How to handle friend's PPD texts?

chattychiqa

I feel bad about how I handled it.

We've been friends for 20 years, and have also had minor disagreements over her etiquette (or lack thereof). I'm no Miss Manners but when she sent out evites for her 30th saying "gift cards accepted" and the field denoting who had declined "we suck"...

Okay so fast forward to her text last Saturday; she said she and her DH want to renew vows on their 10th anniversary and want to do it in the church. Then she asked if I would be a bridesmaid. I said yes .... Thinking w/my wedding just passed I needed to pay the smiling and nodding forward. Then I asked what date she was thinking... She said May 2015. Uh, okay.

Now she's going on and on via FB about flowers and texting me questions about flower opinions. I responded "I love you, and I'm happy to help, but honestly you have a LOT of time. I'm wedding'd out. Whatever you choose will be fine, because it's yours. If you need help, hit me up within 12 months of the date."

Truthfully she's always creating plans then bowing out over $$ issues, so I fully expected when I accepted that she would cancel sooner or later. I have a 2 part question: 1-Is what I said to her okay? and 2-Would it be unkosher of me to back out eventually if she does follow through?

LetsHikeToday

Why did you say yes if you are planning on backing out? 

chattychiqa

I said yes thinking I would wear a dress and show up. I also didn't expect to get a dozen texts in a 24 hour period for something that is 32 months away.

achiduck

As long as you were polite about it telling someone you're wedding-d out it fine. If she doesn't end up cancelling, it sounds like backing out might be a friendship ending move. If you're prepared to accept that then go right ahead. 

chattychiqa

If all she wants is for me to show up wearing a dress I'll follow through. I just have a suspicion she will want the whole shebang, and I can't plan or chip in for a shower out of state.

Meegles4

Why does she have BMs for a 10 year anni VR? I would have declined from the get go.

To answer your questions, I think what you said to her was fine. If you're going to back out, I'd probably do it now as opposed to waiting 3 years. Why bother perpetuating it if you're just going to back out anyway?

OliveOilsMom

I think what you said is fine.  You two have been friends for so long, you should be able to talk to each other like that. 

If you said to her, you know, VR don't usually have a wedding party, what would she say?  You have said you had minor disagreements before, how were they handled by her? 

I don't think you could back out though.  You accepted already and if you back out, your friend could see it as a friendship ending move.  Unless you cannot afford to participate.  I feel like money would be the only way to back out gracefully.

The website the CGMr always gives out, idotaketwo.com, don't they have a VR section?  Maybe if you send that link to her, she can read all about how to properly have a RV and will decide herself to not have a BP.

 

artbyallie

I agree that I would have declined in the first place, but I would certainly refuse to throw a shower or bachelorette. Because, you know, she's not a bachelorette nor a bride and has in fact been married nearly a decade.

Stick with "it's too soon to think about this," until she gives up on the plans or gets close enough to the date.

LetsHikeToday

Eh, I think it's weird to tell someone "If you want help, hit me up within 12 months of the date"

renegade gaucho

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-handle-friends-ppd-texts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0b078e99-162d-4cd6-9776-70854e976418Post:c2f11e58-58bf-4410-b622-04f6b9a50efd">Re: How to handle friend's PPD texts?</a>:
[QUOTE]If all she wants is for me to show up wearing a dress I'll follow through. I just have a suspicion she will want the whole shebang, and I can't plan or chip in for a shower out of state.
Posted by chattychiqa[/QUOTE]

She's been married for 10 years and she's expecting a shower for this event?  She sounds pretty ridiculous and I don't blame you for responding the way you did.  A vow renewal, especially after only 10 years, should be more lowkey than the wedding was.  Even if you did accept, it's completely unreasonable for her to expect you to dedicate your life to planning for the next 2.5 years. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

A shower? This is a 10th anniversary vow renewal. There's no shower involved.

Julie2013

" I have a 2 part question: 1-Is what I said to her okay? and 2-Would it be unkosher of me to back out eventually if she does follow through?"

1. If I had gotten a text like that from any of my friends I've known that long, I would not have been offended at all, especially if they'd just had a wedding and I had been bombarding them with questions.

2. I wouldn't want anybody in my vow renewal that wasn't comfortable being in it. I'd say find a graceful way to bow out.

Could it be she's only extremely excited at the moment and all the texts and FB posts will die down once the new wears off some? I just booked my venue today and my BFF and I have been burning up our cell phones with ideas. I do know this amount of excitement can't be sustained for the next 8+ months, though. If she is a good friend, I'd wait to see if she settles down before doing anything that might be friendship-ending.