Newbie needs some big time advice

mleaders07

Here's my dilemma: one of my friends' (not a really close friend, but a friend) asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She's getting married July 22nd. (Yes its a friday, super inconvenient). I said yes of course! Mind you, my FI and I got engaged about the same time they did and our wedding is next year. WHen we booked out reception hall, we had to decide which tasting dinner we were going to be attending. This dinner allows you to sample food from your chef before your wedding so you can decide what you like. It also sets the menu price for your reception among many other detals. They only do it twice a year: January and July. We booked on our 6 year anniversary in Febrary. We wanted to know our costs ahead of time so we picked July. The official date wasn't set yet and was just set yesterday. The dinner is the night of the rehersal dinner for my friends wedding. I don't want to be an awful friend or anything, but this is really important for my wedding. She's already made the comment that she feels like I think my wedding is better than hers and more important. That's not the case but how can I not think my wedding is the most important? IT IS MY WEDDING. of course it's going to be more important to me than anything. I don't plan on missing the walkthrough or anything, just skipping dinner. What do I do?

granted, this is a friend the constantly gives me hell about all the details about my wedding (hers is very tight budgeted while mine is kind of a free for all) I dont appreciate the comments and I don't understand where they come from. Is she just jealous or... what?

HELP!!

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newbie-needs-big-time-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a427d75-547a-48d7-a44c-8af18aa3a088Post:e4e44566-d15d-4f99-9cc3-a6096e86c939">Re: Newbie needs some big time advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Newbie needs some big time advice : I would attend the ceremony rehearsal and then go to your tasting.  When you receive an RD invitation, let the host know that you are sorry you can't attend due to a prior commitment.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

This.

MelissaAnne88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newbie-needs-big-time-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a427d75-547a-48d7-a44c-8af18aa3a088Post:e4e44566-d15d-4f99-9cc3-a6096e86c939">Re: Newbie needs some big time advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Newbie needs some big time advice : I would attend the ceremony rehearsal and then go to your tasting.  When you receive an RD invitation, let the host know that you are sorry you can't attend due to a prior commitment.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]
This.

I had several BP members that couldn't make the rehearsal, and one that couldn't make the dinner. It wasn't a big deal. People have lives.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newbie-needs-big-time-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a427d75-547a-48d7-a44c-8af18aa3a088Post:9e508e81-5fb6-45f0-8886-91c3af4147e0">Newbie needs some big time advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's my dilemma: one of my friends' (not a really close friend, but a friend) asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She's getting married July 22nd. (Yes its a friday, super inconvenient). I said yes of course! Mind you, my FI and I got engaged about the same time they did and our wedding is next year. WHen we booked out reception hall, we had to decide which tasting dinner we were going to be attending. This dinner allows you to sample food from your chef before your wedding so you can decide what you like. It also sets the menu price for your reception among many other detals. They only do it twice a year: January and July. We booked on our 6 year anniversary in Febrary. We wanted to know our costs ahead of time so we picked July. The official date wasn't set yet and was just set yesterday. The dinner is the night of the rehersal dinner for my friends wedding. I don't want to be an awful friend or anything, but this is really important for my wedding. <strong>She's already made the comment that she feels like I think my wedding is better than hers and more important. That's not the case but how can I not think my wedding is the most important? IT IS MY WEDDING. of course it's going to be more important to me than anything.</strong> I don't plan on missing the walkthrough or anything, just skipping dinner. What do I do? granted, this is a friend the constantly gives me hell about all the details about my wedding (hers is very tight budgeted while mine is kind of a free for all) I dont appreciate the comments and I don't understand where they come from. Is she just jealous or... what? HELP!!
Posted by mleaders07[/QUOTE]


Um yeah...of course your wedding is going to be more important to you than hers. We have a saying on here that we like to tell brides..."No one will care as much about your wedding as you do".    I think she needs to learn this mantra.

I think you are fine letting her know that you are really sorry, but you will have to skip the dinner that night as you have to attend your tasting.  If she throws a fit about that, she's the one being ridiculous, not you.

Although I must say that's really weird that your venue only does two tastings per year.....

Mrs.B6302007

Ditto Duds. If you can make the rehearsal itself, you've done enough.  No one should complain that you can't make the dinner part , esp since you'll be saving someone money ;-)

niquemel

even if she weren't being an out-of-line brat (which she is), it would still be completely fine if you skipped the dinner.
Don't sweat it. She'll get over it. She's going to keep looking for issues to b.tch at you/yourwedding regardless

annakb8

I agree with MilkDuds.

If that doesn't work for some reason, is there someone you trust you could send to the tasting for you? I couldn't attend my caterer's tasting because I'm getting in my home state so I sent my mom and sister in my place. I trusted them to know what kind of food I would like and to get pertinent details like prices.

Meg1036

Mostly ditto Duds.

That said, is your wedding not until August 2012?  Because if that's the case, I can tell you from experience that a January tasting would be plenty of time.  I did a tasting in March for my August wedding.  So if you have any inclination at all to attend the rehearsal dinner and avoid hurt feelings, I think you could work it out.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newbie-needs-big-time-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a427d75-547a-48d7-a44c-8af18aa3a088Post:e4e44566-d15d-4f99-9cc3-a6096e86c939">Re: Newbie needs some big time advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Newbie needs some big time advice : I would attend the ceremony rehearsal and then go to your tasting.  When you receive an RD invitation, let the host know that you are sorry you can't attend due to a prior commitment.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

Yup, this.  Not everyone can attend the rehearsal/RD it's not the end of the world.  Although I, too, find it really weird that your venue only does two tastings a year, and on a Thursday night to boot...

As far as her possibly being jealous: maybe she is.  The only way to stop the comments is to stop telling her about your plans....

tenofcups4me

Go to the tasting. Attend the rehearsal if you can then skip the rehearsal dinner. Or if you can't make the actual rehearsal, then you just can't make the rehearsal. Surely someone can tell you the day of where to stand, which is pretty much all a BM needs to know.

FWIW, the prices of the weddings, when you each got engaged, whether or not she's jealous is all completely irrelevant to your question.

achiduck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newbie-needs-big-time-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a427d75-547a-48d7-a44c-8af18aa3a088Post:548b7492-e1e9-4605-83bc-6d728238d66d">Re: Newbie needs some big time advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Newbie needs some big time advice : <strong>Um yeah...of course your wedding is going to be more important to you than hers. We have a saying on here that we like to tell brides..."No one will care as much about your wedding as you do".    I think she needs to learn this mantra</strong>. I think you are fine letting her know that you are really sorry, but you will have to skip the dinner that night as you have to attend your tasting.  If she throws a fit about that, she's the one being ridiculous, not you. Although I must say that's really weird that your venue only does two tastings per year.....
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

This. Someone needs to fill her in on this and fast.

I would go the the ceremony rehearsal so you know where to stand/what to expect and then bail on the dinner and go to your tasting.

sarabellam

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newbie-needs-big-time-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a427d75-547a-48d7-a44c-8af18aa3a088Post:94f865c1-67a3-44a3-ae4f-fa936c9aaa6e">Re: Newbie needs some big time advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Mostly ditto Duds. That said, is your wedding not until August 2012?  <strong>Because if that's the case, I can tell you from experience that a January tasting would be plenty of time. </strong> I did a tasting in March for my August wedding.  So if you have any inclination at all to attend the rehearsal dinner and avoid hurt feelings, I think you could work it out.
Posted by Meg1036[/QUOTE]

Since the OP said it also sets the menu price at the tasting, and it's a pretty safe bet that prices would go up by the following January, I think your advice is a little off. OP, you are perfectly fine to skip the RD. It's not a command performance here.

Meg1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_newbie-needs-big-time-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a427d75-547a-48d7-a44c-8af18aa3a088Post:a4409dd6-ba89-4631-be51-953acc01222d">Re: Newbie needs some big time advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Newbie needs some big time advice : Since the OP said it also sets the menu price at the tasting, and it's a pretty safe bet that prices would go up by the following January, I think your advice is a little off. OP, you are perfectly fine to skip the RD. It's not a command performance here.
Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE]

I read the price being set at the tasting as if you choose steak instead of chicken, it'll be more expensive, not that the date of your tasting sets the price of a steak.  Around here, the price of any given entree is set either based on when you book or when the event is (depending on the venue), but not when your tasting is.  If the timing of the tasting effects the price of a given entree, the yes, it was bad advice. And maybe this is the case other places, I've never heard of it around here.  If the date of the tasting does not determine the price of a given meal/package, I was trying to suggest a compromise that as others have noted, is not necessary, but could save some hurt feelings.

Soon2BeMrsTing

We had a BM who was unable to be at the rehearsal.  No biggie.

LuluP82

I'm going to go against the grain here. You can definitely skip the dinner. I wouldn't, though. But I'm a weanie like that and like to avoid problems. Plus I don't like to hurt my friends' feelings. Is she being unreasonable? Sure, a bit. But it's not like this is an unavoidable situation, so why make it into one?

You do have plenty of time to do the tasting in January. I also find it weird you can  only have  tastings on 2 days...and while I think it would be cool I guess to try everything on the menu, I'd ask for a private tasting if possible. Sure, you might have to cut some stuff before you get to taste it, but I didn't find it super hard to narrow it down to the number of choices I had for our tasting!

How different is the pricing here, really? Frankly, I can't imagine it would be THAT different. I get it that generally steak is more expensive than, say, chicken, but for a friend close enough that I agreed to be a BM, I'd just set my budget for the higher amont (especially as you have mentioned you don't really have a budget!). Then if I went with the lower priced entree after the tasting, I'd just use the money elswhere. In January, you'll still have 7-8 months to figure out how to spend the extra money! I mean...you can't predict exactly the costs anyway since you don't know how many people will RSVP yes. Everyone just says to plan for 100% attendance, right? So plan for steak, and then if you don't like it, upgrade elsewhere (like when you get a lot of nos, you upgrade). Not that difficult of a concept.