Wedding Etiquette Forum

Stranger at the Bachelorette Party

I need some advice. I have a pretty big wedding party, which I am learning know was a terrible idea, and I am not that fussy of a bride or looking for my party to spend a lot. With that in mind the maid of honor is having a low cost shower for me at one of the other bridemaid's houses. I found out about this however because my MoH called me today really upset about the below situation because she isn't sure how to resolve the below issue. Not ever being a bridesmaid myself I wanted some feedback. 

Because many of my bridemaids live out of state, they are doing the shower and the bachelorette party the same weekend/day. The bridesmaid whose house it is at has a friend coming in from out of state that weekend and is being very adament that this person, who I don't know at all and have never met, join us at the bachelorette party (and they will obviously be at the shower). Her reasoning is that she is already offering up the house and should be paid that respect. She didn't tell my MoH this before they all picked the date. My MoH was getting frustrated with this and spoke to me about the situation earlier, to which we decided to tell her that person couldn't come. It just seemed awkward and an usual request. Ultimately, she was told this and because of this she's opting to not attend the bachelorette party at all because she feels shafted. 

I can understand her perspective but feel like better planning should have taken place, and having a stranger at your bachelorette party seems awkward to me. It means a lot to me to spend time with these special ladies, and don't know what to do from here. 

What should be done in this situation? Does she have a point? Should we reassess the situation and suggest she invite her friend? I just don't know what to do since I've never been a bridesmaid myself. 

Re: Stranger at the Bachelorette Party

  • I don't think you need to have ever been a bridesmaid to answer this question.

    Do you want your bridesmaid there?  If yes, let her bring her friend.  Regardless of who's right and who's wrong, if you want her there, let her bring her friend.  I don't think it's that big of a deal, personally, and it's not like you'll have to turn around and invite this person to the wedding.  Hell, she might even buy you a drink.

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  • GeorgiousGeorgious member
    First Comment
    edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stranger-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a663f0b-b188-444a-9bb2-67a5e93c6014Post:a170ffe9-1561-42ac-89f2-4b4cebbd3ca8">Re: Stranger at the Bachelorette Party</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think you need to have ever been a bridesmaid to answer this question. Do you want your bridesmaid there?  If yes, let her bring her friend.  Regardless of who's right and who's wrong, if you want her there, let her bring her friend.  I don't think it's that big of a deal, personally, and it's not like you'll have to turn around and invite this person to the wedding.  Hell, she might even buy you a drink.
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    <div>I do want here there, but I am getting very frustrated at the way she is approaching this. She is apparently being outright rude about the situation which is not something I would expect from her and pretty much told my MoH "Tough luck it's either both of us or I'm not going". So I'm a bit conflicted. </div>
  • I don't think that this is a major problem.  The stranger is a friend of hers and she asking for a favor.  That doesn't mean that you are required to invite her to the wedding or feel obligate to do so
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stranger-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a663f0b-b188-444a-9bb2-67a5e93c6014Post:8dc6379a-bf83-4ec9-9fdc-fc2c9f85c4cb">Re: Stranger at the Bachelorette Party</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Stranger at the Bachelorette Party : I do want here there, but I am getting very frustrated at the way she is approaching this. She is apparently being outright rude about the situation which is not something I would expect from her and pretty much told my MoH "Tough luck it's either both of us or I'm not going". So I'm a bit conflicted. 
    Posted by Georgious[/QUOTE]

    Yes, and it sucks that she's being rude.  Do you know the circumstances that have caused her friend to be staying there during the same weekend of the shower/party?  Frankly, I don't blame her for not wanting to leave her friend hanging.  It sucks if she's being rude, but I can see why she's given that as the option.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stranger-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a663f0b-b188-444a-9bb2-67a5e93c6014Post:4db2fec0-84bb-400d-8f92-d5c779ab79b7">Re: Stranger at the Bachelorette Party</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think that this is a major problem.  The stranger is a friend of hers and she asking for a favor.  That doesn't mean that you are required to invite her to the wedding or feel obligate to do so
    Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]



    I agree. I personally would let her bring her friend.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stranger-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a663f0b-b188-444a-9bb2-67a5e93c6014Post:a1c6b3cf-1bcd-429f-aa7b-c69611cbf68a">Re: Stranger at the Bachelorette Party</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Stranger at the Bachelorette Party : Yes, and it sucks that she's being rude.  Do you know the circumstances that have caused her friend to be staying there during the same weekend of the shower/party?  Frankly, I don't blame her for not wanting to leave her friend hanging.  It sucks if she's being rude, but I can see why she's given that as the option.
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    <div>The friend is just visiting from out of state. What it sounds like is the friend either booked the flight before asking or my friend forgot/didn't see it as an issue so told her to come before asking my MoH. I am getting everything second hand since I'm not supposed to know anything about either event haha.</div><div>
    </div><div>Thanks for the feedback ladies</div>
  • It sounds like you don't actually know that ANYONE is being rude--you're hearing this through a 3rd person (your MOH), who is irritated/upset/whatever that this bridesmaid wants her friend to join.  Your MOH is obviously biased because she's annoyed, and accusing your bridesmaid of being rude and uncooperative--see how this is going?  If your bridesmaid has a friend in from out of town, its perfectly NORMAL IMO that she would bring this friend along, rather than leaving her home alone while she goes out.  It's no big deal that someone else join-you probably won't even notice she's there...and if she's good enough friends with one of your nearest and dearest to be visiting from out of town, she's probably someone you would be friends with too.
  • One of my bridesmaids asked to bring her out of town friend to my bachelorette party, and I honestly wasn't offended/horrified/hurt in the slightest.  Any friend of my BM is probably a pretty cool girl, and if not, frankly I was supposed to be too sauced to really care.

    Honestly, I had sooooooooooooooo many other things to worry about that close to the wedding than to sweat meeting someone new who was probably a friend waiting to happen.
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  • I had a similar situation.  The friend is coming to my destination B-Party. 

    It's no big deal, it's a shower and a party!  At the end of the day: The more the merrier?  On the off chance she sucks, it is really one night and I am sure that there will be plenty of other people around for you to hang with if that's the case.

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  • I would just let her come to the bachelorette party, but the shower is a trickier subject. Everyone invited to the shower should be invited to the wedding, but this may just be a special circumstance...
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_stranger-at-the-bachelorette-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0a663f0b-b188-444a-9bb2-67a5e93c6014Post:58e5eb36-8f13-4edd-8721-9db644a730fc">Re: Stranger at the Bachelorette Party</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would just let her come to the bachelorette party, but the shower is a trickier subject. <strong>Everyone invited to the shower should be invited to the wedding</strong>, but this may just be a special circumstance...
    Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

    Everyone invited to the b-party is supposed to be invited to the wedding, too. However, in this case, there is NO obligation on OP's part to invite this girl to the wedding. And unless the BM and her friend are both crazy, they will not assume a wedding invitation for the houseguest.

    The only issue is that OP is feeling like she shouldn't have to accommodate this person, which is true. However, if you have a large BP and circle of friends and they're all coming to your b-party and shower, you probably won't even notice this extra person. Just be happy that so many people want to celebrate with you!

    If I were you, I'd tell both the BM who wants to bring the friend <em>and</em> the MOH that this friend is welcome at both events. Who knows, the guest may decide she feels uncomfortable and may hang back or find something else to do that day. But I think if this BM is a close friend of yours, it's nice to take the high road and respect that she doesn't want to exclude her guest. It was poor planning on her part, but you have the power to make this situation not a big deal, and I think you should do so.
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  • I had someone at my bach party who wasn't invited to the wedding. I had nothing to do with setting it up, it was a small intimate group of friends, but one of my friends has a different friend who was already planning on being at the bar my friends had decided on. It seemed pretty coldhearted to say "Sorry, but you have to completely ignore her or not participate with us!" to my friend. Given that it was the Wednesday before our Friday wedding, it was pretty clear this girl was not invited to the wedding nor would she be, but it was fun to have her there. In this instance, OP, I would allow the friend to bring this stranger. Since YOU are not inviting her or asking she be invited to these events, there is no obligation to invite her to the wedding.
  • I don't see it as a big deal at all.  I would never ask a friend to leave her houseguest at home.  You never know, you may end up having something in common with her friend and end up being besties in the future.  

    I would just accomodate your BM and don't give it another thought.
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