Invite or Not to Invite?

Daizy106

I have an aunt who i have not spoken to in almost 3 years. We used to be very close, and as everyone knows, when a family member passes away, people can get greedy. My father had two sisters and one brother. My father passed away when I was very young, about 13 years old. THe house I live in was owned by my grandmother who lived downstairs. My grandmother put in her will that when she passes away, the house is to be left to my father, since he passed away the house went to my mother since she is the living spouse. My grandmother passed away 4 years ago and there was a huge battle on the house being left to my mom. Please keep in mind that my grandmother left a very large sum of money to my 2 aunts and uncle, on top of getting cash, they wanted the house too. Long story short, they settled for 50/50. My mom gets 50% and they get the remaining 50% divided btwn the three of them. During the whole process my aunt was badmouthing my mother calling her names i will not repeat, trying to convince me that she tried to steal from them, she then told me how my sister and I would be set for life, that a lot of money was left to us. Which was a complete lie, my sister and I did not get anything-and I knew that from the beginning-she was just trying to get me to be on her side. Please also note that my mom has lived in this house with my father, and grandmother since the day she got married. Any renovations or improvements that needed to be made, she paid for. All three of them (2 aunts and uncle) moved out a long time ago and did not help with the house The only time my aunt and uncle came by was when they needed money from my grandmother. So my grandmother left it to my dad, but since he passed away it goes to my mom.My mom was the only one working who could take care of the house and plus my mom and sister lived there with her. My grandmother must have thought they would be happy with the money. Nope. Now that my grandmother passed away, my aunt moved into my gradnmother's old apt downstairs. We do not speak. She recently has started speaking  small talk with me and i just keep it civil. Very short answers. Hi, bye type relationship. I feel like she is only trying to talk to me because she knows im engaged. But i have no intentions of inviting her, and my mother is very adament about not having her there. THe problem is, I am close with my cousins, her 4 sons. If I don't invite her, I fear they won't come. What do I do? Invite her and hope she doesn't come? Or invite her and be worried she might start a scene with my mom and sister?

s-aries8990

Not inviting her would make your relationship with her irreparable. How do you feel about that? Do you want to have a relationship with her in the future? Do you want to maintain the realtionship with your cousins? If you do, invite her, stick her in the back, greet her once, and sit the rest of your family with whom she doesn't get along on the other side of the seating plan. Advise your mother and sister not to speak with her too much and ask them to  understand your decision, even if they don't agree.

If you don't care about ever speaking with her again and possibly not your cousins either, then don't invite her.

I don't know your family, you do and you have to decide which consequences you want to live with (there are always good AND bad consequences to any decision)

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a656c6a-490d-480e-a292-7dfb03e18bd3Post:be2661ed-9ea3-4b6e-99fe-0420f9dd375c">Invite or Not to Invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have an aunt who i have not spoken to in almost 3 years. We used to be very close, and as everyone knows, when a family member passes away, people can get greedy. My father had two sisters and one brother. My father passed away when I was very young, about 13 years old. THe house I live in was owned by my grandmother who lived downstairs. My grandmother put in her will that when she passes away, the house is to be left to my father, since he passed away the house went to my mother since she is the living spouse. My grandmother passed away 4 years ago and there was a huge battle on the house being left to my mom. Please keep in mind that my grandmother left a very large sum of money to my 2 aunts and uncle, on top of getting cash, they wanted the house too. Long story short, they settled for 50/50. My mom gets 50% and they get the remaining 50% divided btwn the three of them. During the whole process my aunt was badmouthing my mother calling her names i will not repeat, <strong>trying to convince me that she tried to steal from them, </strong>she then told me how my sister and I would be set for life, that a lot of money was left to us. Which was a complete lie, my sister and I did not get anything-and I knew that from the beginning-she was just trying to get me to be on her side. Please also note that my mom has lived in this house with my father, and grandmother since the day she got married. Any renovations or improvements that needed to be made, she paid for. All three of them (2 aunts and uncle) moved out a long time ago and did not help with the house The only time my aunt and uncle came by was when they needed money from my grandmother. So my grandmother left it to my dad, but since he passed away it goes to my mom.My mom was the only one working who could take care of the house and plus my mom and sister lived there with her. My grandmother must have thought they would be happy with the money. Nope. Now that my grandmother passed away, my aunt moved into my gradnmother's old apt downstairs. We do not speak. She recently has started speaking  small talk with me and i just keep it civil. Very short answers. Hi, bye type relationship. I feel like she is only trying to talk to me because she knows im engaged. But i have no intentions of inviting her, and my mother is very adament about not having her there. THe problem is, I am close with my cousins, her 4 sons. If I don't invite her, I fear they won't come. What do I do? Invite her and hope she doesn't come? Or invite her and be worried she might start a scene with my mom and sister?
Posted by Daizy106[/QUOTE]

Reading your story was like reading what happened with my mother and her siblings.   If there is a problem between the siblings, leave the children out of it.  My parents never treated their kids differently after my grandmother passed, even though there were some issues between the siblings.  My parents understood that it's an issue between the adults, it just that the rest of them wanted to pull everyone into the fight. 

For my wedding, we did not invite any of my mom's siblings.  I still extended an invitation to one cousin, who was an adult and I talk to frequently.  He knows the deal between our moms, so we just don't talk about it.  He declined to attend because his mom wasn't invited, he said he would feel awkward without her there.  He knew that before I sent the invitation to him though. 

If you don't want to invite your aunt, you can still invite your cousins.  The invitation isn't a subpeona, so your cousins can choose to attend on their own.  But don't hold it personally against them if they do not attend.

stantokm

My FH grew up on a...sort of commune?  It was/is a farm with several families on it.  Anyway, one family broke off which became a contract/money issue.  When one of their children got married, none of the farm partners were invited but their children (all the kids are kind of like cousins) were.  Would the older adults have liked to attend the wedding?  Sure.  But none were offended by not being invited and none of the kids declined going because of their parents.  I say go ahead and invite cousins and not the aunt and, like PP said, don't feel bad if they decline.

RamonaFlowers

I would not invite somebody who acted so hurtful towards my own mother, and then tried to turn me against her. I can't imagine that your cousins don't know about the issues between your mothers, so it shouldn't be this huge shock if your aunt isn't invited. If your cousins are adults capable of getting to the wedding without their mother, invite them, and not their mom.If they can't, then don't invite any of them.

Daizy106

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-or-not-to-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a656c6a-490d-480e-a292-7dfb03e18bd3Post:23442020-ebce-46e2-98d1-0b66707da20a">Re:Invite or Not to Invite?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would not invite somebody who acted so hurtful towards my own mother, and then tried to turn me against her. I can't imagine that your cousins don't know about the issues between your mothers, so it shouldn't be this huge shock if your aunt isn't invited. If your cousins are adults capable of getting to the wedding without their mother, invite them, and not their mom.If they can't, then don't invite any of them.
Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]

I could not agree more! THe sad thing is, they don't know exactly what happened. When I try to explain they say I am over reacting. I think I'm at a point now where if they come, great, if not, thats great too. When I send out my Save the Dates, I guess they will figure out from that, that she is not invited. And if they have questions, I will explain my reasoning, and the decision is up to them. Its just sad that my family is torn. I am so happy that I marying into such an awesome family. I lovee my FI parents, and sisters, and the rest of his family, his sister and cousin are actually part of the bridal party. I still have my mom's side of the family who I adore, but they live in FL and its a lot of $$ for them to travel. So I understand they might not come. I am still sending them an invite of course.

Peledreamsofrain

I personally would not invite that woman. Too much drama from that mama.