, in order to be fair.
Posted by Megan91511[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>If YOU or your FI/his family didn't tell her that she would get a guest, then I don't think you have to invite her with one. I misunderstood originally.</div><div>
</div><div>I still don't think that her choice of guest has anything to do with it though. 

</div>

perkins81

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-not-small-wedding-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:09d7f079-c751-46f7-81b0-7aa34835c4caPost:f8dc7c11-4af5-4aa9-9dba-5e077ee77976">Re: and guest or not for small wedding (complicated)</a>:
[QUOTE]The issue is, most people are not even supposed to know she's dating this person (apparently there's been a bit of gossiping), and I hadn't even ever officially decided whether I was inviting people with guests. She was told because someone mentioned to someone who mentioned to her... that she probably would be. I haven't even ever spoken to most of the people in that chain. This is partially what is frustrating me so much. But so basically, I can't talk it over with my future in-laws,<strong> because I'm not even supposed to know she's dating anyone at all! </strong>I'm just so conflicted because there is a family member of mine who I wasn't planning on inviting with a random guest, and so now I feel that I have to, in order to be fair.
Posted by Megan91511[/QUOTE]

If you're "not supposed to know" then I would just play "innocent" and don't allow her to bring a guest. It's certainly not y our fault if you didn't "know" she was dating someone. And besides - would you allow her to bring a guest if she wasn't dating someone? In this case - because you're keeping things super small - I would just invite her, but not a guest.

ootmother2

I think that if it's a hush, hush, relationship, it's pretty plain.

JMO

mizjodi

So she heard from someone, who heard from someone, etc, that she gets to bring a guest, and you've heard from someone, who heard from someone, she thinks she gets to bring a date, and also you've heard through this grapevine she's dating a married man?

Seems there's a lot of gossip trains going on here! I'd just skip the "and guest." You're under no obligation.

Gigs110

personally there is no freakin way i would put and guest. firstly you dont want her brining this person secondly since those words never left you mouth ur not obligated to back them up secondly she should be embarrassed to bring a married man to your wedding. And lastly it is your wedding sweetie you have who you want there and since it is so small you are not obligated to have anyone there you do not want. if she questions it be honest say i wanted no more than 25 people and i am sorry but i had to cut the list somewhere and since i don't know the person you are bring i rather not, think of it this way would you rather have your friend there instead of some stranger i look at it this way if she gets offended thats someone else you can invite to replace her that you want there instead

mizjodi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-not-small-wedding-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:09d7f079-c751-46f7-81b0-7aa34835c4caPost:18baa83c-4cbd-45f8-86c1-5677bac1308f">Re: and guest or not for small wedding (complicated)</a>:
[QUOTE]personally there is no freakin way i would put and guest. firstly you dont want her brining this person secondly since those words never left you mouth ur not obligated to back them up secondly she should be embarrassed to bring a married man to your wedding. And lastly it is your wedding sweetie you have who you want there and since it is so small you are not obligated to have anyone there you do not want. if she questions it be honest say i wanted no more than 25 people and i am sorry but i had to cut the list somewhere and since i don't know the person you are bring i rather not, think of it this way would you rather have your friend there instead of some stranger i look at it this way if she gets offended thats someone else you can invite to replace her that you want there instead
Posted by Gigs110[/QUOTE]

run-on! You make some good points, but this would be much easier to read and understand if you use some punctuation and proper spelling! :)

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-not-small-wedding-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:09d7f079-c751-46f7-81b0-7aa34835c4caPost:9a4c5d04-e90e-4b99-969a-2e6d32d7a8a4">Re: and guest or not for small wedding (complicated)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: and guest or not for small wedding (complicated) : If you're "not supposed to know" then I would just play "innocent" and don't allow her to bring a guest. It's certainly not y our fault if you didn't "know" she was dating someone. And besides - would you allow her to bring a guest if she wasn't dating someone? In this case - because you're keeping things super small - I would just invite her, but not a guest.
Posted by perkins81[/QUOTE]

<div>This.  If you aren't even supposed to know that she is in a relationship, then i wouldn't give her a guest.  As far as you "know" she is single and not in a relationship.  </div><div>
</div><div>ETA: And being told by a random person that you would "probably" get a guest is not nearly the same as hearing from the couple or even the parents.  </div>

mdeidre

I say play innocent and just invite her.  If she does call to ask about a plus one, let her know you didn't realize she was dating anyone and you didn't allow for an extra person.  If she brings up the he-said/she-said intel she got, tell her you didn't know anything about that either.  Since your guest list is so small, this should actually be easier for you to play off.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-not-small-wedding-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:09d7f079-c751-46f7-81b0-7aa34835c4caPost:f8dc7c11-4af5-4aa9-9dba-5e077ee77976">Re: and guest or not for small wedding (complicated)</a>:
[QUOTE]The issue is, most people are not even supposed to know she's dating this person (apparently there's been a bit of gossiping), and I hadn't even ever officially decided whether I was inviting people with guests. She was told because someone mentioned to someone who mentioned to her... that she probably would be. I haven't even ever spoken to most of the people in that chain. This is partially what is frustrating me so much. But so basically, I can't talk it over with my future in-laws, <strong>because I'm not even supposed to know she's dating anyone at all!</strong> I'm just so conflicted because there is a family member of mine who I wasn't planning on inviting with a random guest, and so now I feel that I have to, in order to be fair.
Posted by Megan91511[/QUOTE]

If you are not suppose to know she is dating someone, then I would only issue the invite to her (not "& guest"). Since it is a small wedding & (as far as you should know) she isn't dating anyone, you would be completely fine to just invite her. Inotherwords, play dumb & just invite her.

polichik

If you didn't personally tell her she would have a guest, you don't need to invite her with one. I wouldn't, honestly.

If she asks about bringing the married dude... Technically, you always need to invite the SO of a guest, so this married man's wife would also have to be invited. See how that goes over.

mkrupar

Ditto RedHead. It sounds to me like she's a single person (at least to your "knowledge") and it's fine to not invite her with a guest.

mica178

Didn't someone have a similar question a few months ago?  Only it was the MOH or BM that was dating the married man.  I can't remember how it all played out.

OP -- since you're having a small wedding, I'd just invite that family friend.  If she's trying to keep this affair a secret, she won't bring the married man.  If she asks to, you can try using Poli's advice.

SilverLining1

You and your FH didn't say she'd be getting a guest, so you don't have to give her one. If this man is currently married (as in, having an affair with her), then they are not a social unit and you are under no obligation to invite him. Also, since they aren't openly dating, they are not a social unit. You're not required to give her a guest if makes you uncomfortable to do so in this situation.

aprilcduncan

If he's married, what are the chances he's going to come anyway?  Anyways, I agree with mdiedre.  Play dumb.  It might make a bigger fuss if they find out you know and aren't supposed to.

GeauxTigers17

I'm with oot- no way if he's married. Plus there's that whole "not supposed to know" thing. This problem will likely solve itself though. If they really are trying to keep it hush hush, he isn't going to show. Even if she wanted to bring him, no married man who was seeing someone on the side would risk so public an appearance. Well, not without some kind of masochistic motivation to do so!

MyNameIsNot

If it's such a secret that you aren't even supposed to know she's dating this guy, what on earth would make you think she'd bring him?  That makes 0 sense.  

AbbeyS2011

<strong>In</strong> Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-not-small-wedding-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:09d7f079-c751-46f7-81b0-7aa34835c4caPost:9a4c5d04-e90e-4b99-969a-2e6d32d7a8a4">Re: and guest or not for small wedding (complicated)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: and guest or not for small wedding (complicated) : <strong>If you're "not supposed to know" then I would just play "innocent" and don't allow her to bring a guest. </strong>It's certainly not y our fault if you didn't "know" she was dating someone. And besides - would you allow her to bring a guest if she wasn't dating someone? In this case - because you're keeping things super small - I would just invite her, but not a guest.
Posted by perkins81[/QUOTE]

This.

EDIT:  Just re-read your post.  You said "apparently" she is dating a married man.  Apparent and assume go hand in hand at times.  What she does privately is her business.  Invite her to the wedding.  Period. 

mizjodi

Perhaps I'm the only one who's picked up on the fact that there seem to be a lot of rumor mills in this whole thing, going both ways? *shrug*

chelseamb11

Even if her dating a married man is public knowledge, I would not allow it.  A wedding is a celebration of love and fidelity.  This guest and her guest are the exact opposite of that.  Bringing a married man to a wedding is like driving 10 extra miles out of your way to get 5 cents off gas: totally defeating the purpose.

Shia

Please do not allow her to bring her married date to your wedding.  That can cause some serious drama. Do you want him in your wedding pictures among your family. If she is openly dates a married man it is just wrong and inviting him to your wedding is disrespectful.